SNL Transcripts: Jake Gyllenhaal: 01/13/07: Bronx Beat with Betty and Jodi

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 10

06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins


Betty Caruso….Amy Poehler
Jodi Dietz….Maya Rudolph
DeeDee….Kristen Wiig
Frank O’Connor….Jake Gyllenhaal

[Open with a dilapidated Bronx building.Theme music playing. Camera pans back and it shows the TV studio for Bronx Beat. Betty and Jodi are sitting down chewing gum. They are having a conversation already. They have strong New York accents.]

Betty Caruso: We’re on? All right. Hello.

Jodi Dietz: Hello.

Betty Caruso: Hello. Welcome to our show. This is Bronx Beat. I am Betty Caruso, she’s Jodi Dietz.

Jodi Dietz: Hello.

Betty Caruso: You know what? I’m already exhausted.

Jodi Dietz: Tell me about it.

Betty Caruso: I’m so exhausted. Why do we say we gotta do this show? We don’t have time.

Jodi Dietz: Tell me about it. I gotta take my daughters to school and the other one with the extra class, she’s got to be there at 6:30 in the morning. I don’t got enough going on? My morning is like a triathlon. With swimming, running, jumping.

Betty Caruso: What are they? Horses?

Jodi Dietz: I know. Its ridiculous!

Betty Caruso: Are they horses or kids? Its too much. Enough. No, thank you. Really!

Jodi Dietz: Seriously.

Betty Caruso: Beat it!

Jodi Dietz: What’s in the news?

Betty Caruso: Oh, God! the weather here—

Jodi Dietz: Ugh, its 70 degrees outside in New York.

Betty Caruso: Its nuts!

Jodi Dietz: Its nuts! What is that?

Betty Caruso: What’s wrong with it? The whole world is gonna blow up, I swear!

Jodi Dietz: Its true. My mother gave me the most beautiful leather coat on my birthday. You know how many times I’ve worn it this year? O.00.

Betty Caruso: Its bananas! The whole world is bananas. You know what I say? Live your life cause the world is gonna blow up!

Jodi Dietz: She’s right. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends, have a glass of wine.

Betty Caruso: Have 2 glasses of wine, have 10 glasses of wine. What do I care? What am I? The police or something? You know what I say? Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

Jodi Dietz: Smoke’em if you got ’em. All right. Let’s introduce our guest.

Betty Caruso: Oh, God! The guest–

Jodi Dietz: I know. Tell me about it.

Betty Caruso: All right. Here we go.

Jodi Dietz: Here we go. Buckle up.

[Betty picks up an index card]

Betty Caruso: All right. I can’t read this. This is chicken scratch. Who wrote this?

Jodi Dietz: It’s mine. I’m sorry. I’m a mess.

Betty Caruso: You have terrible penmanship.

Jodi Dietz: Its my eyes.

Betty Caruso: Well, you tried the best you can. All right, here we go. Let’s just bring him on, ok? Bring him on.

Jodi Dietz: He’ll tell us his name. Come on out, come on out. Have a seat.

[Theme music plays. A handsome, athletic dude with a book sits next to them]

Betty Caruso: Sit down.

Jodi Dietz: What’s your name?

Frank O’Connor: Hello. I’m Frank O’Connor.

Betty Caruso: Oh my God! Look at him! He’s gorgeous.

Jodi Dietz: He’s gorgeous. Look at that face.

Betty Caruso: Love him. He’s adorable, adorable face.

Jodi Dietz: So you wrote a book, sweetheart?

Frank O’Connor: Yes.

Betty Caruso: So adorable. Look at his face. I’m loving his face.

Jodi Dietz: Those eyes!

Betty Caruso: What are you? Part Indian?

Jodi Dietz: You Cherokee?

Betty Caruso: Look at those cheekbones. What are you? Sioux? You Sioux? You got Sioux in you?

Jodi Dietz: You Chippewa?

Betty Caruso: Got a little Sioux in you?

Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?

Betty Caruso: What are you? Apache?

Jodi Dietz: You Mohegan?

Betty and Jodi Dietz: Mohegan?!

Betty Caruso: Yeah, when you go out gambling do you go to Mohegan or Fox woods? What are you? Tell us.

Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?

Betty Caruso: You got Sioux in you?

Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?

Betty Caruso: Sioux?

Frank O’Connor: Uh, well, I’m Irish-Italian.

Betty Caruso: Oh, God! Temper, temper.

Jodi Dietz: That’s a terrible mix.

Betty Caruso: Not features-wise, obviously, not features-wise but temperament, no. Terrible bargain.

Jodi Dietz: Tell us what your book is about, sweetheart.

Frank O’Connor: It’s a guide to the best mountain-biking trails in the United States.

Betty Caruso: Uh-huh.

[Betty and Jodi don’t give a crap about the book]

Betty Caruso: Let me ask you something, Frank. You married?

Frank O’Connor: Well, I have a girlfriend.

Jodi Dietz: Why haven’t you asked your girlfriend to marry you?

Betty Caruso: You know what? Don’t get married. Listen to us. Don’t get married, the minute you do your life is over, over!

Jodi Dietz: She’s right. You know what? My husband, I want to kill him. I want to strangle him while he’s asleep. I want to kill him. But you know what? [voice breaking] I love him. He’s the love of my life.

Betty Caruso: Here we go with the waterworks.

Jodi Dietz: He gave me my two daughters. What am I gonna do?

Betty Caruso: So emotional these days!

Jodi Dietz: Its true. Can’t help it. Gave me the 2 daughters. I would die without him.

Betty Caruso: You know what, Frank? Do whatever you want. What am I? An expert?

Jodi Dietz: She’s right. Don’t listen to us.

Betty Caruso: So, your book. You like to ride bikes?

Frank O’Connor: Yes. I traveled all over the country and found the best trails and rated them according to difficulty and size and—

Jodi Dietz: Uh-huh, you know how many times I had sex last year, Frankie? 0.00 times. It was my choice. This area [her crotch] it’s got the Ghostbusters thing over it. No one’s allowed in there.

Betty Caruso: No trespassing.

Jodi Dietz: No trespassing. Closed for business. You know that red circle with the line? That Ghostbusters thing? It’s my choice.

Betty Caruso: You know what? When my husband wants to get sexy, you know what I say to him? Go look at a picture of Angelina Jolie.

Jodi Dietz: Ugh, take a hike, that one.

Betty Caruso: God, that one.

Jodi Dietz: Give me a break.

Betty Caruso: Always talking. So dumb.

Jodi Dietz: Oh, I had enough.

Betty Caruso: Oh, God. Enough of her.

Jodi Dietz: Oh, please.[to Frank] Oh, so, thank you very much.

Betty Caruso: Good luck with your book, Frank. Bye-bye.

Jodi Dietz: Bye-bye.

Frank O’Connor: Um, ok, uh, thanks.[leaves]

Jodi Dietz: He’s adorable. Delicious.

Betty Caruso: Nice, kind eyes.

Jodi Dietz: You can say that again.

Betty Caruso: Very kind eyes.

Jodi Dietz: God bless him and God bless that book.

Betty Caruso: I loved him. He was a doll. All right, now we have to take a call. How does this work?

[Looks at the telephone for the speaker]

Jodi Dietz: Oh, please. I have no idea. This thing drives me nuts. It’s too complex.

Betty Caruso: Its like starship enterprise over here.

Jodi Dietz: Press that. That thing.

[Betty presses a button on the phone]

Betty Caruso: Here we go. Hello?

Jodi Dietz: Hello.

Betty Caruso: Caller?

[Voice from the speakerphone]

DeeDee: Hi, girls!

Jodi Dietz: Hi, Deedee.

Betty Caruso: Hi, Deedee. How cute was he?

Jodi Dietz: How cute was he?

DeeDee: What?!

Jodi Dietz: Can you hear us Deedee?

Betty Caruso: God, the speakerphone is junk!

DeeDee: I’m at Shop Rite. The lines are huge!

Jodi Dietz: Deedee, hello? Can you hear us?

DeeDee: I can’t find one cashew in the whole store!

Betty Caruso: You know what? Hang it up.

DeeDee: Does Ocean Spray have carbs?

Betty Caruso: Hang up, hang up. She’s gonna start swearing! Hang up the phone.

Jodi Dietz: She drives me nuts.

Betty Caruso: What is she doing looking for a cashew?

Jodi Dietz: Good-bye, Deedee. I’m hanging up.

[Call ends]

Betty Caruso: Why is she at Shop Rite?

Jodi Dietz: I don’t know. She drives me nuts. You know who I miss? That kid.

Betty Caruso: Oh, Frankie.

Jodi Dietz: Frankie, let’s get him back here.

Betty Caruso: God, he’s adorable.

Jodi Dietz: Where is he?[to someone off camera]Jenna, where is he?

Betty Caruso: Jenna, where is he?

Jodi Dietz: He’s in the bathroom? Get him back out here.

Betty Caruso: What is he? The King of England? Knock on the door. Get him back out here.

Jodi Dietz: Knock on the door.

[Frank joins them again]

Frank O’Connor: Should I bring my book?

Jodi Dietz: No. Just sit, honey. You’re adorable. Have a seat. Look at you.

Betty Caruso: Tell me something, Frankie. What are you? A Leo?

Jodi Dietz: Leo?

Betty Caruso: Aries?

Jodi Dietz: Aries?

Betty Caruso: Taurus?

Jodi Dietz: Taurus?

Betty Caruso: You’re a bull?

Frank O’Connor: I’m, a–um, gem– Gemini.

Betty Caruso: Oh, he’s a Gemini. Oh, Boy! Twin, twin, twin!

Jodi Dietz: You know why? He’s a good boy. You know why? ‘Cause he’s good to his mother. He’s got a nice smile. You love your mother don’t you, Frankie?

[Frank smiles]

Jodi Dietz: Look at the mouth! Look at the corner of the mouth! His eyes light up.

Betty Caruso: He’s adorable, love you. All right, tell us about your book.

Frank O’Connor: Well, I’ve been riding for years and I–

Betty Caruso: By the way, did you smell that weird smell in the city the other day?

Jodi Dietz: Weird!

Betty Caruso: The whole city smelled like garbage.

Jodi Dietz: What was that? You know what it smelled like? The city smelled like a pickle. You know, it smelled like when you cook fish in the house.

Betty Caruso: Oh, you know what? When my husband brings in fish into the house I say “go have your other wife cook it”.

[Theme music plays]

Jodi Dietz: Exactly.

Betty Caruso: Go have Angelina Jolie cook it. That one drives me nuts.

Jodi Dietz: Oh, she’s nuts.

Betty Caruso: She’s absolutely bananas.

Jodi Dietz: You’re adorable. How old are you?

Betty Caruso: How old are you?

Frank O’Connor: I, uh, what? I’m a Gemini…

[Bronx Beat with Betty and Jodi logo appears. They continue talking to Frank] [fade] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Notify of