Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 15
Restless Penis Syndrome
Karen Danberg…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Mr. Danberg…..Jason Sudeikis
Dr. Highsmith…..Kenan Thompson
[FADE IN on a dark bedroom in which a woman is sleeping. Her husband steps quietly in, dressed in business attire, and closes the door softly. He slips quietly to a futon at the foot of the bed while she stirs awake.]
Karen: Honey? Honey, is that you?
Mr. Danberg: [unshoulders suit] I’m sorry, hon. I didn’t mean to wake ya.
Karen: Oh, it’s okay. Oh, it’s so late.
Mr. Danberg: Yeah, yeah, work. It’s killin’ me lately.
Karen: But this is the third night in a row!
Mr. Danberg: [stumbling a bit] Yeah, yeah, it–it’s been rough. [loosens tie] Y’know, I’m pretty bushed.
Karen: [switches on light and stumbles out of bed] We need to talk.
Mr. Danberg: Can it wait? You know, I’m tired.
Karen: Well, I’m tired, too. [tearfully] I am tired of waiting up for you! I am tired of you staying late at work!
Mr. Danberg: [bristles] Okay, I can’t help it, okay? We’ve talked about this.
Karen: Why do you always smell like perfume?
Mr. Danberg: [faking disbelief] What? Perfume? What–what do y–I don’t know! I mean–there’s ladies at work, that wear perfume, and I’m sure that’s it! You know? Gosh!
Karen: I found… these.
[She holds up a pair of baby blue, French-cut ladies’ underwear.]
Mr. Danberg: Yeah, so?
Karen: [tearfully] They were in your suit pocket!
Mr. Danberg: Okay. Okay. Y’know, uh, that’s dumb. [laughs stupidly] We, uh, we were goofing around, and, uh… it’s just… things happen.
Karen: Oh, please. Please!
Mr. Danberg: I can’t do this anymore.
Mr. Danberg: It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to the kids… I’m done lying.
Karen: [covers mouth and weeps] Oh, oh, my God…
Mr. Danberg: I should have told you this a long time ago.
[Dramatic pause while Karen sobs quietly.]
Mr. Danberg: I’ve been diagnosed with Restless Penis Syndrome.
Mr. Danberg: RPS.
Mr. Danberg: It’s a very well-known neurological condition, and it is… awful.
Karen: I’ve, I’ve never even heard of it! You’re having an affair!
Mr. Danberg: I wish it was that easy. I really do! Currently, there are no known cures for RPS. Restless Penis Syndrome.
Karen: This is stupid! If you think for one second that I am buying this… this so-called Restless Penis Syndrome. Really? So you’re saying you can’t control what your penis is doing?
Mr. Danberg: I haven’t been able to control it my entire life! I’ve never been able to. [painfully] And… I’m not sure if I ever will.
Karen: No, I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you’re even trying this.
Voice: I’m afraid it’s true, Karen.
[Enter Dr. Highsmith carrying an old-fashioned doctor’s satchel.]
Karen: Dr. Highsmith?
Dr. Highsmith: Your husband is telling you the truth. You see, when I first diagnosed his RPS… Excuse me…
[He plops down on the bed right next to Karen.]
Dr. Highsmith: I thought maybe there was a chance. It might’ve been foolish of me, but I told him to let his penis do whatever it wanted to do. I thought it would get tired out, and no longer be restless.
Karen: Why are you here?
Dr. Highsmith: But letting it be restless has only made it more restless, I guess. I’m partly to blame for this. I mean, we just didn’t know enough about RPS in those days. I’m sorry.
Karen: So–I’m just supposed to sit back and let his–your penis run wild all across town with as many women as it needs to?!
Mr. Danberg: [touches her head tenderly] It’s a lot to ask, I know.
Dr. Highsmith: I think you’re the bravest woman I know, Mrs. Danberg.
Karen: Oh, come on!
[After a pause, ZOOM OUT to reveal a commercial spokesman in the foreground to the right of the bed.]
Spokesman: If you suffer from Restless Penis Syndrome, you’re not alone. RPS severely affects the lives of millions of Americans.
Karen: What… what is happening now?
Mr. Danberg: We’re shooting a commercial for RPS.
[Commercial music rises slowly in the background.]
Karen: Are you kidding me? I don’t look–well, let me do something with my hair, you could have told me!
[She pulls her hair back and grins in pleasant surprise.]
Mr. Danberg: [chuckling] It’s okay, dear. You look amazing.
Karen: A commercial? For RPS? That’s big stuff! [smiles]
Mr. Danberg: It sure is, honey. It sure is.
Dr. Highsmith: You look wonderful.
Karen: Oh, thank you, Doctor.
Dr. Highsmith: Um, you know, I also have Restless Penis Syndrome… [touches inside of her leg]
Mr. Danberg: Hey, Highsmith? [shoos his hand away] Not part of the deal, buddy.
Karen: Would you guys be quiet? And let the guy do the commercial. [gestures to spokesman]
Spokesman: But now there’s hope. The RPS Foundation is committed to finding a cure for this debilitating disorder. With new medical breakthroughs happening every day, we think we may be just years away.
Mr. Danberg: Decades.
Spokesman: Decades away. Won’t you please support the RPS Foundation?
[FADE to the RPS Foundation logo.]
Announcer: Restless Penis Syndrome. With your help, we can beat this thing.
Karen: [off camera] What? That sounded like your brother.
Mr. Danberg: No, well, it wasn’t.
[FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean