Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 8
Good Morning I Hate This Town
Alan French…..Jason Sudeikis
Samantha Collingswood…..Annette Bening
Pam Dibble…..Amy Poehler
[ open on morning talk show montage ]
“Potholes and bad schools
High, private, real fools
You can feel it in the air
You’d rather be anywhere
Than stuck here in this no-good, dumbass town.”
Alan French: Welcome back to “Good morning I Hate This Town.” I’m Alan French.
Samantha Collingswood: And I’m Samantha Collingswood. How was your weekend, Alan?
Alan French: Oh, TERRIBLE! Just UTTERLY TERRIBLE! I wanted to take the wife somewhere nice for dinner —
Samantha Collingswood: In this dumbass town? [ they share the laugh ] Good luck!
Alan French: Oh, tell me about it! We ended up going to Dingo’s, that Outback Steakhouse rip-off.
Samantha Collingswood: You would think even a dumbass town like ours would have a REAL Outback, but NOPE!
Alan French: No. So I asked the waiter to bring the closest thing they had to the Bloomin’ Onion. Guess what he brings?
Samantha Collingswood: Oh, boy!
Alan French: A RAW ONION!! On a PLATE! [ laughs ]
Samantha Collingswood: Unbelievable!
Alan French: I mean, if I hadn’t spent my whole life in this dumbass town full of dumbasses, I would have spit out my drink! But, I just shook my head.
Samantha Collingswood: What else can you do?
Alan French: [ chuckles ] What else can you do! [ pats Samantha across the knee ] How have you been?
Samantha Collingswood: Well, I woke up this morning in a good mood —
Alan French: Oh? Why’s that?
Samantha Collingswood: Well, I had a dream that this dumbass town had been washed away in a flood!
Alan French: [ as he sips his coffee ] Mmm! Wouldn’t that be nice?
Samantha Collingswood: Whoa! Bingo! [ they chuckle together ] And I looked out the window, and I saw the stupid houses full of dumdums, and they were all still there and my heart sunk.
Alan French: [ chuckles ] Aw, that is rough!
Samantha Collingswood: Crushing. I HATE this dumbass town so much!
Alan French: Oh, boy. I know it. So, what do we have on the docket today?
Samantha Collingswood: Well, later we’re gonna be joined by Mayor Tom Riddlin.
Alan French: Oh! You mean, KING of the DUMBASSES!
Samantha Collingswood: The one and only! [ Alan cracks up ] Oh, he’s gonna try and use his tiny chicken brain to explain why our town is dead LAST in every conceivable statewide category except one: SUCKINESS!
Alan French: Alright! Well, let’s check in with the weather. Larry, anything our viewers should know?
Weatherman: Hey, DUMBASSES!! Don’t go outside without one of these! [ points to the umbrella graphic ] [ cut back to Alan and Samantha ]
Samantha Collingswood: [ faux smiling ] I don’t know he bothers!
Alan French: Ohhh, me neither! Me neither! Let’s walk over and meet cooking expert Pam Dibble, shall we?
Samantha Collingswood: Alright![ they walk over to the cooking set, where Pam Dibble waits ]
Samantha Collingswood: Good morning, Pam!
Pam Dibble: [ perky ] Hi, guys!
Alan French: Now, just to clarify — you’re not from this town, correct?
Pam Dibble: Uh — that’s right.
Samantha Collingswood: I guess that explains why you’re not a drooling idiot.[ Alan and Samantha laugh heartily; Pam joins in to be polite ]
Pam Dibble: Um — I guess!
Samantha Collingswood: Ahhhh!
Alan French: So, what do you have for us today?
Pam Dibble: Well, uh — uh — I’m gonna show you how to make gingerbread cookie ornaments that you can eat.
Samantha Collingswood: Now, just for the goons at home — they shouldn’t eat their other ornaments, right?
Pam Dibble: [ smiles, unsure of the connotation ] Uh — of course not.
Samantha Collingswood: Okay!
Alan French: Well, you can’t assume anything from THESE halfwits!
Pam Dibble: Okay. Uh — so the first thing we’re gonna do is, we’re gonna crack an egg in a bowl —
Alan French: Okay, let me see that thing. [ grabs the egg ] Here we go. [ holds the egg to the camera ] Hey, you GOT that, dumbasses?! That’s an EGG!
Samantha Collingswood: Okay. Now what?
Pam Dibble: [ retrieves the egg from Alan ] Okay. So we crack an egg in a bowl —
Samantha Collingswood: Oh. Oh. [ grabs the bowl, holds it up to the camera ] That’s this metal thing, you dumbasses!
Pam Dibble: [ whispers to Samantha ] Do they know not to put the shells in it?
Samantha Collingswood: I doubt it.
Alan French: No way. No way.
Samantha Collingswood: No.
Pam Dibble: Um — keep the shells out of the bowl —
Alan French: Alright, let’s stop there, Pam. That’s probably all these morons can handle in one day! Maybe we’ll pick it up again tomorrow!
Pam Dibble: Um — I’m sorry. Aren’t you worried that people might call in and complain?
Alan French: Oh, yeah! Yeah, we’re really worried about that! Yeah!
Samantha Collingswood: Right. Um —[ together, Alan and Samantha mime what a dumbass looks like trying to dial a telephone — holding the receiver to the top of their head, under their arm, up their own ass, etc. ]
Samantha Collingswood: Thanks, Pam!
Alan French: Aww, WORST town on Earth!
Samantha Collingswood: Aw, when we come back: a local moron shows us something worthless!
Alan French: I can’t wait!
Samantha Collingswood: Whoo![ title card reappears onscreen ] [ fade ]