SNL Transcripts: Rainn Wilson: 02/24/07: Introverts


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 14

06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire


Neil…..Will Forte
Jean…..Kristen Wiig
Oliver…..Rainn Wilson

[open on exterior of office building] [dissolve to interior office]

Neil: And, uh, this is the copy machine. It’s, uh, where we do the lion’s share of our copying.

Jean: It’s a really great machine. It uses lasers.

Neil: Yeah. Just take your document and place the side that you’d like to copy face-down on the glass. [he takes a piece of paper from on top of the copier and places it on the glass as described]

Jean: It’s got to be face-down, or the copy is liable to end up blank.

Neil: Once it’s, uh, positioned on the glass, you close the lid and press the green button.

Jean: The rule of thumb that I use to remember its function is that it’s just like a traffic light. Green means “copy go” and red means “copy stop.”

Neil: Yes. It also has the words “copy start” and “copy stop” written on the respective buttons, and that seems to be a fairly effective failsafe.

Oliver: Neil, Jean, thank you so much for showing me around. I’d be absolutely lost today without your help.

Jean: Neil, why don’t we show him the ball-point pens?

Neil: That’s a great idea, Jean. [he takes a pen from a box on a shelf] Oliver, say you want to make a letter or a number, okay? Just remove the pen cap [he does so] and touch the ink-laden portion of the pen to any kind of paper source. [he picks up a paper pad and starts to demonstrate]

Oliver: Oh, I hate to interrupt, um, but I am quite aware of how to use a pen. [Jean chuckles] Oh, wait a minute…

Neil: Welcome to the office, new guy.

Jean: You’ve been hazed.

Oliver: [chortles extendedly] That was really fun. Thank you. That was hysterical.

Neil: Now, if you’re going to work in this office, you’ll need a pretty high threshold for tomfoolery.

Oliver: I am beginning to get the picture.

Jean: Well, let me know when you get it. I know a great frame store.

[Neil, Oliver, and Jean laugh]

Oliver: That is maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my whole entire life.

Jean: Oliver, thank you!

Oliver: But all of this laughter has made my throat as dry as an Airzona driveway.

Neil: Well, then, let’s go to the water cooler.

[they walk across the room to the cooler]

Jean: Spent a lot of time around this little water cooler.

Neil: Do you know that in olden times, [Jean gets some water in a paper cup] before the water cooler was invented, people had to get their water [Oliver gets some water in a paper cup] from a pond or an aqueduct? That’s interesting finformation. [Neil gets some water in a paper cup]

Jean: That’s odd. This water tastes different.

Neil: Jean, I don’t notice a difference.

Jean: Well, I’m quite sure it’s warmer than usual. Possibly five degrees worth.

Oliver: Five degrees, are you sure?

Jean: I would swear on a stack of Bible books.

Neil: Jean, that’s the Lord’s message!

Jean: Oh, sorry, Neil, but–mess it–how am I supposed to take my fish oil pill?

Oliver: Fish oil pill? I take a daily shark cartilege pill!

Neil: Well, it looks like you guys have found common ground in fish-based pills. Oliver, I’m sure that you and I will soon find something in common, too. [puts his hand briefly on Oliver’s shoulder]

Jean: What are we gonna do about the water temperature?

Neil: What if the two of you were to cool your water with some ice? There are some cubes left over from Friday’s Pepsi party.

Jean: Oh, I don’t know.

Neil: Relax, Jean. Just add one cube at a time until you hit your desired temperature, five degrees cooler than it is right now.

Jean: Well, how will I know when that is?

Oliver: I always use my finger as a thermometer.

Jean: Oh, I’m not going to drink my water after my finger’s been in there.

Oliver: Oh.

Neil: Just clean your fingers first.

Jean: Well, with what? I can’t use soap; my water will taste soapy.

Oliver: Well, as it happens, I always carry a flask of grain alcohol. [he produces the flask] Maybe we can use that.

Neil: That certainly would kill a lot of germs. But, Jean, would you object to having the taste of grain alcohol in your water?

Jean: Well, it’s certainly better than soap.

Oliver: Well, then, it’s settled.

Jean: I have an idea. Why don’t we bypass the water completely and use the grain alcohol to wash down our pills?

Neil: Jean, you’re like an idea machine today.

Oliver: All right, bottoms up!

[Oliver pours the alcohol into the paper cups] [zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances from 9:30 to 11:00 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office]

Neil: And then, once that operation is complete, I will officially be a woman. Oliver, you and I will be married in a small ceremony. But I still won’t be able to carry a child. That’s where Jean comes in. Jean would take…

[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 12:15 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office]

Oliver: And after the baby is born, we’ll sell it for money to open up a pornography store. And with the earnings from that pornography store, we’ll buy all the meth that we can get our hands on. And then…

[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 1:50 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office, with Jean, Oliver, and Neil all naked and pixillated from the waist up]

Jean: You just place the paper in the hole puncher, line it up, and you just press down. [she does so]

Oliver: Hmmm.

[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 3:15 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office, with Jean, Oliver, and Neil now clothed as before]

Neil: And with those latex molds, we can make hundreds, maybe thousands of penises.

Oliver: Well, I think this is going to be a very fruitful working relationship.

Neil: Oh, well, look at that. It’s quitting time already.

Jean: Wait, before we leave, what time is the murder tomorrow?

Neil: Well, I was thinking about doing it on our lunch break. But we only get a half of one hour.

Oliver: A half of one hour? How can we possibly eat and still have time to strangle Caroline at reception?

Jean: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. That’s America. It’s a problem.

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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