Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 9
Dry Eyes
Gary Pierce…..Bill Hader
Jerry Bertrand…..Fred Armisen
Brett O’Connor…..Justin Timberlake
Model…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on title card superimposed over game show set ]
Announcer: Welcome to “Dry Eyes”! The game show that challenges you to keep from crying. Now, here’s your host — Gary Pierce!
[ Gary Pierce enters the set ]
Gary Pierce: Hey-ohhhhhhhhh!!! [ laughs heartily ] Hi there. Welcome back to “Dry Eyes.” The game is simple: cry — you lose! Keep it dry, and you walk away with cash and prizes. Let’s meet our contestants. First up — he’s a high school Math teacher who’s a whiz in the kitchen. Say hello to Jerry Bertrand!
[ the game show audience cheers ]
Jerry Bertrand: It’s great to be here, Gary!
Gary Pierce: Are we gonna see any tears from you today, Jerry?
Jerry Bertrand: No way! I am a ROCK!
Gary Pierce: Alright. You’re gonna need that confidence, because you’re facing our 22-TIME returning champ! He’s a firefighter. Please welcome back — Brett O’Connor!
[ the game show audience cheers ]
Brett O’Connor: It’s good to be back, Gary!
Gary Pierce: Now, as always, we here at “Dry Eyes” have researched your personal lives to make it as DIFFICULT on you as possible to keep those eyes dry! The categories are: [ show game board ] “Break-Ups”, “What They Called Me In High School”, “Surprise Surprise”, “Give It To Me Straight, Doc”, and “Things My Dad Never Said.” What’s it gonna be, Brett?
Brett O’Connor: Uhh — I’ll take “Break-Ups.”
Gary Pierce: Ten points for every second you don’t cry, up to 100 points. Are you ready?
Brett O’Connor: I’m ready.
Gary Pierce: This is something said to you by your ex-girlfriend, Sarah. [ Brett blinks twice ] “I’m leaving you — not because I don’t love you, but because you never let me in.” [?] GO!!
[ the clock starts ticking ]
Brett O’Connor: Oh, God.. Sarah.. [ exhales ] I still miss her. That’s.. for sure. So much. It — it was my fault —
[ the bell dings ]
Gary Pierce: Time!
Brett O’Connor: Whoo!! YES!!
Gary Pierce: Very, very well done! Thought you might break there, in the end.
Brett O’Connor: Me, too! That was close! Today would have been our fifth-year anniversary. [ chuckles ]
Gary Pierce: There you go! Jerry, think you can take him?
Jerry Bertrand: Uh — yeah, definitely. I’m gonna take, um — “Surprise Surprise.”
Gary Pierce: Okay. For this category, I’m gonna tell you something surprising.
Jerry Bertrand: Give me your worst, Gary.
Gary Pierce: The students in your class are real trouble makers.
Jerry Bertrand: [ laughs, smiles ] Yeah, they certainly are!
Gary Pierce: Well, today they’ve outdone themselves.
Jerry Bertrand: [ stone-faced, confident ] What did they do now?
Gary Pierce: They have nominated you for Teacher of the Year. GO!!
[ the clock starts ticking ]
[ genuinely surprised, Jerry immediately begins weeping hard ]
[ the buzzer sounds ]
Gary Pierce: [ surprised as well ] Wow! That, uh — that got you right away.
Jerry Bertrand: [ wiping his tears away ] I just — I’m just so hard on those kids, and I never knew they cared about me —
Gary Pierce: Well, that’s NO points, and back to you, Brett.
Brett O’Connor: [ glances incredulously at Jerry ] I’ll take “Things My Dad Never Said.”
Gary Pierce: Alright, now, just for our audiences — your dad left your family when you were only thirteen. Is that right?
Brett O’Connor: [ laughs, waves the fact off ] Ha! Yeah, that’s right!
Gary Pierce: Alright. I’ll be reading this one as your father.
Brett O’Connor: Go for it.
Gary Pierce: “Son: I know we never see eye to eye, and this might not mean much to you.. but I wanted to say, ‘I’m proud of you.'” GO!!
[ the clock starts ticking ]
Brett O’Connor: [ looks as though he’s genuinely touched, but then quickly crinkles his nose ] Like you would ever SAY that! [ starts to frown, then catches himself and puts on his poker-face, which starts to slip just as quickly ] Maybe if he was.. drunk. [ starts to slip into a frown again, but desperately fights the pending tears ] Although.. it would be nice to hear —
[ the bell dings ]
Gary Pierce: Time!!
Brett O’Connor: [ excited ] YEAH!!! WHOO!! IN YOUR FACE!! GOOD TRY, DAD!!
Gary Pierce: [ chuckles ] You barely made it through that one, buddy! [ a beat ] Jerry?
[ Jerry is already reduced to tears from Brett’s question ]
Jerry Bertrand: Oh, God! That was so hard to WATCH!
Gary Pierce: Well, uh — pull yourself together, because it’s your turn.
Jerry Bertrand: [ sniffling, as he wipes away his flow of tears ] Can I have another second, please?
Gary Pierce: [ rolls his eyes ] Are you ready?
Jerry Bertrand: [ still sniffling ] Just another second, please? [ sniffles some more ] Okay.. I’m gonna take.. “Give It to Me Straight, Doc.”
Gary Pierce: Okay, Jerry. I’m a doctor: “Mr. Betrand, your wife had a very difficult time. I don’t know how to tell you this.. but you are the father of a healthy baby boy.”
[ before Gary can say “GO!”, Jerry breaks down into a bundle of tears ]
[ the bell dings ]
[ the buzzer sounds ]
Gary Pierce: Not good, Jerry!
Jerry Bertrand: [ still crying ] I’m a dad!
Gary Pierce: No! No, you’re not! But you will be going home with our Clinique gift bag for losers! And, Brett — you’re back in the Speed Round!
Brett O’Connor: Yeah!! WHOO!!
[ Jerry exits the stage, collecting his consolation prize from a smiling model ]
[ Brett joins Gary Pierce at the center of the game show set, as the studio audience cheers him on ]
Gary Pierce: I don’t have to tell you how it works — four challenges, $100 each. Cry liquid tears, and you’re OUT! Are you ready to see the next category?
Brett O’Connor: Sure.
Gary Pierce: The category is.. “Sad Songs.”
Brett O’Connor: [ intrigued ] Oo-ooh.
Gary Pierce: [ rushes offscreen ] GO!!
[ the Aerosmith song “Cryin'” begins to blare through the studio ]
Brett O’Connor: [ almost starts to weep, his memories tracing back ] Sarah! [ catches himself, puts on his poker-face ] I miss you. [ exhales ]
[ the bell dings ]
[ the Lionel Ritchie song “Hello” begins to blare through the studio ]
Brett O’Connor: [ grits his teeth ] That blind girl from the — [ reverts to his poker-face ] video!
[ the bell dings ]
[ the Celine Dion song “My Heart Will Go On” from “Titanic” begins to blare through the studio ]
Brett O’Connor: Awww!! Not “Titanic”!! [ throws his hands over his head ] God! Jack and Rose! [ composes himself, slows his breath ]
[ the bell dings ]
[ the Harry Chapin song “Cat’s in the Cradle” begins to blare through the studio ]
Brett O’Connor: [ starts to lose it, but struggles to regain his composure ] No, Dad.. not now.. [ holds his breath, shakes his head ] Not e-e-ev-er!! I will NOT cry for you!
[ the bell dings repeatedly ]
Gary Pierce: You’ve done it!!
Brett O’Connor: YEAH!! [ still addressing his dad ] SUCK IT, Dad!! Suck it for ETERNITY!!
Gary Pierce: We’ll see you next week on “Dry Eyes”!
Brett O’Connor: SUCK IT, DAD!!
[ title card appears ]
Brett O’Connor: YEAH!! [ locks Gary Pierce in a bear hug ]
Gary Pierce: Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa — !
[ fade ]
