SNL Transcripts: Jake Gyllenhaal: 01/13/07: Cool Restaurant

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 10

06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

Cool Restaurant

Pam….Kristen Wiig
Boyfriend….Jake Gyllenhaal
Waiter….Bill Hader
Cool Meatball 1….Fred Armisen
Cool Meatball 2….Andy Samberg
Cool Chicken Parmesan….Amy Poehler

[Opens with an outside shot of Juliano’s restaurant.Cut to inside, a young couple share a table]

Boyfriend: Wow, Pam I can’t believe we actually got reservations here.

Pam: This is supposed to be the coolest restaurant in the city.

Boyfriend: Yeah, and I even read that the food is cool.

Pam: What do you mean?

Boyfriend: You know, like, the food is supposed to be really cool.

Pam: Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever had cool food before.

Boyfriend: I know. Me neither.

[Waiter brings their plates.]

Waiter: For the lady our Chicken Parmesan and for yousir, the famous Spaghetti and Meatballs. Enjoy.

Pam: Huh.[disappointed]

Waiter: Is there a problem.

Pam: No, no. There’s no problem. Its just that this looks pretty normal.

Boyfriend: Yeah, this just looks like a regular plate of spaghetti and meatballs. I mean, I was kind of expecting something cooler.

Waiter: Look closer.

Boyfriend: I don’t see any—wait a second. Now I, nowI see![Close up on the plate of spaghetti the twomeatballs have dark shades on and are dancing to coolelectronic music] Oh, wow! Look at that! It really is cool!

Pam: Those are the coolest meatballs I’ve ever seen!

Boyfriend: I know! They’re wearing sunglasses. That is so cool!

[Smoke rises from Pam boyfriend’s plate]

Pam: Uh-oh, it looks like your meatballs are smoking.

Boyfriend: Oh, yeah.

Pam: No, I mean, they are actually smoking!

[Close up on the cool meatballs. They smoke theircigarettes without a care in the world]

Boyfriend: I didn’t think you could smoke in this restaurant.

Pam: Oh man, these meatballs don’t care. They’re so rebellious!

Boyfriend: I know! I don’t even know if I want to eatthem or ask them to make me a mix tape!

Pam: You know, I’m actually getting really hungry. Ithink I’m going to have to start eating at some point.

Boyfriend: Yeah, I guess we really should eat.

Pam: Hey, where did my chicken parm go?

Boyfriend: I think I found it.

[Close up reveals that the cool Chicken Parmesan havejoined the cool Meatballs. Cool Meatball 1 plays thekeyboard guitar, Cool Meatball 2 plays the saxophone.Cool Chicken Parmesan plays the tambourine]

Pam: Well, this is just getting ridiculous.

Boyfriend: Yeah, ridiculously cool!!

Pam: I guess but what am I supposed to eat?

Boyfriend: You know, just have one of my meatballs. I have two.

Pam: Are you sure?

Boyfriend: Yeah, do it. The little guys have to eaten.I mean, we have to eat, right?

Pam: Right, ok, here I go.

[Close-up on plate, big fork impales the Cool Meatball2 on the side. Cool Meatball 2 with the sax screams inhorror and pain. Cool Meatball 1 and Cool ChickenParmesan are terrified]

Cool Meatball 2: Nooo!!!!

Cool Meatball 1: Aaaaahhh!!!!

Cool Chicken Parmesan: Oh, God!!!

[Pam eats the meatball and pulls out of her mouth a tiny saxophone]

Pam: Oh, look! A little saxophone! How cute!

Boyfriend: Man, this food is the coolest!

Pam: I know. I hope they’re not too upset about losing their friend.

[Cool Meatball 1 and Cool Chicken Parmesan are bummedout but they start dancing to the cool electronic music]

Boyfriend: They’re ok.

Pam: Oh, good.

Boyfriend: Hey, you know what we should do?

Pam: What’s that?

Boyfriend: We should stop doing mushrooms and going to restaurants.

Pam: Why?

[Close-up on Cool Meatball 1 and Cool Chicken Parmesan dancing] [cheers and applause] [scene fades]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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