Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 8
Monster Under the Bed
The Monster…..Bill Hader
[ open on exterior, suburban home, night ]
[ dissolve to interior, Casey’s bedroom, as she breathes heavy with fear in the dark ]
Casey: Mom, Dad! Mom!
[ Mom and Dad enter the room, and turn on the lights ]
Mom: What is it, honey? What’s wrong?
Dad: Is everything okay?
Casey: I can’t sleep.
Dad: Well, why not?
Mom: Here – let’s get you tucked in, honey.
Casey: No, no! It’s just —
Mom: What is it? What?
Casey: [ at last ] There’s a monster underneath my bed.
[ Mom and Dad back up toward the door, suddenly paralyzed with great fear ]
Mom: What did she say? What did she just say –?
Dad: Wait! What did you just say?!
Casey: I said I think there’s a monster underneath my bed.
Dad: You THINK?! Or IS there?!
Mom: YES or NO?! This isn’t a game! [ grabs her hisband ] Oh, my God, Hank! What do we do?!
Dad: Everybody, get on the bed!! FEET OFF THE FLOOR!! NOW!!
[ Mom and Dad jump onto the bed with a single leap ]
Casey: AHH!! What?!
Dad: Casey, this is VERY important: How big is the monster?!
Casey: I don’t know, I-I didn’t actually see him —
Dad: Oh, my God – he’s invisible!
Mom: Or he’s a shape-shifter – he could be anything on this bed!
Dad: PILLOWS AND BLANKETS, OFF!! NOW!!
[ Mom and Dad fling all the pillows and blankets across the room with primal screams ]
Casey: Maybe – maybe – maybe we should just lseep in your bed tonight!
Mom: Oh, you don’t think the monster has already THOUGHT of that?! [ tries to calm herself down ] I’m sorry, baby. Why did you call us in here if you KNEW there was a monster?!
Dad: Everybody, stay calm! Okay, Casey – has the monster been here before? Does he know the layout of the house?
Casey: I don’t know, I —
Dad: We don’t have TIME for “I DON’T KNOW!!” OKAY?!!
Dad: There is a monster under your bed, and he’s going to EAT us, do you understand?! He is GOING to EAT US!!
Mom: CALL THE POLICE!! CALL THE POLICE!!
Dad: OHH!! I left my phone in the other room!! Casey, do you have the cell phnoe that Mmomy and Daddy gave you?
Casey: Yeah, it’s in my jacket — [ starts to crawl out of the bed ]
Mom: DON’T BE AN IDIOT, CASEY!!
Dad: STAY OFF THE FLOOR!! The mnoster’s visual accuity is based on MOTION!! If you step on that floor, you’re SIGNING OUR DEATH CERTIFICATES!!
Casey: You know, maybe it was just my imagination —
Mom: Why would you make that up? What kind of sick freak would make that up?!
Dad: We can’t AFFORD to be wrong on this, Casey!! Because if you’re wrong, we are DEAD! Your parents will be dead, nd you’ll live the rest of your life knowing that you KILLED them!
Casey: What if he’s a friendly monster?
Dad: [ chuckles heartily ] Oh, ho ho, yeah! What if he’s a friendly monster! Hey! Look at that shark! Maybe he’s a friendly shark! Oh, wait! He’s ripping my legs off! Thanks for the advice, Casey – Daddy’s got no legs!
Casey: Well, maybe it was just a nightmare. I ate a lot of chocolate before I went to sleep —
Dad: You what?!
Mom: You brought chocolate into the monster’s lair? YOU IDIOT!! [ grabs Casey’s throat and begins to strangle her ]
Dad: NO! Let her go! Let her go!
Casey: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
Dad: Yeah, I’d be sorry, too, if I had to sit on a bed and watch my parents get RAPED by a monster! Because it WILL happen!
Mom: [ weeping ] Don’t let us die like this, Hank! Don’t let us die!
Dad: Okay, there’s only one way out. [ pulls two pistols out of his robe, holds one up before Casey ] Do you know how to use this?
Dad: God, you are dead weight, WHY dod we even send you to school?!
[ Mom grabs one of the pistols from Dad ]
Dad: Honey, if we don’t make it out of here alive, I just want you to know that I love you.
Mom: I love you, too.
Dad: Casey? I’ve gotta say.. I’m a little disappointed in you. Okay? So.. on the count of three, we run, okay? And DO NOT test me on this, I will LEAVE YOU HERE in a HEARTBEAT!! Okay?! Are we clear?!
Casey: YES, Dad!
Dad: Okay! 1! 2! 3!
[ Mom runs screaming out of the room, as Dad backs up while pointing his pistol in all directions. Casey calmly walks out of the room. ]
[ a moment or two later, Christmas music begins to play, as a Monster emerges from the closet ]
The Monster: [ singing ]
“Have a holly, jolly Christmas!
It’s the best tiiiiime of the year!
I don’t know, if there’ll be snow
but have a cup of cheer!”
[ suddenly, gunshots ring out. Dad and his family stand in the doorway as he unloads his ammunition into the Monster’s back. The monster stands there paralyzed, as the music stops abruptly. ]
The Monster: Whyyyyy?? [ collapses against the ned and onto the floor ]
Mom: [ smiles ] Oh! So predictable, huh?
Dad: See, Casey? He fell RIGHT into our trap.
Casey: [ frightened ] Yeah.. I guess..
Mom: Well, honey. I think it’s past your bedtime!
Dad: Yeah, get to sleep. We’ll clean that monster up in the morning.
Mom: Good night.
Dad: Good night.
[ Mom and Dad exit the bedroom and turn off the lights, leaving Casey and the dead monster alone in the dark ]
[ fade ]