SNL Transcripts: Forest Whitaker: 02/10/07: Am I A Crazy Street Person?

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 13

06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

Am I A Crazy Street Person?

Speed Pendleton…..Jason Sudeikis
Claire Brinkley…..Kristen Wiig
Alex Grenki…..Forest Whitaker
Gary Blinz…..Fred Armisen
Eddie Van Milkser…..Will Forte
Sam Fantastic…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on game show set ]

Announcer: Welcome back to the ONLY game show that asks the question: [ title zooms in ] “Am I A Crazy Street Person?” And now, your host — Speed Pendleton!

[ Speed comes running onto the set, chuckling heartily ]

Speed Pendleton: Alright! Welcome to the show! Let’s meet our contestants!

[ show Claire Brinkley ]

Speed Pendleton: She’s a mother of two, from San Diego, California — please welcome, Claire Brinkley!

Claire Brinkley: Hi, Speed!

[ show Alex Grenki ]

Speed Pendleton: And — he’s an entrepreneur, ALSO from San Diego — Alex Grenki!

Alex Grenki: Hey, Speed!

Speed Pendleton: Both from San Diego — nice coincidence!

Claire Brinkley: [ to Alex ] You actually look familiar.

Alex Grenki: Great!

Speed Pendleton: Contestants — contestants, you know how the game works. A mystery guest will come out and tell you their profession. You ask them questions, and then decide: “Are they telling the truth, or are they a crazy street person?” Let’s bring out our first mystery guest. His name is Gary Blinz, and he claims to be a sea captain.

[ music plays, as Gary steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in tattered seaman’s clothing. ]

Gary Blinz: Ahoy there!

Speed Pendleton: Alright, Claire — you have the first question.

Claire Brinkley: How long have you been a sea captain?

Gary Blinz: [ clutching a seaman’s pipe ] I have been a ski captain from the day I graduated from the esteemed Sea Captain Academy in Hastings, England, United Kingdom.

Speed Pendleton: Alex.

Alex Grenki: Do you like the sea?

Gary Blinz: I like the sea VERY much!

Claire Brinkley: Where’s the ship’s bow?

Gary Blinz: Wherever the captain says it is! [ lets out a boisterous nervous laugh ] [ Alex is also laughing ]

Alex Grenki: What’s the ocean like?

Gary Blinz: It’s very nice.

Claire Brinkley: Name an ocean.

Gary Blinz: [ thinking, comes up with nothing ] Pass!

Alex Grenki: How big is your boat?

Gary Blinz: It’s the size of a cardboard refrigerator box.

[ bell dings ]

Speed Pendleton: Okay. Let’s make your guesses. Is he a sea captain, or a crazy street person? [ Claire and Alex write down their answers, as the timer sounds ] Alright. Claire, you guessed: [ Claire holds up her card ] “Crazy.” and, Alex, you said: [ Alex holds up his card ] “Sea Captain.” The right answer is: CRAZY!! [ steps over to Alex’s podium ] Alright. So, Alex, uh — [ Gary walks across the stage to exit ] What the heck? [ continues ] Alex, what made you say Sea Captain?

Alex Grenki: Well, he liked the sea.

Speed Pendleton: [ shakes his head ] He couldn’t name an ocean.

Alex Grenki: I’ll get him next time!cI don’t doubt it! Well, let’s bring him out. He says he’s a spaceman — Eddie Van Milkser!

[ music plays, as Eddie steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in what looks like a homemade space costume. ]

Eddie Van Milkser: Hel-lo there!

Alex Grenki: [ excited ] Ohhh! A spaceman!

Speed Pendleton: Ah, not so fast. Let’s, uh — let’s ask some questions first, alright? Alex, it’s your turn.

Alex Grenki: [ to Gary ] What is it like being a spaceman?

Eddie Van Milkser: It’s the thrill of a life-time!

Claire Brinkley: [ poker-faced ] Were you born in space?

Eddie Van Milkser: I was born in Cleve-land and MOVED to space!

Alex Grenki: Are you friends with other spacemen?

Eddie Van Milkser: Yes! We ALL live to-geth-er — it’s a ZOO!

Alex Grenki: Is that the outfit you wear in space?

Eddie Van Milkser: [ angry ] I don’t like your TONE!!

Alex Grenki: What’s your favorite animal at the zoo?

Eddie Van Milkser: The wooly bear. It’s a creature I brought back from Mars — half-bear, half-Garbouli bean!

Claire Brinkley: [ smiles ] I don’t need my last question.Eddie Van Milkser: Alright, well, let’s write down your answers! [ Claire and Alex write down their answers ] Spaceman, or Crazy Street Person? Hmmmm.. [ timer sounds ] Alright, Claire guessed: [ Claire holds up her card ] “Crazy.” And Alex guessed: [ Alex holds up his card ] “Spaceman and also my hero.” Alright. and the answer was: CRAZY!! Claire, what have him away?

Claire Brinkley: Well, he’s wearing a tin foil helmet —

Speed Pendleton: Uh-huh.

Claire Brinkley: And he yelled at me —

Speed Pendleton: Yeah.

Claire Brinkley: And there’s no such thing as a spaceman.

Speed Pendleton: Makes sense to me! [ smiles ] Well, don’t worry, Alex, ’cause in the last round the points are doubled.

Claire Brinkley: Speed, can I talk to you?

Speed Pendleton: [ taken aback ] Uh — sure. Go ahead.

Claire Brinkley: [ to Alex ] Excuse me. [ steps over to Speed ] I know where I recognize Alex from — he’s on flyers all over town. He escaped from the institution.

Speed Pendleton: You sure that’s him?

[ Alex wanders over ]

Alex Grenki: What are you guys talking about?

Speed Pendleton: I —

Claire Brinkley: N-nothing.

Speed Pendleton: The score! [ laughs, as Alex returns to his podium ] Well, it’ll be over soon, so —

Claire Brinkley: Okay. [ returns to her podium ]

Speed Pendleton: Let’s bring out our next stranger. He’s Sam Fantastic, and he’s a VERY important businessman!

[ music plays, as Sam steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in a dirty business suit, with wild hair and a crooked cigarette dangling from his mouth. ]

Sam Fantastic: Well! Hello, y’all! I ask only that we make this quick! ‘Cause I am on my way to a very importantest business meeting!

Claire Brinkley: Alex can have my questions.

Speed Pendleton: Alright.

Alex Grenki: What business are you in?

Speed Pendleton: Importantest business!

Alex Grenki: [ chuckles ] You aren’t gonna fool me this time! That’s a businessman!

Claire Brinkley: No, it’s NOT!!

[ bell dings ]

Speed Pendleton: You are CORRECT, Claire!! Which means YOU go to the Bonus Round!! And, Alex, I’m sorry — you get our home game!

Alex Grenki: [ excited ] YES!! YES!! BONUS ROUND, let’s go!

Speed Pendleton: No, no — no, Alex, you lost.

Alex Grenki: [ confused ] But how can I have lost? I invented the telphone.

Sam Fantastic: Did you say.. tele-ma-phone?

Alex Grenki: Yes!

Sam Fantastic: Wow! You are the very kind of man I would like to be in business with! Care to join me at my meeting?

Alex Grenki: [ happy ] Yes! Let’s stop for Jell-o on the way! [ steps past Claire and gyrates behind her ] YES!! YES!! Yes, yes, yes!!

[ Alex and Sam walk off together ]

Speed Pendleton: I am so sorry about that.

Claire Brinkley: I am definitely suing.

Speed Pendleton: I would if I were you.

[ fade ]

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