SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Piven: 01/20/07: Lansford Brothers and Associates Hangmen-at-Law

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 11

06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI

Lansford Brothers and Associates Hangmen-at-Law

Lansford Brother 1…..Will Forte
Lansford Brother 2…..Bill Hader
Sammy Hangar…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on stock footage of Saddam Hussein being led to the gallows in Iraq ]

Announcer: Are you the leader of a fledgling democracy? Does this keep happening to you? Do your public executions typically end in embarrasment, decapitation, or worse?

[ dissolve to the Lansford Brothers standing in front of a hangman’s noose ]

Lansford Brother 1: It doesn’t have to be this way. Why not leave the hangin’ to the professionals at Lansford Brothers and Associates Hangmen-at-Law? For a hundred years now, we’ve been hangin’ cattle rustlers, trespassers, and people who answered “No” to the question: “You ain’t from around here, are you, son?” So I think we know a thing or two about the art of a Texas necktie party.

[ Lansford Brother 2 unrolls a tape measurer ]

Lansford Brother 1: As part of the Lansford Brothers promise, we will measure twice, and hang once. ‘Cause hangin’ is all about a long drop

Lansford Brother 2: — and a sudden stop!

Lansford Brother 1: No one wants an international war criminal hittin’ the bricks like a drunk bungee jumper at the county fair. Or worse — [ Lansford Brother 2 sticks a finger in his mouth to make a cork-popping sound effect ] Pop Goes the Weasel!

Lansford Brother 2: In this case, the weasel’s his head!

Lansford Brother 1: And, best of all, we won’t change any Shiite slogans.

Lansford Brother 2: We don’t know any Shiite slogans!

Lansford Brother 1: Never have, never will. Wouldn’t chant ’em, if we did. We’re the best there is! Don’t believe me? Why not take it from our corporate mascot, professional Sammy Hagar impersonator – Sammy Hangar.

[ cut to Sammy Hangar, standing in front of a neon hangman’s noose with a secodn hangman’s noose dangling from his guitar neck ]

Sammy Hangar: “I.. CAN.. HANG.. FIFTY-FIIIIIIIIVE!!!!” No Baath Party associates!!

[ cut back to the Lansford Brothers ]

Lansford Brother 1: So, next tme you find yourself sayin’:

Lansford Brother 2: “Need a rope?”

Lansford Brother 1: Why not get that rope from the true professinoals at Lansford Brothers & Associates Hangmen-at-Law? We know what we’re doin’!

[ quick zoom on the hangman’s noose ] [ title board falls down ]

Announcer: Lansford Brothers & Associates Hangmen-at-Law. A division of Halliburton.

[ fade ]

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