SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 12/16/06: Dry Eyes

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

Dry Eyes

Gary Pierce…..Bill Hader
Jerry Bertrand…..Fred Armisen
Brett O’Connor…..Justin Timberlake
Model…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on title card superimposed over game show set ]

Announcer: Welcome to “Dry Eyes”! The game show that challenges you to keep from crying. Now, here’s your host — Gary Pierce!

[ Gary Pierce enters the set ]

Gary Pierce: Hey-ohhhhhhhhh!!! [ laughs heartily ] Hi there. Welcome back to “Dry Eyes.” The game is simple: cry — you lose! Keep it dry, and you walk away with cash and prizes. Let’s meet our contestants. First up — he’s a high school Math teacher who’s a whiz in the kitchen. Say hello to Jerry Bertrand!

[ the game show audience cheers ]

Jerry Bertrand: It’s great to be here, Gary!

Gary Pierce: Are we gonna see any tears from you today, Jerry?

Jerry Bertrand: No way! I am a ROCK!

Gary Pierce: Alright. You’re gonna need that confidence, because you’re facing our 22-TIME returning champ! He’s a firefighter. Please welcome back — Brett O’Connor!

[ the game show audience cheers ]

Brett O’Connor: It’s good to be back, Gary!

Gary Pierce: Now, as always, we here at “Dry Eyes” have researched your personal lives to make it as DIFFICULT on you as possible to keep those eyes dry! The categories are: [ show game board ] “Break-Ups”, “What They Called Me In High School”, “Surprise Surprise”, “Give It To Me Straight, Doc”, and “Things My Dad Never Said.” What’s it gonna be, Brett?

Brett O’Connor: Uhh — I’ll take “Break-Ups.”

Gary Pierce: Ten points for every second you don’t cry, up to 100 points. Are you ready?

Brett O’Connor: I’m ready.

Gary Pierce: This is something said to you by your ex-girlfriend, Sarah. [ Brett blinks twice ] “I’m leaving you — not because I don’t love you, but because you never let me in.” [?] GO!!

[ the clock starts ticking ]

Brett O’Connor: Oh, God.. Sarah.. [ exhales ] I still miss her. That’s.. for sure. So much. It — it was my fault —

[ the bell dings ]

Gary Pierce: Time!

Brett O’Connor: Whoo!! YES!!

Gary Pierce: Very, very well done! Thought you might break there, in the end.

Brett O’Connor: Me, too! That was close! Today would have been our fifth-year anniversary. [ chuckles ]

Gary Pierce: There you go! Jerry, think you can take him?

Jerry Bertrand: Uh — yeah, definitely. I’m gonna take, um — “Surprise Surprise.”

Gary Pierce: Okay. For this category, I’m gonna tell you something surprising.

Jerry Bertrand: Give me your worst, Gary.

Gary Pierce: The students in your class are real trouble makers.

Jerry Bertrand: [ laughs, smiles ] Yeah, they certainly are!

Gary Pierce: Well, today they’ve outdone themselves.

Jerry Bertrand: [ stone-faced, confident ] What did they do now?

Gary Pierce: They have nominated you for Teacher of the Year. GO!!

[ the clock starts ticking ]

[ genuinely surprised, Jerry immediately begins weeping hard ]

[ the buzzer sounds ]

Gary Pierce: [ surprised as well ] Wow! That, uh — that got you right away.

Jerry Bertrand: [ wiping his tears away ] I just — I’m just so hard on those kids, and I never knew they cared about me —

Gary Pierce: Well, that’s NO points, and back to you, Brett.

Brett O’Connor: [ glances incredulously at Jerry ] I’ll take “Things My Dad Never Said.”

Gary Pierce: Alright, now, just for our audiences — your dad left your family when you were only thirteen. Is that right?

Brett O’Connor: [ laughs, waves the fact off ] Ha! Yeah, that’s right!

Gary Pierce: Alright. I’ll be reading this one as your father.

Brett O’Connor: Go for it.

Gary Pierce: “Son: I know we never see eye to eye, and this might not mean much to you.. but I wanted to say, ‘I’m proud of you.'” GO!!

[ the clock starts ticking ]

Brett O’Connor: [ looks as though he’s genuinely touched, but then quickly crinkles his nose ] Like you would ever SAY that! [ starts to frown, then catches himself and puts on his poker-face, which starts to slip just as quickly ] Maybe if he was.. drunk. [ starts to slip into a frown again, but desperately fights the pending tears ] Although.. it would be nice to hear —

[ the bell dings ]

Gary Pierce: Time!!

Brett O’Connor: [ excited ] YEAH!!! WHOO!! IN YOUR FACE!! GOOD TRY, DAD!!

Gary Pierce: [ chuckles ] You barely made it through that one, buddy! [ a beat ] Jerry?

[ Jerry is already reduced to tears from Brett’s question ]

Jerry Bertrand: Oh, God! That was so hard to WATCH!

Gary Pierce: Well, uh — pull yourself together, because it’s your turn.

Jerry Bertrand: [ sniffling, as he wipes away his flow of tears ] Can I have another second, please?

Gary Pierce: [ rolls his eyes ] Are you ready?

Jerry Bertrand: [ still sniffling ] Just another second, please? [ sniffles some more ] Okay.. I’m gonna take.. “Give It to Me Straight, Doc.”

Gary Pierce: Okay, Jerry. I’m a doctor: “Mr. Betrand, your wife had a very difficult time. I don’t know how to tell you this.. but you are the father of a healthy baby boy.”

[ before Gary can say “GO!”, Jerry breaks down into a bundle of tears ]

[ the bell dings ]

[ the buzzer sounds ]

Gary Pierce: Not good, Jerry!

Jerry Bertrand: [ still crying ] I’m a dad!

Gary Pierce: No! No, you’re not! But you will be going home with our Clinique gift bag for losers! And, Brett — you’re back in the Speed Round!

Brett O’Connor: Yeah!! WHOO!!

[ Jerry exits the stage, collecting his consolation prize from a smiling model ]

[ Brett joins Gary Pierce at the center of the game show set, as the studio audience cheers him on ]

Gary Pierce: I don’t have to tell you how it works — four challenges, $100 each. Cry liquid tears, and you’re OUT! Are you ready to see the next category?

Brett O’Connor: Sure.

Gary Pierce: The category is.. “Sad Songs.”

Brett O’Connor: [ intrigued ] Oo-ooh.

Gary Pierce: [ rushes offscreen ] GO!!

[ the Aerosmith song “Cryin'” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: [ almost starts to weep, his memories tracing back ] Sarah! [ catches himself, puts on his poker-face ] I miss you. [ exhales ]

[ the bell dings ]

[ the Lionel Ritchie song “Hello” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: [ grits his teeth ] That blind girl from the — [ reverts to his poker-face ] video!

[ the bell dings ]

[ the Celine Dion song “My Heart Will Go On” from “Titanic” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: Awww!! Not “Titanic”!! [ throws his hands over his head ] God! Jack and Rose! [ composes himself, slows his breath ]

[ the bell dings ]

[ the Harry Chapin song “Cat’s in the Cradle” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: [ starts to lose it, but struggles to regain his composure ] No, Dad.. not now.. [ holds his breath, shakes his head ] Not e-e-ev-er!! I will NOT cry for you!

[ the bell dings repeatedly ]

Gary Pierce: You’ve done it!!

Brett O’Connor: YEAH!! [ still addressing his dad ] SUCK IT, Dad!! Suck it for ETERNITY!!

Gary Pierce: We’ll see you next week on “Dry Eyes”!

Brett O’Connor: SUCK IT, DAD!!

[ title card appears ]

Brett O’Connor: YEAH!! [ locks Gary Pierce in a bear hug ]

Gary Pierce: Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa — !

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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