SNL Transcripts: Jake Gyllenhaal: 01/13/07: Kaplan, Liebowitz & Dolemite


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 10

06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

Kaplan, Liebowitz & Dolemite

Lowell Kaplan…..Fred Armisen
Jeffrey Liebowitz…..Jake Gyllenhaal
Christopher Dolemite…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Kaplan, Liebowitz and Dolemite standing in front of bookcases filled with law books ]

Lowell Kaplan: It’s time that you found a law firm that cares!

Jeffrey Liebowitz: One that listens to you!

Christopher Dolemite: One that’s gonna break you off a settlement that’s sweet like bear meat!

[ cut to close-up of door to the trio’s law firm, their names underlined below an imprint of the scales of justice ]

Announcer: The lawyers at Kaplan, Liebowitz & Dolemite aren’t like those other big firms – they’re just like YOU!

[ dissolve to photo of Kaplan standing in front of his parents’ townhouse in the suburbs ]

Lowell Kaplan. The son of working class parents from Yonkers —

[ dissolve to photo of Liebowitz standing in front of a public high school ]

Jeffrey Liebowitz. Educated in public high school —

[ dissolve to black-and-white childhood photo of Dolemite with three sexy babes and his Grandfather Dolemite ]

And Christopher Dolemite. Grandson of pimp, street poet, and blaxploitation legend, Dolemite —

[ dissolve back to Kaplan, Liebowitz and Dolemite standing in front of bookcases ]

— are ready to take on your case.

Lowell Kaplan: You want experience? I have over eight years’ service in the New Jersey Municipal Court System!

Christopher Dolemite: I swammed across muddy rivers and ain’t never got wet! I borned an elephant and dared her the mother! I can look up a bull’s ass and tell you the price of butter!

Jeffrey Liebowitz: And I have a degree from Yale Law School.

Christopher Dolemite: Yeah! so light up a joint, take up a doobie, and screw your wig on tight! ‘Cause WE’S the Law Dawgs that BITE!

Jeffrey Liebowitz: Give us a call.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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