Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 15
06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol
CBS Cares
Written by: Bryan Tucker
Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis
[FADE IN on a sound studio as Julia walks in from the left and greets the director.]
Mike: Julia, hi. [shakes her hand]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hi.
Mike: Mike Underballs.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, hi!
Mike: I’m the director.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yes, Mr. Underballs, so nice to meet you.
Mike: Please, my dad’s Mr. Underballs. Call me Mike.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, okay.
Mike: First of all, thank you so much for doing this PSA.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, my pleasure.
Mike: Did you get a script?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, it looks great!
Mike: Okay, think we can do a take?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Absolutely, yeah.
Mike: [to crew] All right, guys, let’s go, people! CBS Cares, Julia Louis-Dreyfus… [walks to chair] Take one!
[Mike takes his seat while Julia clears her throat softly and a crew member positions the boom mike above her head.]
Mike: And… action!
[CUT to Julia as soft piano music rises.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.
[While she talks, the boom mike drops down into the shot just left of her head.]
Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”
Mike: All right, cut, cut, cut, cut. Okay, Julia, that was perfect.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks.
Mike: Unfortunately, we had a little boom in the shot.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Ooooh.
Mike: [to boom guy] Um… you on that, Jeff?
Jeff: [tightly] Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike, that’s my bad.
Mike: Okay, let’s, uh, get it right this time, okay?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.
Mike: CBS C–CBS Cares…
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah.
Mike: Take two!
[music]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little–oops!
[The boom mike drops down and bumps her in the forehead.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, dear. I think he hit me. I don’t…
Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”
Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut…
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I dunno if you… wanna…
Mike: Jeff. What’s goin’ on, buddy? Everything okay?
Jeff: Sorry, Mike, that’s my fault. I’m a little fatigued in the upper body. I rocked the bejeezus out of my delta at the gym today.
Mike: Okay, just hang in there, okay?
Jeff: Yeah, no problem, Mike.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, God, tough to be the boom guy, right?
Jeff: [with an attitude] “Boom guy.” Yeah, I’ve got a name.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, sorry, I was just–
Mike: Okay, okay, let’s just get this done, okay?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.
Mike: CBS Cares… take three!
[music]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, a little pre–vent–
[The boom drops down, hits her in the nose, and pokes around in her face.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [pushing away microphone] Whoops. Hey, hey! You gonna yell “cut,” or…
Mike: Whoa, whoa– Hey, hey, hey, c’mon!
Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”
Mike: Cut! [losing patience] Jeff! What’s goin’ on, buddy?
Jeff: Oh, c’mon, Mike! She’s talkin’ so soft I gotta get in there. I mean… what’s the point of watchin’ TV if you can’t hear it, right?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I was speaking in my normal voice!
Jeff: Hey, Dreyfus? Butt out!! Immediately! Just stand there and look pretty, okay?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Excuse ME?!
Jeff: [struts away] Yeah.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Mike] What? Are you gonna say something here?
Mike: Okay, look, look, it’s been a long day, let’s just get this done, and we’ll all go home.
Jeff: I’m agreein’, I’m agreein’ with you, Mike.
Mike: Look, hey, hey. JEFF? If you can’t hold the mike above the frame, then… let’s give it a try under, okay, sound good?
Jeff: You’re the–you’re the director, man.
Mike: All right.
[Jeff repositions the boom down in front of Julia’s legs.]
Jeff: You want it up and under, I got no problem with that.
Mike: Okay, great. Thank you, thank you.
[Audience titters in anticipation.]
Jeff: [to Julia] You okay with that?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, I guess–
Jeff: Nobody cares.
[laughter]
Mike: Hey, c’mon. C’mon. Let’s just go, okay? [sighs deeply] Please. CBS Cares, take four.
[music]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have the yearly mammogram.
[Jeff’s boom suddenly pops up and pokes her left breast.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Because–hey! Hey!
[She bats the mike away as Jeff keeps bumping her body with it.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Cut it out!
Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: C’mon!! What the hell–
Mike: [walks toward her] C’mon, c’mon…
Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”
Mike: Okay, okay. We don’t need the jingle on every bad take! Okay?
[laughter]
Mike: JEFF? I’m gonna ask you one more time, man, what’s goin’ on?
Jeff: Well, she’s talkin’ about her boobs, Mike. Y’know, I thought it’d help if I point ’em out a little.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, good Lord.
Jeff: I HAVE GOOD IDEAS TOO, MIKE!!!
Mike: Okay, okay, Jeff, I need you to keep the mike completely out of the shot–otherwise, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Jeff: Mm-hm.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you.
Mike: Think you can do that?
Jeff: Okay, Mike. I’m gonna do it as a favor to you.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, well, you know what, you should do it because it’s your job.
Jeff: Hey, Elaine?!
[laughter]
Jeff: If I wanted to hear from an ass, I’d fart!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay!
[laughter and applause]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Are you gonna handle this? Are you gonna handle this?
Mike: Let’s focus up! Let’s focus up!
Jeff: SHE’S PUSHING MY BUTTONS, MIKE!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: All right…
Jeff: BIG TIME!!
Mike: JEFF?! I need you to ignore her, okay?!
Jeff: Can do.
Mike: You’re doing a great job, by the way, Julia.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks. Okay, I only have one more take in me, all right? Then you can get Katie Couric, or something.
Jeff: Hey, fine with me, Mike!
Mike: Okay, okay, c’mon! Last take. CBS Cares, take five.
[music]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [fights for composure] If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.
Mike: Cut! Great!
[CUT to a wider shot as the music stops before the jingle. Jeff has positioned the boom right in front of Julia’s crotch, and he is waving it up and down suggestively.]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No one can see this, right?
[laughter]
Mike: Nope! You look great!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay. [shoves the boom away] You know what, just get that away–get it away from me!
Jeff: What are you doing?
Mike: [rushes up between them] That’s a wrap, folks, we got it, we got it!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Jeff] You stay back from me!
Mike: You leave him alone!!
[ZOOM OUT over riotous cheers and applause.]
Mike: You leave him alone!!
[FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Sean
