SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Piven: 01/20/07: MacGruber

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 11





06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI

MacGruber

Jojo…..Jeremy Piven
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
MacGruber…..Will Forte

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!

[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a run-down, graffiti-covered building. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Factory.” CUT to a sign marked “Factory Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Jojo: [struggling with locked door] Dammit, we’re trapped!

Casey: That bomb is set to detonate in 20 seconds! What’ll we do, MacGruber?

MacGruber: [intensely] Everybody stay calm! We’re gonna make it outta here! Just do exactly as I say! Casey, hand me that paper clip!

Casey: You got it! [hands it to him]

MacGruber: Jojo, grab that twine!

Jojo: I’m on it!

MacGruber: Casey! Gum wrapper!

Casey: Right here!

MacGruber: Jojo! That dog turd!

Jojo: What?

MacGruber: The dog turd right by your foot.

[CUT briefly to a squishy dog dropping on the floor.]

Jojo: I’m not picking up that dog turd!

[MacGruber glances at him in disbelief.]

Casey: Ten seconds!

MacGruber: You heard her, Jojo! Give me the dog turd!

Jojo: No! Why do we need a dog turd?

MacGruber: That’s my business! Now pick up the dog turd!

Casey: Just give him the dog turd!

Jojo: You give him the dog turd!!

MacGruber: Yeah, Casey, give me the dog turd!

Casey: [staring at wristwatch] No, I can’t, I’m keeping count! Three seconds!

MacGruber: Fine! I’ll get the dog turd! I just hope I have enough time to–

[CUT to the factory exploding in flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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