Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 9
The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Sandra Day O’Connor…..Kristen Wiig
Thomas Freedman…..Fred Armisen
President Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond
[FADE IN on Barry and Robin standing in white leisure suits with their backs to the camera in the foreground of a talk show set. Blue lights flicker while a disco ball twinkles in the background. The Bee Gees’ 1975 hit “Nights on Broadway” starts up as the audience squeals in approval.]
Announcer: [in a husky growl] It’s The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
[SUPERIMPOSE logo briefly, and then the brothers turn around and sing, with Barry on guitar.]
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Heeeeeere we are!”
Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are:
Barry and Robin Gibb: “In a room full of straaaaaaangers…”
Announcer: From the New York Times, columnist Thomas Freedman!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Discussin’ politics…”
Announcer: Former Supreme Court Justice:
Barry and Robin Gibb: “And the issues of the daaaaaaaa-ayyyyy…”
Announcer: Sandra Day O’Connor!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “And I want to taaaaaaaalk to you…”
Announcer: Former President Jimmy Carter!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Though you may not waaaaaaant me to!”
Announcer: And as always:
Barry and Robin Gibb: “I’m still gonna taaaaaaaalk to you…”
Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin!
Barry and Robin Gibb: “I don’t care what you saaaaaaaaaaaaay!”
[Barry slips off his guitar, and the brothers start disco dancing.]
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout issues,
Talkin’ ’bout very important issues.
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-ow-own!
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah…”
[SUPERIMPOSE logo again as the brothers dance to their seats. The lights come up, and the disco ball retracts into the ceiling.]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host: Barry Gibb!
[“Nights on Broadway” fades out as the Gibbs settle into their chairs.]
Barry Gibb: [in a high, broken voice] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. [laughter and cheers] We got a great show for you t’night. Let’s get right to it. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I’m not gonna take any crap from nobody.
[He glances over to Robin, who stares impassively forward.]
Barry Gibb: Issue number one: Will President Bush listen to the Iraq Study Group’s recommendations? Do you have any thoughts on this, Robin?
[Robin stares blankly away for a long moment.]
Robin Gibb: [softly] No. No, I don’t.
Barry Gibb: Why, why not?
Robin Gibb: I dunno. I ju–I just don’t.
[laughter]
Barry Gibb: [turns to left] Sandra Day O’Connor. As a member of the [breaks into falsetto] Iraqi Study Group: Do you think the President will act on your [in falsetto] recommendations? Haaah!
Sandra Day O’Connor: First of all, Barry, I just want to say that it’s great to see you getting into politics. One could say your career is really, um… stayin’ alive.
[Audience chortles as Robin covers his eyes and Barry glances around in disbelief.]
Barry Gibb: What did you just say t’ me?! Haah-ahh! You do NOT try to joke me down on my own show!! [stands up and kicks the air] I’m BARRY ef-in’ GIBB!!!
[riotous cheers]
Barry Gibb: You think I’m here to pull my [in falsetto] Australian politics? I’m gonna show up and murder you on national television!! [in falsetto] Ha-aa! Ha-aa! Yaaah!
Sandra Day O’Connor: I’m sorry.
Barry Gibb: You are sorry: a sorry excuse for a human being. You’re a piece of human garbage.
Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] “Huu-u-u-man! Gaaa-a-ar-bage!”
Barry Gibb: Yeah!
Robin Gibb: Yeah!
[Barry glances irritably at Robin.]
Barry Gibb: [turns to right] Thomas Freedman: you spent over a decade in the Middle East. And I just wanted to say that I’m a great fan of your work.
Thomas Freedman: Well, thank you very much–
Barry Gibb: Don’t interrupt me, please, thank you. What did I JUST SAY, do you know who I AM? [stands up and kicks the air] I’m BARRY… GIBB!!! I will rip off your hands and wear them like boxing gloves and beat you to death! And then when I’m done, I will [in falsetto] humiliate your coooorpse! Robin, do you have anything to add?
[Robin stares blankly into space for several seconds.]
Robin Gibb: No. No, I don’t.
Barry Gibb: Robin? Look at me. Look at me. I’m your brother, Robin, look at me-e-e-e! [sings] “Robin, look at your brother, please!”
Robin Gibb: No, I don’t wanna.
Barry Gibb: [in the first note of “Nights on Broadway”] “He-e-e-e-e-e-y-y-y-y…”
[laughter]
Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] He-e-e-e-e-e-y-y-y-y…
President Carter!
James Earl Carter!
A p-p-p-p-peanut farmer!
President Ca-a-a-ar-ter!
Uh-huh!”
Barry Gibb: Huh!
Robin Gibb: Hah!
[Barry glances irritably at Robin again.]
Barry Gibb: Yeah!
Robin Gibb: Yah!
Barry Gibb: President Carter: if you could give President [in falsetto] Bush one piece of adviiiice… on how to deal with the situation in Iraq, what would it be?
President Jimmy Carter: [lifts eyebrows and bulges eyes] Well, Barry, Robin… What President Bush needs to understand is that one nation cannot impose democracy onto another. Especially when that nation is as divided as Iraq is.
Barry Gibb: [attentive] Okay.
President Jimmy Carter: He needs to get the Sunnis, the Shi’ites, and the Kurds together–
Barry Gibb: Right.
President Jimmy Carter: –and have honest dialogue about how to move forward.
Barry Gibb: That’s good.
President Jimmy Carter: Uh, when I was President, I brought Anwar Sadat and Menachem Begin together in the Camp David accord.
Barry Gibb: Good Lord! Every time I turn on TV, you’re goin’ on about Camp David accord!! It’s been thirty years! [in falsetto] Give it a reeeeest! You don’t see me talkin’ about “Saturday Night Fever” all the time–I moved ON!!
[Barry jumps up and starts kicking the air repeatedly. Carter cringes and leans against Sandra Day O’Connor.]
Barry Gibb: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOVE A BOTTLE INSIDE YOU AND KICK IT TILL IT BREAKS!!! YOU GET ME TIRED!!! I AM BARRY… GIBB!!!
[Barry plops back down in his chair but instantly leaps back up.]
Barry Gibb: [kicking the air] I will ruin you! I will ruin you! [starts singing] “I will ruu-uu-u-in you!”
Barry and Robin Gibb: [in harmony] “I will ruu-uu-u-in you! I will ruu-uu-u-in yoooooooooooou!”
[The audience screams in approval as Barry tumbles back into his chair. He wearily reaches for the flower basket on the center table, plucks a flower, and sniffs it.]
Barry Gibb: That’s all the time we have. [sings] “Well… I’m… Barr–”
[He is cut off by the “Nights on Broadway” track. As the lights dim and the disco ball reappears, the brothers jump up and start disco dancing.]
Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout chest hair!
Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions!
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-own!
Oh, yeah…”
[Laughing, the brothers embrace briefly and dash offstage while the audience cheers tumultuously. SUPERIMPOSE The Barry Gibb Talk Show logo and fade to black while “Nights on Broadway” keeps playing.]
Submitted by: Sean
