Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 14
Detective Reynolds…..Maya Rudolph
Detective Ambers…..Amy Poehler
Jerry Danko…..Rainn Wilson
Suspect 1…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, police headquarters ]
Detective Reynolds V/O: So, who is this witness that showed up?
[ dissolve to interior, police interrogation room ]
Detective Ambers: Uh, the witness is Jerry Danko.
Detective Reynolds: Oh, that creepy Peeping Tom?
Detective Ambers: Yeah. Turns out he was peeping through the curtains when the murder happened, so we’re lucky to have him.
Detective Reynolds: Oh. Well, who knows – maybe he’s not such a creep any more.
[ the door opens, as Jerry peeps in with a creepy smile ]
Jerry Danko: Hello, ladies!
Detective Ambers: Sit down, Jerry.
[ Jerry enters and sits ]
Jerry Danko: Uh – Detective Ambers, I want to begin by apologizing for all my peeping. I know it’s a problem, and I am working on it.
Detective Ambers: That’s not what you’re in here for today. You’re here to help us identify our killer.
Jerry Danko: Yes. And as soon as that is over, I am going to get some help for my horrible, horrible peeping problem!
Detective Ambers: Okay, alright. You remember Doc — uh, Detective Reynolds? She’s working on the case with me.
Jerry Danko: 1-1-5 Burrows Lane!
Detective Reynolds: [ perturbed ] How do you know where I live?
Jerry Danko: [ in a creepy tone ] From my peeping! With my incessant, non-stop PEEPING! I make myself SICK!! So SICK.. I think I’m gonna DIE!! [ a beat ] But then I peep at something, and I feel better!
Detective Reynolds: [ holds up a balled fist ] Next time you peep at me, THIS is what you’re gonna see!
Jerry Danko: Ohh, I WISH the threat of violence would stop me! But it only makes me want to peep MORE!
Detective Ambers: Alright. Enough with the peeping. How this works is: we call one of our suspects forward, and you tell us if it’s the person you saw.
Jerry Danko: Peeped! The person I peeped!
Detective Ambers: Peeped.
Jerry Danko: Right.
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step forward.
[ there’s a line of suspects on the other side of the glass. Suspect 1, on the far right, steps forward. ]
Jerry Danko: Mmmkay, this isn’t gonna work.
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step back. [ to Jerry ] What’s not going to work?
Jerry Danko: Uh, well, this is difficult, because it’s normal looking at him – as opposed to peeping – and I saw him while peeping.
Detective Ambers: So?
Jerry Danko: I have an idea. [ to Reynolds ] What if you held your jacket in front of my face? And then I could just look around it like it was a curtain? You know – peep style.
Detective Ambers: Okay. Diane?
Detective Reynolds: Alright. [ removes her jacket and holds it in front of Jerry’s face ] Okay?
Detective Ambers: Okay, you ready?
Jerry Danko: [ pleased ] Ohh, yeah! I am sooo ready!
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step foward.
[ Suspect 1 steps forward, as Jerry reaches around the side of Reynolds’ jacket to peep at him ]
Jerry Danko: Mmmmmmm..
Detective Ambers: [ impatiently ] Is that him?
Jerry Danko: Mmmmm – this isn’t quite right.
Detective Reynolds: [ angrily ] YOU’RE the one that’s not RIGHT, buddy!!
Detective Ambers: Diane! Cool it!
[ Reynolds flings her jacket through the air and lets out a disgruntled scream ]
Detective Ambers: What’s the problem now, Jerry?
Jerry Danko: Well, he’s just standing there, knowing that someone’s watching him. I can only look at someone if they don’t know I’m watching.
Detective Ambers: Oh. I don’t know how to do that, Jerry.
Jerry Danko: What if he pretended he was taking a shower?
Detective Ambers: [ shakes her head ] I can’t ask him to do that.
Jerry Danko: Well, then the murderer walks free! Good evening to you, lady police officers! [ stands ]
[ Ambers and Reynolds object ]
Detective Ambers: Sit down! Sit down, Jerry! [ into intercom ] Number 1, step forward!
[ Suspect 1 again steps forward ]
Jerry Danko: Curtain?
Detective Ambers: Diane?
Detective Reynolds: Yeah. [ place her jacket in front of Jerry’s face ]
Detective Ambers: [clears her throat, then speaks into the intercom ] Number 1.. pretend you are taking a shower.
Suspect 1: [ perplexed ] What?
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Just DO IT, Number 1~
[ Suspect 1 shrugs, then begins to clumsily mime taking a shower ]
Jerry Danko: Uh — make him sing!
Detective Ambers: Jerry – please. [ sighs ]
Jerry Danko: Make him SING again!
Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1.. sing like you’re in the shower.
Suspect 1: [ singing as he mimes showering ] “It’s in the way that you use it! It comes and it goes!”
Jerry Danko: Ohhh, yes! That’s it! Sing for me! sing for me, you big lummox! YES! I’m in total control!
Detective Ambers: Alright, alright! [ into intercom ] Number 1, step back! Jerry, did you even see the murderer?!
Jerry Danko: [ coquettishly ] Noooooo..
Detective Ambers: GET OUT OF HERE!!
Detective Reynolds: BEAT IT!!
[ Jerry rushes out of the room, leaving the two female detectives alone ]
Detective Reynolds: Oh. What now?
Detective Ambers: Ugh. [ a beat ] Wanna make out?
Detective Reynolds: Why not. No one can see us.
[ they begin to make out ]
[ the camera pans over to the frosted window of the door, as we see Jerry’s face pressed against it and watching intently, pleased ]
[ fade ]