SNL Transcripts: Rainn Wilson: 02/24/07: Rainn Wilson’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 14

06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire

Rainn Wilson’s Monologue

Boss…..Rainn Wilson
Shelley…..Amy Poehler
Daniel/Snake-Eye…..Jason Sudeikis
Peter/Crazy Carl…..Bill Hader
Derek/Deek’s Twin Brother…..Andy Samberg
Red/Captain Pajama Shark…..Will Forte
Water Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Mountain Joe…..Darrell Hammond
Gary…..Fred Armisen
Chief Bigcloud…..Kristen Wiig
Wonder Woman…..Maya Rudolph

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to exterior, office building, SUPER: “Corporate Headquarters” 4:32 PM” ] [ dissolve to interior, crowded meeting room, with the employees all talking amongst themselves as the Boss enters the room ]

Boss: Alright, settle down. Settle down, people! Listen up: we have to cut this company’s budget in half, and we are not leaving this room until we do it. Is that clear? [ no response ] IS THAT CLEAR?!!

Employees: Yes, Sir!!

Boss: GOOD!! Now.. I want you all to dig deeply. I need your best ideas, and I need them NOW!! [ Shelley?

Shelley: Well, I’ve looked at the budget, and I think we’re spending way too much on transportation.

Boss: Transportation, huh? Daniel, what do you think?

Daniel: Well, sir, our online divsion is hemmorhaging money. I say we lose it.

Boss: Okay. Peter?

Peter: I gotta go with Dan here.

Boss: Derek?

Derek: I’d lose Tech Support.

Boss: Okay. Red?

Red: [ yes, he has red hair ] Downsize Research?

Boss: Water guy?

Water Guy: I don’t work here.

Boss: Right. Derek’s twin brother?

Derek’s Twin Brother: [ identical except for a pair of glasses ] I agree with what Derek said.

Boss: Uh – Mountain Joe?

Mountain Joe: [ a grizzled mountain man ] Well, uh, we could consolidate Marketing —

Boss: Snake-Eye!

Snake-Eye: [ wearing an eye patch ] Scale back IT.

Boss: Uh – Chief Bigcloud.

[ cut to employee dressed in Indian feather hat ]

Gary: Long before, Sister Gol —

Boss: Not now, Gary.

Gary: Sorry.

Boss: [ turns to opposite side of room ] Chief Bigcloud?

Chief Bigcloud: I would cut Accounting.

Boss: Crazy Carl?

Crazy Carl: [ tied up in straitjacket ] Uhhhhhhhhh –!!

Boss: CEO’s nephew?

Kid: Massive layoffs.

Boss: Gigantic turkey sub!

Gigantic Turkey Sub: [ a gigantic turkey submarine sandwich ] I say we put MUSTARD on it!

Boss: [ outraged ] This is NO time for joking, Gigantic Turkey Sub!!

Gigantic Turkey Sub: Cut Human Resources.

Boss: Mounted Tiger Head?

Mounted Tiger Head: [ tiger’s head on a mounted plaque on the wall ] Longer lunch breaks?

Boss: Did you even prepare for this meeting?

Mounted Tiger Head: Noooo.

Boss: Great. Okay. Invisible Man?

[ cut to empty seat and no response ]

Boss: [ waves ] Invisible Man?

[ cut to Wonder Woman seated among the employees ]

Wonder Woman: He’s out sick.

Boss: Captain Pajama Shark?

Captain Pajama Shark: [ dressed in pajamas and a strap-on shark fit atop his head ] Present!

Boss: Never mind! Arcade Fire?

[ cut to the night’s musical guest seated as a group ]

Arcade Fire: Cut Human Resources??

Boss: [ as his cell phone rings ] Hold that thought. [ reaches in his jacket pocket, pulls out his hand in the shape of a telephone and touches his ear ] Yeah? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. [ hangs up his hand, as the camera quick-zooms upon his face ] Guys.. I’ve got some very bad news.

[ cut to the corporate headquarters building exploding and collapsing to the ground ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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