Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
Jojo the Valet
Mrs. Stansfield…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on exterior, country club ]
[ dissolve to close-up exterior of the main clubhouse, where Mrs. Stansfield and Ashley stand on the walk waiting for their cars ]
Mrs. Stansfield: I’ll be honest, Ashley – when I suggested we play tennis, my motives were to cheer you up, post-divorce. But you’re so absolutely vibrant, that I’m thinking I should rid myself of David!
[ they share the laugh ]
Ashley: You are too sweet – I’m lucky to have a friend like you!
Mrs. Stansfield: The whole thing is so exciting. I keep thinking I should rid myself of David!
Ashley: [ laughs ] O-kay! You said that!
Mrs. Stansfield: Ha, did I?
Mrs. Stansfield: Well, I won’t blame that on my booze problem.
[ Jojo the valet runs up with Mrs. Stansfield’s keys ]
Jojo: Here’s your keys, Mrs. Stansfield!
Mrs. Stansfield: Thank you.
[ Mrs. Stansfield hobbles off to her car ]
Jojo: Jorge will be right here with your car, Mrs. Sanderson.
Ashley: Thank you, Jojo. But it’s not “Mrs. Sanderson” any more. You can call me “Ashley.”
Jojo: Oh, yeah. Word’s out about that. Guess you’re a single lady now.
Ashley: Looks like it.
[ Jojo blows air between his lips, in nervous anticipation ]
Jojo: Oh, boy.. I want — [ stops himself, pounds his fist and paces nervously ]
Ashley: I’m.. sorry, jojo?
Jojo: Nothing.. it’s nothing. Don’t say it, Jojo, DON’T SAY IT!! [ pounds his fist again, and struggles uncofortably in front of Ashley ]
Ashley: [ lightly primps her hair ] Is there something that you want to say, Jojo?
Jojo: [ lets out a light primal scream ] I’m not good with words!
Ashley: Just say it, Jojo.
Jojo: I want to lay you. I want to lay on top of you! I love you. [ winces ] Ughhh!! Too SOON, Jojo!!
Ashley: Oh, Jojo..
Jojo: Look! I know I’m not handsome! Or smart! Or rich! Or have opinions! Or read the paper! Or dress well! Or smell nice! But I’m SCRAPPY!! I can get in and out of tight situations – bing, bang, go Jojo!!
Ashley: Jojo! I’m very flattered! But —
Jojo: I want to — I want to GET on you! Okay? I want to get.. on top of you.. so you feel all ninety pounds of Jojo! [ pounds his fist again ]
Ashley: Aw, Jojo, there is an excellent chance that I might be getting back together with my husband. The divorce isn’t final.
Jojo: I don’t have a fancy house. Or a house. But I do know this: your boobs. I want to touch them. For hours! Juggle ’em.. smash ’em together.. start with your boobs – oh, this isn’t coming out right! [ pounds his fist and turns away ]
[ Randall exits the club house ]
Randall: [ speaking with a high-pitched, snooty pitch ] Ashley? How are you?
Ashley: Well, hello, Randall!
Randall: I’m so sorry to hear about you and Jonathan..
Jojo: [ protecting his turf ] Hey, hey, hey, hey! We’re having a conversation here!
Randall: Oh. Hello, Jojo. Could you grab my car for me?
Jojo: [ to himself ] Alright, Jojo.. what does Jojo do..? Let me tell you something – part of me wants to KICK your car, and I want to keep my job — but the other part of me wants to stay here and protect my lady!
Ashley: I’ll be fine, Jojo.
Jojo: [ points a menacing finger at Randall ] YOU!! You DON’T.. HURT HER!! [ runs off to grab his car ]
Randall: Jojo, your behavior is highly inappropriate! [ ] So, Ashley – if it’s not too soon, perhaps you and I could, uh.. maybe go out —
Jojo: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, buddy! You want your keys? Hmm? You want your keys? [ flings them to the treet ] Go get ’em!
Randall: [ aghast ] Jojo! [ storms off ] I’m annoyed..
Jojo: [ touches his hand to Ashley’s neck ] What did he do to you?
Jojo: Did he hurt you? Did he — did he put his – his hands on you?
Ashley: No, I — no — I — nothing. I think that you’re a very nice man —
Jojo: [ turns his head and smiles ] When you talk, it’s so beautiful. It’s like you’re puking rainbows!
[ Jojo’s Boss pokes his head out from inside the club house ]
Boss: Jojo! A squirrel is loose in the air conditioning vent, and you’re the only one small enough to crawl in and catch it.
Jojo: You got it, Boss!
Boss: Thank you, Jojo. [ retreats inside ]
Jojo: [ to Ashley, suavely ] Listen to me. I’m gonna go catch that squirrel.. and then I’m gonna go catch your heart. Promise me — promise me you’ll give me a chance.
Ashley: I promise.
Jojo: [ pumped up, shadow boxes his fists triumphantly ] Jojo! [ holds his hands before Ashley’s breasts ] I LOVE those! [ enters the clubhouse ]
[ Ashley is alone, until Jorge the valet runs up a moment later, smiling ]
Ashley: Jorge! Where have you been? You’ve been gone so long! [ embraces Jorge and hugs him passionately ]
Jorge: [ proudly ] I find a car!
Ashley: Oh, God, it was horrible! I thought he knew about us. Now, take me home, Jorge. [ looks him in the eye ] You know what I want!
Jorge: [ beams ] Yuggle googs?
Ashley: Yes, Jorge! Juggle boobs! Let’s go!
[ Ashley drags Jorge off the set ]
[ fade ]