SNL Transcripts: Rainn Wilson: 02/24/07: Peeping Tom


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 14

06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire

Peeping Tom

Detective Reynolds…..Maya Rudolph
Detective Ambers…..Amy Poehler
Jerry Danko…..Rainn Wilson
Suspect 1…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, police headquarters ]

Detective Reynolds V/O: So, who is this witness that showed up?

[ dissolve to interior, police interrogation room ]

Detective Ambers: Uh, the witness is Jerry Danko.

Detective Reynolds: Oh, that creepy Peeping Tom?

Detective Ambers: Yeah. Turns out he was peeping through the curtains when the murder happened, so we’re lucky to have him.

Detective Reynolds: Oh. Well, who knows – maybe he’s not such a creep any more.

[ the door opens, as Jerry peeps in with a creepy smile ]

Jerry Danko: Hello, ladies!

Detective Ambers: Sit down, Jerry.

[ Jerry enters and sits ]

Jerry Danko: Uh – Detective Ambers, I want to begin by apologizing for all my peeping. I know it’s a problem, and I am working on it.

Detective Ambers: That’s not what you’re in here for today. You’re here to help us identify our killer.

Jerry Danko: Yes. And as soon as that is over, I am going to get some help for my horrible, horrible peeping problem!

Detective Ambers: Okay, alright. You remember Doc — uh, Detective Reynolds? She’s working on the case with me.

Jerry Danko: 1-1-5 Burrows Lane!

Detective Reynolds: [ perturbed ] How do you know where I live?

Jerry Danko: [ in a creepy tone ] From my peeping! With my incessant, non-stop PEEPING! I make myself SICK!! So SICK.. I think I’m gonna DIE!! [ a beat ] But then I peep at something, and I feel better!

Detective Reynolds: [ holds up a balled fist ] Next time you peep at me, THIS is what you’re gonna see!

Jerry Danko: Ohh, I WISH the threat of violence would stop me! But it only makes me want to peep MORE!

Detective Ambers: Alright. Enough with the peeping. How this works is: we call one of our suspects forward, and you tell us if it’s the person you saw.

Jerry Danko: Peeped! The person I peeped!

Detective Ambers: Peeped.

Jerry Danko: Right.

Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step forward.

[ there’s a line of suspects on the other side of the glass. Suspect 1, on the far right, steps forward. ]

Jerry Danko: Mmmkay, this isn’t gonna work.

Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step back. [ to Jerry ] What’s not going to work?

Jerry Danko: Uh, well, this is difficult, because it’s normal looking at him – as opposed to peeping – and I saw him while peeping.

Detective Ambers: So?

Jerry Danko: I have an idea. [ to Reynolds ] What if you held your jacket in front of my face? And then I could just look around it like it was a curtain? You know – peep style.

Detective Ambers: Okay. Diane?

Detective Reynolds: Alright. [ removes her jacket and holds it in front of Jerry’s face ] Okay?

Detective Ambers: Okay, you ready?

Jerry Danko: [ pleased ] Ohh, yeah! I am sooo ready!

Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1, step foward.

[ Suspect 1 steps forward, as Jerry reaches around the side of Reynolds’ jacket to peep at him ]

Jerry Danko: Mmmmmmm..

Detective Ambers: [ impatiently ] Is that him?

Jerry Danko: Mmmmm – this isn’t quite right.

Detective Reynolds: [ angrily ] YOU’RE the one that’s not RIGHT, buddy!!

Detective Ambers: Diane! Cool it!

[ Reynolds flings her jacket through the air and lets out a disgruntled scream ]

Detective Ambers: What’s the problem now, Jerry?

Jerry Danko: Well, he’s just standing there, knowing that someone’s watching him. I can only look at someone if they don’t know I’m watching.

Detective Ambers: Oh. I don’t know how to do that, Jerry.

Jerry Danko: What if he pretended he was taking a shower?

Detective Ambers: [ shakes her head ] I can’t ask him to do that.

Jerry Danko: Well, then the murderer walks free! Good evening to you, lady police officers! [ stands ] [ Ambers and Reynolds object ]

Detective Ambers: Sit down! Sit down, Jerry! [ into intercom ] Number 1, step forward!

[ Suspect 1 again steps forward ]

Jerry Danko: Curtain?

Detective Ambers: Diane?

Detective Reynolds: Yeah. [ place her jacket in front of Jerry’s face ]

Detective Ambers: [clears her throat, then speaks into the intercom ] Number 1.. pretend you are taking a shower.

Suspect 1: [ perplexed ] What?

Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Just DO IT, Number 1~

[ Suspect 1 shrugs, then begins to clumsily mime taking a shower ]

Jerry Danko: Uh — make him sing!

Detective Ambers: Jerry – please. [ sighs ]

Jerry Danko: Make him SING again!

Detective Ambers: [ into intercom ] Number 1.. sing like you’re in the shower.

Suspect 1: [ singing as he mimes showering ] “It’s in the way that you use it! It comes and it goes!”

Jerry Danko: Ohhh, yes! That’s it! Sing for me! sing for me, you big lummox! YES! I’m in total control!

Detective Ambers: Alright, alright! [ into intercom ] Number 1, step back! Jerry, did you even see the murderer?!

Jerry Danko: [ coquettishly ] Noooooo..

Detective Ambers: GET OUT OF HERE!!

Detective Reynolds: BEAT IT!!

[ Jerry rushes out of the room, leaving the two female detectives alone ]

Detective Reynolds: Oh. What now?

Detective Ambers: Ugh. [ a beat ] Wanna make out?

Detective Reynolds: Why not. No one can see us.

[ they begin to make out ] [ the camera pans over to the frosted window of the door, as we see Jerry’s face pressed against it and watching intently, pleased ] [ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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