Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 12
Versace Super Bowl Party
Donatella Versace….Maya Rudolph
Posh Spice….Drew Barrymore
David Beckham….Seth Meyers
Sir Elton John….Horatio Sanz
Announcer: Versace. Extravagance. Decadence. Donatella Versace.[Hunky, fruity, beefed up man-servants wearing football pads and short shorts vogue and carryDonatella Cleopatra style into her living room]
Donatella Versace:[slow, tired voice] Hello everybody, hello. Your old friend Donatella here. Now, I know you haven’t seen me for a while. It’s because I was in rehab for about 2 years. I had to go into the tank to cure my problem with cigarettes, champagne and telling people to get out. But the good news is I’m completely cured. [Man-servants give her a lit cigarette and a glass of champagne]Oh, thank you my babies. Now, GET OUT!!![Man-servants leave]Any foo-foo, welcome to my Super Bowl Party where we smoke, look good and watch football. I want you to meet my buddy who I watch all my ball games with. Believe me there’s no bigger football buff on earth than this guy. PRINCE!Predictions![Androgynous Prince sits on the sofa in his purple suit. Talks into his microphone, organ plays]
Prince: Dearly beloved![echoes]dearly beloved! We are gathered here today to listen my Super Bowl predictions. The Colts.
Donatella Versace: Wait a minute, Prince. Aren’t you supposed to be doing the half time show.[Prince has disappeared]Hey, where the hell did Prince go? All right, [sits and smokes]I got some snacks.[DING -DONG Doorbell]Oh, great. Who the “f” could that be?[Door opens with power couple Posh Spice and David Beckham, a lot of paparazzi pushing through the door, cameras flashing]
Donatella Versace: Oh, look I forgot I invited Posh and Becks.
Posh Spice: [thick British accent]Can we invite the paparazzi in?
Donatella Versace: Chicken and a biscuit! Don’t make me tell you to get out before you even come in. Oh, the lights!! I’m allergic to the LIGHTS! Get in here, quickly![Door is closed, Posh and Becks sit down]Have some Tostitos Scoops.
David Beckham: [very nasal tone of voice]Thank you for inviting us.
Donatella Versace: Oh, my God!, is that really your voice or are you playing some cruel joke on me?
David Beckham: No. That is really my voice.
Posh Spice: Isn’t it sexy?
Donatella Versace: No. Dear Googa-Mooga! It sounds like the fattest man sitting on a million tiny balloons.
David Beckham: Thank You.
Donatella Versace: Your idea of a compliment is very different from mine, dumb ass.
Posh Spice: Donatella, what are these?
Donatella Versace: Chicken wings.
Posh Spice: What are they made of?
Donatella Versace: Chicken.
Posh Spice: Oh, that’s too bad because I don’t eat meat or vegetables or grains or liquids or dairy or…
Donatella Versace:[lifting tray with chicken wings]Please, try one. I insi-i-i-i-st!!
Posh Spice: No, thank you.
Donatella Versace: EAT!! EAT IT!! PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND EAT THE CHICKEN WING!!!! EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT!!!!!![Posh licks a chicken wing]
Posh Spice: I’m full.
Donatella Versace: Jumpin Jehosaphat! You need to actually eat. You look like a pencil with two blood oranges glued to the top. Oh, and you! Close your shirt! I’m getting massive chest glare!!
David Beckham: But I’m freshly waxed.
Donatella Versace: Oh,gosh! You guys are really boring! If you were a football team you would be “Da Boooores” Now, GET OUT!!![The power couple leave] That’s been fantastic. Well, it’s officially time for some football. Donatella’s ready.[sips champagne] [Enters Elton John holding a big bowl and wearing a black Bears jersey]
Elton John: [sings]”Someone saved my life tonight…
Donatella Versace: Holy crap! It can’t be!
Elton John: Hello Donatella. Long time no see. I brought you some of Mama John’s delicious red hot chili bean and cheese dip. Except I replaced the cheese with more beans.
Donatella Versace: Oh, my God! Why do you eat so many beans, queen?
Elton John: Because they are a musical fruit. And so am I.[smiles]
Donatella Versace: So it’s true. You really are what you eat.
Elton John: Yes, Donatella. That is why you are a gigantic wiener.
Donatella Versace: Are you saying I eat gigantic wieners?
Elton John: Yes, constantly.
Donatella Versace: So, do you have a gigantic wiener for me?
Elton John: Yes, but I only put mine in buns.[They share a curious look]
Donatella Versace: You crazy bitch. I’ve missed you so much. [kisses both cheeks]
Elton John: OK, hey Donatella. Hey, it’s time for a pass.[takes out football] Go for a long one!
Donatella Versace: That’s what she said.[Football bounces off her head]
Elton John: Sorry, Donatella.
Donatella Versace: No worries. You know how much I love balls flying at my face.
Elton John: Me too.[They both stare lovingly into the camera]
Donatella Versace: Well, Auntie Mame. Any prediction for the Super Bowl?
Elton John: When it comes to the big game. I always go with the defense and the strong running attack.[Sings like one of his tunes]”And I guess that’s why I’m picking The Bears/ 44-10/Yes, I’m picking The Bea-a-a-a-ars!!
Donatella Versace: Please everyone, enjoy the stupid game and get out.[Techno music plays and man-servants vogue while Elton throws the football again at Donatella, she drops the ball]
Caption: VERSACE SUPER BOWL PARTY[fade] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel