Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen
Firestarter Smoked Sausages
Charlie McGee…..Drew Barrymore
Lonny San Fransisco…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on slow pan across hot dogs on a grill ]
Lonny San Fransisco V/O: [ singing ]
“The tasty smell of saus-age
Grilled fresh for your family’s MOUTH!”
[ pan upward and rests on Charlie McGee standing over the grill ]
Charlie McGee: Hi! I’m Charlie McGee. But you probably know me better.. as Firestarter.
[ close-up movie footage of Charlie from “Firestarter” swoops over the scene ]
Charlie McGee: That was a long time ago, and now I’ve got something that I’m really excited about: [ holds up product ] Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!
[ dissolve to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]
Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
Cooked in fires, she starts, with her mi-ind!”
[ dissolve back to Charlie ]
Charlie McGee: When I was a kid, there was nothing I loved MORE than the smell of my mama’s home-cooked sausages. But, after she was killed by crazy, one-eyed assassin, John Raiford, and a team of rogue, government scientists, a lot of pretty crazy things happened. See, my parents had been using top-secret mental experiments back in the 60’s, which, in turn, gave me the ability to start fires with my mind. Anyway, the government wanted to murder my whole family. [ shrugs ]
[ dissolve back to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]
Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Plumpin’ saus-ages in the smo-o-oke-house
Crammed FULL, of savory meats!”
[ dissolve back to Charlie ]
Charlie McGee: But, with the love and support of my husband and semi-professional song stylist, Lonny San Fransisco — [ Lonny steps forward, grinning wide ] I used my talents to start Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!
Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Slide the cas-ing through your moi-oist lips
A joint-less fin-ger, made of PORK!”
Charlie still doesn’t have a lot of control over her abilities. Case in point! [ holds up a hook arm and laughs ]
Charlie McGee: Sorry — [ attempts to comfort Lonny with a pat on that arm, but he finches away. ]
Lonny San Fransisco: Hey, hey!
[ singing ]
“Feel the HOT grease in your whi-iskers
Chin SLICK, like a bald man’s head!”
Charlie McGee: We use the finest pork shoulder in EACH and EVERY Firestarter Sausage, and then slowly roast them over a mesquite wood fire — [ her hair suddenly rises in a burst of wind, and her face glows red ] that I start with my mind! [ she blows, as things return to normal ] They’re the SAUSIGIEST! [ smiles ]
Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]
“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
‘Cause the government, screwed up, her bra-ain!”
[ points his hook over the grill ] Where there’s smoke, there’s fire!
[ Charlie stares at the grill, concentrates, as a big ball of flame jumps at Lonny ]
Lonny San Fransisco: [ screams ] COME ON!!!
Charlie McGee: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
[ Lonny keeps his distance from Charlie ]
[ product slide swops forward ]
Announcer: Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages. Smoked with fires she starts with her mind.
[ fade ]
