SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Piven: 01/20/07: Lansford Brothers and Associates Hangmen-at-Law


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 11

06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI

Lansford Brothers and Associates Hangmen-at-Law

Lansford Brother 1…..Will Forte
Lansford Brother 2…..Bill Hader
Sammy Hangar…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on stock footage of Saddam Hussein being led to the gallows in Iraq ]

Announcer: Are you the leader of a fledgling democracy? Does this keep happening to you? Do your public executions typically end in embarrasment, decapitation, or worse?

[ dissolve to the Lansford Brothers standing in front of a hangman’s noose ]

Lansford Brother 1: It doesn’t have to be this way. Why not leave the hangin’ to the professionals at Lansford Brothers and Associates Hangmen-at-Law? For a hundred years now, we’ve been hangin’ cattle rustlers, trespassers, and people who answered “No” to the question: “You ain’t from around here, are you, son?” So I think we know a thing or two about the art of a Texas necktie party.

[ Lansford Brother 2 unrolls a tape measurer ]

Lansford Brother 1: As part of the Lansford Brothers promise, we will measure twice, and hang once. ‘Cause hangin’ is all about a long drop

Lansford Brother 2: — and a sudden stop!

Lansford Brother 1: No one wants an international war criminal hittin’ the bricks like a drunk bungee jumper at the county fair. Or worse — [ Lansford Brother 2 sticks a finger in his mouth to make a cork-popping sound effect ] Pop Goes the Weasel!

Lansford Brother 2: In this case, the weasel’s his head!

Lansford Brother 1: And, best of all, we won’t change any Shiite slogans.

Lansford Brother 2: We don’t know any Shiite slogans!

Lansford Brother 1: Never have, never will. Wouldn’t chant ’em, if we did. We’re the best there is! Don’t believe me? Why not take it from our corporate mascot, professional Sammy Hagar impersonator – Sammy Hangar.

[ cut to Sammy Hangar, standing in front of a neon hangman’s noose with a secodn hangman’s noose dangling from his guitar neck ]

Sammy Hangar: “I.. CAN.. HANG.. FIFTY-FIIIIIIIIVE!!!!” No Baath Party associates!!

[ cut back to the Lansford Brothers ]

Lansford Brother 1: So, next tme you find yourself sayin’:

Lansford Brother 2: “Need a rope?”

Lansford Brother 1: Why not get that rope from the true professinoals at Lansford Brothers & Associates Hangmen-at-Law? We know what we’re doin’!

[ quick zoom on the hangman’s noose ] [ title board falls down ]

Announcer: Lansford Brothers & Associates Hangmen-at-Law. A division of Halliburton.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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