SNL Transcripts: Jake Gyllenhaal: 01/13/07: Wheelchair Dates

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 10

06j: Jake Gyllenhaal / The Shins

Wheelchair Dates

Jeff…..Jake Gyllenhaal
Anna…..Maya Rudolph
Rob…..Jason Sudeikis
Jamie…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on interior, party, Jeff and Anna standing at the center of the room as their friend, Rob, rolls forward in his wheelchair ]

Rob: Hey, uh – thanks again for inviting me tonight.

Jeff: We’re so glad you could make it, though, I have to admit, we have an ulterior motive.

Anna: Yeahhh! You’re single, right, Rob?

Rob: [sighs ] Is this some kind of set-up?

Anna: Ohh!

Jeff: You got us!

Anna: Look – I know these things are usually so obnoxious, but Jeff and I really think you and Jamie would hit it off.

Jeff: We think that you guys would find you have a lot in common.

Anna: Yeah. [ glances offscreen ] Hey, Jamie! Come over here!

[ Jamie enters the room, rolling up in a wheelchair off her own. She stops uncomfortably next to Rob’s wheelchair. ]

Anna: I knew it! Look how PERFECT they look together!

Jeff: A match made in Heaven!

Anna: We’ll leave you two alone – you probably have tons to talk about!

Jeff: TONS!

Anna: See ya’!

[ Jeff and Anna attempt to leave Rob and Jamie together, but Jamie speaks up ]

Jamie: Uh – Anna?

Rob: Yeah. Hold on a second, guys.

[ Jeff and Anna peek back into the scene ]

Anna: What?

Jeff: You need a witness for the wedding or something? [ laughs ] I was just kidding! I was just kidding!

Rob: [ he and Jamie smile condescendingly ] Yeah. No. uh – what exactly did you think the two of us.. would have in common?

Jamie: Yeah, what specifically was it?

Jeff: Ohh.. so many things —

Anna: So many! [ chuckles ]

Jeff: For one, you’ve got GREAT personalities.

Anna: Oh! SUCH great personalities!

Jeff: Yeah. Uh – your noble spirits.

Anna: Oh! SO noble.

Jamie: And?

Jeff: And.. that’s about it. Your great personalities, noble spirits!

Anna: Oh, my God! Are you two noble!

Rob: You think.. maybe.. it might have something to do with the fact that we’re both in wheelchairs?

Anna: WHAT?!!

Jeff: NO!!!

Anna: WHAT?!!

Jeff: NO!!!

Anna: I would never — we would NEVER! We just thought you two would be perfect for each other! I mean, when I first met you, Rob, I immediately thought of Jamie!

Jeff: I still always think of Rob whenever I see Jamie!

Anna: It’s almost difficult to separate the two of you in my mind!

Jamie: Maybe because of the wheelchairs?

Anna: WHAT?!!

Jeff: NOOO!!!

Anna: Jamie! You know I don’t see you in that way! When people say, “Which one is Jamie again?”, I mention your brown hair and your beautiful, sparkly eyes – I never ONCE mentioned the wheelchair!

Jeff: [ with mock sincerity ] Dude! I didn’t even know you were in a wheelchair.

Rob: [ perturbed ] How could you not KNOW that?!

Jeff: Well, forgive me for seeing people, and not.. [ struggling for the least offensive word ] disabilities!

Anna: Ah – handicaps.

Together: Han-di-cap-i-bil-i-ties!!

Anna: Look, we just thought you guys would hit it off, you know. Share common interests.

Jeff: Candlelit dinners, long walks on the b– [ realizes what he’s saying ]

Anna: Jeff.

Jeff: I mean — just the dinners! And then, talking all night long. Lots of stationary talking, and sitting!

Anna: Just enjoying each others’ seated company.

Jeff: [ kneels to Rob’s side ] I LOVE sitting! And YOU love sitting, dude! Okay, listen to me – I call you “Dude”, because I jut consider you a regular guy!

Rob: [ annoyed ] I AM a regular guy!!

Anna: [ screams ] HOW DO YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM?!!

Jeff: [ jumps to his feet and grabs her shoulders ] ANNA!!

Anna: I’m sorry.. I got really into this..

Jamie: Guys, just – just stop. Look, I-I appreciate the effort, but.. I think I’m just gonna go get a drink.

Rob: Yeah. I’ll go with you. [ they wheel themselves away from Jeff and Anna ] So, where’d you get your chair?

Jamie: The hospital.

Rob: [ excited ] Me, too!

Jamie: Oh, you so get me!

[ they laugh as they wheel out of frame ] [ Jeff and Anna are visibly pleased by this outcome ]

Anna: Honey, I think that went really well!

Jeff: Me, too!

[ they hug ] [ zoom out, fade ]

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