SNL Transcripts: Julia Louis-Dreyfus: 03/17/07: CBS Cares



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15









06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

CBS Cares

Written by: Bryan Tucker

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[FADE IN on a sound studio as Julia walks in from the left and greets the director.]

Mike: Julia, hi. [shakes her hand]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hi.

Mike: Mike Underballs.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, hi!

Mike: I’m the director.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yes, Mr. Underballs, so nice to meet you.

Mike: Please, my dad’s Mr. Underballs. Call me Mike.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, okay.

Mike: First of all, thank you so much for doing this PSA.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, my pleasure.

Mike: Did you get a script?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, it looks great!

Mike: Okay, think we can do a take?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Absolutely, yeah.

Mike: [to crew] All right, guys, let’s go, people! CBS Cares, Julia Louis-Dreyfus… [walks to chair] Take one!

[Mike takes his seat while Julia clears her throat softly and a crew member positions the boom mike above her head.]

Mike: And… action!

[CUT to Julia as soft piano music rises.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.

[While she talks, the boom mike drops down into the shot just left of her head.]

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: All right, cut, cut, cut, cut. Okay, Julia, that was perfect.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks.

Mike: Unfortunately, we had a little boom in the shot.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Ooooh.

Mike: [to boom guy] Um… you on that, Jeff?

Jeff: [tightly] Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike, that’s my bad.

Mike: Okay, let’s, uh, get it right this time, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.

Mike: CBS C–CBS Cares…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah.

Mike: Take two!

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little–oops!

[The boom mike drops down and bumps her in the forehead.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, dear. I think he hit me. I don’t…

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I dunno if you… wanna…

Mike: Jeff. What’s goin’ on, buddy? Everything okay?

Jeff: Sorry, Mike, that’s my fault. I’m a little fatigued in the upper body. I rocked the bejeezus out of my delta at the gym today.

Mike: Okay, just hang in there, okay?

Jeff: Yeah, no problem, Mike.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, God, tough to be the boom guy, right?

Jeff: [with an attitude] “Boom guy.” Yeah, I’ve got a name.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, sorry, I was just–

Mike: Okay, okay, let’s just get this done, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.

Mike: CBS Cares… take three!

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, a little pre–vent–

[The boom drops down, hits her in the nose, and pokes around in her face.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [pushing away microphone] Whoops. Hey, hey! You gonna yell “cut,” or…

Mike: Whoa, whoa– Hey, hey, hey, c’mon!

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Cut! [losing patience] Jeff! What’s goin’ on, buddy?

Jeff: Oh, c’mon, Mike! She’s talkin’ so soft I gotta get in there. I mean… what’s the point of watchin’ TV if you can’t hear it, right?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I was speaking in my normal voice!

Jeff: Hey, Dreyfus? Butt out!! Immediately! Just stand there and look pretty, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Excuse ME?!

Jeff: [struts away] Yeah.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Mike] What? Are you gonna say something here?

Mike: Okay, look, look, it’s been a long day, let’s just get this done, and we’ll all go home.

Jeff: I’m agreein’, I’m agreein’ with you, Mike.

Mike: Look, hey, hey. JEFF? If you can’t hold the mike above the frame, then… let’s give it a try under, okay, sound good?

Jeff: You’re the–you’re the director, man.

Mike: All right.

[Jeff repositions the boom down in front of Julia’s legs.]

Jeff: You want it up and under, I got no problem with that.

Mike: Okay, great. Thank you, thank you.

[Audience titters in anticipation.]

Jeff: [to Julia] You okay with that?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, I guess–

Jeff: Nobody cares.

[laughter]

Mike: Hey, c’mon. C’mon. Let’s just go, okay? [sighs deeply] Please. CBS Cares, take four.

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have the yearly mammogram.

[Jeff’s boom suddenly pops up and pokes her left breast.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Because–hey! Hey!

[She bats the mike away as Jeff keeps bumping her body with it.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Cut it out!

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: C’mon!! What the hell–

Mike: [walks toward her] C’mon, c’mon…

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Okay, okay. We don’t need the jingle on every bad take! Okay?

[laughter]

Mike: JEFF? I’m gonna ask you one more time, man, what’s goin’ on?

Jeff: Well, she’s talkin’ about her boobs, Mike. Y’know, I thought it’d help if I point ’em out a little.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, good Lord.

Jeff: I HAVE GOOD IDEAS TOO, MIKE!!!

Mike: Okay, okay, Jeff, I need you to keep the mike completely out of the shot–otherwise, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Jeff: Mm-hm.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you.

Mike: Think you can do that?

Jeff: Okay, Mike. I’m gonna do it as a favor to you.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, well, you know what, you should do it because it’s your job.

Jeff: Hey, Elaine?!

[laughter]

Jeff: If I wanted to hear from an ass, I’d fart!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay!

[laughter and applause]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Are you gonna handle this? Are you gonna handle this?

Mike: Let’s focus up! Let’s focus up!

Jeff: SHE’S PUSHING MY BUTTONS, MIKE!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: All right…

Jeff: BIG TIME!!

Mike: JEFF?! I need you to ignore her, okay?!

Jeff: Can do.

Mike: You’re doing a great job, by the way, Julia.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks. Okay, I only have one more take in me, all right? Then you can get Katie Couric, or something.

Jeff: Hey, fine with me, Mike!

Mike: Okay, okay, c’mon! Last take. CBS Cares, take five.

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [fights for composure] If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.

Mike: Cut! Great!

[CUT to a wider shot as the music stops before the jingle. Jeff has positioned the boom right in front of Julia’s crotch, and he is waving it up and down suggestively.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No one can see this, right?

[laughter]

Mike: Nope! You look great!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay. [shoves the boom away] You know what, just get that away–get it away from me!

Jeff: What are you doing?

Mike: [rushes up between them] That’s a wrap, folks, we got it, we got it!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Jeff] You stay back from me!

Mike: You leave him alone!!

[ZOOM OUT over riotous cheers and applause.]

Mike: You leave him alone!!

[FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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