SNL Transcripts: Jake Gyllenhaal: 01/13/07: Kaplan, Liebowitz & Dolemite

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 10

06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

Kaplan, Liebowitz & Dolemite

Lowell Kaplan…..Fred Armisen
Jeffrey Liebowitz…..Jake Gyllenhaal
Christopher Dolemite…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Kaplan, Liebowitz and Dolemite standing in front of bookcases filled with law books ]

Lowell Kaplan: It’s time that you found a law firm that cares!

Jeffrey Liebowitz: One that listens to you!

Christopher Dolemite: One that’s gonna break you off a settlement that’s sweet like bear meat!

[ cut to close-up of door to the trio’s law firm, their names underlined below an imprint of the scales of justice ]

Announcer: The lawyers at Kaplan, Liebowitz & Dolemite aren’t like those other big firms – they’re just like YOU!

[ dissolve to photo of Kaplan standing in front of his parents’ townhouse in the suburbs ]

Lowell Kaplan. The son of working class parents from Yonkers —

[ dissolve to photo of Liebowitz standing in front of a public high school ]

Jeffrey Liebowitz. Educated in public high school —

[ dissolve to black-and-white childhood photo of Dolemite with three sexy babes and his Grandfather Dolemite ]

And Christopher Dolemite. Grandson of pimp, street poet, and blaxploitation legend, Dolemite —

[ dissolve back to Kaplan, Liebowitz and Dolemite standing in front of bookcases ]

— are ready to take on your case.

Lowell Kaplan: You want experience? I have over eight years’ service in the New Jersey Municipal Court System!

Christopher Dolemite: I swammed across muddy rivers and ain’t never got wet! I borned an elephant and dared her the mother! I can look up a bull’s ass and tell you the price of butter!

Jeffrey Liebowitz: And I have a degree from Yale Law School.

Christopher Dolemite: Yeah! so light up a joint, take up a doobie, and screw your wig on tight! ‘Cause WE’S the Law Dawgs that BITE!

Jeffrey Liebowitz: Give us a call.

[ fade ]

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