SNL Transcripts: Forest Whitaker: 02/10/07: Am I A Crazy Street Person?



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 13











06m: Forest Whitaker / Keith Urban

Am I A Crazy Street Person?

Speed Pendleton…..Jason Sudeikis
Claire Brinkley…..Kristen Wiig
Alex Grenki…..Forest Whitaker
Gary Blinz…..Fred Armisen
Eddie Van Milkser…..Will Forte
Sam Fantastic…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on game show set ]

Announcer: Welcome back to the ONLY game show that asks the question: [ title zooms in ] “Am I A Crazy Street Person?” And now, your host — Speed Pendleton!

[ Speed comes running onto the set, chuckling heartily ]

Speed Pendleton: Alright! Welcome to the show! Let’s meet our contestants!

[ show Claire Brinkley ]

Speed Pendleton: She’s a mother of two, from San Diego, California — please welcome, Claire Brinkley!

Claire Brinkley: Hi, Speed!

[ show Alex Grenki ]

Speed Pendleton: And — he’s an entrepreneur, ALSO from San Diego — Alex Grenki!

Alex Grenki: Hey, Speed!

Speed Pendleton: Both from San Diego — nice coincidence!

Claire Brinkley: [ to Alex ] You actually look familiar.

Alex Grenki: Great!

Speed Pendleton: Contestants — contestants, you know how the game works. A mystery guest will come out and tell you their profession. You ask them questions, and then decide: “Are they telling the truth, or are they a crazy street person?” Let’s bring out our first mystery guest. His name is Gary Blinz, and he claims to be a sea captain.

[ music plays, as Gary steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in tattered seaman’s clothing. ]

Gary Blinz: Ahoy there!

Speed Pendleton: Alright, Claire — you have the first question.

Claire Brinkley: How long have you been a sea captain?

Gary Blinz: [ clutching a seaman’s pipe ] I have been a ski captain from the day I graduated from the esteemed Sea Captain Academy in Hastings, England, United Kingdom.

Speed Pendleton: Alex.

Alex Grenki: Do you like the sea?

Gary Blinz: I like the sea VERY much!

Claire Brinkley: Where’s the ship’s bow?

Gary Blinz: Wherever the captain says it is! [ lets out a boisterous nervous laugh ] [ Alex is also laughing ]

Alex Grenki: What’s the ocean like?

Gary Blinz: It’s very nice.

Claire Brinkley: Name an ocean.

Gary Blinz: [ thinking, comes up with nothing ] Pass!

Alex Grenki: How big is your boat?

Gary Blinz: It’s the size of a cardboard refrigerator box.

[ bell dings ]

Speed Pendleton: Okay. Let’s make your guesses. Is he a sea captain, or a crazy street person? [ Claire and Alex write down their answers, as the timer sounds ] Alright. Claire, you guessed: [ Claire holds up her card ] “Crazy.” and, Alex, you said: [ Alex holds up his card ] “Sea Captain.” The right answer is: CRAZY!! [ steps over to Alex’s podium ] Alright. So, Alex, uh — [ Gary walks across the stage to exit ] What the heck? [ continues ] Alex, what made you say Sea Captain?

Alex Grenki: Well, he liked the sea.

Speed Pendleton: [ shakes his head ] He couldn’t name an ocean.

Alex Grenki: I’ll get him next time!cI don’t doubt it! Well, let’s bring him out. He says he’s a spaceman — Eddie Van Milkser!

[ music plays, as Eddie steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in what looks like a homemade space costume. ]

Eddie Van Milkser: Hel-lo there!

Alex Grenki: [ excited ] Ohhh! A spaceman!

Speed Pendleton: Ah, not so fast. Let’s, uh — let’s ask some questions first, alright? Alex, it’s your turn.

Alex Grenki: [ to Gary ] What is it like being a spaceman?

Eddie Van Milkser: It’s the thrill of a life-time!

Claire Brinkley: [ poker-faced ] Were you born in space?

Eddie Van Milkser: I was born in Cleve-land and MOVED to space!

Alex Grenki: Are you friends with other spacemen?

Eddie Van Milkser: Yes! We ALL live to-geth-er — it’s a ZOO!

Alex Grenki: Is that the outfit you wear in space?

Eddie Van Milkser: [ angry ] I don’t like your TONE!!

Alex Grenki: What’s your favorite animal at the zoo?

Eddie Van Milkser: The wooly bear. It’s a creature I brought back from Mars — half-bear, half-Garbouli bean!

Claire Brinkley: [ smiles ] I don’t need my last question.Eddie Van Milkser: Alright, well, let’s write down your answers! [ Claire and Alex write down their answers ] Spaceman, or Crazy Street Person? Hmmmm.. [ timer sounds ] Alright, Claire guessed: [ Claire holds up her card ] “Crazy.” And Alex guessed: [ Alex holds up his card ] “Spaceman and also my hero.” Alright. and the answer was: CRAZY!! Claire, what have him away?

Claire Brinkley: Well, he’s wearing a tin foil helmet —

Speed Pendleton: Uh-huh.

Claire Brinkley: And he yelled at me —

Speed Pendleton: Yeah.

Claire Brinkley: And there’s no such thing as a spaceman.

Speed Pendleton: Makes sense to me! [ smiles ] Well, don’t worry, Alex, ’cause in the last round the points are doubled.

Claire Brinkley: Speed, can I talk to you?

Speed Pendleton: [ taken aback ] Uh — sure. Go ahead.

Claire Brinkley: [ to Alex ] Excuse me. [ steps over to Speed ] I know where I recognize Alex from — he’s on flyers all over town. He escaped from the institution.

Speed Pendleton: You sure that’s him?

[ Alex wanders over ]

Alex Grenki: What are you guys talking about?

Speed Pendleton: I —

Claire Brinkley: N-nothing.

Speed Pendleton: The score! [ laughs, as Alex returns to his podium ] Well, it’ll be over soon, so —

Claire Brinkley: Okay. [ returns to her podium ]

Speed Pendleton: Let’s bring out our next stranger. He’s Sam Fantastic, and he’s a VERY important businessman!

[ music plays, as Sam steps out from behind a curtain. He’s dressed in a dirty business suit, with wild hair and a crooked cigarette dangling from his mouth. ]

Sam Fantastic: Well! Hello, y’all! I ask only that we make this quick! ‘Cause I am on my way to a very importantest business meeting!

Claire Brinkley: Alex can have my questions.

Speed Pendleton: Alright.

Alex Grenki: What business are you in?

Speed Pendleton: Importantest business!

Alex Grenki: [ chuckles ] You aren’t gonna fool me this time! That’s a businessman!

Claire Brinkley: No, it’s NOT!!

[ bell dings ]

Speed Pendleton: You are CORRECT, Claire!! Which means YOU go to the Bonus Round!! And, Alex, I’m sorry — you get our home game!

Alex Grenki: [ excited ] YES!! YES!! BONUS ROUND, let’s go!

Speed Pendleton: No, no — no, Alex, you lost.

Alex Grenki: [ confused ] But how can I have lost? I invented the telphone.

Sam Fantastic: Did you say.. tele-ma-phone?

Alex Grenki: Yes!

Sam Fantastic: Wow! You are the very kind of man I would like to be in business with! Care to join me at my meeting?

Alex Grenki: [ happy ] Yes! Let’s stop for Jell-o on the way! [ steps past Claire and gyrates behind her ] YES!! YES!! Yes, yes, yes!!

[ Alex and Sam walk off together ]

Speed Pendleton: I am so sorry about that.

Claire Brinkley: I am definitely suing.

Speed Pendleton: I would if I were you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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