SNL Transcripts: Jake Gyllenhaal: 01/13/07: Jake Gyllenhaal’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 10

06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

Jake Gyllenhaal’s Monologue

…..Jake Gyllenhaal
Cowboy #1…..Will Forte
Cowboy #2…..Jason Sudeikis
Back-up Singer #1…..Maya Rudolph
Back-up Singer #2…..Amy Poehler
Back-up Singer #3…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, Jake Gyllenhaal!

(cheers and applause)

Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. Thank you so much! Thank you. It is so good to be here. Hosting “SNL” has always been a dream of mine, so when they called and asked, I said, ‘I would love to host on one condition: no Brokeback Mountain jokes.’ They said, “no problem” and here I am.

Jake glances to the left of the front row audience.

Jake Gyllenhaal: I’m sorry, uh…

Two COWBOYS, one smiling in a silk scarf and one stoic, are watching Jake. The rest of the audience chuckles hard.

Jake Gyllenhaal: I, uh… I don’t mean to be rude, but, um, uh, can I ask you a question?

Cowboy #1: Absolutely.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Are you guys gay cowboys?

Cowboy #1: No sir.

Cowboy #2: Just regular cowboys.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Ok. Thanks.

Cowboy #1: Oh, one last thing…

Jake Gyllenhaal: Yeah.

Cowboy #1: Have a great show.

Cowboy #2: Real big fans.

Cowboy #2 winks at Jake.

Jake Gyllenhaal: I have to say that movie meant a lot to me and doing it opened me up to a unique fan base. And their support was amazing. So if you don’t mind, I’d really like to do something special for them. You know something the fans of Brokeback would love to see me do. I would like to perform a song from the movie Dreamgirls.

The cowboys applaud and brim with much enthusiasm. Jake starts to don a wig similar to Jennifer Hudson’s character Effie from Dreamgirls.

Jake Gyllenhaal: At this point, uh, Effie’s just been kicked out of the band, and uh, she’s also been told she’s pregnant.

Jake removes his suit to reveal a black, sparkling cocktail gown.

Jake Gyllenhaal: So, uh, to all of you out there, I say – [singing]“And I am telling you
I’m not going.
You’re the best man I’ll ever know.
There’s no way I can ever go,
No, no, no, no way
No, no, no, no way I’m living without you.
Oh, I’m not living without you,
I’m not living without you…”

The cowboys are holding hands, cheerful, and swaying to the song.

Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]“I don’t want to be free…”

Jake makes his way to the cowboys, who grab him, and either caress his mouth or torso with their hands.

Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]“Tear down the mountains,
Yell, scream and shout.
You can say what you want,
I’m not walking out.
Stop all the rivers…”

Jake moves onto the right side of the front row audience. The first two rows are filled with homosexual cowboys. Jake slaps the knees of all the cowboys in the first row.

Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]“Push, strike, and kill.
I’m not going to leave you,
There’s no way I will…”

Jake returns to the center stage. Three BACK-UP SINGERS, all in red, sparkling, knee-length dresses and matching hairdos, are also on stage joining Jake in the torch song.

Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]“No, no, no, no way,
No, no, no, no way I’m living without you.
Oh, I’m not living without you,
I’m not living without you.
I don’t want to be free.
I’m staying,
I’m staying,
And you, and you,
You’re going love me…”

The back-ups start swaying their backsides while curling up their fists. The two cowboys can’t contain themselves.

Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]“Yes, ah, ooh, ooh, love me,
Ooh, ooh, ooh, love me…”

The back-ups do a short, stomping routine and then tilt their heads down, joined side by side at the shoulders.

Jake Gyllenhaal: [singing]“Love me,
Love me,
Love me,
Love me.
You’re going love me.”

The back-ups tilt their heads up and extend their right arms out.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Thank you! We got a great show! The Shins are here. So stick around and we’ll be right back!

(cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Cody Downs

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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