SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Piven: 01/20/07: MacGruber II


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 11

06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI

MacGruber II

Jojo…..Jeremy Piven
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
MacGruber…..Will Forte

[FADE IN on opening sequence.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!

[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a huge concrete dam in a rocky canyon. SUPERIMPOSE, “Cedarville Dam.” CUT to a sign marked “Dam Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Jojo: [struggling with door] There’s no escape!!

Casey: More bad news, MacGruber. From the looks of that fuse, that dynamite is going to explode in 15 seconds!

MacGruber: If we don’t defuse this dynamite: it won’t just be our spirits that are dampened. It’ll be the whole town of Cedarville.

Jojo: What’ll we do, MacGruber?

Casey: [staring at wristwatch] Ten seconds!

MacGruber: Jojo! Toss me that paper cup!

[Jojo throws him a styrofoam cup.]

MacGruber: Casey! I need three pine needles!

Casey: You got it, Mac Daddy!

[She tosses over a small pine branch.]

MacGruber: Jojo! Round up all the pubic hair you can find!

Jojo: What?!

MacGruber: Pubes!! I need a lot of them, and I need them now!

Jojo: Where am I supposed to find pubic hair in a dam control room?!

Casey: Five seconds!

MacGruber: Look, I would use my own, but I’m a shaver!

Casey: I am too–c’mon, Jojo, pony up! Three seconds!

Jojo: I’m not giving you my pubic hair!!

MacGruber: Dammit! Then I’ll come take it myself. I just hope I have enough time to manually extract–

[CUT to the dam exploding and raining rubble and water into the canyon.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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