Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 13
Betty Caruso…..Amy Poehler
Jodi Deitz…..Maya Rudolph
Dr. Joseph Humphries…..Forrest Whitaker
Dr. Cora Reynolds…..Kristen Wiig
Voice of Frankie…..
(Lots and lots of chatter.)
Betty: Hello, Hello. Whoo! This is Bronx Beat. Im Betty. This is Jody.
Jodi: Im Jody.
Betty: God Why did we do this show today?
Jodi: I dont even know. What is this show? I honestly have no idea. You know, when I left the house this morning, it was pitch dark outside. There was nary a person on the streets.
Betty: Nobody but nurses and drunks.
Jodi: Nurses and drunks.
Betty: Its freezing out. Im cold! Im depressed. What do you call that season
Jodi: The Winds of Time.
Betty: The winds of time. Yes.
Jodi: You know, I wish I was a bear so I can sleep and wake up in the Spring.
Betty: Yeah, just hibernate.
Jodi: I wanna go into one of those Bear comas. You know, wake me when its ova.
Betty: You know if I hibernated, if I went into a bear coma, you know whatd happen to my husband? He would starve to death.
Jodi: Yeah, my husband thinks the microwave is a big clock.
Betty: Ah, stupid. Stupid. You know Wake me when its summa. You know what? Im grouchy today.
Jodi: You are grouchy.
Betty: Im grouchy.
Jodi: You know what? Im grouchy.
Betty: Were allowed to be grouchy. Be grouchy. Be good to yourself. You only live once and the way things are going these days, the whole worlds gonna blow up.
Jodi: You know, everybody in my house is sick.
Betty: You know what people dont know how to do at my house, they dont know how to use a Kleenex. Its disgusting.
Jodi: Disgusting. Ugh. So many germs. Id pay a million dollars for someone to come to my house and get rid of all the germs.
Jodi: My house is germ city.
Betty: Yeah, what would they use? How could you get rid of all the germs in your house? Gallons of Purell? Hot blowas? Its not gonna work.
Jodi: I dont know. It doesnt matta.
Betty: You know what I saw on TV?
Betty: There are bugs that live in yah eyelids and you can neva get them out.
Jodi: Its gross. Geeze. Now, I gotta add that to my list of worries.
Betty: Yah eyelids are the bugs house.
Betty: Its garbage.
Jodi: What are you gonna even tell me that for? Its disgusting!
Betty: Alright, Alright. We have guests! Plural. Here we go.
Jodi: Oh God, theres two of em?
Betty: yeah, two. God, alright. Just bring them out.
Jodi: Just bring them out.
Betty: Just bring them out. Get it over with. .I cant read this. You need to type these names.
Jodi: I was half asleep when I got here this morning. My hand was frozen, like a claw position.
Betty: Is this an S or a 5?
Jodi: Who knows? How am I supposed to know?
Betty: I cant even read it. Oh.. Dr. JosephOh! Youre already here.
Jodi: Sneakin up on us.
Betty: Alright, so. Where are you from?
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Were from the New York blood center and we launching our Bronx community blood program to help increase the level of blood donations in the Bronx.
Jodi: Ugh. Stop sayin blood.
Betty: Yah makin me sick.
Jodi: Im gonna faint.
Betty: I cant even look at a sewing needle.
Jodi: Oh God. . All of these medical shows They make me sick. I cant even watch Scrubs.
Betty: Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. Go ahead.
Dr. Cora Reynolds: Joe and I will be at North Central Bronx hospital in the nurses residence Sunday from 12 to —
Jodi: So, how long yah been married?
Dr. Cora Reynolds: Oh, oh.. Were not married. I mean.. not to each other. Hes married. (Nervous)
Betty: Not for long.
(Both Better and Jodi smile and nod at them for a bit.)
Betty: Because, guess what? . He loves you.
Jodi: He loves you.
Betty: He loooves you. Look at the way hes smiling at you! Va va vooom!
Jodi: Love birds!
Betty: Love birds! Look at how hes smiling.
Jodi: Theyre in love!
Betty: Theyre in love!
Jodi: The feeling is mutual. Shes got oogily eyes for him.
Betty: Hes adorable!
Dr. Joseph Humphries: We have a great deal of respect for each other, but were strictly coworkers.
Dr. Cora Reynolds: Yes, yes. Strictly professional.
Betty: Sure. Thats what youre going with. Alright. Yup.
Betty: So Blood drive. ..Ugh. Blood drive.
Jodi: Ugh. Thats two things I hate. Blood and driving.
Betty: Ugh! .You know what world I hate? .Hemoglobin.
Jodi: Ew. Gross.
Betty: It doesnt make any sense. It makes me sick.
Dr. Joseph Humphries: We started the program a few months ago and were very excited–
Jodi: Let me ask yah something. You two share an office?
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Well, there are a few of us in the office.
Betty: Ah, close quarters.
Jodi: Uh huh. Long hours.
Betty: Yup. Drinks after work.
Jodi: You know the last time I had a romantic drink with my husband? Nineteen Eighty-Neva. You know where he takes me to eat? Chez Nowhere. ..It drives me nuts. I hate him, but you know what? I love him. (starts getting emotional)
Betty: Oh god. Here she goes.
Jodi: And my two daughters. And my son. Hes a good man.
Betty: Very emotional now. God.
Jodi: I know.
Betty: Alright. Anyway. Blood Drive. Go.
Jodi: Blood drive.
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Yes, please. Come down. Donate blood. Its easier than you think.
Betty: Hey. Let me pass something on to you two Love has no color.
Jodi: Shes right. Color of yah skin Doesnt matta.
Betty: I dated a Puerto Rican once. I met him at a Yankees game. He was handing out nuts. Drove my parents bonkas.
Jodi: Sexy! I didnt know that.
Betty: He was a good kissa. God. Such a good kissa. Not like my husband Ugh! Kissing my husband is like kissing nothing.
Jodi: Tell me about it.
Betty: Its like kissing a dead fish. Id rather read a book. Id rather kiss a book!
Jodi: I bet you two smash your faces together each chance you get. Let me tell yah something. You are gonna open your desk, and theres gonna be a secret present in there and guess what? Its. From. Him.
Betty: Bingo, Jodi. He loves you!
Jodi: Hes in love with you!
Betty: Lookit! Hes loving on you! Go ahead. Kiss her.
Jodi: Yeah, noone is watching this show. Just kiss her.
Betty: Kiss her! Noones watching.
Jodi: Just do it!
Betty: Just kiss each other! . Were pressuring them. Were pressuring them. Alright. Take your time. Take your time. Love needs time. Alright. How do we take a call? How do we do this?
Jodi: Ugh, I dunno. Just press a button.
Betty: This is stupid! These buttons!
Jodi: Thing thing drives me nuts.
Frankie (voice): Ma? I threw up.
Jodi: Aww, its little Frankie. Aww, you threw up? Alright, where are you?
Frankie (voice): I threw up on your bedspread.
Betty: Aww, your bedspread is beautiful.
Jodi: Aww , poor baby. Sweeetie, tell your daddy to get you some flat ginger ale. Where is your father?
Frankie (voice): In the garage.
Jodi: Unbelievable. Hes unbelievable. Hes in the garage, making his own beer.
Betty: Ugh! Grow up. So, stupid.
Jodi: Alright. Bye Frankie. Go get your dumb father. Ugh!
Betty: Oh, God. Sooo You two are doctas. Whats Frankie got? The flu?
Dr. Joseph Humphries: Maybe?
Jodi: Yeah. Whats Frankie got? The flu?
Betty: Chicken Flu?
Jodi: Stomach Flu?
Betty: Bird Flu?
Jodi: Chicken Flu?
Betty: Super Flu?
Jodi: Mega Flu?
Betty: Mega Mega Flu?
Jodi: Supa Dupa Flu?
Betty: I tell yah. Ill tell yah what everyone does have Bugs in yah eyelids.
Jodi: Ick. Freaky.
Betty: Its disgusting. Its garbage.
(pregnant pause while both are staring at the two Drs.)
Betty: Alright you guys, take care.
Jodi: Alright. Yeah. You two love birds take care. Do yah thing. Buh-bye!
Betty: Bye bye!
(Two Drs. Stand up.)
Dr. Joseph Humphries: We are not in love.
Dr. Cora Reynolds: What? Were not?
(Two women chatter about stuff until lights go down)
Submitted by: Lauren Leasure