Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
The Dakota Fanning Show
Dakota Fanning…..Amy Poehler
Daniel Radcliffe…..Bill Hader
Abigail Breslin…..Drew Barrymore
[ camera pans over from Home Base to the adjacent set. Amy Poehler can be seen standing off to stage left made up as Dakota Fanning, as the title superimposes onto the screen over soft, jazzy music. ]
Reggie V/O: And, now.. it’s “The Dakota Fanning Show!”
[ Dakota steps onto the set, flanked by two oversized chairs ]
Dakota Fanning: [ waves childishly to the crowd ] Good evening! And welcome to “The Dakota Fanning Show,” the only forum for child actors to discuss cinema, theater, politics, philosophy, and the cultural zeitgeist-at-large! [ laughs ] Before we begin, did anyone catch Bill Mahar on Charlie Rose last night? Reggie?
[ cut to Reggie, seated in front of the house band ]
Reggie: Uh.. no. I was watching “The Family Guy.”
[ shakes her head ] Mmm. I’m not familiar. Anyway – Bill Mahar said – get this! – “Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis is The Beatles!” [ chuckles ]
Reggie: Uh – I-I-I don’t get it.
Dakota Fanning: It’s a very witty observation, perhaps the referenes are over your head!
[ Reggie scowls ]
Dakota Fanning: The incomparable Reggie Hudson, everybody!
[ Reggie and the band play a few light jazz notes, as Dakota smiles ]
Dakota Fanning: My first guest tonight is a promising young actor from across the Atlantic. Please welcome Mr. Daniel Radcliffe!
[ house band plays Daniel onto the set. Dakota shakes both his hands enthusiastically, then bounces onto her chair as Daniel sits down causally. ]
Dakota Fanning: Greetings to you, Daniel. Um – I understand you’re starring in the classic Peter Shaffer play, “Equus.” Such an important work! Tell me, Daniel – is this your first leading role?
Daniel Radcliffe: Uh – well, I was also in the Harry Potter movies.
Dakota Fanning: [ snickers ] I’m not familiar!
Daniel Radcliffe: It was based on a very popular series of, uh, children’s books?
Reggie: [ with great excitement and respect ] Man, I LOVE those books! I thought you were a GREAT Harry Potter!
Dakota Fanning: Yes. Reggie tends to prefer a lighter fare! [ laughs ]
[ Reggie scowls once again ]
Daniel Radcliffe: You know, I think everyone has a soft spot, uh, for children’s books. I mean, after all, you did do “Cat in the Hat.”
Dakota Fanning: [ chuckles ] In my defense, when I read that script I saw it as a metaphor for ethnic violence in central Africa! [ shakes head and smiles ] But, apparently, it was about a cat in a hat! [ laughs ] Speaking of books, have you read the new Pynchon?
Daniel Radcliffe: [ shakes his head ] N-no?
Dakota Fanning: You know, I never thought I would agree with Michiko Kakutani, but I really don’t think it’s his best work! [ Daniel offers no response ] Thomas Pynchon? Michiko Kakutani? Reggie? [ Reggie shrugs his shoulders ] I-if it’s not at the checkout counter at Wal-Mart, Reggie hasn’t read it! [ smiles ]
[ Reggie scowls once more ]
Dakota Fanning: Daniel! Who are you reading these days?
Daniel Radcliffe: Mostly X-Men comics.
Dakota Fanning: [ turned off ] And that’s a WRAP!! BYE!! [waves him away ]
[ Daniel shirks away ]
Dakota Fanning: My next guest was just nominated for an Academy Award! Isn’t that something! Please welcome, from “Little Miss Sunshine” – Little Miss Abigail Breslin!
[ house band plays the exciteable Abigail onto the set ]
Abigail Breslin: Hi, Dakota! [ laughs ]
Dakota Fanning: Hi!
[ they giggle playfully and repeatedly bounce onto their chairs ]
Abigail Breslin: Wow! This is so awesome!
Dakota Fanning: It is! It’s wonderful — it’s wonderful to have you here, Abigail! Congratulations on the award! [ snidely ] I’m so happy.. for you.
Abigail Breslin: I — I know! I can’t believe it! I’m nominated for an Oscar! Adn I’m only TEN years old!
Dakota Fanning: Ten years old – wow! That’s even younger than I thought. Oh, to be ten years old again! Those were heady days! [ laughs ] I was, of course, starring in a blockbuster called “War of the Worlds”, with the incomparable Tom Cruise.
Abigail Breslin: How old were you when you first got your nomination?
Dakota Fanning: [ frowns ] Me? W-well, you’d certainly would have though I’d been nominated several times. After all, I portrayed the daughter of a mentlaly-challenged individual in “I Am Sam”, and then the victim of a brutal kidnapping in “Man On Fire.”
Abigail Breslin: [ giggles ] I did a funny dance!
Dakota Fanning: Yes! That must have been very challenging. A friend of mine once told me, “It’s not about the award, it’s about honing your craft.” And that friend was Mr. Bob De Niro.
Abigail Breslin: Is that the guy from “Meet the Fockers”?
Dakota Fanning: [ snotty ] No, tht’s the guy from “Mean Streets.”
Abigail Breslin: You’re grumpy!
Dakota Fanning: sorry, I’m a little out of sorts. I didn’t have my post-Pilates nap.
[ a woman steps forward with a juice box ]
Katherine: Here, Dakota – have some juice.
Dakota Fanning: [ takes a hearty sip ] That’s much better. Thank you, Katherine!
Katherine: You can just call me “Mom.”
Dakota Fanning: So, Abigail – what feature are you working on now?
Abigail Breslin: I play a doll that comes to life! And I’m about to do another movie weith a talking hamster!
Dakota Fanning: I get raped in my next movie. Anyway, we’ll take a break! When we return, we’ll discuss upcoming negotiatons in the Screen Actors Guild! Reggie, try to keep up!
Reggie: [ offended ] Hey, hey – WHAT?! Shut the hell up!
Dakota Fanning: We’ll be right back! [ blows a kiss to the audience ] Kiss!
[ title re-appears, fade ]