Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 11
Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency
Agent…..Jeremy Piven
Denise…..Amy Poehler
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen wiig
[FADE IN on a slide which looks like workout dumbbells with title captions on it.]
Announcer: [cheerfully] And now.. Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency.
[ open on interior, adoption office. Agent sits behind desk shuffling through a file folder, a framed painting of a rabbit on the wall behind him. ]
Agent: Denise!
Denise: Yes, Doctor?
Agent: Could you send in the next couple, please?
Denise: Yes, Doctor.
Agent: Uh, Denise – I’m not a doctor.
Denise: [ smiles ] I forgot again! I’m sorry.
Agent: Send them in.
[ the 2 A-Holes enter, as the crowd cheers ]
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we want to adopt a kid – what kinds you got?
Agent: Uhhh, all kinds.
Female A-Hole: Where do you keep the little babies?
Male A-Hole: Yeah. Where’s your – where’s your showroom?
Agent: Uh – uh, w-we don’t have a showroom. W-we’re an adoption agency.
Male A-Hole: So, what, then? we just pick out of a catalog?
Agent: Why don’t we have a seat?
Male A-Hole: Alright. Let’s do this. [ they all sit ] Yuo guys take Visa, right? [ Piven loses his place ] Hmm?
Agent: Uh – no. No, that’s not how it works.
Male A-Hole: Oh, I got it. Alright – it’s all cash. That’s smart! [ to Female A-Hole ] Bring enough cash, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we got cash.
Agent: Uh – again, that’s not really how it works. Adoption can be really complicated.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, like Su-do-KU!
Agent: No.
Male A-Hole: Like the second season of “Lost.”
Agent: No!
Female A-Hole: Like escalators?
Agent: [ frustrated ] Uh – so why adoption?
Male A-Hole: I love the movie “Annie.”
Male A-Hole: You ever heard of Little Orphan Annie?
Agent: Yes. I know it.
Male A-Hole: Mmm. Yeah, it’s an old comic strip. Annie had no eyeballs. [ smirks at Female A-Hole ] Then they had the movie version – guess what? [ makes smacking soudn with his mouth, points to his eyes ] She had eyeballs!
Agent: And your point is?
Female A-Hole: We want a baby with eyeballs.
Agent: Okay, eyeballs – check. You know, um, adopting a child is a big responsibility, okay? Are – are you guys, um – have you thought this through?
[ Male & Female A-Hole stare blankly at him ]
Agent: [ more frustrated ] Hell-ooooo?!!
[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him, as the desk phone rings ]
Agent: I-I’m sorry. I have to take this. Do you mind?
[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him ]
Agent: I’m just gonna — I’ll just — you know — it’ll be a second, okay?
[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him ]
Agent: [ finally answers the phone ] Hello! Hi, hi. What did the doctor say, honey?
Female A-Hole: [ suddenly ] How many babies work here?
Male A-Hole: You work OUT?!
Agent: Uh, uh, I’m s-sorry, I can’t hear you. [ gestures to the Two A-Holes ] Shh.
Female A-Hole: What are diapers for, again?
Male A-Hole: You lift?
Agent: Uh – uh – I can’t actually — hold on!
Female A-Hole: Did you watch the Golden Globes?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, what do you SQUAT?!
Agent: Uh – uh —
Female A-Hole: Can babies chew gum?
Male A-Hole: Like, what’s your body fat percentage?
Agent: I’m sorry – could you hold – hold on for a moment —
Female A-Hole: When does the baby get delivered?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, what’s your vertical? Can you give rim?
[ the Agent is now speechless ]
Female A-Hole: Can it be next week? We’re going out of town?
Male A-Hole: Yeah. Do you trim your pubes?
Agent: Hey, wait a minute, I’m sorry — I can’t —
Female A-Hole: Order me a burrito!
Agent: Okay, I can’t —
Male A-Hole: ??
Agent: I – I can’t hear you, Nan —
Female A-Hole: Do you spell “babies” with a – with a “Z”?
Agent: I – I —
Male A-Hole: Thirteen shakes!
Agent: Yeah, hold on, I’ll have to call you back! [ hangs up his phone ]
Male A-Hole: Thirteen shakes!
Agent: I’m sorry, you know what? That was very rude. Alright? Um – that was a very important call. I was waiting to hear the test results for my wife.
Female A-Hole: No way.
Male A-Hole: [ smirks ] Hmm.
Agent: [ flabbergasted ] What?! What did you — ? That’s not what she said — ?
Male A-Hole: [ points a thumb at Female A-Hole ] She was doing Borat. [ smiles back at her ] Babe, do Borat again.
Female A-Hole: [ with half an interest ] “Way way.”
Male A-Hole: [ pleased ] THat’s great, huh! She’s super hot, does a kick-ass Borat! Right, babe?
Female A-Hole: Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah?
Female A-Hole: Yeah!
Male A-Hole: Yeah!
Agent: YEAH!! You know what? Ha ha ha. I – I thin we’re actually done here.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re done, babe.
Agent: Yeah.
Female A-Hole: Yaaaaayyyyy!!
Male A-Hole: Give ‘im the picture, babe.
Female A-Hole: [ unfolds a piece of paper to reveal a picture of Gonzo from Muppet Babies ] We want our baby to look like this.
Agent: [ angry, he stands ] Get out!!
Male A-Hole: So, how do we get the baby – FedEx, right?
Agent: GET OUT!!
Female A-Hole: [ as they stand ] Where’s my burrito?
Agent: Can you please — can you get out? For the love of God, get out!
Female A-Hole: [ points behind desk ] That painting looks like a rabbit!
[ once again, show the painting of the rabbit behind the Agent’s desk ]
Agent: Not since the seventh grade have I wanted to hit two people so hard!
[ Male & Female A-Hole just stand staring at him, chewing their gum and nodding their heads ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: This has been.. Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency.
[ fade ]
