Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 8
Good Morning I Hate This Town
Alan French…..Jason Sudeikis
Samantha Collingswood…..Annette Bening
Pam Dibble…..Amy Poehler
“Potholes and bad schools
High, private, real fools
You can feel it in the air
You’d rather be anywhere
Than stuck here in this no-good, dumbass town.”
Alan French: Welcome back to “Good morning I Hate This Town.” I’m Alan French.
Samantha Collingswood: And I’m Samantha Collingswood. How was your weekend, Alan?
Alan French: Oh, TERRIBLE! Just UTTERLY TERRIBLE! I wanted to take the wife somewhere nice for dinner —
Samantha Collingswood: In this dumbass town? [ they share the laugh ] Good luck!
Alan French: Oh, tell me about it! We ended up going to Dingo’s, that Outback Steakhouse rip-off.
Samantha Collingswood: You would think even a dumbass town like ours would have a REAL Outback, but NOPE!
Alan French: No. So I asked the waiter to bring the closest thing they had to the Bloomin’ Onion. Guess what he brings?
Samantha Collingswood: Oh, boy!
Alan French: A RAW ONION!! On a PLATE! [ laughs ]
Samantha Collingswood: Unbelievable!
Alan French: I mean, if I hadn’t spent my whole life in this dumbass town full of dumbasses, I would have spit out my drink! But, I just shook my head.
Samantha Collingswood: What else can you do?
Alan French: [ chuckles ] What else can you do! [ pats Samantha across the knee ] How have you been?
Samantha Collingswood: Well, I woke up this morning in a good mood —
Alan French: Oh? Why’s that?
Samantha Collingswood: Well, I had a dream that this dumbass town had been washed away in a flood!
Alan French: [ as he sips his coffee ] Mmm! Wouldn’t that be nice?
Samantha Collingswood: Whoa! Bingo! [ they chuckle together ] And I looked out the window, and I saw the stupid houses full of dumdums, and they were all still there and my heart sunk.
Alan French: [ chuckles ] Aw, that is rough!
Samantha Collingswood: Crushing. I HATE this dumbass town so much!
Alan French: Oh, boy. I know it. So, what do we have on the docket today?
Samantha Collingswood: Well, later we’re gonna be joined by Mayor Tom Riddlin.
Alan French: Oh! You mean, KING of the DUMBASSES!
Samantha Collingswood: The one and only! [ Alan cracks up ] Oh, he’s gonna try and use his tiny chicken brain to explain why our town is dead LAST in every conceivable statewide category except one: SUCKINESS!
Alan French: Alright! Well, let’s check in with the weather. Larry, anything our viewers should know?[ cut to Larry the weatherman, standing in front of an umbrella graphic ]
Weatherman: Hey, DUMBASSES!! Don’t go outside without one of these! [ points to the umbrella graphic ] [ cut back to Alan and Samantha ]
Samantha Collingswood: [ faux smiling ] I don’t know he bothers!
Alan French: Ohhh, me neither! Me neither! Let’s walk over and meet cooking expert Pam Dibble, shall we?
Samantha Collingswood: Alright![ they walk over to the cooking set, where Pam Dibble waits ]
Samantha Collingswood: Good morning, Pam!
Pam Dibble: [ perky ] Hi, guys!
Alan French: Now, just to clarify — you’re not from this town, correct?
Pam Dibble: Uh — that’s right.
Samantha Collingswood: I guess that explains why you’re not a drooling idiot.[ Alan and Samantha laugh heartily; Pam joins in to be polite ]
Pam Dibble: Um — I guess!
Samantha Collingswood: Ahhhh!
Alan French: So, what do you have for us today?
Pam Dibble: Well, uh — uh — I’m gonna show you how to make gingerbread cookie ornaments that you can eat.
Samantha Collingswood: Now, just for the goons at home — they shouldn’t eat their other ornaments, right?
Pam Dibble: [ smiles, unsure of the connotation ] Uh — of course not.
Samantha Collingswood: Okay!
Alan French: Well, you can’t assume anything from THESE halfwits!
Pam Dibble: Okay. Uh — so the first thing we’re gonna do is, we’re gonna crack an egg in a bowl —
Alan French: Okay, let me see that thing. [ grabs the egg ] Here we go. [ holds the egg to the camera ] Hey, you GOT that, dumbasses?! That’s an EGG!
Samantha Collingswood: Okay. Now what?
Pam Dibble: [ retrieves the egg from Alan ] Okay. So we crack an egg in a bowl —
Samantha Collingswood: Oh. Oh. [ grabs the bowl, holds it up to the camera ] That’s this metal thing, you dumbasses!
Pam Dibble: [ whispers to Samantha ] Do they know not to put the shells in it?
Samantha Collingswood: I doubt it.
Alan French: No way. No way.
Samantha Collingswood: No.
Pam Dibble: Um — keep the shells out of the bowl —
Alan French: Alright, let’s stop there, Pam. That’s probably all these morons can handle in one day! Maybe we’ll pick it up again tomorrow!
Pam Dibble: Um — I’m sorry. Aren’t you worried that people might call in and complain?
Alan French: Oh, yeah! Yeah, we’re really worried about that! Yeah!
Samantha Collingswood: Right. Um —[ together, Alan and Samantha mime what a dumbass looks like trying to dial a telephone — holding the receiver to the top of their head, under their arm, up their own ass, etc. ]
Samantha Collingswood: Thanks, Pam!
Alan French: Aww, WORST town on Earth!
Samantha Collingswood: Aw, when we come back: a local moron shows us something worthless!
Alan French: I can’t wait!
Samantha Collingswood: Whoo![ title card reappears onscreen ] [ fade ]