Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 10
06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins
[ open on interior, party, Jeff and Anna standing at the center of the room as their friend, Rob, rolls forward in his wheelchair ]
Rob: Hey, uh – thanks again for inviting me tonight.
Jeff: We’re so glad you could make it, though, I have to admit, we have an ulterior motive.
Anna: Yeahhh! You’re single, right, Rob?
Rob: [sighs ] Is this some kind of set-up?
Jeff: You got us!
Anna: Look – I know these things are usually so obnoxious, but Jeff and I really think you and Jamie would hit it off.
Jeff: We think that you guys would find you have a lot in common.
Anna: Yeah. [ glances offscreen ] Hey, Jamie! Come over here!
Anna: I knew it! Look how PERFECT they look together!
Jeff: A match made in Heaven!
Anna: We’ll leave you two alone – you probably have tons to talk about!
Anna: See ya’![ Jeff and Anna attempt to leave Rob and Jamie together, but Jamie speaks up ]
Jamie: Uh – Anna?
Rob: Yeah. Hold on a second, guys.[ Jeff and Anna peek back into the scene ]
Jeff: You need a witness for the wedding or something? [ laughs ] I was just kidding! I was just kidding!
Rob: [ he and Jamie smile condescendingly ] Yeah. No. uh – what exactly did you think the two of us.. would have in common?
Jamie: Yeah, what specifically was it?
Jeff: Ohh.. so many things —
Anna: So many! [ chuckles ]
Jeff: For one, you’ve got GREAT personalities.
Anna: Oh! SUCH great personalities!
Jeff: Yeah. Uh – your noble spirits.
Anna: Oh! SO noble.
Jeff: And.. that’s about it. Your great personalities, noble spirits!
Anna: Oh, my God! Are you two noble!
Rob: You think.. maybe.. it might have something to do with the fact that we’re both in wheelchairs?
Anna: I would never — we would NEVER! We just thought you two would be perfect for each other! I mean, when I first met you, Rob, I immediately thought of Jamie!
Jeff: I still always think of Rob whenever I see Jamie!
Anna: It’s almost difficult to separate the two of you in my mind!
Jamie: Maybe because of the wheelchairs?
Anna: Jamie! You know I don’t see you in that way! When people say, “Which one is Jamie again?”, I mention your brown hair and your beautiful, sparkly eyes – I never ONCE mentioned the wheelchair!
Jeff: [ with mock sincerity ] Dude! I didn’t even know you were in a wheelchair.
Rob: [ perturbed ] How could you not KNOW that?!
Jeff: Well, forgive me for seeing people, and not.. [ struggling for the least offensive word ] disabilities!
Anna: Ah – handicaps.
Anna: Look, we just thought you guys would hit it off, you know. Share common interests.
Jeff: Candlelit dinners, long walks on the b– [ realizes what he’s saying ]
Jeff: I mean — just the dinners! And then, talking all night long. Lots of stationary talking, and sitting!
Anna: Just enjoying each others’ seated company.
Jeff: [ kneels to Rob’s side ] I LOVE sitting! And YOU love sitting, dude! Okay, listen to me – I call you “Dude”, because I jut consider you a regular guy!
Rob: [ annoyed ] I AM a regular guy!!
Anna: [ screams ] HOW DO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?!!
Jeff: [ jumps to his feet and grabs her shoulders ] ANNA!!
Anna: I’m sorry.. I got really into this..
Jamie: Guys, just – just stop. Look, I-I appreciate the effort, but.. I think I’m just gonna go get a drink.
Rob: Yeah. I’ll go with you. [ they wheel themselves away from Jeff and Anna ] So, where’d you get your chair?
Jamie: The hospital.
Rob: [ excited ] Me, too!
Jamie: Oh, you so get me![ they laugh as they wheel out of frame ] [ Jeff and Anna are visibly pleased by this outcome ]
Anna: Honey, I think that went really well!
Jeff: Me, too![ they hug ] [ zoom out, fade ]