SNL Transcripts: Julia Louis-Dreyfus: 03/17/07: Home-Bots


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol


Jason….Jason Sudeikis
Julia….Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Bill….Bill Hader
Kristen….Kristen Wiig
Home-Bot….Will Forte
Repair-Bot….Fred Armisen
Repair Robot-Repair Robot….Kenan Thompson

[Opens with an outside shot of a house at night. Cutto the inside of it. Dining room. Two couples havejust finished dinner. Jason and Julia are the hosts.Bill and Kristen are visiting.]

Bill: Wow, I still can’t believe you guys won the lottery.

Julia: I know, neither can we!

Kristen: Are you worried it’s going to change you?

Jason: Oh, no. We’re not going to be any differentthan we were before we won the lottery.[Callsout] Home-Bot!! Clear table!!

Bill: Wait, you guys bought a robot?

Jason: Ok, its our one extravagance.

[Kitchen door opens. A big, metallic robot entersdining room. Round helmet, square torso, arms, rollson wheels]

Julia: Yeah, well I wouldn’t even call it anextravagance. I mean, it’s so practical. Watch this, watch.

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Lowering robot torso.[ kind ofslow,whirring sound] Extending robot arm.[whirringsound] Initiating grasp mode[whirring sound]

Bill: He really keeps you informed.

Jason: Yeah.

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Counting down to plateacquisition. T minus 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.[whirring sound,grabs plate] Plate acquisition successful. Retractingarm.[whirring sound] Reversing thrusters.[ Home-Botbacks away,beeping sounds]

Kristen: [not very honest] Wow!, that’s a real time saver.

Julia: Yeah, well we have a lot more time to just relax.

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Approaching kitchen. Losing grip on plate.

[Crash! Plate shatters]

Kristen: Oh, let me help you clean that up.

Julia: No, no, no. Relax, the robot can handle it.

Home Bot: Initiating cleaning mode.[two vaccum hosesspring from his side, starts vaccuming the broken plate]

Julia: You know, its the same technology as the U.S. Military, yes.

[Home-Bot starts flailing the hoses around wildlybreaking a flower vase, decoration plates, making a mess]

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Warning!! Cleaning failure!!Robot malfunction!![loud siren] Shutting down!![robot shuts down]

Bill: What’s wrong? What’s happened?

Jason: [cool] Oh, don’t worry. That happens all the time.

Julia: Yeah, that’s why we bought a repairrobot.[calls out] Repair-Bot! Repair robot!

[Enters a similar robot with a drill on his robot hand]

Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] Locating Home-Bot.Searching, searching, searching, searching. Performingdiagnostic test.[whirring sound] Commencing robotrepair.[whirring sound]

Bill: You bought a second robot?

Julia: Yeah, well the 2nd robot was only $500,000 so…

Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] Repair robot complete.Home-Bot fully operational.

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Thank you, Reapair-Bot. Howcan I ever re-pay you?

Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] The usual is fine by me.

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Affirmative. Releasinghydraulic fluid into robot penis.

[Bill and Kristen make uncomfortable faces]

Kristen: Did he just say robot penis?

Repair-Bot: [robotic voice] Re-routing WD-40 to robot vagina.

Julia: You really want to see this.

[Repair-Bot spreads eagle on a table. Home-Bot beginsto bang Repair-Bot]

Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jason: Sorry about that. Home-Bot!, Repair-Bot! Go to the kitchen!

[Both robots go through the kitchen door]

Kristen: Thank God. I thought they were actually going to have sex.

Julia: Oh, they will.

[Robotic voice from the kitchen]

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Initiating 45 minute robot intercourse.

[Loud mechanical drilling sounds]

Bill: I’m sorry but do we have to sit here and listen to this?

Julia: Oh, relax. You can just ignore them.

[Drilling sounds continues]

Jason: So, you guys watch “Heroes”?

[Repair-Bot head pops from the kitchen door going inand out, getting it robot doggy-style, head bouncesoff the door. The visiting couple can’t believe their eyes]

Home-Bot: [robotic voice] Increasing thrust frequency!!

[Faster mechanical drilling sounds, heads bounces off the door faster]

Bill: Ok, you know what? We’re going to leave.

Kristen: Good-bye.

[Bill and Kristen leave]

Julia: What do you mean? Wow. Maybe we have changed.

Jason: If they can’t appreciate robots having sex, they’ve changed.

[Robots stop their lovemaking, sounds of liquid trickling, plop!]

Julia: Hey, what happened? Now both robots stopped working.

Jason: Well, it’s a good thing we bought a repair robot-repair robot.

Julia: Oh, that’s right. You know what that means?

[A third robot comes in]

Repair robot-Repair robot: [robotic voice] Extreme robot 3-way! Hmmmmm!

[Repair-robot-repair-robot high five’s Julia, scene freezes]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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