Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
The Dakota Fanning Show
Dakota Fanning…..Amy Poehler
Daniel Radcliffe…..Bill Hader
Abigail Breslin…..Drew Barrymore
Reggie V/O: And, now.. it’s “The Dakota Fanning Show!”[ Dakota steps onto the set, flanked by two oversized chairs ]
Dakota Fanning: [ waves childishly to the crowd ] Good evening! And welcome to “The Dakota Fanning Show,” the only forum for child actors to discuss cinema, theater, politics, philosophy, and the cultural zeitgeist-at-large! [ laughs ] Before we begin, did anyone catch Bill Mahar on Charlie Rose last night? Reggie?[ cut to Reggie, seated in front of the house band ]
Reggie: Uh.. no. I was watching “The Family Guy.”
Reggie: Uh – I-I-I don’t get it.
Dakota Fanning: It’s a very witty observation, perhaps the referenes are over your head![ Reggie scowls ]
Dakota Fanning: The incomparable Reggie Hudson, everybody!
Dakota Fanning: My first guest tonight is a promising young actor from across the Atlantic. Please welcome Mr. Daniel Radcliffe![ house band plays Daniel onto the set. Dakota shakes both his hands enthusiastically, then bounces onto her chair as Daniel sits down causally. ]
Dakota Fanning: Greetings to you, Daniel. Um – I understand you’re starring in the classic Peter Shaffer play, “Equus.” Such an important work! Tell me, Daniel – is this your first leading role?
Daniel Radcliffe: Uh – well, I was also in the Harry Potter movies.
Dakota Fanning: [ snickers ] I’m not familiar!
Daniel Radcliffe: It was based on a very popular series of, uh, children’s books?
Reggie: [ with great excitement and respect ] Man, I LOVE those books! I thought you were a GREAT Harry Potter!
Dakota Fanning: Yes. Reggie tends to prefer a lighter fare! [ laughs ] [ Reggie scowls once again ]
Daniel Radcliffe: You know, I think everyone has a soft spot, uh, for children’s books. I mean, after all, you did do “Cat in the Hat.”
Dakota Fanning: [ chuckles ] In my defense, when I read that script I saw it as a metaphor for ethnic violence in central Africa! [ shakes head and smiles ] But, apparently, it was about a cat in a hat! [ laughs ] Speaking of books, have you read the new Pynchon?
Daniel Radcliffe: [ shakes his head ] N-no?
Dakota Fanning: You know, I never thought I would agree with Michiko Kakutani, but I really don’t think it’s his best work! [ Daniel offers no response ] Thomas Pynchon? Michiko Kakutani? Reggie? [ Reggie shrugs his shoulders ] I-if it’s not at the checkout counter at Wal-Mart, Reggie hasn’t read it! [ smiles ] [ Reggie scowls once more ]
Dakota Fanning: Daniel! Who are you reading these days?
Daniel Radcliffe: Mostly X-Men comics.
Dakota Fanning: [ turned off ] And that’s a WRAP!! BYE!! [waves him away ] [ Daniel shirks away ]
Dakota Fanning: My next guest was just nominated for an Academy Award! Isn’t that something! Please welcome, from “Little Miss Sunshine” – Little Miss Abigail Breslin!
Abigail Breslin: Hi, Dakota! [ laughs ]
Dakota Fanning: Hi![ they giggle playfully and repeatedly bounce onto their chairs ]
Abigail Breslin: Wow! This is so awesome!
Dakota Fanning: It is! It’s wonderful — it’s wonderful to have you here, Abigail! Congratulations on the award! [ snidely ] I’m so happy.. for you.
Abigail Breslin: I — I know! I can’t believe it! I’m nominated for an Oscar! Adn I’m only TEN years old!
Dakota Fanning: Ten years old – wow! That’s even younger than I thought. Oh, to be ten years old again! Those were heady days! [ laughs ] I was, of course, starring in a blockbuster called “War of the Worlds”, with the incomparable Tom Cruise.
Abigail Breslin: How old were you when you first got your nomination?
Dakota Fanning: [ frowns ] Me? W-well, you’d certainly would have though I’d been nominated several times. After all, I portrayed the daughter of a mentlaly-challenged individual in “I Am Sam”, and then the victim of a brutal kidnapping in “Man On Fire.”
Abigail Breslin: [ giggles ] I did a funny dance!
Dakota Fanning: Yes! That must have been very challenging. A friend of mine once told me, “It’s not about the award, it’s about honing your craft.” And that friend was Mr. Bob De Niro.
Abigail Breslin: Is that the guy from “Meet the Fockers”?
Dakota Fanning: [ snotty ] No, tht’s the guy from “Mean Streets.”
Abigail Breslin: You’re grumpy!
Dakota Fanning: sorry, I’m a little out of sorts. I didn’t have my post-Pilates nap.[ a woman steps forward with a juice box ]
Katherine: Here, Dakota – have some juice.
Dakota Fanning: [ takes a hearty sip ] That’s much better. Thank you, Katherine!
Katherine: You can just call me “Mom.”
Dakota Fanning: So, Abigail – what feature are you working on now?
Abigail Breslin: I play a doll that comes to life! And I’m about to do another movie weith a talking hamster!
Dakota Fanning: I get raped in my next movie. Anyway, we’ll take a break! When we return, we’ll discuss upcoming negotiatons in the Screen Actors Guild! Reggie, try to keep up!
Reggie: [ offended ] Hey, hey – WHAT?! Shut the hell up!
Dakota Fanning: We’ll be right back! [ blows a kiss to the audience ] Kiss![ title re-appears, fade ]