SNL Transcripts: Forest Whitaker: 02/10/07: Bronx Beat


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 13

06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

Bronx Beat

Betty Caruso…..Amy Poehler
Jodi Deitz…..Maya Rudolph
Dr. Joseph Humphries…..Forrest Whitaker
Dr. Cora Reynolds…..Kristen Wiig
Voice of Frankie…..

(Lots and lots of chatter.)

Betty: Hello, Hello. Whoo! This is Bronx Beat. I’m Betty. This is Jody.

Jodi: I’m Jody.

Betty: God Why did we do this show today?

Jodi: I don’t even know. What is this show? I honestly have no idea. You know, when I left the house this morning, it was pitch dark outside. There was nary a person on the streets.

Betty: Nobody but nurses and drunks.

Jodi: Nurses and drunks.

Betty: It’s freezing out. I’m cold! I’m depressed. What do you call that season—

Jodi: The Winds of Time.

Betty: The winds of time. Yes.

Jodi: You know, I wish I was a bear so I can sleep and wake up in the Spring.

Betty: Yeah, just hibernate.

Jodi: Hibernate.

Betty: Hibernate.

Jodi: I wanna go into one of those Bear comas. You know, wake me when it’s ova.

Betty: You know if I hibernated, if I went into a bear coma, you know what’d happen to my husband? He would starve to death.

Jodi: Yeah, my husband thinks the microwave is a big clock.

Betty: Ah, stupid. Stupid. You know – Wake me when its summa. ……You know what? I’m grouchy today.

Jodi: You are grouchy.

Betty: I’m grouchy.

Jodi: You know what? I’m grouchy.

Betty: We’re allowed to be grouchy. Be grouchy. Be good to yourself. You only live once and the way things are going these days, the whole world’s gonna blow up.

Jodi: You know, everybody in my house is sick.

Betty: You know what people don’t know how to do at my house, they don’t know how to use a Kleenex. It’s disgusting.

Jodi: Disgusting. Ugh. So many germs. I’d pay a million dollars for someone to come to my house and get rid of all the germs.

Betty: Oh!

Jodi: My house is germ city.

Betty: Yeah, what would they use? How could you get rid of all the germs in your house? Gallons of Purell? Hot blowas? It’s not gonna work.

Jodi: I don’t know. It doesn’t matta.

Betty: You know what I saw on TV?

Jodi: huh?

Betty: There are bugs that live in yah eyelids and you can neva get them out.

Jodi: Disgusting.

Betty: Neva.

Jodi: It’s gross. Geeze. Now, I gotta add that to my list of worries.

Betty: Yah eyelids are the bug’s house.

Jodi: Gross.

Betty: It’s garbage.

Jodi: What are you gonna even tell me that for? It’s disgusting!

Betty: Alright, Alright. We have guests! Plural. Here we go.

Jodi: Oh God, there’s two of ‘em?

Betty: yeah, two. God, alright. Just bring them out.

Jodi: Just bring them out.

Betty: Just bring them out. Get it over with. ….I can’t read this. You need to type these names.

Jodi: I was half asleep when I got here this morning. My hand was frozen, like a claw position.

Betty: Is this an S or a 5?

Jodi: Who knows? How am I supposed to know?

Betty: I can’t even read it. Oh.. Dr. Joseph—Oh! You’re already here.

Jodi: Sneakin up on us.

Betty: Alright, so. Where are you from?

Dr. Joseph Humphries: We’re from the New York blood center and we launching our Bronx community blood program to help increase the level of blood donations in the Bronx.

Jodi: Ugh. Stop sayin blood.

Betty: Yah makin’ me sick.

Jodi: I’m gonna faint.

Betty: I can’t even look at a sewing needle.

Jodi: Oh God. …. All of these medical shows – They make me sick. I can’t even watch Scrubs.

Betty: Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. …Go ahead.

Dr. Cora Reynolds: Joe and I will be at North Central Bronx hospital in the nurses residence Sunday from 12 to —

Jodi: So, how long yah been married?

Dr. Cora Reynolds: Oh, oh.. We’re not married. I mean.. not to each other. He’s married. (Nervous)

Betty: …Not for long.

(Both Better and Jodi smile and nod at them for a bit.)

Betty: Because, guess what? …. He loves you.

Jodi: He loves you.

Betty: He loooves you. Look at the way he’s smiling at you! Va va vooom!

Jodi: Love birds!

Betty: Love birds! Look at how he’s smiling.

Jodi: They’re in love!

Betty: They’re in love!

Jodi: The feeling is mutual. She’s got oogily eyes for him.

Betty: He’s adorable!

Dr. Joseph Humphries: We have a great deal of respect for each other, but we’re strictly coworkers.

Dr. Cora Reynolds: Yes, yes. Strictly professional.

Jodi: Yeah.

Betty: Yeah.

Jodi: Sure.

Betty: Sure. That’s what youre going with. Alright. Yup.

Jodi: Whateva.

Betty: So… Blood drive. ..Ugh. Blood drive.

Jodi: Ugh. That’s two things I hate. Blood and driving.

Betty: Ugh! ….You know what world I hate? ….Hemoglobin.

Jodi: Ew. Gross.

Betty: It doesn’t make any sense. It makes me sick.

Dr. Joseph Humphries: … We started the program a few months ago and we’re very excited–

Jodi: Let me ask yah something. You two share an office?

Dr. Joseph Humphries: Well, there are a few of us in the office.

Betty: Ah, close quarters.

Jodi: Uh huh. Long hours.

Betty: Yup. Drinks after work.

Jodi: You know the last time I had a romantic drink with my husband? Nineteen Eighty-Neva. You know where he takes me to eat? Chez Nowhere. …..It drives me nuts. I hate him, but you know what? …I love him. (starts getting emotional)

Betty: Oh god. Here she goes.

Jodi: And my two daughters. And my son. He’s a good man.

Betty: Very emotional now. God.

Jodi: I know.

Betty: Alright. Anyway. … Blood Drive. Go.

Jodi: Blood drive.

Dr. Joseph Humphries: Yes, please. Come down. Donate blood. It’s easier than you think.

Betty: Hey. Let me pass something on to you two – Love has no color.

Jodi: She’s right. Color of yah skin – Doesn’t matta.

Betty: I dated a Puerto Rican once. I met him at a Yankees game. He was handing out nuts. Drove my parents bonkas.

Jodi: Sexy! I didn’t know that.

Betty: He was a good kissa. God. Such a good kissa. Not like my husband – Ugh! Kissing my husband is like kissing nothing.

Jodi: Tell me about it.

Betty: It’s like kissing a dead fish. I’d rather read a book. … I’d rather kiss a book!

Jodi: I bet you two smash your faces together each chance you get. Let me tell yah something. You are gonna open your desk, and there’s gonna be a secret present in there and guess what? Its. From. Him.

Betty: Bingo, Jodi. He loves you!

Jodi: He’s in love with you!

Betty: Lookit! He’s loving on you! Go ahead. Kiss her.

Jodi: Yeah, noone is watching this show. Just kiss her.

Betty: Kiss her! Noone’s watching.

Jodi: Just do it!

Betty: Just kiss each other! …. We’re pressuring them. We’re pressuring them. Alright. Take your time. Take your time. Love needs time. Alright. How do we take a call? How do we do this?

Jodi: Ugh, I dunno. Just press a button.

Betty: This is stupid! These buttons!

Jodi: Thing thing drives me nuts.

Betty: Hello?

Frankie (voice): Ma? I threw up.

Jodi: Aww, it’s little Frankie. Aww, you threw up? Alright, where are you?

Frankie (voice): I threw up on your bedspread.

Betty: Aww, your bedspread is beautiful.

Jodi: Aww , poor baby. Sweeetie, tell your daddy to get you some flat ginger ale. Where is your father?

Frankie (voice): In the garage.

Jodi: Unbelievable. He’s unbelievable. He’s in the garage, making his own beer.

Betty: Ugh! Grow up. So, stupid.

Jodi: Alright. Bye Frankie. Go get your dumb father. Ugh!

Betty: Oh, God. Sooo… You two are doctas. What’s Frankie got? The flu?

Dr. Joseph Humphries: Maybe?

Jodi: Yeah. What’s Frankie got? The flu?

Betty: Chicken Flu?

Jodi: Stomach Flu?

Betty: Bird Flu?

Jodi: Chicken Flu?

Betty: Super Flu?

Jodi: Mega Flu?

Betty: Mega Mega Flu?

Jodi: Supa Dupa Flu?

Betty: I tell yah. I’ll tell yah what everyone does have – Bugs in yah eyelids.

Jodi: Ick. Freaky.

Betty: It’s disgusting. It’s garbage.

(pregnant pause while both are staring at the two Drs.)

Betty: Alright you guys, take care.

Jodi: Alright. Yeah. You two love birds take care. Do yah thing. Buh-bye!

Betty: Bye bye!

(Two Drs. Stand up.)

Dr. Joseph Humphries: We are not in love.

Dr. Cora Reynolds: …What? We’re not?

(Two women chatter about stuff until lights go down)

Submitted by: Lauren Leasure

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x