SNL Transcripts: Julia Louis-Dreyfus: 03/17/07: Restless Penis Syndrome



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15







06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Restless Penis Syndrome

Karen Danberg…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Mr. Danberg…..Jason Sudeikis
Dr. Highsmith…..Kenan Thompson
Spokesman…..Bill Hader
Announcer…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on a dark bedroom in which a woman is sleeping. Her husband steps quietly in, dressed in business attire, and closes the door softly. He slips quietly to a futon at the foot of the bed while she stirs awake.]

Karen: Honey? Honey, is that you?

Mr. Danberg: [unshoulders suit] I’m sorry, hon. I didn’t mean to wake ya.

Karen: Oh, it’s okay. Oh, it’s so late.

Mr. Danberg: Yeah, yeah, work. It’s killin’ me lately.

Karen: But this is the third night in a row!

Mr. Danberg: [stumbling a bit] Yeah, yeah, it–it’s been rough. [loosens tie] Y’know, I’m pretty bushed.

Karen: [switches on light and stumbles out of bed] We need to talk.

Mr. Danberg: Can it wait? You know, I’m tired.

Karen: Well, I’m tired, too. [tearfully] I am tired of waiting up for you! I am tired of you staying late at work!

Mr. Danberg: [bristles] Okay, I can’t help it, okay? We’ve talked about this.

Karen: Why do you always smell like perfume?

Mr. Danberg: [faking disbelief] What? Perfume? What–what do y–I don’t know! I mean–there’s ladies at work, that wear perfume, and I’m sure that’s it! You know? Gosh!

Karen: I found… these.

[She holds up a pair of baby blue, French-cut ladies’ underwear.]

Mr. Danberg: Yeah, so?

Karen: [tearfully] They were in your suit pocket!

Mr. Danberg: Okay. Okay. Y’know, uh, that’s dumb. [laughs stupidly] We, uh, we were goofing around, and, uh… it’s just… things happen.

Karen: Oh, please. Please!

Mr. Danberg: I can’t do this anymore.

Karen: What?

Mr. Danberg: It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to the kids… I’m done lying.

Karen: [covers mouth and weeps] Oh, oh, my God…

Mr. Danberg: I should have told you this a long time ago.

[Dramatic pause while Karen sobs quietly.]

Mr. Danberg: I’ve been diagnosed with Restless Penis Syndrome.

[laughter]

Mr. Danberg: RPS.

Karen: What?

Mr. Danberg: It’s a very well-known neurological condition, and it is… awful.

Karen: I’ve, I’ve never even heard of it! You’re having an affair!

Mr. Danberg: I wish it was that easy. I really do! Currently, there are no known cures for RPS. Restless Penis Syndrome.

Karen: This is stupid! If you think for one second that I am buying this… this so-called Restless Penis Syndrome. Really? So you’re saying you can’t control what your penis is doing?

Mr. Danberg: I haven’t been able to control it my entire life! I’ve never been able to. [painfully] And… I’m not sure if I ever will.

Karen: No, I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you’re even trying this.

Voice: I’m afraid it’s true, Karen.

[Enter Dr. Highsmith carrying an old-fashioned doctor’s satchel.]

Karen: Dr. Highsmith?

Dr. Highsmith: Your husband is telling you the truth. You see, when I first diagnosed his RPS… Excuse me…

[He plops down on the bed right next to Karen.]

Dr. Highsmith: I thought maybe there was a chance. It might’ve been foolish of me, but I told him to let his penis do whatever it wanted to do. I thought it would get tired out, and no longer be restless.

Karen: Why are you here?

Dr. Highsmith: But letting it be restless has only made it more restless, I guess. I’m partly to blame for this. I mean, we just didn’t know enough about RPS in those days. I’m sorry.

Karen: So–I’m just supposed to sit back and let his–your penis run wild all across town with as many women as it needs to?!

Mr. Danberg: [touches her head tenderly] It’s a lot to ask, I know.

Dr. Highsmith: I think you’re the bravest woman I know, Mrs. Danberg.

Karen: Oh, come on!

[After a pause, ZOOM OUT to reveal a commercial spokesman in the foreground to the right of the bed.]

Spokesman: If you suffer from Restless Penis Syndrome, you’re not alone. RPS severely affects the lives of millions of Americans.

Karen: What… what is happening now?

[laughter]

Mr. Danberg: We’re shooting a commercial for RPS.

[Commercial music rises slowly in the background.]

Karen: Are you kidding me? I don’t look–well, let me do something with my hair, you could have told me!

[She pulls her hair back and grins in pleasant surprise.]

Mr. Danberg: [chuckling] It’s okay, dear. You look amazing.

Karen: A commercial? For RPS? That’s big stuff! [smiles]

Mr. Danberg: It sure is, honey. It sure is.

Dr. Highsmith: You look wonderful.

Karen: Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Highsmith: Um, you know, I also have Restless Penis Syndrome… [touches inside of her leg]

Mr. Danberg: Hey, Highsmith? [shoos his hand away] Not part of the deal, buddy.

Karen: Would you guys be quiet? And let the guy do the commercial. [gestures to spokesman]

Spokesman: But now there’s hope. The RPS Foundation is committed to finding a cure for this debilitating disorder. With new medical breakthroughs happening every day, we think we may be just years away.

Mr. Danberg: Decades.

Spokesman: Decades away. Won’t you please support the RPS Foundation?

[FADE to the RPS Foundation logo.]

Announcer: Restless Penis Syndrome. With your help, we can beat this thing.

Karen: [off camera] What? That sounded like your brother.

Mr. Danberg: No, well, it wasn’t.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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