SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/03/07: Firestarter Smoked Sausages

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Firestarter Smoked Sausages

Charlie McGee…..Drew Barrymore
Lonny San Fransisco…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on slow pan across hot dogs on a grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco V/O: [ singing ]“The tasty smell of saus-age
Grilled fresh for your family’s MOUTH!”

[ pan upward and rests on Charlie McGee standing over the grill ]

Charlie McGee: Hi! I’m Charlie McGee. But you probably know me better.. as Firestarter.

[ close-up movie footage of Charlie from “Firestarter” swoops over the scene ]

Charlie McGee: That was a long time ago, and now I’ve got something that I’m really excited about: [ holds up product ] Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!

[ dissolve to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
Cooked in fires, she starts, with her mi-ind!”

[ dissolve back to Charlie ]

Charlie McGee: When I was a kid, there was nothing I loved MORE than the smell of my mama’s home-cooked sausages. But, after she was killed by crazy, one-eyed assassin, John Raiford, and a team of rogue, government scientists, a lot of pretty crazy things happened. See, my parents had been using top-secret mental experiments back in the 60’s, which, in turn, gave me the ability to start fires with my mind. Anyway, the government wanted to murder my whole family. [ shrugs ] [ dissolve back to Loony standing in front of footage of sausages smoking on the grill ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Plumpin’ saus-ages in the smo-o-oke-house
Crammed FULL, of savory meats!”

[ dissolve back to Charlie ]

Charlie McGee: But, with the love and support of my husband and semi-professional song stylist, Lonny San Fransisco — [ Lonny steps forward, grinning wide ] I used my talents to start Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages!

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Slide the cas-ing through your moi-oist lips
A joint-less fin-ger, made of PORK!”

Charlie still doesn’t have a lot of control over her abilities. Case in point! [ holds up a hook arm and laughs ]

Charlie McGee: Sorry — [ attempts to comfort Lonny with a pat on that arm, but he finches away. ]

Lonny San Fransisco: Hey, hey!

[ singing ]“Feel the HOT grease in your whi-iskers
Chin SLICK, like a bald man’s head!”

Charlie McGee: We use the finest pork shoulder in EACH and EVERY Firestarter Sausage, and then slowly roast them over a mesquite wood fire — [ her hair suddenly rises in a burst of wind, and her face glows red ] that I start with my mind! [ she blows, as things return to normal ] They’re the SAUSIGIEST! [ smiles ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ singing ]“Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages
‘Cause the government, screwed up, her bra-ain!”

[ points his hook over the grill ] Where there’s smoke, there’s fire!

[ Charlie stares at the grill, concentrates, as a big ball of flame jumps at Lonny ]

Lonny San Fransisco: [ screams ] COME ON!!!

Charlie McGee: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

[ Lonny keeps his distance from Charlie ] [ product slide swops forward ]

Announcer: Firestarter Brand Smoked Sausages. Smoked with fires she starts with her mind.

[ fade ]

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