SNL Transcripts: Rainn Wilson: 02/24/07: Rainn Wilson’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 14

06n: Rainn Wilson / Arcade Fire

Rainn Wilson’s Monologue

Boss…..Rainn Wilson
Shelley…..Amy Poehler
Daniel/Snake-Eye…..Jason Sudeikis
Peter/Crazy Carl…..Bill Hader
Derek/Deek’s Twin Brother…..Andy Samberg
Red/Captain Pajama Shark…..Will Forte
Water Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Mountain Joe…..Darrell Hammond
Gary…..Fred Armisen
Chief Bigcloud…..Kristen Wiig
Wonder Woman…..Maya Rudolph

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to exterior, office building, SUPER: “Corporate Headquarters” 4:32 PM” ] [ dissolve to interior, crowded meeting room, with the employees all talking amongst themselves as the Boss enters the room ]

Boss: Alright, settle down. Settle down, people! Listen up: we have to cut this company’s budget in half, and we are not leaving this room until we do it. Is that clear? [ no response ] IS THAT CLEAR?!!

Employees: Yes, Sir!!

Boss: GOOD!! Now.. I want you all to dig deeply. I need your best ideas, and I need them NOW!! [ Shelley?

Shelley: Well, I’ve looked at the budget, and I think we’re spending way too much on transportation.

Boss: Transportation, huh? Daniel, what do you think?

Daniel: Well, sir, our online divsion is hemmorhaging money. I say we lose it.

Boss: Okay. Peter?

Peter: I gotta go with Dan here.

Boss: Derek?

Derek: I’d lose Tech Support.

Boss: Okay. Red?

Red: [ yes, he has red hair ] Downsize Research?

Boss: Water guy?

Water Guy: I don’t work here.

Boss: Right. Derek’s twin brother?

Derek’s Twin Brother: [ identical except for a pair of glasses ] I agree with what Derek said.

Boss: Uh – Mountain Joe?

Mountain Joe: [ a grizzled mountain man ] Well, uh, we could consolidate Marketing —

Boss: Snake-Eye!

Snake-Eye: [ wearing an eye patch ] Scale back IT.

Boss: Uh – Chief Bigcloud.

[ cut to employee dressed in Indian feather hat ]

Gary: Long before, Sister Gol —

Boss: Not now, Gary.

Gary: Sorry.

Boss: [ turns to opposite side of room ] Chief Bigcloud?

Chief Bigcloud: I would cut Accounting.

Boss: Crazy Carl?

Crazy Carl: [ tied up in straitjacket ] Uhhhhhhhhh –!!

Boss: CEO’s nephew?

Kid: Massive layoffs.

Boss: Gigantic turkey sub!

Gigantic Turkey Sub: [ a gigantic turkey submarine sandwich ] I say we put MUSTARD on it!

Boss: [ outraged ] This is NO time for joking, Gigantic Turkey Sub!!

Gigantic Turkey Sub: Cut Human Resources.

Boss: Mounted Tiger Head?

Mounted Tiger Head: [ tiger’s head on a mounted plaque on the wall ] Longer lunch breaks?

Boss: Did you even prepare for this meeting?

Mounted Tiger Head: Noooo.

Boss: Great. Okay. Invisible Man?

[ cut to empty seat and no response ]

Boss: [ waves ] Invisible Man?

[ cut to Wonder Woman seated among the employees ]

Wonder Woman: He’s out sick.

Boss: Captain Pajama Shark?

Captain Pajama Shark: [ dressed in pajamas and a strap-on shark fit atop his head ] Present!

Boss: Never mind! Arcade Fire?

[ cut to the night’s musical guest seated as a group ]

Arcade Fire: Cut Human Resources??

Boss: [ as his cell phone rings ] Hold that thought. [ reaches in his jacket pocket, pulls out his hand in the shape of a telephone and touches his ear ] Yeah? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. [ hangs up his hand, as the camera quick-zooms upon his face ] Guys.. I’ve got some very bad news.

[ cut to the corporate headquarters building exploding and collapsing to the ground ] [ fade ]

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