Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 8
06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon
Introverts Night Out
Neil….Will Forte
Jean….Kristen Wiig
Meryl….Annette Bening
Waiter….Bill Hader
[Opens with a sports bar, everyone drinking, having agood time. In comes Neil with his conservative style,glasses, tie, vest, moustache, cow licked hair. Jeanwith an outdated hairdo, grandma’s clothes. And Meryl,she is cute but with a depressed look on her face. Sheis thin but from the waist down she is bigger andfatter than the rest of her body.]
Neil: And here we are.
Jean: I have to say I’m really excited that the 3 ofus are going to enjoy our first after work snack tonight.
Meryl: Yes, I’m happy its working out. The Skiffcoupon from my secret Santa was really burning a hole in my pocket.
Jean: Oh, we wouldn’t want that. Those are one of your flattering slacks.
Meryl: Oh, Jean.
Neil: So, what do we do here? Can we just sit down atany given table? Is there a sign-up sheet? Sort of a seating grid?
Meryl: Well, that sign says “Please wait to be seated.”Mess it. If I’d known that I would’ve brought my folding stool.
Waiter: Excuse me. There is a table available right over there.
Neil: Wonderful. Great.
Meryl: Thank you.
Jean: Oh, excuse me.[to waiter.][Jean takes out Ziplocbag full of change, takes couple of quarters gives itto the waiter. He puts up with it.]Thank you.
Waiter: Thanks.
Neil: Jean, what a great idea to bring a bag filled with tipping change.
Jean: I have to admit my original intent was notgratuity related at all. I withdrew these quartersfrom the bank to purchase music songs on the jukebox machine.
Meryl: Oh, Jean I didn’t even think about thepossibility of a jukebox machine.
Jean: Meryl, its 2006!
Meryl: Then where in the name of Mary Todd Lincoln is it?
Neil: Excuse me, waiter. Where in the name of MaryTodd Lincoln is your jukebox machine?
Waiter: We don’t have a jukebox.
Meryl: No jukebox machine?
Jean: But I went to the bank!
Neil: I wanted to hear The Platters.
Waiter: Well, we have a DJ and he should be setting up pretty soon.
Neil: It’s not Wolfman Jack, is it?
Waiter: I don’t think so, no.
Neil: But he’ll have The Platters?
Waiter: He mostly plays dance music.
Neil: So, he does have The Platters.
Meryl: Is there gonna be dancing?
Jean: Oh, mess it. I should have worn my sneakers flats.
Meryl: I have to admit. I’m a little nervous. I’ve never danced in public before.
Neil: Same here, Meryl. I’ve been in a number ofaccidental dance situations. Stomping out fires,rhythmically jumping in pain after stepping on a mousetrap. But I’ve certainly never made a concerted effort to dance.
Jean: I did do a little salsa at my cousin’scommitment ceremony. I can’t say for sure as I wasunder the influence of a strong ring worm ointment.
Neil: Sounds like we’re all on the same boat. A boatwe could quite logically christen “The U.S.S Non dancer”.
Meryl: How can you 2 be so calm about this? I’mquacking in my proverbial boots.
Jean: Meryl, why don’t you take those jitters and turn them into a jitterbug?
Neil: Oh, what a fine, fine joke, Jean.[Kristen lookslike about to crack up, holds it]Too boot notproverbially its as relevant as all get out.
Meryl: Well, I’m gonna sit this one out.
Neil: Whaaat?!
Jean: Meryl, are sure?!
Meryl: I’m positive. Truth be told I have a problem with leg sweat.
Jean: I didn’t know you had leg sweat problems, Meryl.
Meryl: Unfortunately, yes. Its why I use a wheelchair at work.
Neil: Well, I think I’ll fore go the dancing as well.I had a double helping of oatmeal this morning butunfortunately forgot to add water. The introduction ofdancing could make for a fairly implosive situation.
Jean: Do you think they’ll allow pocket books on thedance floor? Probably not. Excuse me, where are your pocket book lockers?
Waiter: We don’t have lockers.
Meryl: No pocket book lockers? No jukebox machine? What the mess?
Jean: I said it before and I’ll say it again. That’s America, it’s a problem.
Meryl: One more question, do you have wheelchairs for dancers with leg sweat problems?
Waiter: No. Are you going to order anything?
Jean: Oh, you know I’ll have a warm mug of yellow eggnog.
Meryl: Oh, nog. Nog sounds good. Make that 2 nogs. Neil, nog?
Neil: Well, I was thinking about an ovaltine. Oh, mess it. Make it 3 egg nogs.
Waiter: Three eggnogs. Is that with or without alcohol?
Neil: Alcohol? I didn’t know there was an option.
Meryl: I don’t even know what it means.
[The trio talk over each other. Close-up on clock, time passes]
Jean: So, how is this going to work?
Neil: We’ll start by gently rubbing each othersshoulders for exactly 5 minutes. I’ll unburden both ofyou of your blouses. From there we’ll all put onblindfolds and remove each others……[Close-up onclock, more time passes]….and then I’ll mess Merylwhile Jean watches and then Jean will mess Meryl whileI watch. Then Meryl and I will mess each other whileJean messes herself.[Kristen is about to crack up]Thenthe waiter will doggy mess Meryl as I reverse cowboy mess Jean.
Meryl: I have to say, I wasn’t sure about it at firstbut I’m really warming to the idea of getting butt messed.
Neil: Well, its too bad this country frowns upon it so.
Jean: Well, I said it before and I’ll say it again.That’s America, it’s a problem. [Kristen laughs finally]
[Cheers and Applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
