Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 10
Betty Caruso….Amy Poehler
Jodi Dietz….Maya Rudolph
Frank O’Connor….Jake Gyllenhaal
[Open with a dilapidated Bronx building.Theme music playing. Camera pans back and it shows the TV studio for Bronx Beat. Betty and Jodi are sitting down chewing gum. They are having a conversation already. They have strong New York accents.]
Betty Caruso: We’re on? All right. Hello.
Jodi Dietz: Hello.
Betty Caruso: Hello. Welcome to our show. This is Bronx Beat. I am Betty Caruso, she’s Jodi Dietz.
Jodi Dietz: Hello.
Betty Caruso: You know what? I’m already exhausted.
Jodi Dietz: Tell me about it.
Betty Caruso: I’m so exhausted. Why do we say we gotta do this show? We don’t have time.
Jodi Dietz: Tell me about it. I gotta take my daughters to school and the other one with the extra class, she’s got to be there at 6:30 in the morning. I don’t got enough going on? My morning is like a triathlon. With swimming, running, jumping.
Betty Caruso: What are they? Horses?
Jodi Dietz: I know. Its ridiculous!
Betty Caruso: Are they horses or kids? Its too much. Enough. No, thank you. Really!
Jodi Dietz: Seriously.
Betty Caruso: Beat it!
Jodi Dietz: What’s in the news?
Betty Caruso: Oh, God! the weather here—
Jodi Dietz: Ugh, its 70 degrees outside in New York.
Betty Caruso: Its nuts!
Jodi Dietz: Its nuts! What is that?
Betty Caruso: What’s wrong with it? The whole world is gonna blow up, I swear!
Jodi Dietz: Its true. My mother gave me the most beautiful leather coat on my birthday. You know how many times I’ve worn it this year? O.00.
Betty Caruso: Its bananas! The whole world is bananas. You know what I say? Live your life cause the world is gonna blow up!
Jodi Dietz: She’s right. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends, have a glass of wine.
Betty Caruso: Have 2 glasses of wine, have 10 glasses of wine. What do I care? What am I? The police or something? You know what I say? Smoke ’em if you got ’em.
Jodi Dietz: Smoke’em if you got ’em. All right. Let’s introduce our guest.
Betty Caruso: Oh, God! The guest–
Jodi Dietz: I know. Tell me about it.
Betty Caruso: All right. Here we go.
Jodi Dietz: Here we go. Buckle up.
[Betty picks up an index card]
Betty Caruso: All right. I can’t read this. This is chicken scratch. Who wrote this?
Jodi Dietz: It’s mine. I’m sorry. I’m a mess.
Betty Caruso: You have terrible penmanship.
Jodi Dietz: Its my eyes.
Betty Caruso: Well, you tried the best you can. All right, here we go. Let’s just bring him on, ok? Bring him on.
Jodi Dietz: He’ll tell us his name. Come on out, come on out. Have a seat.
[Theme music plays. A handsome, athletic dude with a book sits next to them]
Betty Caruso: Sit down.
Jodi Dietz: What’s your name?
Frank O’Connor: Hello. I’m Frank O’Connor.
Betty Caruso: Oh my God! Look at him! He’s gorgeous.
Jodi Dietz: He’s gorgeous. Look at that face.
Betty Caruso: Love him. He’s adorable, adorable face.
Jodi Dietz: So you wrote a book, sweetheart?
Frank O’Connor: Yes.
Betty Caruso: So adorable. Look at his face. I’m loving his face.
Jodi Dietz: Those eyes!
Betty Caruso: What are you? Part Indian?
Jodi Dietz: You Cherokee?
Betty Caruso: Look at those cheekbones. What are you? Sioux? You Sioux? You got Sioux in you?
Jodi Dietz: You Chippewa?
Betty Caruso: Got a little Sioux in you?
Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?
Betty Caruso: What are you? Apache?
Jodi Dietz: You Mohegan?
Betty and Jodi Dietz: Mohegan?!
Betty Caruso: Yeah, when you go out gambling do you go to Mohegan or Fox woods? What are you? Tell us.
Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?
Betty Caruso: You got Sioux in you?
Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?
Betty Caruso: Sioux?
Frank O’Connor: Uh, well, I’m Irish-Italian.
Betty Caruso: Oh, God! Temper, temper.
Jodi Dietz: That’s a terrible mix.
Betty Caruso: Not features-wise, obviously, not features-wise but temperament, no. Terrible bargain.
Jodi Dietz: Tell us what your book is about, sweetheart.
Frank O’Connor: It’s a guide to the best mountain-biking trails in the United States.
Betty Caruso: Uh-huh.
[Betty and Jodi don’t give a crap about the book]
Betty Caruso: Let me ask you something, Frank. You married?
Frank O’Connor: Well, I have a girlfriend.
Jodi Dietz: Why haven’t you asked your girlfriend to marry you?
Betty Caruso: You know what? Don’t get married. Listen to us. Don’t get married, the minute you do your life is over, over!
Jodi Dietz: She’s right. You know what? My husband, I want to kill him. I want to strangle him while he’s asleep. I want to kill him. But you know what? [voice breaking] I love him. He’s the love of my life.
Betty Caruso: Here we go with the waterworks.
Jodi Dietz: He gave me my two daughters. What am I gonna do?
Betty Caruso: So emotional these days!
Jodi Dietz: Its true. Can’t help it. Gave me the 2 daughters. I would die without him.
Betty Caruso: You know what, Frank? Do whatever you want. What am I? An expert?
Jodi Dietz: She’s right. Don’t listen to us.
Betty Caruso: So, your book. You like to ride bikes?
Frank O’Connor: Yes. I traveled all over the country and found the best trails and rated them according to difficulty and size and—
Jodi Dietz: Uh-huh, you know how many times I had sex last year, Frankie? 0.00 times. It was my choice. This area [her crotch] it’s got the Ghostbusters thing over it. No one’s allowed in there.
Betty Caruso: No trespassing.
Jodi Dietz: No trespassing. Closed for business. You know that red circle with the line? That Ghostbusters thing? It’s my choice.
Betty Caruso: You know what? When my husband wants to get sexy, you know what I say to him? Go look at a picture of Angelina Jolie.
Jodi Dietz: Ugh, take a hike, that one.
Betty Caruso: God, that one.
Jodi Dietz: Give me a break.
Betty Caruso: Always talking. So dumb.
Jodi Dietz: Oh, I had enough.
Betty Caruso: Oh, God. Enough of her.
Jodi Dietz: Oh, please.[to Frank] Oh, so, thank you very much.
Betty Caruso: Good luck with your book, Frank. Bye-bye.
Jodi Dietz: Bye-bye.
Frank O’Connor: Um, ok, uh, thanks.[leaves]
Jodi Dietz: He’s adorable. Delicious.
Betty Caruso: Nice, kind eyes.
Jodi Dietz: You can say that again.
Betty Caruso: Very kind eyes.
Jodi Dietz: God bless him and God bless that book.
Betty Caruso: I loved him. He was a doll. All right, now we have to take a call. How does this work?
[Looks at the telephone for the speaker]
Jodi Dietz: Oh, please. I have no idea. This thing drives me nuts. It’s too complex.
Betty Caruso: Its like starship enterprise over here.
Jodi Dietz: Press that. That thing.
[Betty presses a button on the phone]
Betty Caruso: Here we go. Hello?
Jodi Dietz: Hello.
Betty Caruso: Caller?
[Voice from the speakerphone]
DeeDee: Hi, girls!
Jodi Dietz: Hi, Deedee.
Betty Caruso: Hi, Deedee. How cute was he?
Jodi Dietz: How cute was he?
Jodi Dietz: Can you hear us Deedee?
Betty Caruso: God, the speakerphone is junk!
DeeDee: I’m at Shop Rite. The lines are huge!
Jodi Dietz: Deedee, hello? Can you hear us?
DeeDee: I can’t find one cashew in the whole store!
Betty Caruso: You know what? Hang it up.
DeeDee: Does Ocean Spray have carbs?
Betty Caruso: Hang up, hang up. She’s gonna start swearing! Hang up the phone.
Jodi Dietz: She drives me nuts.
Betty Caruso: What is she doing looking for a cashew?
Jodi Dietz: Good-bye, Deedee. I’m hanging up.
Betty Caruso: Why is she at Shop Rite?
Jodi Dietz: I don’t know. She drives me nuts. You know who I miss? That kid.
Betty Caruso: Oh, Frankie.
Jodi Dietz: Frankie, let’s get him back here.
Betty Caruso: God, he’s adorable.
Jodi Dietz: Where is he?[to someone off camera]Jenna, where is he?
Betty Caruso: Jenna, where is he?
Jodi Dietz: He’s in the bathroom? Get him back out here.
Betty Caruso: What is he? The King of England? Knock on the door. Get him back out here.
Jodi Dietz: Knock on the door.
[Frank joins them again]
Frank O’Connor: Should I bring my book?
Jodi Dietz: No. Just sit, honey. You’re adorable. Have a seat. Look at you.
Betty Caruso: Tell me something, Frankie. What are you? A Leo?
Jodi Dietz: Leo?
Betty Caruso: Aries?
Jodi Dietz: Aries?
Betty Caruso: Taurus?
Jodi Dietz: Taurus?
Betty Caruso: You’re a bull?
Frank O’Connor: I’m, a–um, gem– Gemini.
Betty Caruso: Oh, he’s a Gemini. Oh, Boy! Twin, twin, twin!
Jodi Dietz: You know why? He’s a good boy. You know why? ‘Cause he’s good to his mother. He’s got a nice smile. You love your mother don’t you, Frankie?
Jodi Dietz: Look at the mouth! Look at the corner of the mouth! His eyes light up.
Betty Caruso: He’s adorable, love you. All right, tell us about your book.
Frank O’Connor: Well, I’ve been riding for years and I–
Betty Caruso: By the way, did you smell that weird smell in the city the other day?
Jodi Dietz: Weird!
Betty Caruso: The whole city smelled like garbage.
Jodi Dietz: What was that? You know what it smelled like? The city smelled like a pickle. You know, it smelled like when you cook fish in the house.
Betty Caruso: Oh, you know what? When my husband brings in fish into the house I say “go have your other wife cook it”.
[Theme music plays]
Jodi Dietz: Exactly.
Betty Caruso: Go have Angelina Jolie cook it. That one drives me nuts.
Jodi Dietz: Oh, she’s nuts.
Betty Caruso: She’s absolutely bananas.
Jodi Dietz: You’re adorable. How old are you?
Betty Caruso: How old are you?
Frank O’Connor: I, uh, what? I’m a Gemini…
[Bronx Beat with Betty and Jodi logo appears. They continue talking to Frank]
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel