Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
Drew Barrymore’s Monologue
Audience Member…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Drew Barrymore!
Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you! Wow! It is GREAT to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, for the fifth time! [ audience cheers ] I can’t believe it! Honestly, it feels like I’ve hosted five-hundred times, but.. I’m really bad at estimating. I love this show so much, because it’s >regular comedy, and I tend to do a lot of romantic comedies. Now, I love rmantic comedies, but you get a little tired of the old boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl storylines. So, anyway — I mean, I actually did just get a script for a boy-who-meets-three girls, but I think you can only see that in a hotel room. [ light chuckles from the audience ]
Now.. I know, tonight, that they’re actually planning a little surprise for me. They have a thing called the Five-Timers Club, so.. follow me, I’d like to take you there.[ Drew steps off Home Base and heads to the back hall of Studio 8H ]
Drew Barrymore: My first show was in 1982, when I was 7 years old. I had just done the movie “E.T.” —[ as Drew enters the hallway, Andy Samberg comes rushing through from the opposite direction. They crash into one another, spilling andy’s paperwork all over the floor. ]
Drew Barrymore: Oh, my gosh!
Andy Samberg: Oh!
Drew Barrymore: Oh, Andy – I’m so sorry!
Andy Samberg: It’s okay.
Drew Barrymore: I’m sorry —[ they both kneel to the ground to pick up Andy’s papers. As they do, their eyes meet and the lights turn low. Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” begins to play over them. ]
Andy Samberg: Uh — hey, Drew?
Drew Barrymore: Yeah?
Andy Samberg: There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you all week.
Drew Barrymore: What?
Andy Samberg: Will you have dinner with me tonight.
Drew Barrymore: It’s, uh — 11:30. I’ve already had dinner.
Andy Samberg: A girl like you deserves two dinners.
Drew Barrymore: [ smiles ] Okay. It’s a date.
Andy Samberg: Okay, great!
Drew Barrymore: Okay. Here – I’ll take some of these for you —
Andy Samberg: Okay. Good.
Drew Barrymore: Okay. Bye![ they continue along opposite paths down the hall. Drew squeals as she runs into Amy Poehler further down the hall. ]
Amy Poehler: Hey, Drew!
Drew Barrymore: [ giddy ] Hi, Amy!
Amy Poehler: What’s gotten into you? You look so happy!
Drew Barrymore: Andy just asked me out!
Amy Poehler: Oh, my God! That’s, like, totally awesome!
Drew Barrymore: I know! I mean, I finally feel like I’ve met a guy who I really belong with. Someone I can trust!
Amy Poehler: Aww![ Drew stops dead in her tracks, looks offscreen and gasps ]
Amy Poehler: What’s wrong?[ the camera turns sharply across the hall, where Andy is making out with Kristen Wiig ]
Drew Barrymore: Nooo! [ runs down the hall ]
Amy Poehler: Awww..[ Drew runs into Will Forte at the end of the doorway ]
Will Forte: Well, well, well! Hello there, beautiful lady!
Drew Barrymore: [ distracted ] Not now, Will.
Will Forte: Have you, uh, reconsidered my offer – a night of sweet lovemaking?
Drew Barrymore: No.
Will Forte: Look, a ltitle piece of advice for you: you cna spend the rest of your life looking for Mr. Right, and possibly die alone. Or you can spend one night.. with this. [ draws a circle around his face with his hand ] Your call.
Drew Barrymore: [ relunctant ] Okay, you win. What time?
Will Forte: Well, I have a 1:45 lovemaking already scheduled, so let’s go with 1:40.
Drew Barrymore: Okay.. I can do that..[ Andy runs into the scene ]
Andy Samberg: Drew! I need to talk to you!
Drew Barrymore: I never want to talk to you again! [ retreats down the hall ]
Andy Samberg: Drew! Wait! [ starts to run after her ]
Will Forte: [ holds andy back ] Hold it right there, Samberg – is there a problem?
Andy Samberg: Yeah. I was rehearsing a scene with Kristen, but I think Drew thought we were actually kissing.
Will Forte: Well, that’s too bad, because Drew is with me now, okay? And I intend to make love to her in multiple positions. Do you know what “mutliple positions” means, Samberg?
Andy Samberg: Yes.
Will Forte: Two positions – minimum! See you later, Samberg! [ exits down hall ] [ Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Just Like a Star” plays over Andy’s recollection of the romantic events of the past few minutes – the crash, the illicit kiss, the chase, etc. Andy wipes a tear from his eyes. ] [ dissolve to Drew back at Home Base ]
Drew Barrymore: I was so afraid that this would happen. This is exactly what I didn’t want. Anyway, you know what? I think I’m just gonna take some questions from the audience. Uh – does anyone have any questions?
Audience Member: Oh! Yes, yes! [ stands ] Hi! Uh – I’m a huge, huge fan of the movie “Boys on the Side.” But I noticed some mistakes – for example, with the editing —
Voice: I have a question![ cut to Andy, holding up a boombox like John Cusack outside Ione Skye’s window in “Say Anything” ]
Drew Barrymore: Andy!
Audience Member: [ frowns ] I guess it’s your turn now. [ sits ]
Andy Samberg: When two people are MEANT to be together, shouldn’t they FIGHT through whatever obstacles stand in their way?
Drew Barrymore: I don’t want to get hurt again, Andy. [ Andy joins her onstage ] You’re soaking wet. Is it raining outside?
Andy Samberg: No, I just dunked my head in a bucket of water. Look – about earlier —
Drew Barrymore: Shh. You had me at “bucket.”[ they kiss passionately ] [ cut to Kristen standing next to a weepy Will ]
Kristen Wiig: You really loved her, didn’t you?
Will Forte: Yes!
Kristen Wiig: You know, they say sometimes the person you’re meant to be with.. is standing beside you the whole time. [ coquettishly faces away from Will ]
Will Forte: [ looks at Kristen and smiles ] You’re right! I’ve been such a fool! [ ignores Kristen, turns in the opposite direction to face Kenan Thompson ] Kenan? Lovemaking?
Kenan Thompson: Money up front?
Will Forte: I wouldn’t have it any other way![ Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now”, from “Mannequin”, plays over the scene as they hug passionately ]
Drew Barrymore: We have a great show for you tonight! Lily Allen is here, so stick around! We’ll be right back![ camera pulls back, pans over to the next stage and immediately into the next sketch ]