Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 14
Rainn Wilson’s Monologue
Peter/Crazy Carl…..Bill Hader
Derek/Deek’s Twin Brother…..Andy Samberg
Red/Captain Pajama Shark…..Will Forte
Water Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Mountain Joe…..Darrell Hammond
Chief Bigcloud…..Kristen Wiig
Wonder Woman…..Maya Rudolph
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to exterior, office building, SUPER: “Corporate Headquarters” 4:32 PM” ] [ dissolve to interior, crowded meeting room, with the employees all talking amongst themselves as the Boss enters the room ]
Boss: Alright, settle down. Settle down, people! Listen up: we have to cut this company’s budget in half, and we are not leaving this room until we do it. Is that clear? [ no response ] IS THAT CLEAR?!!
Employees: Yes, Sir!!
Boss: GOOD!! Now.. I want you all to dig deeply. I need your best ideas, and I need them NOW!! [ Shelley?
Shelley: Well, I’ve looked at the budget, and I think we’re spending way too much on transportation.
Boss: Transportation, huh? Daniel, what do you think?
Daniel: Well, sir, our online divsion is hemmorhaging money. I say we lose it.
Boss: Okay. Peter?
Peter: I gotta go with Dan here.
Derek: I’d lose Tech Support.
Boss: Okay. Red?
Red: [ yes, he has red hair ] Downsize Research?
Boss: Water guy?
Water Guy: I don’t work here.
Boss: Right. Derek’s twin brother?
Derek’s Twin Brother: [ identical except for a pair of glasses ] I agree with what Derek said.
Boss: Uh – Mountain Joe?
Mountain Joe: [ a grizzled mountain man ] Well, uh, we could consolidate Marketing —
Snake-Eye: [ wearing an eye patch ] Scale back IT.
Boss: Uh – Chief Bigcloud.[ cut to employee dressed in Indian feather hat ]
Gary: Long before, Sister Gol —
Boss: Not now, Gary.
Boss: [ turns to opposite side of room ] Chief Bigcloud?
Chief Bigcloud: I would cut Accounting.
Boss: Crazy Carl?
Crazy Carl: [ tied up in straitjacket ] Uhhhhhhhhh –!!
Boss: CEO’s nephew?
Kid: Massive layoffs.
Boss: Gigantic turkey sub!
Gigantic Turkey Sub: [ a gigantic turkey submarine sandwich ] I say we put MUSTARD on it!
Boss: [ outraged ] This is NO time for joking, Gigantic Turkey Sub!!
Gigantic Turkey Sub: Cut Human Resources.
Boss: Mounted Tiger Head?
Mounted Tiger Head: [ tiger’s head on a mounted plaque on the wall ] Longer lunch breaks?
Boss: Did you even prepare for this meeting?
Mounted Tiger Head: Noooo.
Boss: Great. Okay. Invisible Man?[ cut to empty seat and no response ]
Boss: [ waves ] Invisible Man?[ cut to Wonder Woman seated among the employees ]
Wonder Woman: He’s out sick.
Boss: Captain Pajama Shark?
Captain Pajama Shark: [ dressed in pajamas and a strap-on shark fit atop his head ] Present!
Boss: Never mind! Arcade Fire?[ cut to the night’s musical guest seated as a group ]
Arcade Fire: Cut Human Resources??
Boss: [ as his cell phone rings ] Hold that thought. [ reaches in his jacket pocket, pulls out his hand in the shape of a telephone and touches his ear ] Yeah? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. [ hangs up his hand, as the camera quick-zooms upon his face ] Guys.. I’ve got some very bad news.[ cut to the corporate headquarters building exploding and collapsing to the ground ] [ fade ]