SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Piven: 01/20/07: MacGruber

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 11

06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI


Jojo…..Jeremy Piven
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
MacGruber…..Will Forte

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!

[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a run-down, graffiti-covered building. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Factory.” CUT to a sign marked “Factory Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Jojo: [struggling with locked door] Dammit, we’re trapped!

Casey: That bomb is set to detonate in 20 seconds! What’ll we do, MacGruber?

MacGruber: [intensely] Everybody stay calm! We’re gonna make it outta here! Just do exactly as I say! Casey, hand me that paper clip!

Casey: You got it! [hands it to him]

MacGruber: Jojo, grab that twine!

Jojo: I’m on it!

MacGruber: Casey! Gum wrapper!

Casey: Right here!

MacGruber: Jojo! That dog turd!

Jojo: What?

MacGruber: The dog turd right by your foot.

[CUT briefly to a squishy dog dropping on the floor.]

Jojo: I’m not picking up that dog turd!

[MacGruber glances at him in disbelief.]

Casey: Ten seconds!

MacGruber: You heard her, Jojo! Give me the dog turd!

Jojo: No! Why do we need a dog turd?

MacGruber: That’s my business! Now pick up the dog turd!

Casey: Just give him the dog turd!

Jojo: You give him the dog turd!!

MacGruber: Yeah, Casey, give me the dog turd!

Casey: [staring at wristwatch] No, I can’t, I’m keeping count! Three seconds!

MacGruber: Fine! I’ll get the dog turd! I just hope I have enough time to–

[CUT to the factory exploding in flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

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