Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 9
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Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
Lou Dobbs…..Darrell Hammond
Gay Guy from New Jersey…..Fred Armisen
Vinnie…..Bill Hader
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonigt’s top stories:
On Monday, President Bush sought advice on Iraq from senior State Department officials, historians, and former generals. When the President asked why everyone was so quiet, an aide informed him that he was actually standing next to the White House nativity scene.
Muhammad Yunus, a Bangladeshi economist, accepted the Nobel Peace Prize on Sunday for his program to help the poor through tiny loans. Or as it’s called in this country: stripping.
Seth Meyers: On Friday, The Defense Department saluted exiting Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld with a full honor review by the armed forces, and speeches of gratitude from George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Osama bin Laden.
On Sunday, Reverend Paul Barnes, the pastor of a Denver mega-church, resigned after confessing to having sex with men, saying that he had often begged God to end his homosexual urges. Unfortunately, God just kept introducing him to hotter and hotter dudes.
Amy Poehler: That’s how it goes. On Tuesday, Immigration and Customs enforcement agents rounded up hundreds of immigrant workers at six Swift and Co. food processing plants, as part of a vast identify theft investigation. Here to offer his take on the siutation — from CNN’s “Lou Dobbs Tonight”, Lou Dobbs.
Lou Dobbs: Seth, Amy? Thanks for having me. While I applaud Immigration and Customs enforcement for this latest round, I think it only underscores the fact that our nation’s borders are broken. These are undocumented, illegal workers with direct access to our country’s vulnerable food supply. Meanwhile, the cause of the recent E. Coli outbreak at Taco Bell restaurants is still unknown. And, you know, Amy — people accuse me all the time of being anti-Mexican but all I’m saying is that, this week, if you ate a taco, you could’ve died. That is just a fact. But do the fat cats in Washington have a solution? Nothing that I’ve heard about.
Now I know there are a lot of naysayers out there who say that a 700-mile long wall between our country and Mexico is a waste of time and money that won’t stop anyone from crossing our borders. To that I say, why not build a second 700-mile long wall? Once the immigrants cross over a first wall, they’ll surely be crest-fallen to see another wall staring in their face. Then, put up a sign that says: “Wall #2 of 50.” We don’t have to build another 48 walls, as illegals will have to assume that any government insane enough to build two 700-mile long walls may JUST HAVE.. built 48 more. Now, I see you saying, “Lou, these Mexicans have shown time and time again that they have an unbreakable resolve to get into this great country of ours.. which is why I say, in the space between the two walls, we should build a 700-mile long trap door. Leading to a 700-mile long slide that will take the illegals right back to where they started.. in Mexico. It’s called a workable solution, and I just think there’s altogether too few of them coming out of Washington these days.
Amy Poehler: I agree. Thank you. Lou Dobbs, everybody.
Seth Meyers: Elizabeth “Lizzie” Bolden, the world’s oldest person, died Monday in a Memphis nursing home at the age of 116. Man, it’s like that title, “World’s Oldest Person”, is cursed or something.
Barack Obama was in New Hampshire Sunday. When informed of this, President Bush excitedly asked, “Did we catch him?”
Amy Poehler: [ Chanukah slide with menorah ] Friday night marked the first night of the War on Christmas.
President George W. Bush said this week that he believes Vice President Dick Cheney’s pregnant lesbian daughter Mary will make a “fine mom.” And then he then threw up a little bit in his mouth.
In an interview with Congressional Quarterly, Representative Silvestre Reyes, the incoming chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, did not know the difference between Sunni and Shiite Muslims. To which everyone else in Congress said, “Oh my God, I’m so glad you said that! I thought I was the only one!”
Seth Meyers: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is reporting that the number of people infected with E. Coli poisoning from Taco Bell is now at 71, thanks in large part to the new Xitlupa.
Authorities in India plan to release 47 leopards into the wild with electromagnetic chips planted in their tails, but will haul them back to captivity if they attack people. [ presses finger to receiver in his ear ] Annnnnnd.. they’ve just been hauled back in for attacking people.
Authorities have ordered Amish families in western New York state to stop employing their teenage children in sawmilling, woodworking and construction work. Upon hearing the news, one outraged Amish man fired off an angry response. But it didn’t get very far, as his Blackberry is an actual blackberry.
Amy Poehler: Blackberries! [ chuckles ]
The Golden State Fence Company, which built part of the border fence between California and Mexico, pleaded guilty in federal court on Thursday to hiring illegal workers. Proving that illegal immigrants are doing the jobs Americans won’t do to keep Mexicans from taking the jobs that Americans won’t do.
Seth Meyers: New Jersey legislature voted on Thursday to make New Jersey the third state in the nation to recognize civil unions for same-sex couples. Here to comment is.. the gay couple from New Jersey.
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Ohhh!!
Vinnie: Ohhh!!
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Hello, Seth and Amy.
Vinnie: [ grabs Gay Guy’s hand ] Look at him — he’s completely CI-VIL!! Ohhh!!
Together: Ohhhhhhh!!!!
Seth Meyers: Ah, just to clarify — the ruling recognizes civil unions, and not actual marriages. Is that correct?
Gay Guy from New Jersey: That’s RIGHT! New Jersey’s establishing the parallel institution of civil unions, joining Connecticut and Vermont!
Vinnie: What’s nice about New Jersey is that it’s not as gay as those OTHER two states! If you know what I mean!
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Yeah! [ holds his hands up to his head ] “I’m from Ver-monnnt!”
Vinnie: [ makes Vermont-gat motions ]
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Come on! Come on!
Seth Meyers: So.. what are you guys gonna give each other for Christmas?
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Well.. I don’t know what he wants.. but he’s gonna get a nice cashmere robe. He walks around our apartment like it’s a NUDE BEACH!
Vinnie: You like it!
Gay Guy from New Jersey: [ whispers ] Like it? I love it!
Vinnie: Ohhhh!!
Together: Ohhhhh!!!
Seth Meyers: Well, what — what would you like for a present?
Vinnie: Well, my eye’s on a meat freezer that’s big enough to store an ANIMAL! Say a deer, or a small bear that doesn’t pay off his loans.
Seth Meyers: And, what about you?
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Have you not been listenin’, Seth? Huh?! [ wraps his hands around Vinnie’s face ] I get to spend the rest of my life with this beautiful sonofabitch! My Christmas wishes have already come true.
Vinnie: [ straightens up ] Oh.
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Oh.
Seth Meyers: Uh —
Vinnie: [ holds mistletoe over his head ] Over here? [ grins laciviously as he chews his gum, points to himself ]
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Ohh!
Vinnie: [ lowers the mistletoe to his chest ] Over here?
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Oh!
Vinnie: [ lowers it below the desk ] Over here?
Gay Guy from New Jersey: Ohhhh!
Vinnie: Ohhhh!
Seth Meyers: Ohhhh! The gay couple from New Jersey, everyone! Great job.
Amy Poehler: On Monday night, Senator Barack Obama introduced the Monday Night Football game between the Chicago Bears and St. Louis Rams. Not to be outdone, Hillary Clinton had three sacks and a fumble recovery.
Mattel said that sales of Barbies this year are up for the first time in several years, thanks in part to America’s renewed interest in hairless vaginas!
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!
