SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 02/03/07: Jojo the Valet



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 12







06l: Drew Barrymore / Lily Allen

Jojo the Valet

Mrs. Stansfield…..Kristen Wiig
Ashley…..Drew Barrymore
Jojo…..Amy Poehler
Randall…..Will Forte
Boss…..Bill Hader
Jorge…..Fred Armisen

[ open on exterior, country club ] [ dissolve to close-up exterior of the main clubhouse, where Mrs. Stansfield and Ashley stand on the walk waiting for their cars ]

Mrs. Stansfield: I’ll be honest, Ashley – when I suggested we play tennis, my motives were to cheer you up, post-divorce. But you’re so absolutely vibrant, that I’m thinking I should rid myself of David!

[ they share the laugh ]

Ashley: You are too sweet – I’m lucky to have a friend like you!

Mrs. Stansfield: The whole thing is so exciting. I keep thinking I should rid myself of David!

Ashley: [ laughs ] O-kay! You said that!

Mrs. Stansfield: Ha, did I?

Ashley: Yeah.

Mrs. Stansfield: Well, I won’t blame that on my booze problem.

[ Jojo the valet runs up with Mrs. Stansfield’s keys ]

Jojo: Here’s your keys, Mrs. Stansfield!

Mrs. Stansfield: Thank you.

[ Mrs. Stansfield hobbles off to her car ]

Jojo: Jorge will be right here with your car, Mrs. Sanderson.

Ashley: Thank you, Jojo. But it’s not “Mrs. Sanderson” any more. You can call me “Ashley.”

Jojo: Oh, yeah. Word’s out about that. Guess you’re a single lady now.

Ashley: Looks like it.

[ Jojo blows air between his lips, in nervous anticipation ]

Jojo: Oh, boy.. I want — [ stops himself, pounds his fist and paces nervously ]

Ashley: I’m.. sorry, jojo?

Jojo: Nothing.. it’s nothing. Don’t say it, Jojo, DON’T SAY IT!! [ pounds his fist again, and struggles uncofortably in front of Ashley ]

Ashley: [ lightly primps her hair ] Is there something that you want to say, Jojo?

Jojo: [ lets out a light primal scream ] I’m not good with words!

Ashley: Just say it, Jojo.

Jojo: I want to lay you. I want to lay on top of you! I love you. [ winces ] Ughhh!! Too SOON, Jojo!!

Ashley: Oh, Jojo..

Jojo: Look! I know I’m not handsome! Or smart! Or rich! Or have opinions! Or read the paper! Or dress well! Or smell nice! But I’m SCRAPPY!! I can get in and out of tight situations – bing, bang, go Jojo!!

Ashley: Jojo! I’m very flattered! But —

Jojo: I want to — I want to GET on you! Okay? I want to get.. on top of you.. so you feel all ninety pounds of Jojo! [ pounds his fist again ]

Ashley: Aw, Jojo, there is an excellent chance that I might be getting back together with my husband. The divorce isn’t final.

Jojo: I don’t have a fancy house. Or a house. But I do know this: your boobs. I want to touch them. For hours! Juggle ’em.. smash ’em together.. start with your boobs – oh, this isn’t coming out right! [ pounds his fist and turns away ] [ Randall exits the club house ]

Randall: [ speaking with a high-pitched, snooty pitch ] Ashley? How are you?

Ashley: Well, hello, Randall!

Randall: I’m so sorry to hear about you and Jonathan..

Ashley: Yeah..

Jojo: [ protecting his turf ] Hey, hey, hey, hey! We’re having a conversation here!

Randall: Oh. Hello, Jojo. Could you grab my car for me?

Jojo: [ to himself ] Alright, Jojo.. what does Jojo do..? Let me tell you something – part of me wants to KICK your car, and I want to keep my job — but the other part of me wants to stay here and protect my lady!

Ashley: I’ll be fine, Jojo.

Jojo: [ points a menacing finger at Randall ] YOU!! You DON’T.. HURT HER!! [ runs off to grab his car ]

Randall: Jojo, your behavior is highly inappropriate! [ ] So, Ashley – if it’s not too soon, perhaps you and I could, uh.. maybe go out —

Jojo: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, buddy! You want your keys? Hmm? You want your keys? [ flings them to the treet ] Go get ’em!

Randall: [ aghast ] Jojo! [ storms off ] I’m annoyed..

Jojo: [ touches his hand to Ashley’s neck ] What did he do to you?

Ashley: Nothing.

Jojo: Did he hurt you? Did he — did he put his – his hands on you?

Ashley: No, I — no — I — nothing. I think that you’re a very nice man —

Jojo: [ turns his head and smiles ] When you talk, it’s so beautiful. It’s like you’re puking rainbows!

[ Jojo’s Boss pokes his head out from inside the club house ]

Boss: Jojo! A squirrel is loose in the air conditioning vent, and you’re the only one small enough to crawl in and catch it.

Jojo: You got it, Boss!

Boss: Thank you, Jojo. [ retreats inside ]

Jojo: [ to Ashley, suavely ] Listen to me. I’m gonna go catch that squirrel.. and then I’m gonna go catch your heart. Promise me — promise me you’ll give me a chance.

Ashley: I promise.

Jojo: [ pumped up, shadow boxes his fists triumphantly ] Jojo! [ holds his hands before Ashley’s breasts ] I LOVE those! [ enters the clubhouse ] [ Ashley is alone, until Jorge the valet runs up a moment later, smiling ]

Ashley: Jorge! Where have you been? You’ve been gone so long! [ embraces Jorge and hugs him passionately ]

Jorge: [ proudly ] I find a car!

Ashley: Oh, God, it was horrible! I thought he knew about us. Now, take me home, Jorge. [ looks him in the eye ] You know what I want!

Jorge: [ beams ] Yuggle googs?

Ashley: Yes, Jorge! Juggle boobs! Let’s go!

Jorge: Okay!

[ Ashley drags Jorge off the set ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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