Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
Drew Barrymore’s Monologue
Audience Member…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Drew Barrymore!
Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you! Wow! It is GREAT to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, for the fifth time! [ audience cheers ] I can’t believe it! Honestly, it feels like I’ve hosted five-hundred times, but.. I’m really bad at estimating. I love this show so much, because it’s >regular comedy, and I tend to do a lot of romantic comedies. Now, I love rmantic comedies, but you get a little tired of the old boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl storylines. So, anyway — I mean, I actually did just get a script for a boy-who-meets-three girls, but I think you can only see that in a hotel room. [ light chuckles from the audience ]
Now.. I know, tonight, that they’re actually planning a little surprise for me. They have a thing called the Five-Timers Club, so.. follow me, I’d like to take you there.[ Drew steps off Home Base and heads to the back hall of Studio 8H ]
Drew Barrymore: My first show was in 1982, when I was 7 years old. I had just done the movie “E.T.” —[ as Drew enters the hallway, Andy Samberg comes rushing through from the opposite direction. They crash into one another, spilling andy’s paperwork all over the floor. ]
Drew Barrymore: Oh, my gosh!
Andy Samberg: Oh!
Drew Barrymore: Oh, Andy – I’m so sorry!
Andy Samberg: It’s okay.
Drew Barrymore: I’m sorry —
Andy Samberg: Uh — hey, Drew?
Drew Barrymore: Yeah?
Andy Samberg: There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you all week.
Drew Barrymore: What?
Andy Samberg: Will you have dinner with me tonight.
Drew Barrymore: It’s, uh — 11:30. I’ve already had dinner.
Andy Samberg: A girl like you deserves two dinners.
Drew Barrymore: [ smiles ] Okay. It’s a date.
Andy Samberg: Okay, great!
Drew Barrymore: Okay. Here – I’ll take some of these for you —
Andy Samberg: Okay. Good.
Drew Barrymore: Okay. Bye![ they continue along opposite paths down the hall. Drew squeals as she runs into Amy Poehler further down the hall. ]
Amy Poehler: Hey, Drew!
Drew Barrymore: [ giddy ] Hi, Amy!
Amy Poehler: What’s gotten into you? You look so happy!
Drew Barrymore: Andy just asked me out!
Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! That’s, like, totally awesome!
Drew Barrymore: I know! I mean, I finally feel like I’ve met a guy who I really belong with. Someone I can trust!
Amy Poehler: Aww![ Drew stops dead in her tracks, looks offscreen and gasps ]
Amy Poehler: What’s wrong?[ the camera turns sharply across the hall, where Andy is making out with Kristen Wiig ]
Drew Barrymore: Nooo! [ runs down the hall ]
Amy Poehler: Awww..
Will Forte: Well, well, well! Hello there, beautiful lady!
Drew Barrymore: [ distracted ] Not now, Will.
Will Forte: Have you, uh, reconsidered my offer – a night of sweet lovemaking?
Drew Barrymore: No.
Will Forte: Look, a ltitle piece of advice for you: you cna spend the rest of your life looking for Mr. Right, and possibly die alone. Or you can spend one night.. with this. [ draws a circle around his face with his hand ] Your call.
Drew Barrymore: [ relunctant ] Okay, you win. What time?
Will Forte: Well, I have a 1:45 lovemaking already scheduled, so let’s go with 1:40.
Drew Barrymore: Okay.. I can do that..[ Andy runs into the scene ]
Andy Samberg: Drew! I need to talk to you!
Drew Barrymore: I never want to talk to you again! [ retreats down the hall ]
Andy Samberg: Drew! Wait! [ starts to run after her ]
Will Forte: [ holds andy back ] Hold it right there, Samberg – is there a problem?
Andy Samberg: Yeah. I was rehearsing a scene with Kristen, but I think Drew thought we were actually kissing.
Will Forte: Well, that’s too bad, because Drew is with me now, okay? And I intend to make love to her in multiple positions. Do you know what “mutliple positions” means, Samberg?
Andy Samberg: Yes.
Will Forte: Two positions – minimum! See you later, Samberg! [ exits down hall ] [ Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Just Like a Star” plays over Andy’s recollection of the romantic events of the past few minutes – the crash, the illicit kiss, the chase, etc. Andy wipes a tear from his eyes. ] [ dissolve to Drew back at Home Base ]
Drew Barrymore: I was so afraid that this would happen. This is exactly what I didn’t want. Anyway, you know what? I think I’m just gonna take some questions from the audience. Uh – does anyone have any questions?
Audience Member: Oh! Yes, yes! [ stands ] Hi! Uh – I’m a huge, huge fan of the movie “Boys on the Side.” But I noticed some mistakes – for example, with the editing —
Voice: I have a question![ cut to Andy, holding up a boombox like John Cusack outside Ione Skye’s window in “Say Anything” ]
Drew Barrymore: Andy!
Audience Member: [ frowns ] I guess it’s your turn now. [ sits ]
Andy Samberg: When two people are MEANT to be together, shouldn’t they FIGHT through whatever obstacles stand in their way?
Drew Barrymore: I don’t want to get hurt again, Andy. [ Andy joins her onstage ] You’re soaking wet. Is it raining outside?
Andy Samberg: No, I just dunked my head in a bucket of water. Look – about earlier —
Drew Barrymore: Shh. You had me at “bucket.”[ they kiss passionately ] [ cut to Kristen standing next to a weepy Will ]
Kristen Wiig: You really loved her, didn’t you?
Will Forte: Yes!
Kristen Wiig: You know, they say sometimes the person you’re meant to be with.. is standing beside you the whole time. [ coquettishly faces away from Will ]
Will Forte: [ looks at Kristen and smiles ] You’re right! I’ve been such a fool! [ ignores Kristen, turns in the opposite direction to face Kenan Thompson ] Kenan? Lovemaking?
Kenan Thompson: Money up front?
Will Forte: I wouldn’t have it any other way![ Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”, from “Mannequin”, plays over the scene as they hug passionately ]
Drew Barrymore: We have a great show for you tonight! Lily Allen is here, so stick around! We’ll be right back![ camera pulls back, pans over to the next stage and immediately into the next sketch ]