SNL Transcripts: Jake Gyllenhaal: 01/13/07: Wheelchair Dates


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 10

06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

Wheelchair Dates

Jeff…..Jake Gyllenhaal
Anna…..Maya Rudolph
Rob…..Jason Sudeikis
Jamie…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on interior, party, Jeff and Anna standing at the center of the room as their friend, Rob, rolls forward in his wheelchair ]

Rob: Hey, uh – thanks again for inviting me tonight.

Jeff: We’re so glad you could make it, though, I have to admit, we have an ulterior motive.

Anna: Yeahhh! You’re single, right, Rob?

Rob: [sighs ] Is this some kind of set-up?

Anna: Ohh!

Jeff: You got us!

Anna: Look – I know these things are usually so obnoxious, but Jeff and I really think you and Jamie would hit it off.

Jeff: We think that you guys would find you have a lot in common.

Anna: Yeah. [ glances offscreen ] Hey, Jamie! Come over here!

[ Jamie enters the room, rolling up in a wheelchair off her own. She stops uncomfortably next to Rob’s wheelchair. ]

Anna: I knew it! Look how PERFECT they look together!

Jeff: A match made in Heaven!

Anna: We’ll leave you two alone – you probably have tons to talk about!

Jeff: TONS!

Anna: See ya’!

[ Jeff and Anna attempt to leave Rob and Jamie together, but Jamie speaks up ]

Jamie: Uh – Anna?

Rob: Yeah. Hold on a second, guys.

[ Jeff and Anna peek back into the scene ]

Anna: What?

Jeff: You need a witness for the wedding or something? [ laughs ] I was just kidding! I was just kidding!

Rob: [ he and Jamie smile condescendingly ] Yeah. No. uh – what exactly did you think the two of us.. would have in common?

Jamie: Yeah, what specifically was it?

Jeff: Ohh.. so many things —

Anna: So many! [ chuckles ]

Jeff: For one, you’ve got GREAT personalities.

Anna: Oh! SUCH great personalities!

Jeff: Yeah. Uh – your noble spirits.

Anna: Oh! SO noble.

Jamie: And?

Jeff: And.. that’s about it. Your great personalities, noble spirits!

Anna: Oh, my God! Are you two noble!

Rob: You think.. maybe.. it might have something to do with the fact that we’re both in wheelchairs?

Anna: WHAT?!!

Jeff: NO!!!

Anna: WHAT?!!

Jeff: NO!!!

Anna: I would never — we would NEVER! We just thought you two would be perfect for each other! I mean, when I first met you, Rob, I immediately thought of Jamie!

Jeff: I still always think of Rob whenever I see Jamie!

Anna: It’s almost difficult to separate the two of you in my mind!

Jamie: Maybe because of the wheelchairs?

Anna: WHAT?!!

Jeff: NOOO!!!

Anna: Jamie! You know I don’t see you in that way! When people say, “Which one is Jamie again?”, I mention your brown hair and your beautiful, sparkly eyes – I never ONCE mentioned the wheelchair!

Jeff: [ with mock sincerity ] Dude! I didn’t even know you were in a wheelchair.

Rob: [ perturbed ] How could you not KNOW that?!

Jeff: Well, forgive me for seeing people, and not.. [ struggling for the least offensive word ] disabilities!

Anna: Ah – handicaps.

Together: Han-di-cap-i-bil-i-ties!!

Anna: Look, we just thought you guys would hit it off, you know. Share common interests.

Jeff: Candlelit dinners, long walks on the b– [ realizes what he’s saying ]

Anna: Jeff.

Jeff: I mean — just the dinners! And then, talking all night long. Lots of stationary talking, and sitting!

Anna: Just enjoying each others’ seated company.

Jeff: [ kneels to Rob’s side ] I LOVE sitting! And YOU love sitting, dude! Okay, listen to me – I call you “Dude”, because I jut consider you a regular guy!

Rob: [ annoyed ] I AM a regular guy!!

Anna: [ screams ] HOW DO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?!!

Jeff: [ jumps to his feet and grabs her shoulders ] ANNA!!

Anna: I’m sorry.. I got really into this..

Jamie: Guys, just – just stop. Look, I-I appreciate the effort, but.. I think I’m just gonna go get a drink.

Rob: Yeah. I’ll go with you. [ they wheel themselves away from Jeff and Anna ] So, where’d you get your chair?

Jamie: The hospital.

Rob: [ excited ] Me, too!

Jamie: Oh, you so get me!

[ they laugh as they wheel out of frame ] [ Jeff and Anna are visibly pleased by this outcome ]

Anna: Honey, I think that went really well!

Jeff: Me, too!

[ they hug ] [ zoom out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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