SNL Transcripts: Annette Bening: 12/09/06: Good Morning I Hate This Town



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 8







06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Good Morning I Hate This Town

Alan French…..Jason Sudeikis
Samantha Collingswood…..Annette Bening
Weatherman…..Kenan Thompson
Pam Dibble…..Amy Poehler

[ open on morning talk show montage ]

Jingle
“Potholes and bad schools
High, private, real fools
You can feel it in the air
You’d rather be anywhere
Than stuck here in this no-good, dumbass town.”

[ title card zooms in ] [ dissolve to morning talk show set, whose two hosts beam brightly behind faux smiles ]

Alan French: Welcome back to “Good morning I Hate This Town.” I’m Alan French.

Samantha Collingswood: And I’m Samantha Collingswood. How was your weekend, Alan?

Alan French: Oh, TERRIBLE! Just UTTERLY TERRIBLE! I wanted to take the wife somewhere nice for dinner —

Samantha Collingswood: In this dumbass town? [ they share the laugh ] Good luck!

Alan French: Oh, tell me about it! We ended up going to Dingo’s, that Outback Steakhouse rip-off.

Samantha Collingswood: You would think even a dumbass town like ours would have a REAL Outback, but NOPE!

Alan French: No. So I asked the waiter to bring the closest thing they had to the Bloomin’ Onion. Guess what he brings?

Samantha Collingswood: Oh, boy!

Alan French: A RAW ONION!! On a PLATE! [ laughs ]

Samantha Collingswood: Unbelievable!

Alan French: I mean, if I hadn’t spent my whole life in this dumbass town full of dumbasses, I would have spit out my drink! But, I just shook my head.

Samantha Collingswood: What else can you do?

Alan French: [ chuckles ] What else can you do! [ pats Samantha across the knee ] How have you been?

Samantha Collingswood: Well, I woke up this morning in a good mood —

Alan French: Oh? Why’s that?

Samantha Collingswood: Well, I had a dream that this dumbass town had been washed away in a flood!

Alan French: [ as he sips his coffee ] Mmm! Wouldn’t that be nice?

Samantha Collingswood: Whoa! Bingo! [ they chuckle together ] And I looked out the window, and I saw the stupid houses full of dumdums, and they were all still there and my heart sunk.

Alan French: [ chuckles ] Aw, that is rough!

Samantha Collingswood: Crushing. I HATE this dumbass town so much!

Alan French: Oh, boy. I know it. So, what do we have on the docket today?

Samantha Collingswood: Well, later we’re gonna be joined by Mayor Tom Riddlin.

Alan French: Oh! You mean, KING of the DUMBASSES!

Samantha Collingswood: The one and only! [ Alan cracks up ] Oh, he’s gonna try and use his tiny chicken brain to explain why our town is dead LAST in every conceivable statewide category except one: SUCKINESS!

Alan French: Alright! Well, let’s check in with the weather. Larry, anything our viewers should know?

[ cut to Larry the weatherman, standing in front of an umbrella graphic ]

Weatherman: Hey, DUMBASSES!! Don’t go outside without one of these! [ points to the umbrella graphic ] [ cut back to Alan and Samantha ]

Samantha Collingswood: [ faux smiling ] I don’t know he bothers!

Alan French: Ohhh, me neither! Me neither! Let’s walk over and meet cooking expert Pam Dibble, shall we?

Samantha Collingswood: Alright!

[ they walk over to the cooking set, where Pam Dibble waits ]

Samantha Collingswood: Good morning, Pam!

Pam Dibble: [ perky ] Hi, guys!

Alan French: Now, just to clarify — you’re not from this town, correct?

Pam Dibble: Uh — that’s right.

Samantha Collingswood: I guess that explains why you’re not a drooling idiot.

[ Alan and Samantha laugh heartily; Pam joins in to be polite ]

Pam Dibble: Um — I guess!

Samantha Collingswood: Ahhhh!

Alan French: So, what do you have for us today?

Pam Dibble: Well, uh — uh — I’m gonna show you how to make gingerbread cookie ornaments that you can eat.

Samantha Collingswood: Now, just for the goons at home — they shouldn’t eat their other ornaments, right?

Pam Dibble: [ smiles, unsure of the connotation ] Uh — of course not.

Samantha Collingswood: Okay!

Alan French: Well, you can’t assume anything from THESE halfwits!

Pam Dibble: Okay. Uh — so the first thing we’re gonna do is, we’re gonna crack an egg in a bowl —

Alan French: Okay, let me see that thing. [ grabs the egg ] Here we go. [ holds the egg to the camera ] Hey, you GOT that, dumbasses?! That’s an EGG!

Samantha Collingswood: Okay. Now what?

Pam Dibble: [ retrieves the egg from Alan ] Okay. So we crack an egg in a bowl —

Samantha Collingswood: Oh. Oh. [ grabs the bowl, holds it up to the camera ] That’s this metal thing, you dumbasses!

Pam Dibble: [ whispers to Samantha ] Do they know not to put the shells in it?

Samantha Collingswood: I doubt it.

Alan French: No way. No way.

Samantha Collingswood: No.

Pam Dibble: Um — keep the shells out of the bowl —

Alan French: Alright, let’s stop there, Pam. That’s probably all these morons can handle in one day! Maybe we’ll pick it up again tomorrow!

Pam Dibble: Um — I’m sorry. Aren’t you worried that people might call in and complain?

Alan French: Oh, yeah! Yeah, we’re really worried about that! Yeah!

Samantha Collingswood: Right. Um —

[ together, Alan and Samantha mime what a dumbass looks like trying to dial a telephone — holding the receiver to the top of their head, under their arm, up their own ass, etc. ]

Samantha Collingswood: Thanks, Pam!

Alan French: Aww, WORST town on Earth!

Samantha Collingswood: Aw, when we come back: a local moron shows us something worthless!

Alan French: I can’t wait!

Samantha Collingswood: Whoo!

[ title card reappears onscreen ] [ fade ]

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