Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
Peter O’Toole…..Bill Hader
Mr. Bostwick…..Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. Bostwick…..Maya Rudolph
Peter O’Toole: — and, finally, I say to this idiot: “I’m Peter O’Toole, and this is Richard Burton! Can you release us from your jail cell, and let us CONTINUE with our DEBAUCHERY?!” [ smiles ] And, to that, he said, “You’re not in a jail cell.. you’re in my CLOSET!” THAT.. is how you end a night of drinking! [ lets out a deep guffaw and toasts himself ]
Nr. Bostwick: [ confused ] Wait – you’re in a closet?
Peter O’Toole: Positively HEROIC!![ Drew Barrymore sits at the bar to Peter’s left ]
Drew Barrymore: Yeah! I’ll have a Vodka tonic, straight up, please.
Peter O’Toole: [ pounds the bar counter ] Ah, here, here! I was just about to say!
Drew Barrymore: [ looks over to Peter, smiles ] Peter O’Toole!
Peter O’Toole: Drew Barrymore!
Drew Barrymore: What are you doing in Hollywood?
Peter O’Toole: Haven’t you heard? I’ve been nominated again for an Academy Award!
Drew Barrymore: I did hear that!
Peter O’Toole: It’s number eight, if you’re keeping score. Say! I’d like you to meet the Bostwicks? from Cleveland, Fran and — [ looks to his right to find the couple is now long gone ] Ah. No one knows how to DRINK any more, you know.
Drew Barrymore: Oh, I know what you mean – Hollywood isn’t the same any more —
Peter O’Toole: Nooo, it’s not, you’re right. People RESPECTED a drunk in those days!
Drew Barrymore: They did! You’re right – tell me about it! I once drank a CASE of whiskey with George C. Scott and Faye Dunaway. I was nine years old.
Peter O’Toole: BRAVO!!! Drunk at nine! Gone are the days when you could empty a few bottles, steal a fire truck, and drive into David Niven’s living room!
Drew Barrymore: Those days ARE long gone! You know, I partied with Dudley Moore and Laurence Olivier, at the Golden Globes when I was seven!
Peter O’Toole: Seven years old, you are my CHAMPION, Madam!!
Drew Barrymore: [ giggles ] When my grandfather died, Peter Lorre took the body to Errol Flynn’s house so they could get drunk one last time together!
Peter O’Toole: Technically, I’ve been dead for at least ten years!
Drew Barrymore: Good for you. I can’t stand Hollywood today. The Hollywood of yesterday was so much better.
Peter O’Toole: Right you are! Now, you have these – these underfed tarts like.. Lindsey Hilton.. running around, showing off their VAGINAS!! There’s no panache in that!
Drew Barrymore: NO panache!!
Peter O’Toole: If you’re going to expose yourself, you do it with a FLOURISH!! Whenever I revealed my genitals — and I did so, often — I made it like it was the opening night of a PLAY!! “Gather ‘ round!” I would say, “It’s PETER’S O’TOOLE!!” [ laughs uproariously ]
Drew Barrymore: I once flashed my tatas at David Letterman!
Peter O’Toole: I toast your tatas! [ they clink their glasses together ] I’m a lover of a lady’s tatas. Peter Finch and I once stormed a monastary to get at a NUN’S tatas!!
Drew Barrymore: Monastaries don’t have nuns, they have monks.
Peter O’Toole: Ah, there’s no turning back.. the die is cast.
Drew Barrymore: A toast!
Peter O’Toole: A TOAST to US!! Because we are first-class drunks!
Drew Barrymore: First-class!
Peter O’Toole: Now, young Barrymore. Perhaps you’ll join me, for I must NOW go in search of Richard Harris’ star on the Walk of Fame. It is my tradition to take a DUMP on it! He would have done the same for me, had I gone first.
Drew Barrymore: Mmm, I’m right behind you!
Peter O’Toole: Let’s go —[ Drew grabs for Peter, and they both stumble to the floor ]
Peter O’Toole: That was PANACHE!!
Drew Barrymore: EX-ACT-LY![ fade ]