Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 8
06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon
Introverts Night Out
Neil….Will Forte
Jean….Kristen Wiig
Meryl….Annette Bening
Waiter….Bill Hader
Neil: And here we are.
Jean: I have to say I’m really excited that the 3 ofus are going to enjoy our first after work snack tonight.
Meryl: Yes, I’m happy its working out. The Skiffcoupon from my secret Santa was really burning a hole in my pocket.
Jean: Oh, we wouldn’t want that. Those are one of your flattering slacks.
Meryl: Oh, Jean.
Neil: So, what do we do here? Can we just sit down atany given table? Is there a sign-up sheet? Sort of a seating grid?
Meryl: Well, that sign says “Please wait to be seated.”Mess it. If I’d known that I would’ve brought my folding stool.
Waiter: Excuse me. There is a table available right over there.
Neil: Wonderful. Great.
Meryl: Thank you.
Jean: Oh, excuse me.[to waiter.][Jean takes out Ziplocbag full of change, takes couple of quarters gives itto the waiter. He puts up with it.]Thank you.
Waiter: Thanks.
Neil: Jean, what a great idea to bring a bag filled with tipping change.
Jean: I have to admit my original intent was notgratuity related at all. I withdrew these quartersfrom the bank to purchase music songs on the jukebox machine.
Meryl: Oh, Jean I didn’t even think about thepossibility of a jukebox machine.
Jean: Meryl, its 2006!
Meryl: Then where in the name of Mary Todd Lincoln is it?
Neil: Excuse me, waiter. Where in the name of MaryTodd Lincoln is your jukebox machine?
Waiter: We don’t have a jukebox.
Meryl: No jukebox machine?
Jean: But I went to the bank!
Neil: I wanted to hear The Platters.
Waiter: Well, we have a DJ and he should be setting up pretty soon.
Neil: It’s not Wolfman Jack, is it?
Waiter: I don’t think so, no.
Neil: But he’ll have The Platters?
Waiter: He mostly plays dance music.
Neil: So, he does have The Platters.
Meryl: Is there gonna be dancing?
Jean: Oh, mess it. I should have worn my sneakers flats.
Meryl: I have to admit. I’m a little nervous. I’ve never danced in public before.
Neil: Same here, Meryl. I’ve been in a number ofaccidental dance situations. Stomping out fires,rhythmically jumping in pain after stepping on a mousetrap. But I’ve certainly never made a concerted effort to dance.
Jean: I did do a little salsa at my cousin’scommitment ceremony. I can’t say for sure as I wasunder the influence of a strong ring worm ointment.
Neil: Sounds like we’re all on the same boat. A boatwe could quite logically christen “The U.S.S Non dancer”.
Meryl: How can you 2 be so calm about this? I’mquacking in my proverbial boots.
Jean: Meryl, why don’t you take those jitters and turn them into a jitterbug?
Neil: Oh, what a fine, fine joke, Jean.[Kristen lookslike about to crack up, holds it]Too boot notproverbially its as relevant as all get out.
Meryl: Well, I’m gonna sit this one out.
Neil: Whaaat?!
Jean: Meryl, are sure?!
Meryl: I’m positive. Truth be told I have a problem with leg sweat.
Jean: I didn’t know you had leg sweat problems, Meryl.
Meryl: Unfortunately, yes. Its why I use a wheelchair at work.
Neil: Well, I think I’ll fore go the dancing as well.I had a double helping of oatmeal this morning butunfortunately forgot to add water. The introduction ofdancing could make for a fairly implosive situation.
Jean: Do you think they’ll allow pocket books on thedance floor? Probably not. Excuse me, where are your pocket book lockers?
Waiter: We don’t have lockers.
Meryl: No pocket book lockers? No jukebox machine? What the mess?
Jean: I said it before and I’ll say it again. That’s America, it’s a problem.
Meryl: One more question, do you have wheelchairs for dancers with leg sweat problems?
Waiter: No. Are you going to order anything?
Jean: Oh, you know I’ll have a warm mug of yellow eggnog.
Meryl: Oh, nog. Nog sounds good. Make that 2 nogs. Neil, nog?
Neil: Well, I was thinking about an ovaltine. Oh, mess it. Make it 3 egg nogs.
Waiter: Three eggnogs. Is that with or without alcohol?
Neil: Alcohol? I didn’t know there was an option.
Meryl: I don’t even know what it means.
[The trio talk over each other. Close-up on clock, time passes]Jean: So, how is this going to work?
Neil: We’ll start by gently rubbing each othersshoulders for exactly 5 minutes. I’ll unburden both ofyou of your blouses. From there we’ll all put onblindfolds and remove each others……[Close-up onclock, more time passes]….and then I’ll mess Merylwhile Jean watches and then Jean will mess Meryl whileI watch. Then Meryl and I will mess each other whileJean messes herself.[Kristen is about to crack up]Thenthe waiter will doggy mess Meryl as I reverse cowboy mess Jean.
Meryl: I have to say, I wasn’t sure about it at firstbut I’m really warming to the idea of getting butt messed.
Neil: Well, its too bad this country frowns upon it so.
Jean: Well, I said it before and I’ll say it again.That’s America, it’s a problem. [Kristen laughs finally] [Cheers and Applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
