Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
Written by: Jim Cashman
[open on therapy session ]
Therapist: Now, at our last session, you two said you were going to work on communication. How’s that been going?
Robin: Good. I think my anger towards Dean has really decreased, and I think that’s because we’ve been.. relating to each other in ways that aren’t.. confrontational.
Therapist: Good. Good. Dean, would you agree?
[ cut to close-up of Dean, whose face is severely scarred ]
Dean: Well.. she’s still poisoning me.. as you can see.
Therapist: Okay. Let’s deal with that. Robin, we’ve talked about that in past sessions. Are you still poisoning Dean?
[ Dean gives her a worried look. Robin offers no response. ]
Therapist: Okay. Let’s deal with feelings. Dean, how does the fact that Robin continue to poison you on a daily basis make you feel?
Dean: Well, uh, first off – I don’t know if it’s a daily thing, you know? That’s the nature of dioxin poisoning – it could be every day, it could be every other day. I don’t think it’s every day.
Robin: It’s not every day.
Dean: Good. Good. That’s progress. You know, uh, as to how it makes me feel — aside from the pain, and the vomiting, the facial disfigurement – I guess I’m disappointed? Uh – you know, because I feel like I’ve been trying to communicate better, and – and be a better listener to her.
Robin: And he really has been. He’s been really great. He’s been.. really great.
Therapist: Then, why are you still poisoning him?
Robin: I don’t know. I mean, sometimes it’s just the little things – you know, like, I always do the laundry. [ sighs ] And that’s fine, I don’t mind. But if he could just acknowledge that and say, “Thank you.” I don’t know.
Therapist: Okay. Dean?
Dean: Well, she’s right. You know? I-I-I do take that for granted. But I kinda feel like, there’s always going to be something. You know? I-I-I’m not perfect.. and, if I mess up just a little bit, she’s gonna put a bunch of poison into my food.
Therapist: Do you hear what he’s saying, Robin. Do you think that’s accurate?
Robin: I-I do put poison in his food, so.. I can understand why he feels that way.
Dean: [ impressed ] You do?
Robin: Of course, I do.
Dean: Wow! You know, I-I-I didn’t think she’d say that. I-I guess I never know where I stand with her. You know? For example, last Sunday, we had a great day. You know, it was just the two of us, w-w-we took the dog for a walk, we had a picnic — it was just like when we started dating. And then when we get home, and she goes to the kitchen and writes on the grocery list – in big, red letters – “Dioxin.”
Robin: I was kidding. That was a joke.
Therapist: Robin, why would you joke about something like that?
Robin: [ sighs ] I think that I felt that, because we had such a good day, it would be funny. And it would be something he wouldn’t be expecting, and it would make him laugh.
Therapist: Dean? Did you know it was a joke.
Dean: No, I did not. But, uh – you know, looking back, I can see the humor in it. “Dioxin!” [ smiles, laughs ]
Therapist: I think they’re might be, uh — I think they’re might be something deeper going on here.
Robin: [ nods ] I think you’re right. I mean, we’ve talked about it in previous sessions, about me needing to feel more secure, and I haven’t been lately. I’ve had a lot of anxiety.
Therapist: About what?
Robin: Mostly financial. The bills are piling up, and Dean hasn’t been working lately, so.. that all falls on me.
Dean: Well, she’s right. I-I haven’t been working much. But I’m a – a model. And.. you know, would you hire a model that looked like this?
Robin: [ angered ] So, EVERYTHING is my fault! It’s ALL my fault!
Dean: [ whiny ] I did not say that!
Therapist: alright, alright. I’m gonna tell you — I’m gonna tell you what I see. Despite all the issues — the laundry, the money, the poisoning — I think the fact that you two come in here every week and try to work it out, speaks VOLUMES about how much you guys love each other. Do you agree?
Robin: [ considers the thought, smiles ] I do.
Dean: [ nods ] Yeah.
Therapist: Now, look at each other and say it.
Dean: I love you, honey.
Robin: I love you.
[ Dean and Robin kiss; afterwards, she attempts to lick the extract poison off her lips ]
Therapist: Great! I think this was a very – a very, very productive session. When will I see you guys again? Will I see you guys next week?
Dean: [ optimistic ] I hope so.
Robin: [ arms folded ] I’ll call you.
[ zoom out, fade ]