Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 14
Nuni Schoener…..Fred Armisen
Rob Siefer…..Rainn Wilson
Nuni Schoener…..Maya Rudolph
Little Joe…..Andy Samberg
[open on interior of apart with doorbell ringing as Mr. Schoener arrives and opens the door to reveal Rob and Kay, the latter holding a camera]
Mr. Schoener: [with strange accent] Hi-hi.
Rob: Oh, hi. I’m Rob Siefer; we’re doing the piece for Architectural Digest.
Mr. Schoener: Oh, yes, please come in. Darling, we have visitors.
Mrs. Schoener: [from off-screen, with similar accent] Coming! [she arrives, wearing an outfit that consists of a dress on her right side and a suit jacket on her left] Oh, I was on the balcony, picking my nose.
Rob: Oh, a balcony. I’d have to take a look at that. Well, thank you again for allowing us to do a piece on your home for our magazine, Mr. Schoener.
Mr. Schoener: Oh, my father was Mr. Schoener. Please call me Nuni.
Mrs. Schoener: Yes, and please call me Nuni.
Rob: Oh, Nuni.
Mr. Schoener: No, Nuni.
Rob: Nuni, right?
Mrs. Schoener: Don’t look at him and say my name!
Rob: Nuni. I’m saying it right, right? Nuni.
Mr. Schoener: No, silly. That’s a children’s clown, Nuni. Nuni.
Kay: He’s saying Nuni.
Mrs. Schoener: No, you must spread your buttcheeks. Nuni.
Rob and Kay: [while shifting as if spreading their buttcheeks] Nuni. Nuni. Nuni. Nuni.
Mr. Schoener: Oh, who cares? We all won. Let’s take a load off.
Mrs. Schoener: Please, join us in the sitting space.[Mrs. Schoener leads them to a sitting space where she sits on a chair in which the cushion is supported by a large spring, Mr. Schoener sits astride a basketball hoop, and Kay sits on a chair that rests on a disco ball and continuously rotates]
Rob: Okay, and, uh, where do you want me?
Mrs. Schoener: Oh, please, sit right there, stupid. [she gestures towards a pile of toast]
Rob: On that pile of toast?
Mr. Schoener: Yes. Yes. It’s the Toast Chair by Ben Renaldo.
Rob: Okay. [he approaches the chair and sits cautiously and awkwardly, causing the toast to crunch loudly beneath him] All right, well–wow, it actually is toast.
Kay: [points at Rob] Rob, you’ve got butter all over your back.
Rob: Yeah, I know.
Mr. Schoener: Yeah, isn’t it greasy?
Mrs. Schoener: Yeah, take a chill pill, Roz!
Kay: Is there any way to stop my chair from spinning?
Mrs. Schoener: Absolutely not. It is a disco ball. [sings and chair-dances] Burn baby burn, disco inferno!
Mr. Schoener: Do the hustler!
Kay: Um, I’m kind of slipping off of it. Is there anywhere else I can sit?
Mrs. Schoener: You are very entertaining, sister. What is your name?
Mrs. Schoener: Laa.
Mr. Schoener: Huu.
Kay: No, it’s Kay.
Mr. Schoener: [overlapping with Mrs. Schoener] Callee. Hellee. Sisterm. Pernum. Hick.
Mrs. Schoener: [overlapping with Mr. Schoener] Relp. Drame. Yows. Yofe. Yopie. Yopie.
Rob: No, no, no, no: it’s “Kay,” like the letter K. [traces out a letter K with his finger]
Mr. Schoener: Hinnader, “Haay, like the letter haay.”
Rob: You know what? Yeah. It’s Hay, like the letter thay. So, uh, how long have you guys lived here?
Mrs. Schoener: Oh, what a little flirt you are! I am having so much fun. Let us have some snacks!
Mr. Schoener: Little Joe, bring us some snacks! Do you like cotton candy?
Rob: Uh, I actually love cotton candy.[Little Joe enters from rear archway, with blue cotton candy arrayed to mimic hair on his scalp and face]
Little Joe: [with similar accent] Who’s interested in cotton candy?
Mr. and Mrs. Schoener: [raising their hands and bouncing in their seats] Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me![Little Joe kneels down between the Schoeners and they began eating the cotton candy from his head using only their mouths]
Mr. Schoener: Save the beard for me.
Mrs. Schoener: I love the moustache! It’s the best part! Hey, Rob, you gotta get in on this!
Rob: Um, okay.[Little Joe walks over to Rob and lists his shirt to reveal that there is more cotton candy stuffed down his pants]
Little Joe: Cotton candy?
Rob: I’ll pass.
Mrs. Schoener: Aw, don’t be a girl! You love cotton candy!
Rob: [takes a tiny pinch of cotton candy and puts it to his mouth] It’s very, very delicious. Thank you.
Little Joe: There’s a lot more down there.
Rob: No, I’m good. Thank you.
Little Joe: [steps away towards the rear archway and shouts angrily] Fine! [exits]
Rob: Uh, excuse me, Nunis? Uh, may I use your rest room?
Mr. Schoener: Oh, you have to make pee-pee? Here, use this. [he grabs a long tube with a funnel from the ground and hands it to Rob]
Mrs. Schoener: It’s the Reliever by Horshack.
Rob: You mean, go right here?
Mr. Schoener: Yes, right in front of me. [puts the funnel in Rob’s crotch] [the Schoeners put on white glasses that contain opaque white panels instead of lenses]
Mrs. Schoener: We’ll put on our privacy glasses.[the Reliever makes suction sounds]
Mr. Schoener: How’s it going?
Rob: Uh, I’m all done. [to Kay] You know what, let’s get out of here. [stands] [to all] Well, I think we got enough for the story, so…
Kay: But I didn’t get any pictures yet.
Rob: Just draw some pictures or something. [Kay stands] Okay, uh, thanks so much. We’ll call you in a day or two.
Mr. Schoener: But you don’t have our number.
Rob: Great! Yeah, that’s great! Okay, so, thanks so much.[Rob and Kay exit]
Mrs. Schoener: So long, you guys! Oh, they were neat. What wonderful posture. You know what? I want Little Joe to come out here and join us.
Mr. Schoener: Yeah, let’s keep on our privacy glasses and dance to romantic music.
Mrs. Schoener: Yes.[the Schoeners stand and dance to techno music that begins to play, and are joined by Little Joe who dances as well] [fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93