Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 15
Repair Robot-Repair Robot….Kenan Thompson
Bill: Wow, I still can’t believe you guys won the lottery.
Julia: I know, neither can we!
Kristen: Are you worried it’s going to change you?
Jason: Oh, no. We’re not going to be any differentthan we were before we won the lottery.[Callsout] Home-Bot!! Clear table!!
Bill: Wait, you guys bought a robot?
Jason: Ok, its our one extravagance.[Kitchen door opens. A big, metallic robot entersdining room. Round helmet, square torso, arms, rollson wheels]
Julia: Yeah, well I wouldn’t even call it anextravagance. I mean, it’s so practical. Watch this, watch.
Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Lowering robot torso.[ kind ofslow,whirring sound] Extending robot arm.[whirringsound] Initiating grasp mode[whirring sound]
Bill: He really keeps you informed.
Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Counting down to plateacquisition. T minus 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.[whirring sound,grabs plate] Plate acquisition successful. Retractingarm.[whirring sound] Reversing thrusters.[ Home-Botbacks away,beeping sounds]
Kristen: [not very honest] Wow!, that’s a real time saver.
Julia: Yeah, well we have a lot more time to just relax.
Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Approaching kitchen. Losing grip on plate.[Crash! Plate shatters]
Kristen: Oh, let me help you clean that up.
Julia: No, no, no. Relax, the robot can handle it.
Home Bot: Initiating cleaning mode.[two vaccum hosesspring from his side, starts vaccuming the broken plate]
Julia: You know, its the same technology as the U.S. Military, yes.[Home-Bot starts flailing the hoses around wildlybreaking a flower vase, decoration plates, making a mess]
Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Warning!! Cleaning failure!!Robot malfunction!![loud siren] Shutting down!![robot shuts down]
Bill: What’s wrong? What’s happened?
Jason: [cool] Oh, don’t worry. That happens all the time.
Julia: Yeah, that’s why we bought a repairrobot.[calls out] Repair-Bot! Repair robot![Enters a similar robot with a drill on his robot hand]
Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] Locating Home-Bot.Searching, searching, searching, searching. Performingdiagnostic test.[whirring sound] Commencing robotrepair.[whirring sound]
Bill: You bought a second robot?
Julia: Yeah, well the 2nd robot was only $500,000 so…
Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] Repair robot complete.Home-Bot fully operational.
Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Thank you, Reapair-Bot. Howcan I ever re-pay you?
Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] The usual is fine by me.
Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Affirmative. Releasinghydraulic fluid into robot penis.[Bill and Kristen make uncomfortable faces]
Kristen: Did he just say robot penis?
Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] Re-routing WD-40 to robot vagina.
Julia: You really want to see this.[Repair-Bot spreads eagle on a table. Home-Bot beginsto bang Repair-Bot]
Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jason: Sorry about that. Home-Bot!, Repair-Bot! Go to the kitchen![Both robots go through the kitchen door]
Kristen: Thank God. I thought they were actually going to have sex.
Julia: Oh, they will.[Robotic voice from the kitchen]
Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Initiating 45 minute robot intercourse.[Loud mechanical drilling sounds]
Bill: I’m sorry but do we have to sit here and listen to this?
Julia: Oh, relax. You can just ignore them.[Drilling sounds continues]
Jason: So, you guys watch “Heroes”?[Repair-Bot head pops from the kitchen door going inand out, getting it robot doggy-style, head bouncesoff the door. The visiting couple can’t believe their eyes]
Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Increasing thrust frequency!![Faster mechanical drilling sounds, heads bounces off the door faster]
Bill: Ok, you know what? We’re going to leave.
Kristen: Good-bye.[Bill and Kristen leave]
Julia: What do you mean? Wow. Maybe we have changed.
Jason: If they can’t appreciate robots having sex, they’ve changed.[Robots stop their lovemaking, sounds of liquid trickling, plop!]
Julia: Hey, what happened? Now both robots stopped working.
Jason: Well, it’s a good thing we bought a repair robot-repair robot.
Julia: Oh, that’s right. You know what that means?[A third robot comes in]
Repair robot-Repair robot: [robotic voice] Extreme robot 3-way! Hmmmmm![Repair-robot-repair-robot high five’s Julia, scene freezes] [cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel