SNL Transcripts: Jake Gyllenhaal: 01/13/07: Bronx Beat with Betty and Jodi


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 10

06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins


Betty Caruso….Amy Poehler
Jodi Dietz….Maya Rudolph
DeeDee….Kristen Wiig
Frank O’Connor….Jake Gyllenhaal

[Open with a dilapidated Bronx building.Theme music playing. Camera pans back and it shows the TV studio for Bronx Beat. Betty and Jodi are sitting down chewing gum. They are having a conversation already. They have strong New York accents.]

Betty Caruso: We’re on? All right. Hello.

Jodi Dietz: Hello.

Betty Caruso: Hello. Welcome to our show. This is Bronx Beat. I am Betty Caruso, she’s Jodi Dietz.

Jodi Dietz: Hello.

Betty Caruso: You know what? I’m already exhausted.

Jodi Dietz: Tell me about it.

Betty Caruso: I’m so exhausted. Why do we say we gotta do this show? We don’t have time.

Jodi Dietz: Tell me about it. I gotta take my daughters to school and the other one with the extra class, she’s got to be there at 6:30 in the morning. I don’t got enough going on? My morning is like a triathlon. With swimming, running, jumping.

Betty Caruso: What are they? Horses?

Jodi Dietz: I know. Its ridiculous!

Betty Caruso: Are they horses or kids? Its too much. Enough. No, thank you. Really!

Jodi Dietz: Seriously.

Betty Caruso: Beat it!

Jodi Dietz: What’s in the news?

Betty Caruso: Oh, God! the weather here—

Jodi Dietz: Ugh, its 70 degrees outside in New York.

Betty Caruso: Its nuts!

Jodi Dietz: Its nuts! What is that?

Betty Caruso: What’s wrong with it? The whole world is gonna blow up, I swear!

Jodi Dietz: Its true. My mother gave me the most beautiful leather coat on my birthday. You know how many times I’ve worn it this year? O.00.

Betty Caruso: Its bananas! The whole world is bananas. You know what I say? Live your life cause the world is gonna blow up!

Jodi Dietz: She’s right. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends, have a glass of wine.

Betty Caruso: Have 2 glasses of wine, have 10 glasses of wine. What do I care? What am I? The police or something? You know what I say? Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

Jodi Dietz: Smoke’em if you got ’em. All right. Let’s introduce our guest.

Betty Caruso: Oh, God! The guest–

Jodi Dietz: I know. Tell me about it.

Betty Caruso: All right. Here we go.

Jodi Dietz: Here we go. Buckle up.

[Betty picks up an index card]

Betty Caruso: All right. I can’t read this. This is chicken scratch. Who wrote this?

Jodi Dietz: It’s mine. I’m sorry. I’m a mess.

Betty Caruso: You have terrible penmanship.

Jodi Dietz: Its my eyes.

Betty Caruso: Well, you tried the best you can. All right, here we go. Let’s just bring him on, ok? Bring him on.

Jodi Dietz: He’ll tell us his name. Come on out, come on out. Have a seat.

[Theme music plays. A handsome, athletic dude with a book sits next to them]

Betty Caruso: Sit down.

Jodi Dietz: What’s your name?

Frank O’Connor: Hello. I’m Frank O’Connor.

Betty Caruso: Oh my God! Look at him! He’s gorgeous.

Jodi Dietz: He’s gorgeous. Look at that face.

Betty Caruso: Love him. He’s adorable, adorable face.

Jodi Dietz: So you wrote a book, sweetheart?

Frank O’Connor: Yes.

Betty Caruso: So adorable. Look at his face. I’m loving his face.

Jodi Dietz: Those eyes!

Betty Caruso: What are you? Part Indian?

Jodi Dietz: You Cherokee?

Betty Caruso: Look at those cheekbones. What are you? Sioux? You Sioux? You got Sioux in you?

Jodi Dietz: You Chippewa?

Betty Caruso: Got a little Sioux in you?

Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?

Betty Caruso: What are you? Apache?

Jodi Dietz: You Mohegan?

Betty and Jodi Dietz: Mohegan?!

Betty Caruso: Yeah, when you go out gambling do you go to Mohegan or Fox woods? What are you? Tell us.

Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?

Betty Caruso: You got Sioux in you?

Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?

Betty Caruso: Sioux?

Frank O’Connor: Uh, well, I’m Irish-Italian.

Betty Caruso: Oh, God! Temper, temper.

Jodi Dietz: That’s a terrible mix.

Betty Caruso: Not features-wise, obviously, not features-wise but temperament, no. Terrible bargain.

Jodi Dietz: Tell us what your book is about, sweetheart.

Frank O’Connor: It’s a guide to the best mountain-biking trails in the United States.

Betty Caruso: Uh-huh.

[Betty and Jodi don’t give a crap about the book]

Betty Caruso: Let me ask you something, Frank. You married?

Frank O’Connor: Well, I have a girlfriend.

Jodi Dietz: Why haven’t you asked your girlfriend to marry you?

Betty Caruso: You know what? Don’t get married. Listen to us. Don’t get married, the minute you do your life is over, over!

Jodi Dietz: She’s right. You know what? My husband, I want to kill him. I want to strangle him while he’s asleep. I want to kill him. But you know what? [voice breaking] I love him. He’s the love of my life.

Betty Caruso: Here we go with the waterworks.

Jodi Dietz: He gave me my two daughters. What am I gonna do?

Betty Caruso: So emotional these days!

Jodi Dietz: Its true. Can’t help it. Gave me the 2 daughters. I would die without him.

Betty Caruso: You know what, Frank? Do whatever you want. What am I? An expert?

Jodi Dietz: She’s right. Don’t listen to us.

Betty Caruso: So, your book. You like to ride bikes?

Frank O’Connor: Yes. I traveled all over the country and found the best trails and rated them according to difficulty and size and—

Jodi Dietz: Uh-huh, you know how many times I had sex last year, Frankie? 0.00 times. It was my choice. This area [her crotch] it’s got the Ghostbusters thing over it. No one’s allowed in there.

Betty Caruso: No trespassing.

Jodi Dietz: No trespassing. Closed for business. You know that red circle with the line? That Ghostbusters thing? It’s my choice.

Betty Caruso: You know what? When my husband wants to get sexy, you know what I say to him? Go look at a picture of Angelina Jolie.

Jodi Dietz: Ugh, take a hike, that one.

Betty Caruso: God, that one.

Jodi Dietz: Give me a break.

Betty Caruso: Always talking. So dumb.

Jodi Dietz: Oh, I had enough.

Betty Caruso: Oh, God. Enough of her.

Jodi Dietz: Oh, please.[to Frank] Oh, so, thank you very much.

Betty Caruso: Good luck with your book, Frank. Bye-bye.

Jodi Dietz: Bye-bye.

Frank O’Connor: Um, ok, uh, thanks.[leaves]

Jodi Dietz: He’s adorable. Delicious.

Betty Caruso: Nice, kind eyes.

Jodi Dietz: You can say that again.

Betty Caruso: Very kind eyes.

Jodi Dietz: God bless him and God bless that book.

Betty Caruso: I loved him. He was a doll. All right, now we have to take a call. How does this work?

[Looks at the telephone for the speaker]

Jodi Dietz: Oh, please. I have no idea. This thing drives me nuts. It’s too complex.

Betty Caruso: Its like starship enterprise over here.

Jodi Dietz: Press that. That thing.

[Betty presses a button on the phone]

Betty Caruso: Here we go. Hello?

Jodi Dietz: Hello.

Betty Caruso: Caller?

[Voice from the speakerphone]

DeeDee: Hi, girls!

Jodi Dietz: Hi, Deedee.

Betty Caruso: Hi, Deedee. How cute was he?

Jodi Dietz: How cute was he?

DeeDee: What?!

Jodi Dietz: Can you hear us Deedee?

Betty Caruso: God, the speakerphone is junk!

DeeDee: I’m at Shop Rite. The lines are huge!

Jodi Dietz: Deedee, hello? Can you hear us?

DeeDee: I can’t find one cashew in the whole store!

Betty Caruso: You know what? Hang it up.

DeeDee: Does Ocean Spray have carbs?

Betty Caruso: Hang up, hang up. She’s gonna start swearing! Hang up the phone.

Jodi Dietz: She drives me nuts.

Betty Caruso: What is she doing looking for a cashew?

Jodi Dietz: Good-bye, Deedee. I’m hanging up.

[Call ends]

Betty Caruso: Why is she at Shop Rite?

Jodi Dietz: I don’t know. She drives me nuts. You know who I miss? That kid.

Betty Caruso: Oh, Frankie.

Jodi Dietz: Frankie, let’s get him back here.

Betty Caruso: God, he’s adorable.

Jodi Dietz: Where is he?[to someone off camera]Jenna, where is he?

Betty Caruso: Jenna, where is he?

Jodi Dietz: He’s in the bathroom? Get him back out here.

Betty Caruso: What is he? The King of England? Knock on the door. Get him back out here.

Jodi Dietz: Knock on the door.

[Frank joins them again]

Frank O’Connor: Should I bring my book?

Jodi Dietz: No. Just sit, honey. You’re adorable. Have a seat. Look at you.

Betty Caruso: Tell me something, Frankie. What are you? A Leo?

Jodi Dietz: Leo?

Betty Caruso: Aries?

Jodi Dietz: Aries?

Betty Caruso: Taurus?

Jodi Dietz: Taurus?

Betty Caruso: You’re a bull?

Frank O’Connor: I’m, a–um, gem– Gemini.

Betty Caruso: Oh, he’s a Gemini. Oh, Boy! Twin, twin, twin!

Jodi Dietz: You know why? He’s a good boy. You know why? ‘Cause he’s good to his mother. He’s got a nice smile. You love your mother don’t you, Frankie?

[Frank smiles]

Jodi Dietz: Look at the mouth! Look at the corner of the mouth! His eyes light up.

Betty Caruso: He’s adorable, love you. All right, tell us about your book.

Frank O’Connor: Well, I’ve been riding for years and I–

Betty Caruso: By the way, did you smell that weird smell in the city the other day?

Jodi Dietz: Weird!

Betty Caruso: The whole city smelled like garbage.

Jodi Dietz: What was that? You know what it smelled like? The city smelled like a pickle. You know, it smelled like when you cook fish in the house.

Betty Caruso: Oh, you know what? When my husband brings in fish into the house I say “go have your other wife cook it”.

[Theme music plays]

Jodi Dietz: Exactly.

Betty Caruso: Go have Angelina Jolie cook it. That one drives me nuts.

Jodi Dietz: Oh, she’s nuts.

Betty Caruso: She’s absolutely bananas.

Jodi Dietz: You’re adorable. How old are you?

Betty Caruso: How old are you?

Frank O’Connor: I, uh, what? I’m a Gemini…

[Bronx Beat with Betty and Jodi logo appears. They continue talking to Frank] [fade] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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