Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 10
Cool Meatball 1….Fred Armisen
Cool Meatball 2….Andy Samberg
Cool Chicken Parmesan….Amy Poehler
[Opens with an outside shot of Juliano’s restaurant.Cut to inside, a young couple share a table]
Boyfriend: Wow, Pam I can’t believe we actually got reservations here.
Pam: This is supposed to be the coolest restaurant in the city.
Boyfriend: Yeah, and I even read that the food is cool.
Pam: What do you mean?
Boyfriend: You know, like, the food is supposed to be really cool.
Pam: Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever had cool food before.
Boyfriend: I know. Me neither.[Waiter brings their plates.]
Waiter: For the lady our Chicken Parmesan and for yousir, the famous Spaghetti and Meatballs. Enjoy.
Waiter: Is there a problem.
Pam: No, no. There’s no problem. Its just that this looks pretty normal.
Boyfriend: Yeah, this just looks like a regular plate of spaghetti and meatballs. I mean, I was kind of expecting something cooler.
Waiter: Look closer.
Boyfriend: I don’t see any—wait a second. Now I, nowI see![Close up on the plate of spaghetti the twomeatballs have dark shades on and are dancing to coolelectronic music] Oh, wow! Look at that! It really is cool!
Pam: Those are the coolest meatballs I’ve ever seen!
Boyfriend: I know! They’re wearing sunglasses. That is so cool![Smoke rises from Pam boyfriend’s plate]
Pam: Uh-oh, it looks like your meatballs are smoking.
Boyfriend: Oh, yeah.
Pam: No, I mean, they are actually smoking![Close up on the cool meatballs. They smoke theircigarettes without a care in the world]
Boyfriend: I didn’t think you could smoke in this restaurant.
Pam: Oh man, these meatballs don’t care. They’re so rebellious!
Boyfriend: I know! I don’t even know if I want to eatthem or ask them to make me a mix tape!
Pam: You know, I’m actually getting really hungry. Ithink I’m going to have to start eating at some point.
Boyfriend: Yeah, I guess we really should eat.
Pam: Hey, where did my chicken parm go?
Boyfriend: I think I found it.[Close up reveals that the cool Chicken Parmesan havejoined the cool Meatballs. Cool Meatball 1 plays thekeyboard guitar, Cool Meatball 2 plays the saxophone.Cool Chicken Parmesan plays the tambourine]
Pam: Well, this is just getting ridiculous.
Boyfriend: Yeah, ridiculously cool!!
Pam: I guess but what am I supposed to eat?
Boyfriend: You know, just have one of my meatballs. I have two.
Pam: Are you sure?
Boyfriend: Yeah, do it. The little guys have to eaten.I mean, we have to eat, right?
Pam: Right, ok, here I go.[Close-up on plate, big fork impales the Cool Meatball2 on the side. Cool Meatball 2 with the sax screams inhorror and pain. Cool Meatball 1 and Cool ChickenParmesan are terrified]
Cool Meatball 2: Nooo!!!!
Cool Meatball 1: Aaaaahhh!!!!
Cool Chicken Parmesan: Oh, God!!![Pam eats the meatball and pulls out of her mouth a tiny saxophone]
Pam: Oh, look! A little saxophone! How cute!
Boyfriend: Man, this food is the coolest!
Pam: I know. I hope they’re not too upset about losing their friend.[Cool Meatball 1 and Cool Chicken Parmesan are bummedout but they start dancing to the cool electronic music]
Boyfriend: They’re ok.
Pam: Oh, good.
Boyfriend: Hey, you know what we should do?
Pam: What’s that?
Boyfriend: We should stop doing mushrooms and going to restaurants.
Pam: Why?[Close-up on Cool Meatball 1 and Cool Chicken Parmesan dancing] [cheers and applause] [scene fades]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel