SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Piven: 01/20/07: Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 11

06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI

Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency

Agent…..Jeremy Piven
Denise…..Amy Poehler
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen wiig

[FADE IN on a slide which looks like workout dumbbells with title captions on it.]

Announcer: [cheerfully] And now.. Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency.

[ open on interior, adoption office. Agent sits behind desk shuffling through a file folder, a framed painting of a rabbit on the wall behind him. ]

Agent: Denise!

Denise: Yes, Doctor?

Agent: Could you send in the next couple, please?

Denise: Yes, Doctor.

Agent: Uh, Denise – I’m not a doctor.

Denise: [ smiles ] I forgot again! I’m sorry.

Agent: Send them in.

[ the 2 A-Holes enter, as the crowd cheers ]

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we want to adopt a kid – what kinds you got?

Agent: Uhhh, all kinds.

Female A-Hole: Where do you keep the little babies?

Male A-Hole: Yeah. Where’s your – where’s your showroom?

Agent: Uh – uh, w-we don’t have a showroom. W-we’re an adoption agency.

Male A-Hole: So, what, then? we just pick out of a catalog?

Agent: Why don’t we have a seat?

Male A-Hole: Alright. Let’s do this. [ they all sit ] Yuo guys take Visa, right? [ Piven loses his place ] Hmm?

Agent: Uh – no. No, that’s not how it works.

Male A-Hole: Oh, I got it. Alright – it’s all cash. That’s smart! [ to Female A-Hole ] Bring enough cash, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we got cash.

Agent: Uh – again, that’s not really how it works. Adoption can be really complicated.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, like Su-do-KU!

Agent: No.

Male A-Hole: Like the second season of “Lost.”

Agent: No!

Female A-Hole: Like escalators?

Agent: [ frustrated ] Uh – so why adoption?

Male A-Hole: I love the movie “Annie.”

Male A-Hole: You ever heard of Little Orphan Annie?

Agent: Yes. I know it.

Male A-Hole: Mmm. Yeah, it’s an old comic strip. Annie had no eyeballs. [ smirks at Female A-Hole ] Then they had the movie version – guess what? [ makes smacking soudn with his mouth, points to his eyes ] She had eyeballs!

Agent: And your point is?

Female A-Hole: We want a baby with eyeballs.

Agent: Okay, eyeballs – check. You know, um, adopting a child is a big responsibility, okay? Are – are you guys, um – have you thought this through?

[ Male & Female A-Hole stare blankly at him ]

Agent: [ more frustrated ] Hell-ooooo?!!

[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him, as the desk phone rings ]

Agent: I-I’m sorry. I have to take this. Do you mind?

[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him ]

Agent: I’m just gonna — I’ll just — you know — it’ll be a second, okay?

[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him ]

Agent: [ finally answers the phone ] Hello! Hi, hi. What did the doctor say, honey?

Female A-Hole: [ suddenly ] How many babies work here?

Male A-Hole: You work OUT?!

Agent: Uh, uh, I’m s-sorry, I can’t hear you. [ gestures to the Two A-Holes ] Shh.

Female A-Hole: What are diapers for, again?

Male A-Hole: You lift?

Agent: Uh – uh – I can’t actually — hold on!

Female A-Hole: Did you watch the Golden Globes?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, what do you SQUAT?!

Agent: Uh – uh —

Female A-Hole: Can babies chew gum?

Male A-Hole: Like, what’s your body fat percentage?

Agent: I’m sorry – could you hold – hold on for a moment —

Female A-Hole: When does the baby get delivered?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, what’s your vertical? Can you give rim?

[ the Agent is now speechless ]

Female A-Hole: Can it be next week? We’re going out of town?

Male A-Hole: Yeah. Do you trim your pubes?

Agent: Hey, wait a minute, I’m sorry — I can’t —

Female A-Hole: Order me a burrito!

Agent: Okay, I can’t —

Male A-Hole: ??

Agent: I – I can’t hear you, Nan —

Female A-Hole: Do you spell “babies” with a – with a “Z”?

Agent: I – I —

Male A-Hole: Thirteen shakes!

Agent: Yeah, hold on, I’ll have to call you back! [ hangs up his phone ]

Male A-Hole: Thirteen shakes!

Agent: I’m sorry, you know what? That was very rude. Alright? Um – that was a very important call. I was waiting to hear the test results for my wife.

Female A-Hole: No way.

Male A-Hole: [ smirks ] Hmm.

Agent: [ flabbergasted ] What?! What did you — ? That’s not what she said — ?

Male A-Hole: [ points a thumb at Female A-Hole ] She was doing Borat. [ smiles back at her ] Babe, do Borat again.

Female A-Hole: [ with half an interest ] “Way way.”

Male A-Hole: [ pleased ] THat’s great, huh! She’s super hot, does a kick-ass Borat! Right, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah?

Female A-Hole: Yeah!

Male A-Hole: Yeah!

Agent: YEAH!! You know what? Ha ha ha. I – I thin we’re actually done here.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re done, babe.

Agent: Yeah.

Female A-Hole: Yaaaaayyyyy!!

Male A-Hole: Give ‘im the picture, babe.

Female A-Hole: [ unfolds a piece of paper to reveal a picture of Gonzo from Muppet Babies ] We want our baby to look like this.

Agent: [ angry, he stands ] Get out!!

Male A-Hole: So, how do we get the baby – FedEx, right?

Agent: GET OUT!!

Female A-Hole: [ as they stand ] Where’s my burrito?

Agent: Can you please — can you get out? For the love of God, get out!

Female A-Hole: [ points behind desk ] That painting looks like a rabbit!

[ once again, show the painting of the rabbit behind the Agent’s desk ]

Agent: Not since the seventh grade have I wanted to hit two people so hard!

[ Male & Female A-Hole just stand staring at him, chewing their gum and nodding their heads ] [ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been.. Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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