Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 10
January 13th, 2007
A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) makes the case for deploying even more troops into Baghdad, from esteemed military personnel to park rangers and mailmen.
Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.
Jake Gyllenhaal’s MonologueSummary: To appease fans of “Brokeback Mountain”, Jake Gyllenhaal dons drag clothing and sings a tune from “Dreamgirls.”
Bio: Jake Gyllenhaal (1980-). Actor; son of director Stephen Gyllenhaal and screenwriter Naomi Foner, and brother of actress Maggie Gyllenhaal; film debut as Billy Crystal’s son in “City Slickers” (1991); later film credits include “Bubble Boy” (2001), “Brokeback Mountain” (2004), “Jarhead” (2005), “Zodiac” (2007).
Deep House DishSummary: DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan Thompson) and co-host T’Shane (Andy Samberg) dish out more of the club music scene.
Recurring Characters: DJ Dynasty Handbag, T’Shane.
Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter about what’s happening in New York this week and make googly-eyes with young author, Frank O’Connor (Jake Gyllenhaal).
Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz.
Donald Trump Press ConferenceSummary: Despite his requests to hold a press conference for “The Apprentice: Los Angeles” without taking questions about Rosie O’Donnell, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) keeps dropping her name anyway.
Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.
Cool RestaurantSummary: A couple (Jake Gyllenhaal, Kristen Wiig) on a date are excited about to be dining at the coolest restaurant in town, where even the meatballs (Andy Samberg, Fred Armisen) are so cool that they smoke and play musical instruments.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg return to Lorne Michaels’ office to show off their new and improved homemade sci-fi video for “Laser Cats 2!”, which is barely any different from their first “Laser Cats!” film.
Stock Footage AwardsSummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) and Jane Pauley (Kristen Wiig) distribute awards for the best video stock footage to appear in news stories during the past year.
Recurring Characters: Dan Rather, Jane Pauley.
The Shins perform “Phantom Limb”Bio: Indie rock group based out of Portland, Oregon; members: James Russell Mercer, Martin Crandall, Dave Hernandez, Jesse Sandoval, and Eric Johnson.
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Apple’s Steve Jobs (Fred Armisen) introduces the ridiculous capabilities of the new iPhone and plugs “The Office.” Strapped-for-cash Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) announces that she is auctioning off her belongings.
Recurring Characters: Steve Jobs, Whitney Houston.
“Law & Order” Master ClassSummary: Actress Catherine Fontaine (Amy Poehler) teaches a workshop for actors who strive to land a three-line role on any of the “Law & Order” programs.
Wheelchair DatesSummary: Jeff (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Anna (Maya Rudolph) claim that they’ve tried to set up Rob (Jason Sudeikis) with Jamie (Kristen Wiig) because they have so much in common, not because they’re both confined to wheelchairs.
The Shins perform “New Slang”Lyrics
Kaplan, Leibowitz & DolemiteSummary: Lowell Kaplan (Fred Armisen), Jeffrey Leibowitz (Jake Gyllenhaal) & Christopher Dolemite (Kenan Thompson) are small-scale lawyers who are just like you.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Gunther MountainSummary: Snow blowers keep the mountain open year round for skiing.
Are They Crazy?Summary: Contestants are challenged to guess whether or not people truly are crazy.
Siamese TwinsSummary: A pair of Siamese Twins (Will Forte, Dane Cook) teach a class.
Note: This sketch was previously cut from the season premiere with Dane Cook.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg stars in a series of movie trailers.
The DVDSummary: Co-workers ponder the ownership of a “Beetlejuice” DVD left lying around.