SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 12/16/06: The Barry Gibb Talk Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9





06i: Justin Timberlake

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Sandra Day O’Connor…..Kristen Wiig
Thomas Freedman…..Fred Armisen
President Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond

[FADE IN on Barry and Robin standing in white leisure suits with their backs to the camera in the foreground of a talk show set. Blue lights flicker while a disco ball twinkles in the background. The Bee Gees’ 1975 hit “Nights on Broadway” starts up as the audience squeals in approval.]

Announcer: [in a husky growl] It’s The Barry Gibb Talk Show!

[SUPERIMPOSE logo briefly, and then the brothers turn around and sing, with Barry on guitar.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Heeeeeere we are!”

Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “In a room full of straaaaaaangers…”

Announcer: From the New York Times, columnist Thomas Freedman!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Discussin’ politics…”

Announcer: Former Supreme Court Justice:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And the issues of the daaaaaaaa-ayyyyy…”

Announcer: Sandra Day O’Connor!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And I want to taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Former President Jimmy Carter!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Though you may not waaaaaaant me to!”

Announcer: And as always:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I’m still gonna taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I don’t care what you saaaaaaaaaaaaay!”

[Barry slips off his guitar, and the brothers start disco dancing.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout issues,
Talkin’ ’bout very important issues.
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-ow-own!
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah…”

[SUPERIMPOSE logo again as the brothers dance to their seats. The lights come up, and the disco ball retracts into the ceiling.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host: Barry Gibb!

[“Nights on Broadway” fades out as the Gibbs settle into their chairs.]

Barry Gibb: [in a high, broken voice] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. [laughter and cheers] We got a great show for you t’night. Let’s get right to it. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I’m not gonna take any crap from nobody.

[He glances over to Robin, who stares impassively forward.]

Barry Gibb: Issue number one: Will President Bush listen to the Iraq Study Group’s recommendations? Do you have any thoughts on this, Robin?

[Robin stares blankly away for a long moment.]

Robin Gibb: [softly] No. No, I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Why, why not?

Robin Gibb: I dunno. I ju–I just don’t.

[laughter]

Barry Gibb: [turns to left] Sandra Day O’Connor. As a member of the [breaks into falsetto] Iraqi Study Group: Do you think the President will act on your [in falsetto] recommendations? Haaah!

Sandra Day O’Connor: First of all, Barry, I just want to say that it’s great to see you getting into politics. One could say your career is really, um… stayin’ alive.

[Audience chortles as Robin covers his eyes and Barry glances around in disbelief.]

Barry Gibb: What did you just say t’ me?! Haah-ahh! You do NOT try to joke me down on my own show!! [stands up and kicks the air] I’m BARRY ef-in’ GIBB!!!

[riotous cheers]

Barry Gibb: You think I’m here to pull my [in falsetto] Australian politics? I’m gonna show up and murder you on national television!! [in falsetto] Ha-aa! Ha-aa! Yaaah!

Sandra Day O’Connor: I’m sorry.

Barry Gibb: You are sorry: a sorry excuse for a human being. You’re a piece of human garbage.

Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] “Huu-u-u-man! Gaaa-a-ar-bage!”

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: Yeah!

[Barry glances irritably at Robin.]

Barry Gibb: [turns to right] Thomas Freedman: you spent over a decade in the Middle East. And I just wanted to say that I’m a great fan of your work.

Thomas Freedman: Well, thank you very much–

Barry Gibb: Don’t interrupt me, please, thank you. What did I JUST SAY, do you know who I AM? [stands up and kicks the air] I’m BARRY… GIBB!!! I will rip off your hands and wear them like boxing gloves and beat you to death! And then when I’m done, I will [in falsetto] humiliate your coooorpse! Robin, do you have anything to add?

[Robin stares blankly into space for several seconds.]

Robin Gibb: No. No, I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Robin? Look at me. Look at me. I’m your brother, Robin, look at me-e-e-e! [sings] “Robin, look at your brother, please!”

Robin Gibb: No, I don’t wanna.

Barry Gibb: [in the first note of “Nights on Broadway”] “He-e-e-e-e-e-y-y-y-y…”

[laughter]

Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] He-e-e-e-e-e-y-y-y-y…
President Carter!
James Earl Carter!
A p-p-p-p-peanut farmer!
President Ca-a-a-ar-ter!
Uh-huh!”

Barry Gibb: Huh!

Robin Gibb: Hah!

[Barry glances irritably at Robin again.]

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: Yah!

Barry Gibb: President Carter: if you could give President [in falsetto] Bush one piece of adviiiice… on how to deal with the situation in Iraq, what would it be?

President Jimmy Carter: [lifts eyebrows and bulges eyes] Well, Barry, Robin… What President Bush needs to understand is that one nation cannot impose democracy onto another. Especially when that nation is as divided as Iraq is.

Barry Gibb: [attentive] Okay.

President Jimmy Carter: He needs to get the Sunnis, the Shi’ites, and the Kurds together–

Barry Gibb: Right.

President Jimmy Carter: –and have honest dialogue about how to move forward.

Barry Gibb: That’s good.

President Jimmy Carter: Uh, when I was President, I brought Anwar Sadat and Menachem Begin together in the Camp David accord.

Barry Gibb: Good Lord! Every time I turn on TV, you’re goin’ on about Camp David accord!! It’s been thirty years! [in falsetto] Give it a reeeeest! You don’t see me talkin’ about “Saturday Night Fever” all the time–I moved ON!!

[Barry jumps up and starts kicking the air repeatedly. Carter cringes and leans against Sandra Day O’Connor.]

Barry Gibb: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOVE A BOTTLE INSIDE YOU AND KICK IT TILL IT BREAKS!!! YOU GET ME TIRED!!! I AM BARRY… GIBB!!!

[Barry plops back down in his chair but instantly leaps back up.]

Barry Gibb: [kicking the air] I will ruin you! I will ruin you! [starts singing] “I will ruu-uu-u-in you!”

Barry and Robin Gibb: [in harmony] “I will ruu-uu-u-in you! I will ruu-uu-u-in yoooooooooooou!”

[The audience screams in approval as Barry tumbles back into his chair. He wearily reaches for the flower basket on the center table, plucks a flower, and sniffs it.]

Barry Gibb: That’s all the time we have. [sings] “Well… I’m… Barr–”

[He is cut off by the “Nights on Broadway” track. As the lights dim and the disco ball reappears, the brothers jump up and start disco dancing.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout chest hair!
Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions!
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-own!
Oh, yeah…”

[Laughing, the brothers embrace briefly and dash offstage while the audience cheers tumultuously. SUPERIMPOSE The Barry Gibb Talk Show logo and fade to black while “Nights on Broadway” keeps playing.]

Submitted by: Sean

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