Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 13
Am I A Crazy Street Person?
Speed Pendleton…..Jason Sudeikis
Claire Brinkley…..Kristen Wiig
Alex Grenki…..Forest Whitaker
Gary Blinz…..Fred Armisen
Eddie Van Milkser…..Will Forte
Sam Fantastic…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on game show set ]
Announcer: Welcome back to the ONLY game show that asks the question: [ title zooms in ] “Am I A Crazy Street Person?” And now, your host — Speed Pendleton!
[ Speed comes running onto the set, chuckling heartily ]
Speed Pendleton: Alright! Welcome to the show! Let’s meet our contestants!
[ show Claire Brinkley ]
Speed Pendleton: She’s a mother of two, from San Diego, California — please welcome, Claire Brinkley!
Claire Brinkley: Hi, Speed!
[ show Alex Grenki ]
Speed Pendleton: And — he’s an entrepreneur, ALSO from San Diego — Alex Grenki!
Alex Grenki: Hey, Speed!
Speed Pendleton: Both from San Diego — nice coincidence!
Claire Brinkley: [ to Alex ] You actually look familiar.
Alex Grenki: Great!
Speed Pendleton: Contestants — contestants, you know how the game works. A mystery guest will come out and tell you their profession. You ask them questions, and then decide: “Are they telling the truth, or are they a crazy street person?” Let’s bring out our first mystery guest. His name is Gary Blinz, and he claims to be a sea captain.
[ music plays, as Gary steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in tattered seaman’s clothing. ]
Gary Blinz: Ahoy there!
Speed Pendleton: Alright, Claire — you have the first question.
Claire Brinkley: How long have you been a sea captain?
Gary Blinz: [ clutching a seaman’s pipe ] I have been a ski captain from the day I graduated from the esteemed Sea Captain Academy in Hastings, England, United Kingdom.
Speed Pendleton: Alex.
Alex Grenki: Do you like the sea?
Gary Blinz: I like the sea VERY much!
Claire Brinkley: Where’s the ship’s bow?
Gary Blinz: Wherever the captain says it is! [ lets out a boisterous nervous laugh ]
[ Alex is also laughing ]
Alex Grenki: What’s the ocean like?
Gary Blinz: It’s very nice.
Claire Brinkley: Name an ocean.
Gary Blinz: [ thinking, comes up with nothing ] Pass!
Alex Grenki: How big is your boat?
Gary Blinz: It’s the size of a cardboard refrigerator box.
[ bell dings ]
Speed Pendleton: Okay. Let’s make your guesses. Is he a sea captain, or a crazy street person? [ Claire and Alex write down their answers, as the timer sounds ] Alright. Claire, you guessed: [ Claire holds up her card ] “Crazy.” and, Alex, you said: [ Alex holds up his card ] “Sea Captain.” The right answer is: CRAZY!! [ steps over to Alex’s podium ] Alright. So, Alex, uh — [ Gary walks across the stage to exit ] What the heck? [ continues ] Alex, what made you say Sea Captain?
Alex Grenki: Well, he liked the sea.
Speed Pendleton: [ shakes his head ] He couldn’t name an ocean.
Alex Grenki: I’ll get him next time!cI don’t doubt it! Well, let’s bring him out. He says he’s a spaceman — Eddie Van Milkser!
[ music plays, as Eddie steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in what looks like a homemade space costume. ]
Eddie Van Milkser: Hel-lo there!
Alex Grenki: [ excited ] Ohhh! A spaceman!
Speed Pendleton: Ah, not so fast. Let’s, uh — let’s ask some questions first, alright? Alex, it’s your turn.
Alex Grenki: [ to Gary ] What is it like being a spaceman?
Eddie Van Milkser: It’s the thrill of a life-time!
Claire Brinkley: [ poker-faced ] Were you born in space?
Eddie Van Milkser: I was born in Cleve-land and MOVED to space!
Alex Grenki: Are you friends with other spacemen?
Eddie Van Milkser: Yes! We ALL live to-geth-er — it’s a ZOO!
Alex Grenki: Is that the outfit you wear in space?
Eddie Van Milkser: [ angry ] I don’t like your TONE!!
Alex Grenki: What’s your favorite animal at the zoo?
Eddie Van Milkser: The wooly bear. It’s a creature I brought back from Mars — half-bear, half-Garbouli bean!
Claire Brinkley: [ smiles ] I don’t need my last question.Eddie Van Milkser: Alright, well, let’s write down your answers! [ Claire and Alex write down their answers ] Spaceman, or Crazy Street Person? Hmmmm.. [ timer sounds ] Alright, Claire guessed: [ Claire holds up her card ] “Crazy.” And Alex guessed: [ Alex holds up his card ] “Spaceman and also my hero.” Alright. and the answer was: CRAZY!! Claire, what have him away?
Claire Brinkley: Well, he’s wearing a tin foil helmet —
Speed Pendleton: Uh-huh.
Claire Brinkley: And he yelled at me —
Speed Pendleton: Yeah.
Claire Brinkley: And there’s no such thing as a spaceman.
Speed Pendleton: Makes sense to me! [ smiles ] Well, don’t worry, Alex, ’cause in the last round the points are doubled.
Claire Brinkley: Speed, can I talk to you?
Speed Pendleton: [ taken aback ] Uh — sure. Go ahead.
Claire Brinkley: [ to Alex ] Excuse me. [ steps over to Speed ] I know where I recognize Alex from — he’s on flyers all over town. He escaped from the institution.
Speed Pendleton: You sure that’s him?
[ Alex wanders over ]
Alex Grenki: What are you guys talking about?
Speed Pendleton: I —
Claire Brinkley: N-nothing.
Speed Pendleton: The score! [ laughs, as Alex returns to his podium ] Well, it’ll be over soon, so —
Claire Brinkley: Okay. [ returns to her podium ]
Speed Pendleton: Let’s bring out our next stranger. He’s Sam Fantastic, and he’s a VERY important businessman!
[ music plays, as Sam steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in a dirty business suit, with wild hair and a crooked cigarette dangling from his mouth. ]
Sam Fantastic: Well! Hello, y’all! I ask only that we make this quick! ‘Cause I am on my way to a very importantest business meeting!
Claire Brinkley: Alex can have my questions.
Speed Pendleton: Alright.
Alex Grenki: What business are you in?
Speed Pendleton: Importantest business!
Alex Grenki: [ chuckles ] You aren’t gonna fool me this time! That’s a businessman!
Claire Brinkley: No, it’s NOT!!
[ bell dings ]
Speed Pendleton: You are CORRECT, Claire!! Which means YOU go to the Bonus Round!! And, Alex, I’m sorry — you get our home game!
Alex Grenki: [ excited ] YES!! YES!! BONUS ROUND, let’s go!
Speed Pendleton: No, no — no, Alex, you lost.
Alex Grenki: [ confused ] But how can I have lost? I invented the telphone.
Sam Fantastic: Did you say.. tele-ma-phone?
Alex Grenki: Yes!
Sam Fantastic: Wow! You are the very kind of man I would like to be in business with! Care to join me at my meeting?
Alex Grenki: [ happy ] Yes! Let’s stop for Jell-o on the way! [ steps past Claire and gyrates behind her ] YES!! YES!! Yes, yes, yes!!
[ Alex and Sam walk off together ]
Speed Pendleton: I am so sorry about that.
Claire Brinkley: I am definitely suing.
Speed Pendleton: I would if I were you.
[ fade ]