Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 15
Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Julia Louis-Dreyfus!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo!!! Thank you, thank you, very much! Hey, Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! [ audience cheers ] Oh man, it is SO nice to be back! I had a BLAST hosting last year, and — wow! Things have been going really, really wll for me. My show — “The New Adventures of Old Christine” — is a big, fat hit! [ audience aplauds ] Thank you! I won the Emmy, which is absolutely fantastic! [ audience applauds again ] Do we — do we have a clip? [ a beat ] Oh, I brought one! Oh, that’s great! Oh, then let’s watch it![ dissolve to clip from the Emmys — five Lead Actresses from a Comedy Series sit in wait of the results ]
Emmy Presenter: And the result: [ opens envelope ] Julia Louis-Dreyfus![ an excited Julia kisses husband Brad Hall as the crowd cheers [ [ return to Julia at Home Base ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Ohh, I could watch that a thousand times! [ audience laughs ] I have>! Of course, you know, uh — there is a downside to being in the spotlight again, because, with all this great peaise, comes criticism. You know, the media is everywhere. And they really want to make celebrities look bad. And celebrities are good people. Literally. Every single one of them. But, now, I’m living my life under a microscope. So, ladies and gentlemen, please don’t believe everything yo see. Because the media likes nothing more than distorting an innocent event until they make me — a person whom you know and love — look bad! I mean, for example, here I am at the Golden Globes:[ card: “Actress — TV Series Musical or Comedy” ]
Golden Globes Presenter: And, now.. the Golden Globe goes to: [ opens card ] America Ferrera![ at her seat, a smiling Julia starts to stand until she realizes it wasn’t her name that was called. Nearby, America Ferrera beams with joy. ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Who the F–K is America Ferrera?![ America Ferrera walks toward the stage ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hey! Felecity! [ cut to Felecity Huffman ] Check and see if she’s got her green card with her! [ Felicity frowns ] Am I right?! [ the man seated next to Julia claps for America Ferrera ] Don’t clap, you ass![ America Ferrera continue to make her way toward the stage ] [ Julia throws up in her champagne, then swaps with the man seated next to her until she falls to the floor ] [ return to Julia at Home Base ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: See? I mean, first of all, that was taken out of context. And, second of all, I was completely wasted! I mean, they can even make a nice woman, like that lovely Ann Coulter, look like a monster! These people JUST want celebrities to look BAD! Even coming here tonight, the vultures were out in FORCE! They really can’t wait to turn every move I make into something ugly![ show Julia’s limo arriving outside of 30 Rock. The crowds are excited to see her, the media have their cameras flashing. A smiling Julia spreads her legs to step out of the limo, revealing a red dot covering her massive pubic hair region. ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: What?[ return to Julia at Home Base ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Wow. wow. You know what? Let me tell you something — it really is good to watch that, ’cause you realize: it’s just — it’s not as bad as people say!
We’ve got a great show! Snow Patrol is here! So stick around, e’ll be right back!