Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 11
MacGruber
Jojo…..Jeremy Piven
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
MacGruber…..Will Forte
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
MacGruber!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!
[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a run-down, graffiti-covered building. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Factory.” CUT to a sign marked “Factory Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Jojo: [struggling with locked door] Dammit, we’re trapped!
Casey: That bomb is set to detonate in 20 seconds! What’ll we do, MacGruber?
MacGruber: [intensely] Everybody stay calm! We’re gonna make it outta here! Just do exactly as I say! Casey, hand me that paper clip!
Casey: You got it! [hands it to him]
MacGruber: Jojo, grab that twine!
Jojo: I’m on it!
MacGruber: Casey! Gum wrapper!
Casey: Right here!
MacGruber: Jojo! That dog turd!
Jojo: What?
MacGruber: The dog turd right by your foot.
[CUT briefly to a squishy dog dropping on the floor.]
Jojo: I’m not picking up that dog turd!
[MacGruber glances at him in disbelief.]
Casey: Ten seconds!
MacGruber: You heard her, Jojo! Give me the dog turd!
Jojo: No! Why do we need a dog turd?
MacGruber: That’s my business! Now pick up the dog turd!
Casey: Just give him the dog turd!
Jojo: You give him the dog turd!!
MacGruber: Yeah, Casey, give me the dog turd!
Casey: [staring at wristwatch] No, I can’t, I’m keeping count! Three seconds!
MacGruber: Fine! I’ll get the dog turd! I just hope I have enough time to–
[CUT to the factory exploding in flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean
