Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 11
Common & Blizzard Man
DJ .Kenan Thompson
Terry .Jeremy Piven
Blizzard Man .Andy Samberg
[Opens with a sign at a venue reading PLAYING TONIGHT: COMMON.]
Terry: Common, my man! There he is! Listen, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news. The bad news: John Legends not gonna make it. The good news? We got you a replacement.
Common: Yeah, who you got?
Terry: The Blizzard Man!
DJ: The Blizzard Man? Yo, I heard he all over Ludacris new album.
Terry: Yeah, well you know what? We got him!
Common: For real?
Terry: Yes. Yo, Bliz, come on out here![Blizzard Man enters]
Terry: There he is! Bliz, Bliz, Bliz! Bliz, Id like you to meet Common. Common, this is Bliz.
Common: How you doin man?
Blizzard Man: Chillin, chillin.[They shake hands.]
Common: [softly] Chillin.
Terry: Okay, Bliz. Why dont you get on that mic? Well do the song a few times, okay? Sound good?[Blizzard Man nods]
Terry: Lets hit it.
Common: [To Terry] Now Terry, you know you my man and all, but this cat is supposed to replace John Legend?
Terry: Trust me, he is amazing. You ready, Bliz?
Blizzard Man: No doubt.
Terry: Alright, alright, alright!! [To DJ] Drop that beat on him! [To Common] Check this out.[DJ plays a beat]
Blizzard Man: YEAH! YEAH! Yo! Check it out, yo! Turn up the monitors! YEAH! Check my style out!
Rap song! Ra-aap song!
We rock the crowd and they get real jazzed!
We look real sharp in our snazzy duds!
And then we drink a 40-oz bottle of beer! YO. [crosses arms]
Terry: Oh my GOD!! Oh my god! What did I tell you, was that amazing?
Common: Yo, man, I gotta be for real, man. I aint feelin that.
DJ: [emphatically] NO!
Terry: Are you kidding me?? Hold on, that was a tremendous performance!
Common: He wasnt even singing the right words.
Terry: Alright, okay, okay
Common: And that wasnt even the biggest problem.
Terry: Alright, lookit, I get it. Youre not diggin the freestyle. Im with that. Thats okay.
Common: Look, check this out, man. [hands Blizzard Man a sheet of paper.] Sing whats on the sheet, you got that?
Blizzard Man: [nods] Word up.
Terry: Yo. [To DJ] Alright, bring that beat back. Give that man a beat!
Blizzard Man: Yo! Yo! Y2K! Its the real ish! The uncut RAW! Check my style out!
Hey there, all the bros!
We are friends and were all in a gang!
We rap and sing and we jump around!
And the ladies show their butts and we all touch our ding-dongs!
Yo! Brooklyn, stand up! [crosses arms]
Terry: Oh! [puts hand on heart] PLEASE tell me someone was recording that!
DJ: Man, nobody was recording that.
Terry: Aw, are you kidding me? Thats a shame. Great lyrics, by the way, Common. That was amazing.
Common: Man, that wasnt my lyrics. Man, that dude is terrible! He like garbage.
Terry: Hes the future of music![Pan over to Blizzard Man, who is standing with his eyes half-closed and his mouth hanging open.]
DJ: Yo, I think he sleep!
Common: Hey, Terry Im tellin you, we got to agree to disagree on this one.
Terry: Okay, lookit, I know that youre resistant to change but just give him one more chance, okay? One more shot. He grows on you, alright?
Common: [hesitates] Aight, only cuz you my guy. You my man. But he better show me something this time.
Terry: Oh, hes gonna show you something, alright! [to DJ] Drop that beat! Bring it back! [claps]
Blizzard Man: Yo, yo, git the word out! Lets connect politic, ditto! Blizzard Man! Common! Doin the humpty dance!
DJ: Man, the humpty dance??
Blizzard Man: One time, for ya mind!
Check my style out!
Several times a day we rap, and that is talkin minimun!
We act real weird cuz were on POT!
Lets all veg out and check out the boob tube!
Hey, miss would you like to smooch?
I promise that Ill try my best!
And then Ill go on Arsenio and buy a tiger and rock the boat!
[Dances] Boop boop boodly boop boop ba doo! Boop boop boo doo doo doo ba doo!
Common: You know what? I see what you saying about this guy. And its giving me an idea.
Terry: [nodding] [The sign reading PLAYING TONIGHT: COMMON now has a banner hanging over it that says SHOW CANCELED.]
Submitted by: Sam Stahlnecker