Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 14
06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire
[open on exterior of office building] [dissolve to interior office]
Neil: And, uh, this is the copy machine. It’s, uh, where we do the lion’s share of our copying.
Jean: It’s a really great machine. It uses lasers.
Neil: Yeah. Just take your document and place the side that you’d like to copy face-down on the glass. [he takes a piece of paper from on top of the copier and places it on the glass as described]
Jean: It’s got to be face-down, or the copy is liable to end up blank.
Neil: Once it’s, uh, positioned on the glass, you close the lid and press the green button.
Jean: The rule of thumb that I use to remember its function is that it’s just like a traffic light. Green means “copy go” and red means “copy stop.”
Neil: Yes. It also has the words “copy start” and “copy stop” written on the respective buttons, and that seems to be a fairly effective failsafe.
Oliver: Neil, Jean, thank you so much for showing me around. I’d be absolutely lost today without your help.
Jean: Neil, why don’t we show him the ball-point pens?
Neil: That’s a great idea, Jean. [he takes a pen from a box on a shelf] Oliver, say you want to make a letter or a number, okay? Just remove the pen cap [he does so] and touch the ink-laden portion of the pen to any kind of paper source. [he picks up a paper pad and starts to demonstrate]
Oliver: Oh, I hate to interrupt, um, but I am quite aware of how to use a pen. [Jean chuckles] Oh, wait a minute…
Neil: Welcome to the office, new guy.
Jean: You’ve been hazed.
Oliver: [chortles extendedly] That was really fun. Thank you. That was hysterical.
Neil: Now, if you’re going to work in this office, you’ll need a pretty high threshold for tomfoolery.
Oliver: I am beginning to get the picture.
Jean: Well, let me know when you get it. I know a great frame store.
Oliver: That is maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my whole entire life.
Jean: Oliver, thank you!
Oliver: But all of this laughter has made my throat as dry as an Airzona driveway.
Neil: Well, then, let’s go to the water cooler.[they walk across the room to the cooler]
Jean: Spent a lot of time around this little water cooler.
Neil: Do you know that in olden times, [Jean gets some water in a paper cup] before the water cooler was invented, people had to get their water [Oliver gets some water in a paper cup] from a pond or an aqueduct? That’s interesting finformation. [Neil gets some water in a paper cup]
Jean: That’s odd. This water tastes different.
Neil: Jean, I don’t notice a difference.
Jean: Well, I’m quite sure it’s warmer than usual. Possibly five degrees worth.
Oliver: Five degrees, are you sure?
Jean: I would swear on a stack of Bible books.
Neil: Jean, that’s the Lord’s message!
Jean: Oh, sorry, Neil, but–mess it–how am I supposed to take my fish oil pill?
Oliver: Fish oil pill? I take a daily shark cartilege pill!
Neil: Well, it looks like you guys have found common ground in fish-based pills. Oliver, I’m sure that you and I will soon find something in common, too. [puts his hand briefly on Oliver’s shoulder]
Jean: What are we gonna do about the water temperature?
Neil: What if the two of you were to cool your water with some ice? There are some cubes left over from Friday’s Pepsi party.
Jean: Oh, I don’t know.
Neil: Relax, Jean. Just add one cube at a time until you hit your desired temperature, five degrees cooler than it is right now.
Jean: Well, how will I know when that is?
Oliver: I always use my finger as a thermometer.
Jean: Oh, I’m not going to drink my water after my finger’s been in there.
Neil: Just clean your fingers first.
Jean: Well, with what? I can’t use soap; my water will taste soapy.
Oliver: Well, as it happens, I always carry a flask of grain alcohol. [he produces the flask] Maybe we can use that.
Neil: That certainly would kill a lot of germs. But, Jean, would you object to having the taste of grain alcohol in your water?
Jean: Well, it’s certainly better than soap.
Oliver: Well, then, it’s settled.
Jean: I have an idea. Why don’t we bypass the water completely and use the grain alcohol to wash down our pills?
Neil: Jean, you’re like an idea machine today.
Oliver: All right, bottoms up![Oliver pours the alcohol into the paper cups] [zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances from 9:30 to 11:00 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office]
Neil: And then, once that operation is complete, I will officially be a woman. Oliver, you and I will be married in a small ceremony. But I still won’t be able to carry a child. That’s where Jean comes in. Jean would take…[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 12:15 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office]
Oliver: And after the baby is born, we’ll sell it for money to open up a pornography store. And with the earnings from that pornography store, we’ll buy all the meth that we can get our hands on. And then…[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 1:50 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office, with Jean, Oliver, and Neil all naked and pixillated from the waist up]
Jean: You just place the paper in the hole puncher, line it up, and you just press down. [she does so]
Oliver: Hmmm.[zoom to the analog office clock, which rapidly advances to 3:15 with staccato music, and screen effect to the office, with Jean, Oliver, and Neil now clothed as before]
Neil: And with those latex molds, we can make hundreds, maybe thousands of penises.
Oliver: Well, I think this is going to be a very fruitful working relationship.
Neil: Oh, well, look at that. It’s quitting time already.
Jean: Wait, before we leave, what time is the murder tomorrow?
Neil: Well, I was thinking about doing it on our lunch break. But we only get a half of one hour.
Oliver: A half of one hour? How can we possibly eat and still have time to strangle Caroline at reception?
Jean: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. That’s America. It’s a problem.[fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93