SNL Transcripts: Jake Gyllenhaal: 01/13/07: Cool Restaurant


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 10

06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

Cool Restaurant

Pam….Kristen Wiig
Boyfriend….Jake Gyllenhaal
Waiter….Bill Hader
Cool Meatball 1….Fred Armisen
Cool Meatball 2….Andy Samberg
Cool Chicken Parmesan….Amy Poehler

[Opens with an outside shot of Juliano’s restaurant.Cut to inside, a young couple share a table]

Boyfriend: Wow, Pam I can’t believe we actually got reservations here.

Pam: This is supposed to be the coolest restaurant in the city.

Boyfriend: Yeah, and I even read that the food is cool.

Pam: What do you mean?

Boyfriend: You know, like, the food is supposed to be really cool.

Pam: Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever had cool food before.

Boyfriend: I know. Me neither.

[Waiter brings their plates.]

Waiter: For the lady our Chicken Parmesan and for yousir, the famous Spaghetti and Meatballs. Enjoy.

Pam: Huh.[disappointed]

Waiter: Is there a problem.

Pam: No, no. There’s no problem. Its just that this looks pretty normal.

Boyfriend: Yeah, this just looks like a regular plate of spaghetti and meatballs. I mean, I was kind of expecting something cooler.

Waiter: Look closer.

Boyfriend: I don’t see any—wait a second. Now I, nowI see![Close up on the plate of spaghetti the twomeatballs have dark shades on and are dancing to coolelectronic music] Oh, wow! Look at that! It really is cool!

Pam: Those are the coolest meatballs I’ve ever seen!

Boyfriend: I know! They’re wearing sunglasses. That is so cool!

[Smoke rises from Pam boyfriend’s plate]

Pam: Uh-oh, it looks like your meatballs are smoking.

Boyfriend: Oh, yeah.

Pam: No, I mean, they are actually smoking!

[Close up on the cool meatballs. They smoke theircigarettes without a care in the world]

Boyfriend: I didn’t think you could smoke in this restaurant.

Pam: Oh man, these meatballs don’t care. They’re so rebellious!

Boyfriend: I know! I don’t even know if I want to eatthem or ask them to make me a mix tape!

Pam: You know, I’m actually getting really hungry. Ithink I’m going to have to start eating at some point.

Boyfriend: Yeah, I guess we really should eat.

Pam: Hey, where did my chicken parm go?

Boyfriend: I think I found it.

[Close up reveals that the cool Chicken Parmesan havejoined the cool Meatballs. Cool Meatball 1 plays thekeyboard guitar, Cool Meatball 2 plays the saxophone.Cool Chicken Parmesan plays the tambourine]

Pam: Well, this is just getting ridiculous.

Boyfriend: Yeah, ridiculously cool!!

Pam: I guess but what am I supposed to eat?

Boyfriend: You know, just have one of my meatballs. I have two.

Pam: Are you sure?

Boyfriend: Yeah, do it. The little guys have to eaten.I mean, we have to eat, right?

Pam: Right, ok, here I go.

[Close-up on plate, big fork impales the Cool Meatball2 on the side. Cool Meatball 2 with the sax screams inhorror and pain. Cool Meatball 1 and Cool ChickenParmesan are terrified]

Cool Meatball 2: Nooo!!!!

Cool Meatball 1: Aaaaahhh!!!!

Cool Chicken Parmesan: Oh, God!!!

[Pam eats the meatball and pulls out of her mouth a tiny saxophone]

Pam: Oh, look! A little saxophone! How cute!

Boyfriend: Man, this food is the coolest!

Pam: I know. I hope they’re not too upset about losing their friend.

[Cool Meatball 1 and Cool Chicken Parmesan are bummedout but they start dancing to the cool electronic music]

Boyfriend: They’re ok.

Pam: Oh, good.

Boyfriend: Hey, you know what we should do?

Pam: What’s that?

Boyfriend: We should stop doing mushrooms and going to restaurants.

Pam: Why?

[Close-up on Cool Meatball 1 and Cool Chicken Parmesan dancing] [cheers and applause] [scene fades]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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