Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 8
06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon
An SNL Digital Short: Pep Talk
Manager…..Fred Armisen
Tia…..Amy Poehler
Brad…..Matthew Fox
Jordan…..Kenan Thompson
Pete…..Andy Samberg
Will…..Will Forte
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ dissolve to interior, fast food restaurant decorated for Christmas. The Manager exits his office to stand before a meeting with his four staff members. ]
Manager: Alright, guys. The holiday season is upon us, and, since we’re so close to the mall, it means we’re gonna get a lot more foot traffic. So, I kind of need you guys to work as a team.
Tia: [ bored, half-asleep ] Is this why you brought us in here at tne o’clock in the morning?
Manager: Tia, I really need your full attention here. This is really important. [ a beat ] I’m going to aks you guys to start working double shifts.
Brad: Drew? You couldn’t have just put that on the schedule?
Manager: Brad? Two seconds: I’m over there, I’m taking you down! Two seconds!
[ Brad just stares at the Manager without saying a word ]
Manager: Where was I? Uh – they’re gonna discontinue the Santa Fe Sandwich.. but we still have them, so, uh.. pretty much, on the register, just press, uh, medium fries twice, that should work.
Jordan: But.. what if somebody wants two medium fries?
Manager: Jordan! [ slaps his manual on the table ] I swear to God! Five seconds: I’m over this chair, I’m in your face, and I’m kicking you in the chest!
Jordan: But I just asked a question!
Manager: Jordan! It’s going to happen! Now, uh, let’s talk a little about the, uh, the drive-thru.
Pete: [ raises his hand ] That’s me.
Manager: Pete! One second: one punch, BACK of the head! ONE SECOND!!
Brad: Drew. No one’s arguing with you. We all like to work here. We just.. can’t function when you communicate with us like this.
Pete: Yeah.
Jordan: Right.
Tia: Yeah.
Manager: Okay. I see what you’re saying. ‘Cause I was thinking maybe a ltitle bit more like: BRAD! Seven seconds: I’m grabbing you by the collar, your face is in the deep fryer!
Brad: What?!
Manager: PETE! Two seconds: I pull out your eyes, and they’re going in the garbage!
Pete: Why?!
Manager: JORDAN! Twenty seconds: I’m over there, I’m gonna rip out oyur jaw!
Jordan: [ incredulous ] Twenty seconds?
Manager: TIA! Half-second: my ass is in your mouth!
Tia: What?
Manager: Twenty-nine-and-a-half seconds, and you’re ALL gone! This is BEYOND a threat!! It’s a PROMISE!!
Tia: Drew, what’s going on with you, man?
Manager: [ twists his arms over his head and grits his teeth with a whimper ] I don’t know! I have an anger problem, I don’t know how to control it – you guys are my only friends, I’m sorry!
Brad: Drew, it’s alright. We’re all here for you, buddy.
Manager: [ calms himself down ] Thanks.
Will: [ enters the restaurant ] Sorry I’m late, guys, what did I miss?
[ the Manager clenches his fist and shakes in great distress while growling, until his head finally explodes. The staff reacts with jerk reactions ]
[ reveal the headless body of the Manager. No, wait – it’s a dummy! The real Manager picks himself up from the floor. ]
Manager: Okay, guys. Enough fun and games. Let’s get back to work.
[ cut to “Lost”-style title card that read: “Happy Holidays” ]
[ fade ]
