SNL Transcripts: Jeremy Piven: 01/20/07: MacGruber II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 11

06k: Jeremy Piven / AFI

MacGruber II

Jojo…..Jeremy Piven
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
MacGruber…..Will Forte

[FADE IN on opening sequence.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
The guy’s a freakin’ genius!

[CUT to MacGruber in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a huge concrete dam in a rocky canyon. SUPERIMPOSE, “Cedarville Dam.” CUT to a sign marked “Dam Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Jojo: [struggling with door] There’s no escape!!

Casey: More bad news, MacGruber. From the looks of that fuse, that dynamite is going to explode in 15 seconds!

MacGruber: If we don’t defuse this dynamite: it won’t just be our spirits that are dampened. It’ll be the whole town of Cedarville.

Jojo: What’ll we do, MacGruber?

Casey: [staring at wristwatch] Ten seconds!

MacGruber: Jojo! Toss me that paper cup!

[Jojo throws him a styrofoam cup.]

MacGruber: Casey! I need three pine needles!

Casey: You got it, Mac Daddy!

[She tosses over a small pine branch.]

MacGruber: Jojo! Round up all the pubic hair you can find!

Jojo: What?!

MacGruber: Pubes!! I need a lot of them, and I need them now!

Jojo: Where am I supposed to find pubic hair in a dam control room?!

Casey: Five seconds!

MacGruber: Look, I would use my own, but I’m a shaver!

Casey: I am too–c’mon, Jojo, pony up! Three seconds!

Jojo: I’m not giving you my pubic hair!!

MacGruber: Dammit! Then I’ll come take it myself. I just hope I have enough time to manually extract–

[CUT to the dam exploding and raining rubble and water into the canyon.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

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