SNL Transcripts: Forest Whitaker: 02/10/07: Man versus Beast Tournament of Champions



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 13









06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

Man versus Beast Tournament of Champions

Greg Gumbel…..Forest Whitaker
Katrina Hoffman…..Amy Poehler
Rosalyn Maddox…..Maya Rudolph
David Angelides…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Animal Planet logo ]

Announcer; You’re watching Animal Planet.

[ dissolve to opening montage of: ]

Announcer: Animal Planet Sports presents: “Man versus Beast Tournament of Champions: The Road to the Final Four.”

[ dissolve to Grug Gumbel and Katrina Hoffman at the anchor desk ]

Greg Gumbel: Hello, everybody. And welcome back to quarterfinal action in Animal Planet’s “Man versus Beast Tournament of Champions.” I’m Greg Gumbel. and, with me once again, as she has been throughout this tournament, is former PETA board member and unreasoning animal rights zealot, Katrina Hoffman.

Katrina Hoffman: [ chipper ] Thanks, Greg! As you know, this tournament is not about running or jumping or climbing. It’s about a fight to the finish between two competitors of different species. No weapons, no armor, and no rules. Except one: the law of the jungle.

Greg Gumbel: A little more than six weeks ago, 128 human beings and animals entered this competition. In a few hours, only four will remain. We’ve got some interesting humans versus animal match-ups in store for you tonight. Hey, Katrina: [ smugly ] I think I know who you’ll be rooting for.

Katrina Hoffman: [ laughs ] What can I say! I LOVE animals, and I absolutely DESPISE human beings!

Greg Gumbel: If you’re just joining us, you missed some thrilling action earlier today. In our first match-up, the tournament’s Cinderella — the dwarf hamster, which had won the hearts of everyone in this arena, with its stunning upset victory over heavily-favored ex-Army major, John Pinto — learned that sometimes the glass slipper doesn’t fit. For this Cinderella, the clock struck midnight when it squared off against tournament favorite — the Arctic polar bear — and was immediately torn to pieces and devoured. The polar bear NOW advances.. to the semifinals, where it will face Wisconsin registered nurse, Peg Larson, who survived a stubborn challenge against a very determined giraffe. But in just a moment, we’ve got the day’s most eagerly anticipated bout, between Seattle Aerosmith engineer, David Angelides — who got to this round by virtue of his win over the manatee — and his opponent, the mountain lion — which defeated a swarm of fruit flies in what was surely this tournament’s strangest contest.

[ cut to pre-taped footage of David Angelides crouched in front of the mountain lion’s cage ]

Greg Gumbel V/O: Right now, you’re looking at the arena where we were — in just a few moments, the mountain lion will do battle with this long-time Boeing employee and father of four —

[ cut back to the studio ]

Greg Gumbel: But before we take you down for the start of this match, I remind you once again that your local cable provider reserves the right NOT to broadcast any images it deems.. “excessively violent.”

[ cut to David Angelides and the mountain lion together in the arena. The mountain lion lets out a high-pitched roar and lunges at David’s throat. Almost immediately, the screen is blacked out with the following text:

“Due to its graphic, violent nature,
your local cable provider has deemed
this video image unsuitable for broadcast.” ]

Greg Gumbel V/O: [ his commentary continues over the blacked-out video footage ] A quick start for the mountain lion! Wow!

[ cut back to the studio ]

Greg Gumbel: And less than two seconds in, and Mr. Angelides has already used his first time-out.

Katrina Hoffman: [ with a wide, proud smile ] The mountain lion is TOTALLY dictating his tempo, Greg, and that CAN’T be good for Mr. Angelides!

Greg Gumbel: We’re back.

[ cut back to the arena, where the mountain lion sits before David Angelides’ motionless, stretched-out body ]

Katrina Hoffman V/O: Okay. Obviously, Mr. Angelides wants to slow the tempo down.

Greg Gumbel V/O: If the mountain lion will let him.

Katrina Hoffman V/O: [ rooting for the mountain lion ] Is he dead?! Could he be dead?!

Greg Gumbel V/O: No, I think he’s just planning his next move —

[ high-pitched roars from the mountain lion, as the screen blacks out again with the following text:

“Due to its graphic, violent nature,
your local cable provider has deemed
this video image unsuitable for broadcast.” ]

Greg Gumbel V/O: Whoa! Whoa! That was NOT the move!

Katrina Hoffman V/O: I must tell you — I do NOT understand this strategy! And you say this guy designs jet engines??

Greg Gumbel V/O: I have to agree – this one’s all but over.

[ cut back to the studio ]

Greg Gumbel: And it IS! It’s over! The mountain lion advances to the semifinals. What a story! This Rocky Mountain native with a troubled past, who just SIX months ago was on the endangered species list, now finds itself TWO wins away from the National Championship.

Katrina Hoffman: [ pleased ] ONLY in America!

Greg Gumbel: But, right now, let’s go to our own Rosalyn Maddox, who’s with the loser of the matvh we just saw — David Angelides.

[ cut to Rosalyn Maddox interviewing a bloody and mauled David Angelides ]

Rosalyn Maddox: David, uh — obviously, not the kind of night you hoped for.

David Angelides: [ shakes his head, which is missing huges patches of hair ] No. No, but you’ve gotta give all the credit to the mountain lion. Everything was working for it. The, uh — the slashing with its claws, the leaping on my back, and sinking its fangs into my back — everything. It really brought its “A” game today.

Rosalyn Maddox: Yeah. Was there a — was there a particular moment when you said to yourself, “It’s just — it’s just not my night”?

David Angelides: [ thinking ] Probably when the mountain lion urinated on me.

Rosalyn Maddox: Did you take that as a sort of “Showboat — Who’s Your Daddy?” move?

David Angelides: No, no, not at all. Not at all. No, uh — they do that to mark their prey, I — I wasn’t offended.

Rosalyn Maddox: Yeah. Is there anything you can take away from a defeat like this.. to build on for the future?

David Angelides: [ thinks long and hard, as his neck begins to squirt blood ] I can’t think of anything.

Rosalyn Maddox: Will we see you back next year?

David Angelides: Hey, I don’t know, Rosalyn, I — I’ve lost an arm, most of a leg, at least one, if not both, kidneys. I, uh — I mean, I really got my ass handed to me today. Literally. Uh — after removing my ass with one swipe of its paw, the mountain lion literally handed it back to me.

Rosalyn Maddox: Mmm-hmm. A nice gesture.

David Angelides: Yeah. I thought so.

Rosalyn Maddox: One last question: uh — was the shoulder injury you suffered against the pygmied hippo a factor tonight?

David Angelides: Uh — I’m not going to make excuses. You know what they say: excuses are like buttholes, everybody’s got one. [ a beat ] Well, except me, I guess. Uh — not any more. At least.. I can’t feel it. [ attempts to tighten his hind quarters whilwe standing ] No.. I don’t have it.

Rosalyn Maddox: Well, thank you for spending this time with us.

David Angelides: Sure.

Rosalyn Maddox: Greg, Katrina, back to you.

[ cut back to the studio. Katrina tries to hide her delight with the mountain lion’s victory as Greg looks for the right words to say ]

Greg Gumbel: Alright. One last piece of the puzzle remains to complete our Final Four. Will it be the king cobra, or former presidential candidate, Michael Dukakis?

Katrina Hoffman: Greg, I would be ASTONISHED if it’s not the cobra!

Greg Gumbel: We’ll find out shortly. Stick around. We’ll be back, right after this.

[ cut to title montage ] [ fade ]

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