SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/03/07: Firestarter Smoked Sausages


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Firestarter Smoked Sausages

Charlie McGee…..Drew Barrymore
Lonny San Fransisco…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on slow pan across hot dogs on a grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco V/O: [ singing ]“The tasty smell of saus-age
Grilled fresh for your family’s MOUTH!”

[ pan upward and rests on Charlie McGee standing over the grill ]

Charlie McGee: Hi! I’m Charlie McGee. But you probably know me better.. as Firestarter.

[ close-up movie footage of Charlie from “Firestarter” swoops over the scene ]

Charlie McGee: That was a long time ago, and now I’ve got something that I’m really excited about: [ holds up product ] Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!

[ dissolve to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
Cooked in fires, she starts, with her mi-ind!”

[ dissolve back to Charlie ]

Charlie McGee: When I was a kid, there was nothing I loved MORE than the smell of my mama’s home-cooked sausages. But, after she was killed by crazy, one-eyed assassin, John Raiford, and a team of rogue, government scientists, a lot of pretty crazy things happened. See, my parents had been using top-secret mental experiments back in the 60’s, which, in turn, gave me the ability to start fires with my mind. Anyway, the government wanted to murder my whole family. [ shrugs ] [ dissolve back to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Plumpin’ saus-ages in the smo-o-oke-house
Crammed FULL, of savory meats!”

[ dissolve back to Charlie ]

Charlie McGee: But, with the love and support of my husband and semi-professional song stylist, Lonny San Fransisco — [ Lonny steps forward, grinning wide ] I used my talents to start Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Slide the cas-ing through your moi-oist lips
A joint-less fin-ger, made of PORK!”

Charlie still doesn’t have a lot of control over her abilities. Case in point! [ holds up a hook arm and laughs ]

Charlie McGee: Sorry — [ attempts to comfort Lonny with a pat on that arm, but he finches away. ]

Lonny San Fransisco: Hey, hey!

[ singing ]“Feel the HOT grease in your whi-iskers
Chin SLICK, like a bald man’s head!”

Charlie McGee: We use the finest pork shoulder in EACH and EVERY Firestarter Sausage, and then slowly roast them over a mesquite wood fire — [ her hair suddenly rises in a burst of wind, and her face glows red ] that I start with my mind! [ she blows, as things return to normal ] They’re the SAUSIGIEST! [ smiles ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
‘Cause the government, screwed up, her bra-ain!”

[ points his hook over the grill ] Where there’s smoke, there’s fire!

[ Charlie stares at the grill, concentrates, as a big ball of flame jumps at Lonny ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ screams ] COME ON!!!

Charlie McGee: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

[ Lonny keeps his distance from Charlie ] [ product slide swops forward ]

Announcer: Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages. Smoked with fires she starts with her mind.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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