Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 10
Kaplan, Liebowitz & Dolemite
Lowell Kaplan…..Fred Armisen
Jeffrey Liebowitz…..Jake Gyllenhaal
Christopher Dolemite…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on Kaplan, Liebowitz and Dolemite standing in front of bookcases filled with law books ]
Lowell Kaplan: It’s time that you found a law firm that cares!
Jeffrey Liebowitz: One that listens to you!
Christopher Dolemite: One that’s gonna break you off a settlement that’s sweet like bear meat!
Announcer: The lawyers at Kaplan, Liebowitz & Dolemite aren’t like those other big firms – they’re just like YOU![ dissolve to photo of Kaplan standing in front of his parents’ townhouse in the suburbs ]
Lowell Kaplan. The son of working class parents from Yonkers —[ dissolve to photo of Liebowitz standing in front of a public high school ]
Jeffrey Liebowitz. Educated in public high school —[ dissolve to black-and-white childhood photo of Dolemite with three sexy babes and his Grandfather Dolemite ]
And Christopher Dolemite. Grandson of pimp, street poet, and blaxploitation legend, Dolemite —[ dissolve back to Kaplan, Liebowitz and Dolemite standing in front of bookcases ]
— are ready to take on your case.
Lowell Kaplan: You want experience? I have over eight years’ service in the New Jersey Municipal Court System!
Christopher Dolemite: I swammed across muddy rivers and ain’t never got wet! I borned an elephant and dared her the mother! I can look up a bull’s ass and tell you the price of butter!
Jeffrey Liebowitz: And I have a degree from Yale Law School.
Christopher Dolemite: Yeah! so light up a joint, take up a doobie, and screw your wig on tight! ‘Cause WE’S the Law Dawgs that BITE!
Jeffrey Liebowitz: Give us a call.[ fade ]