SNL Transcripts: Rainn Wilson: 02/24/07: Nunis


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 14

06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire


Nuni Schoener…..Fred Armisen
Rob Siefer…..Rainn Wilson
Nuni Schoener…..Maya Rudolph
Kay…..Kristen Wiig
Little Joe…..Andy Samberg

[open on interior of apart with doorbell ringing as Mr. Schoener arrives and opens the door to reveal Rob and Kay, the latter holding a camera]

Mr. Schoener: [with strange accent] Hi-hi.

Rob: Oh, hi. I’m Rob Siefer; we’re doing the piece for Architectural Digest.

Mr. Schoener: Oh, yes, please come in. Darling, we have visitors.

Mrs. Schoener: [from off-screen, with similar accent] Coming! [she arrives, wearing an outfit that consists of a dress on her right side and a suit jacket on her left] Oh, I was on the balcony, picking my nose.

Rob: Oh, a balcony. I’d have to take a look at that. Well, thank you again for allowing us to do a piece on your home for our magazine, Mr. Schoener.

Mr. Schoener: Oh, my father was Mr. Schoener. Please call me Nuni.

Mrs. Schoener: Yes, and please call me Nuni.

Rob: Oh, Nuni.

Mr. Schoener: No, Nuni.

Rob: Nuni, right?

Mrs. Schoener: Don’t look at him and say my name!

Rob: Nuni. I’m saying it right, right? Nuni.

Mr. Schoener: No, silly. That’s a children’s clown, Nuni. Nuni.

Kay: He’s saying Nuni.

Mrs. Schoener: No, you must spread your buttcheeks. Nuni.

Rob and Kay: [while shifting as if spreading their buttcheeks] Nuni. Nuni. Nuni. Nuni.

Mr. Schoener: Oh, who cares? We all won. Let’s take a load off.

Mrs. Schoener: Please, join us in the sitting space.

[Mrs. Schoener leads them to a sitting space where she sits on a chair in which the cushion is supported by a large spring, Mr. Schoener sits astride a basketball hoop, and Kay sits on a chair that rests on a disco ball and continuously rotates]

Rob: Okay, and, uh, where do you want me?

Mrs. Schoener: Oh, please, sit right there, stupid. [she gestures towards a pile of toast]

Rob: On that pile of toast?

Mr. Schoener: Yes. Yes. It’s the Toast Chair by Ben Renaldo.

Rob: Okay. [he approaches the chair and sits cautiously and awkwardly, causing the toast to crunch loudly beneath him] All right, well–wow, it actually is toast.

Kay: [points at Rob] Rob, you’ve got butter all over your back.

Rob: Yeah, I know.

Mr. Schoener: Yeah, isn’t it greasy?

Mrs. Schoener: Yeah, take a chill pill, Roz!

Kay: Is there any way to stop my chair from spinning?

Mrs. Schoener: Absolutely not. It is a disco ball. [sings and chair-dances] Burn baby burn, disco inferno!

Mr. Schoener: Do the hustler!

Kay: Um, I’m kind of slipping off of it. Is there anywhere else I can sit?

Mrs. Schoener: You are very entertaining, sister. What is your name?

Kay: Kay.

Mrs. Schoener: Laa.

Kay: Kay.

Mr. Schoener: Huu.

Kay: No, it’s Kay.

Mr. Schoener: [overlapping with Mrs. Schoener] Callee. Hellee. Sisterm. Pernum. Hick.

Mrs. Schoener: [overlapping with Mr. Schoener] Relp. Drame. Yows. Yofe. Yopie. Yopie.

Rob: No, no, no, no: it’s “Kay,” like the letter K. [traces out a letter K with his finger]

Mr. Schoener: Hinnader, “Haay, like the letter haay.”

Rob: You know what? Yeah. It’s Hay, like the letter thay. So, uh, how long have you guys lived here?

Mrs. Schoener: Oh, what a little flirt you are! I am having so much fun. Let us have some snacks!

Mr. Schoener: Little Joe, bring us some snacks! Do you like cotton candy?

Rob: Uh, I actually love cotton candy.

[Little Joe enters from rear archway, with blue cotton candy arrayed to mimic hair on his scalp and face]

Little Joe: [with similar accent] Who’s interested in cotton candy?

Mr. and Mrs. Schoener: [raising their hands and bouncing in their seats] Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

[Little Joe kneels down between the Schoeners and they began eating the cotton candy from his head using only their mouths]

Mr. Schoener: Save the beard for me.

Mrs. Schoener: I love the moustache! It’s the best part! Hey, Rob, you gotta get in on this!

Rob: Um, okay.

[Little Joe walks over to Rob and lists his shirt to reveal that there is more cotton candy stuffed down his pants]

Little Joe: Cotton candy?

Rob: I’ll pass.

Mrs. Schoener: Aw, don’t be a girl! You love cotton candy!

Rob: [takes a tiny pinch of cotton candy and puts it to his mouth] It’s very, very delicious. Thank you.

Little Joe: There’s a lot more down there.

Rob: No, I’m good. Thank you.

Little Joe: [steps away towards the rear archway and shouts angrily] Fine! [exits]

Rob: Uh, excuse me, Nunis? Uh, may I use your rest room?

Mr. Schoener: Oh, you have to make pee-pee? Here, use this. [he grabs a long tube with a funnel from the ground and hands it to Rob]

Mrs. Schoener: It’s the Reliever by Horshack.

Rob: You mean, go right here?

Mr. Schoener: Yes, right in front of me. [puts the funnel in Rob’s crotch] [the Schoeners put on white glasses that contain opaque white panels instead of lenses]

Mrs. Schoener: We’ll put on our privacy glasses.

[the Reliever makes suction sounds]

Mr. Schoener: How’s it going?

Rob: Uh, I’m all done. [to Kay] You know what, let’s get out of here. [stands] [to all] Well, I think we got enough for the story, so…

Kay: But I didn’t get any pictures yet.

Rob: Just draw some pictures or something. [Kay stands] Okay, uh, thanks so much. We’ll call you in a day or two.

Mr. Schoener: But you don’t have our number.

Rob: Great! Yeah, that’s great! Okay, so, thanks so much.

[Rob and Kay exit]

Mrs. Schoener: So long, you guys! Oh, they were neat. What wonderful posture. You know what? I want Little Joe to come out here and join us.

Mr. Schoener: Yeah, let’s keep on our privacy glasses and dance to romantic music.

Mrs. Schoener: Yes.

[the Schoeners stand and dance to techno music that begins to play, and are joined by Little Joe who dances as well] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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