SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Piven: 01/20/07: Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 11

06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI

Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency

Agent…..Jeremy Piven
Denise…..Amy Poehler
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen wiig

[FADE IN on a slide which looks like workout dumbbells with title captions on it.]

Announcer: [cheerfully] And now.. Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency.

[ open on interior, adoption office. Agent sits behind desk shuffling through a file folder, a framed painting of a rabbit on the wall behind him. ]

Agent: Denise!

Denise: Yes, Doctor?

Agent: Could you send in the next couple, please?

Denise: Yes, Doctor.

Agent: Uh, Denise – I’m not a doctor.

Denise: [ smiles ] I forgot again! I’m sorry.

Agent: Send them in.

[ the 2 A-Holes enter, as the crowd cheers ]

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we want to adopt a kid – what kinds you got?

Agent: Uhhh, all kinds.

Female A-Hole: Where do you keep the little babies?

Male A-Hole: Yeah. Where’s your – where’s your showroom?

Agent: Uh – uh, w-we don’t have a showroom. W-we’re an adoption agency.

Male A-Hole: So, what, then? we just pick out of a catalog?

Agent: Why don’t we have a seat?

Male A-Hole: Alright. Let’s do this. [ they all sit ] Yuo guys take Visa, right? [ Piven loses his place ] Hmm?

Agent: Uh – no. No, that’s not how it works.

Male A-Hole: Oh, I got it. Alright – it’s all cash. That’s smart! [ to Female A-Hole ] Bring enough cash, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ annoyed ] Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we got cash.

Agent: Uh – again, that’s not really how it works. Adoption can be really complicated.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, like Su-do-KU!

Agent: No.

Male A-Hole: Like the second season of “Lost.”

Agent: No!

Female A-Hole: Like escalators?

Agent: [ frustrated ] Uh – so why adoption?

Male A-Hole: I love the movie “Annie.”

Male A-Hole: You ever heard of Little Orphan Annie?

Agent: Yes. I know it.

Male A-Hole: Mmm. Yeah, it’s an old comic strip. Annie had no eyeballs. [ smirks at Female A-Hole ] Then they had the movie version – guess what? [ makes smacking soudn with his mouth, points to his eyes ] She had eyeballs!

Agent: And your point is?

Female A-Hole: We want a baby with eyeballs.

Agent: Okay, eyeballs – check. You know, um, adopting a child is a big responsibility, okay? Are – are you guys, um – have you thought this through?

[ Male & Female A-Hole stare blankly at him ]

Agent: [ more frustrated ] Hell-ooooo?!!

[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him, as the desk phone rings ]

Agent: I-I’m sorry. I have to take this. Do you mind?

[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him ]

Agent: I’m just gonna — I’ll just — you know — it’ll be a second, okay?

[ Male & Female A-Hole continue to stare blankly at him ]

Agent: [ finally answers the phone ] Hello! Hi, hi. What did the doctor say, honey?

Female A-Hole: [ suddenly ] How many babies work here?

Male A-Hole: You work OUT?!

Agent: Uh, uh, I’m s-sorry, I can’t hear you. [ gestures to the Two A-Holes ] Shh.

Female A-Hole: What are diapers for, again?

Male A-Hole: You lift?

Agent: Uh – uh – I can’t actually — hold on!

Female A-Hole: Did you watch the Golden Globes?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, what do you SQUAT?!

Agent: Uh – uh —

Female A-Hole: Can babies chew gum?

Male A-Hole: Like, what’s your body fat percentage?

Agent: I’m sorry – could you hold – hold on for a moment —

Female A-Hole: When does the baby get delivered?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, what’s your vertical? Can you give rim?

[ the Agent is now speechless ]

Female A-Hole: Can it be next week? We’re going out of town?

Male A-Hole: Yeah. Do you trim your pubes?

Agent: Hey, wait a minute, I’m sorry — I can’t —

Female A-Hole: Order me a burrito!

Agent: Okay, I can’t —

Male A-Hole: ??

Agent: I – I can’t hear you, Nan —

Female A-Hole: Do you spell “babies” with a – with a “Z”?

Agent: I – I —

Male A-Hole: Thirteen shakes!

Agent: Yeah, hold on, I’ll have to call you back! [ hangs up his phone ]

Male A-Hole: Thirteen shakes!

Agent: I’m sorry, you know what? That was very rude. Alright? Um – that was a very important call. I was waiting to hear the test results for my wife.

Female A-Hole: No way.

Male A-Hole: [ smirks ] Hmm.

Agent: [ flabbergasted ] What?! What did you — ? That’s not what she said — ?

Male A-Hole: [ points a thumb at Female A-Hole ] She was doing Borat. [ smiles back at her ] Babe, do Borat again.

Female A-Hole: [ with half an interest ] “Way way.”

Male A-Hole: [ pleased ] THat’s great, huh! She’s super hot, does a kick-ass Borat! Right, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah?

Female A-Hole: Yeah!

Male A-Hole: Yeah!

Agent: YEAH!! You know what? Ha ha ha. I – I thin we’re actually done here.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re done, babe.

Agent: Yeah.

Female A-Hole: Yaaaaayyyyy!!

Male A-Hole: Give ‘im the picture, babe.

Female A-Hole: [ unfolds a piece of paper to reveal a picture of Gonzo from Muppet Babies ] We want our baby to look like this.

Agent: [ angry, he stands ] Get out!!

Male A-Hole: So, how do we get the baby – FedEx, right?

Agent: GET OUT!!

Female A-Hole: [ as they stand ] Where’s my burrito?

Agent: Can you please — can you get out? For the love of God, get out!

Female A-Hole: [ points behind desk ] That painting looks like a rabbit!

[ once again, show the painting of the rabbit behind the Agent’s desk ]

Agent: Not since the seventh grade have I wanted to hit two people so hard!

[ Male & Female A-Hole just stand staring at him, chewing their gum and nodding their heads ] [ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been.. Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency.

[ fade ]

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