Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 14
Rainn Wilson’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Rainn Wilson!
Rainn Wilson: Yeah! Awright! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank so much! Thank you! Okay, great! Thanks so much! Hi there, my name’s Rainn Wilson, but, uh, many of you know me as, uh, Dwight Shrute from NBC’s “The Office.” [audience cheers ] Good.. good.. great! Gosh, I tell you, it is so exciting to be back in New York. you know, I used to be a stage actor here, and, uh, I remember dreaming about being in show business and now I’m lucky enough to be an actor. And to get the THRILL, the glamour, of going to work every day.. at an office. Sitting in a cubicle under flourescant lights, answering phones, but.. you know what? “SNL” is NOTHING like “The Office.” It’s more of what I thought show business was really like. You know – different sets, lots of costumes and lights — it’s crazy! You know what? Let me show you around a little bit.[ steps off stage and heads between the audience, pointing upward ]
Look – we’ve got a boom with a mike on the end. [ glances at an audience member ] How ya’ doin’? [ grabs at the camera focused on him ] Look – a big camera on a crane! Fantastic! [ steps into a backstage area behind the bleacher seating ] Uh, what have we got here – some pages, some union guys – hey, look at this – scaffolding! It’s fantastic. You see, it’s NOTHING like “The Office.”[ Wilson opens a door to a backstage hallway, which leads into a pre-filmed bit ]
Rainn Wilson: Oh – hey, Kristen.[ pan over to reveal Kristen Wiig, dressed and posed identically as Pam from “The Office”, on the phone ]
Kristen Wiig: “Saturday Night.” I’ll put you through.
Rainn Wilson: Wow – I didn’t know you answered phones.
Kristen Wiig: Yeah. I do a lot of things: answer phones, and.. paint pictures. [ the camera zooms in on Kristen’s frown and her hand drawing of 30 Rockefeller Center ]
Rainn Wilson: Hmm.. wow. This sounds so.. familiar. [ glances across the hall ] Jason! How you doin’?[ camera pans over to Jason at the opposite wall, who is dressed as Jim from “The Office” ]
Jason Sudeikis: Hey, Rainn.
Rainn Wilson: So, uh.. Jason, what are you up to?
Jason Sudeikis: Just.. filing my monthly invoices.
Rainn Wilson: [ confused ] What – what – what are you talking about? Why are you at a desk?
Jason Sudeikis: I’m always at a desk.
Rainn Wilson: No, you’re not!
Jason Sudeikis: [ exasperated, leans back in his chair and folds his arms ] Okay. [ camera zooms in as he smirks at the camera ]
Rainn Wilson: Wait! You just — you just looked at the camera!
Jason Sudeikis: [ shakes his head ] No, I didn’t. [ rolls his eyes at the camera ]
Rainn Wilson: No! you just did it again! You’re looking at the camera! He looked at the camera, didn’t he, Kristen?!
Kristen Wiig: I didn’t see anything. [ the camera zooms in on her face as well ]
Rainn Wilson: Now you’re doing it! Okay.. you know what? This is — okay, this is not right. This is not the way it was in rehearsal. [ begins to walk down a corridor ] A very weird deja vu thing happening — [ he passes Rashida Jones, as Karen, at a file cabinet ]
Karen: Hey, Dwight.
Rainn Wilson: Oh.. hey, Karen.. [ continues down the hall, more confused ] Okay, that’s weird.. [ stops in front of Kenan Thompson, who’s dressed as Stanley from “The Office” ] Kenan. Can you please tell me what is going on here?
Kenan Thompson: I do not know.. and I do not care. [ steps away from Wilson ]
Rainn Wilson: Okay. No help there. [ turns his head toward the other end of the hall ] Oh, thank God! Amy’s here, she’s going to explain this to me. [ stops in front of Amy Poehler, who is dressed as Angela from “The Office” ] What’s going on, Amy?
Amy Poehler: [ prudishly ] Oh. Hello, Rainn. [ covers her file folder over her chest ]
Rainn Wilson: [ professionally ] Hello. How are you?
Amy Poehler: [ a beat ] Fine.
Rainn Wilson: You look very pretty tonight.
Amy Poehler: Thank you. You’ve done a very good job this week.
Rainn Wilson: Thank you. Are you going to the after party?
Amy Poehler: I don’t think so. But I will be at the W Hotel in Room 1450. [ whispers ] And I’m not wearing any stockings. [ triumphantly steps away ]
Rainn Wilson: [ grins sheepishly at the camera, until he catches himself ] Wait! What am I doing?! This is — Lorne! [ walks over towards Lorne Michaels, who’s leaning over a water cooler ] Hey, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: Hello, Rainn.
Rainn Wilson: Listen — wh-what is going on? It seems like everybody is acting like this is “The Office.” Is that supposed to be funny?
Lorne Michaels: [ in his best Michael Scott tone ] Funny. Ask me what the most important thing in comedy is.[ the camera zooms in on the two men ]
Rainn Wilson: What’s the most important thing in —
Lorne Michaels: Timing. [ turns to face the camera with a smirk ] [ cut to a personal interview headshot of Lorne in his office ]
Lorne Michaels: Am I a funny boss? Maybe you should ask this coffee mug. [ holds up a coffee mug which reads: “World’s Funniest Boss” ] When I saw this at the store, I just had have it! [ grins ] [ cut back to Wilson, live at Home Base ]
Rainn Wilson: Okay, I don’t know what just happened, but.. you know.. we’re gonna have a GREAT show for you tonight! ARCADE FIRE IS HERE!! Yeah!! So stick around, we’ll be right back!!