Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 11
[FADE IN on opening sequence.]
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![CUT to a huge concrete dam in a rocky canyon. SUPERIMPOSE, “Cedarville Dam.” CUT to a sign marked “Dam Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Jojo: [struggling with door] There’s no escape!!
Casey: More bad news, MacGruber. From the looks of that fuse, that dynamite is going to explode in 15 seconds!
MacGruber: If we don’t defuse this dynamite: it won’t just be our spirits that are dampened. It’ll be the whole town of Cedarville.
Jojo: What’ll we do, MacGruber?
Casey: [staring at wristwatch] Ten seconds!
MacGruber: Jojo! Toss me that paper cup![Jojo throws him a styrofoam cup.]
MacGruber: Casey! I need three pine needles!
Casey: You got it, Mac Daddy![She tosses over a small pine branch.]
MacGruber: Jojo! Round up all the pubic hair you can find!
MacGruber: Pubes!! I need a lot of them, and I need them now!
Jojo: Where am I supposed to find pubic hair in a dam control room?!
Casey: Five seconds!
MacGruber: Look, I would use my own, but I’m a shaver!
Casey: I am too–c’mon, Jojo, pony up! Three seconds!
Jojo: I’m not giving you my pubic hair!!
MacGruber: Dammit! Then I’ll come take it myself. I just hope I have enough time to manually extract–[CUT to the dam exploding and raining rubble and water into the canyon.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!![FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean