SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/03/07: The Formosa


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 12

06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

The Formosa

Peter O’Toole…..Bill Hader
Mr. Bostwick…..Jason Sudeikis
Mrs. Bostwick…..Maya Rudolph
…..Drew Barrymore

[ open on exterior, The Formosa cocktail bar ] [ dissolve to interior, Peter O’Toole holding a stiff drink in his hand whle rambling to a couple at the bar ]

Peter O’Toole: — and, finally, I say to this idiot: “I’m Peter O’Toole, and this is Richard Burton! Can you release us from your jail cell, and let us CONTINUE with our DEBAUCHERY?!” [ smiles ] And, to that, he said, “You’re not in a jail cell.. you’re in my CLOSET!” THAT.. is how you end a night of drinking! [ lets out a deep guffaw and toasts himself ]

Nr. Bostwick: [ confused ] Wait – you’re in a closet?

Peter O’Toole: Positively HEROIC!!

[ Drew Barrymore sits at the bar to Peter’s left ]

Drew Barrymore: Yeah! I’ll have a Vodka tonic, straight up, please.

Peter O’Toole: [ pounds the bar counter ] Ah, here, here! I was just about to say!

Drew Barrymore: [ looks over to Peter, smiles ] Peter O’Toole!

Peter O’Toole: Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: What are you doing in Hollywood?

Peter O’Toole: Haven’t you heard? I’ve been nominated again for an Academy Award!

Drew Barrymore: I did hear that!

Peter O’Toole: It’s number eight, if you’re keeping score. Say! I’d like you to meet the Bostwicks? from Cleveland, Fran and — [ looks to his right to find the couple is now long gone ] Ah. No one knows how to DRINK any more, you know.

Drew Barrymore: Oh, I know what you mean – Hollywood isn’t the same any more —

Peter O’Toole: Nooo, it’s not, you’re right. People RESPECTED a drunk in those days!

Drew Barrymore: They did! You’re right – tell me about it! I once drank a CASE of whiskey with George C. Scott and Faye Dunaway. I was nine years old.

Peter O’Toole: BRAVO!!! Drunk at nine! Gone are the days when you could empty a few bottles, steal a fire truck, and drive into David Niven’s living room!

Drew Barrymore: Those days ARE long gone! You know, I partied with Dudley Moore and Laurence Olivier, at the Golden Globes when I was seven!

Peter O’Toole: Seven years old, you are my CHAMPION, Madam!!

Drew Barrymore: [ giggles ] When my grandfather died, Peter Lorre took the body to Errol Flynn’s house so they could get drunk one last time together!

Peter O’Toole: Technically, I’ve been dead for at least ten years!

Drew Barrymore: Good for you. I can’t stand Hollywood today. The Hollywood of yesterday was so much better.

Peter O’Toole: Right you are! Now, you have these – these underfed tarts like.. Lindsey Hilton.. running around, showing off their VAGINAS!! There’s no panache in that!

Drew Barrymore: NO panache!!

Peter O’Toole: If you’re going to expose yourself, you do it with a FLOURISH!! Whenever I revealed my genitals — and I did so, often — I made it like it was the opening night of a PLAY!! “Gather ‘ round!” I would say, “It’s PETER’S O’TOOLE!!” [ laughs uproariously ]

Drew Barrymore: I once flashed my tatas at David Letterman!

Peter O’Toole: I toast your tatas! [ they clink their glasses together ] I’m a lover of a lady’s tatas. Peter Finch and I once stormed a monastary to get at a NUN’S tatas!!

Drew Barrymore: Monastaries don’t have nuns, they have monks.

Peter O’Toole: Ah, there’s no turning back.. the die is cast.

Drew Barrymore: A toast!

Peter O’Toole: A TOAST to US!! Because we are first-class drunks!

Drew Barrymore: First-class!

Peter O’Toole: Now, young Barrymore. Perhaps you’ll join me, for I must NOW go in search of Richard Harris’ star on the Walk of Fame. It is my tradition to take a DUMP on it! He would have done the same for me, had I gone first.

Drew Barrymore: Mmm, I’m right behind you!

Peter O’Toole: Let’s go —

[ Drew grabs for Peter, and they both stumble to the floor ]

Peter O’Toole: That was PANACHE!!

Drew Barrymore: EX-ACT-LY!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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