Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 10
06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins
Jake Gyllenhaals Monologue
…..Jake Gyllenhaal
Cowboy #1…..Will Forte
Cowboy #2…..Jason Sudeikis
Back-up Singer #1…..Maya Rudolph
Back-up Singer #2…..Amy Poehler
Back-up Singer #3…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, Jake Gyllenhaal!
(cheers and applause)
Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. Thank you so much! Thank you. It is so good to be here. Hosting SNL has always been a dream of mine, so when they called and asked, I said, I would love to host on one condition: no Brokeback Mountain jokes. They said, no problem and here I am.
Jake glances to the left of the front row audience.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Im sorry, uh
Two COWBOYS, one smiling in a silk scarf and one stoic, are watching Jake. The rest of the audience chuckles hard.
Jake Gyllenhaal: I, uh I dont mean to be rude, but, um, uh, can I ask you a question?
Cowboy #1: Absolutely.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Are you guys gay cowboys?
Cowboy #1: No sir.
Cowboy #2: Just regular cowboys.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Ok. Thanks.
Cowboy #1: Oh, one last thing
Jake Gyllenhaal: Yeah.
Cowboy #1: Have a great show.
Cowboy #2: Real big fans.
Cowboy #2 winks at Jake.
Jake Gyllenhaal: I have to say that movie meant a lot to me and doing it opened me up to a unique fan base. And their support was amazing. So if you dont mind, Id really like to do something special for them. You know something the fans of Brokeback would love to see me do. I would like to perform a song from the movie Dreamgirls.
The cowboys applaud and brim with much enthusiasm. Jake starts to don a wig similar to Jennifer Hudsons character Effie from Dreamgirls.
Jake Gyllenhaal: At this point, uh, Effies just been kicked out of the band, and uh, shes also been told shes pregnant.
Jake removes his suit to reveal a black, sparkling cocktail gown.
Jake Gyllenhaal: So, uh, to all of you out there, I say [singing]And I am telling you
Im not going.
Youre the best man Ill ever know.
Theres no way I can ever go,
No, no, no, no way
No, no, no, no way I’m living without you.
Oh, I’m not living without you,
Im not living without you
The cowboys are holding hands, cheerful, and swaying to the song.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]I dont want to be free
Jake makes his way to the cowboys, who grab him, and either caress his mouth or torso with their hands.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]Tear down the mountains,
Yell, scream and shout.
You can say what you want,
I’m not walking out.
Stop all the rivers
Jake moves onto the right side of the front row audience. The first two rows are filled with homosexual cowboys. Jake slaps the knees of all the cowboys in the first row.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]Push, strike, and kill.
I’m not going to leave you,
There’s no way I will
Jake returns to the center stage. Three BACK-UP SINGERS, all in red, sparkling, knee-length dresses and matching hairdos, are also on stage joining Jake in the torch song.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]No, no, no, no way,
No, no, no, no way I’m living without you.
Oh, I’m not living without you,
I’m not living without you.
I don’t want to be free.
I’m staying,
I’m staying,
And you, and you,
You’re going love me
The back-ups start swaying their backsides while curling up their fists. The two cowboys cant contain themselves.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]Yes, ah, ooh, ooh, love me,
Ooh, ooh, ooh, love me
The back-ups do a short, stomping routine and then tilt their heads down, joined side by side at the shoulders.
Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]Love me,
Love me,
Love me,
Love me.
You’re going love me.
The back-ups tilt their heads up and extend their right arms out.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you! We got a great show! The Shins are here. So stick around and well be right back!
(cheers and applause)
(fade)
Submitted by: Cody Downs
