SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/03/07: The Formosa

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

The Formosa

Peter O’Toole…..Bill Hader
Mr. Bostwick…..Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. Bostwick…..Maya Rudolph
…..Drew Barrymore

[ open on exterior, The Formosa cocktail bar ] [ dissolve to interior, Peter O’Toole holding a stiff drink in his hand whle rambling to a couple at the bar ]

Peter O’Toole: — and, finally, I say to this idiot: “I’m Peter O’Toole, and this is Richard Burton! Can you release us from your jail cell, and let us CONTINUE with our DEBAUCHERY?!” [ smiles ] And, to that, he said, “You’re not in a jail cell.. you’re in my CLOSET!” THAT.. is how you end a night of drinking! [ lets out a deep guffaw and toasts himself ]

Nr. Bostwick: [ confused ] Wait – you’re in a closet?

Peter O’Toole: Positively HEROIC!!

[ Drew Barrymore sits at the bar to Peter’s left ]

Drew Barrymore: Yeah! I’ll have a Vodka tonic, straight up, please.

Peter O’Toole: [ pounds the bar counter ] Ah, here, here! I was just about to say!

Drew Barrymore: [ looks over to Peter, smiles ] Peter O’Toole!

Peter O’Toole: Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: What are you doing in Hollywood?

Peter O’Toole: Haven’t you heard? I’ve been nominated again for an Academy Award!

Drew Barrymore: I did hear that!

Peter O’Toole: It’s number eight, if you’re keeping score. Say! I’d like you to meet the Bostwicks? from Cleveland, Fran and — [ looks to his right to find the couple is now long gone ] Ah. No one knows how to DRINK any more, you know.

Drew Barrymore: Oh, I know what you mean – Hollywood isn’t the same any more —

Peter O’Toole: Nooo, it’s not, you’re right. People RESPECTED a drunk in those days!

Drew Barrymore: They did! You’re right – tell me about it! I once drank a CASE of whiskey with George C. Scott and Faye Dunaway. I was nine years old.

Peter O’Toole: BRAVO!!! Drunk at nine! Gone are the days when you could empty a few bottles, steal a fire truck, and drive into David Niven’s living room!

Drew Barrymore: Those days ARE long gone! You know, I partied with Dudley Moore and Laurence Olivier, at the Golden Globes when I was seven!

Peter O’Toole: Seven years old, you are my CHAMPION, Madam!!

Drew Barrymore: [ giggles ] When my grandfather died, Peter Lorre took the body to Errol Flynn’s house so they could get drunk one last time together!

Peter O’Toole: Technically, I’ve been dead for at least ten years!

Drew Barrymore: Good for you. I can’t stand Hollywood today. The Hollywood of yesterday was so much better.

Peter O’Toole: Right you are! Now, you have these – these underfed tarts like.. Lindsey Hilton.. running around, showing off their VAGINAS!! There’s no panache in that!

Drew Barrymore: NO panache!!

Peter O’Toole: If you’re going to expose yourself, you do it with a FLOURISH!! Whenever I revealed my genitals — and I did so, often — I made it like it was the opening night of a PLAY!! “Gather ‘ round!” I would say, “It’s PETER’S O’TOOLE!!” [ laughs uproariously ]

Drew Barrymore: I once flashed my tatas at David Letterman!

Peter O’Toole: I toast your tatas! [ they clink their glasses together ] I’m a lover of a lady’s tatas. Peter Finch and I once stormed a monastary to get at a NUN’S tatas!!

Drew Barrymore: Monastaries don’t have nuns, they have monks.

Peter O’Toole: Ah, there’s no turning back.. the die is cast.

Drew Barrymore: A toast!

Peter O’Toole: A TOAST to US!! Because we are first-class drunks!

Drew Barrymore: First-class!

Peter O’Toole: Now, young Barrymore. Perhaps you’ll join me, for I must NOW go in search of Richard Harris’ star on the Walk of Fame. It is my tradition to take a DUMP on it! He would have done the same for me, had I gone first.

Drew Barrymore: Mmm, I’m right behind you!

Peter O’Toole: Let’s go —

[ Drew grabs for Peter, and they both stumble to the floor ]

Peter O’Toole: That was PANACHE!!

Drew Barrymore: EX-ACT-LY!

[ fade ]

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