Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Judge Larry Seidlin…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories:
Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesperson said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez was criticized this week, after documents revealed eight fired federal prosecutors had been rated on whether or not they exhibited loyalty to the president. Which explains the appointment of new Mexico federal prosecutor — [ show photo of dog ] Shasta.
Seth Meyers: According to a transcript of a military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attacks, saying, “I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.” He then politely asked the interrogator to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt.
A 17-year old girl won a scholarship worth $100,000 for building an inexpensive, yet accurate, spectograph, that identifies the fingerprints of different molecules — which I assume is some fancy way of saying: “Baking Soda Volcano.”
Amy Poehler: Preisdent Bush visited Colombia on Sunday, to show support for the country’s battle against Narco-Terrorists — or, as he called them in college: “My guys!”
A new study has found that women get together, they engage in mandatory “fat talk”, in which they say negative things about their bodies. Though, eventually, they do get around to introducing their guests. [ reveal photo of “The View” ]
Seth Meyers: This week, there were serious revelations about Attorney General Alberto Gonzales firing eight U.S. attorneys, for what appears to have been a coordinated campaign by the White Huose to purge those attorneys who weren’t “Bushies.” Sinceour regular legal analyst wasn’t available, here to comment is — oh, no — the judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial, Judge Larry Seidlin.
[ Judge Larry Seidlin rolls up next to Seth in his judge’s chair, clutching a newspaper with his face hung low ]
Judge Larry Seidlin: Hiya, Seth and Amy. Did you guys see the news? [ Seth and Amy are mum ] Did you guys see the news, on the TV?
Seth Meyers: Yes. Yes, I saw the news on the TV. Judge, what is your take on the Attorney General scandal?
[ distracted ] How am I coming off so far, Seth? Amy I coming off good, Amy?
Seth Meyers: You’re fine.
Judge Larry Seidlin: Okay. tell you what I’m gonna do. Here’s — what I wanna do now, uh — uh — is, I’m gonna read off the names of the people who are on the chopping block! [ pauses ] About to get fired! Now — now, when I read this, I don’t want no tears. I don’t want no crying! [ sniffs, tries to hold his composure ] I — I think I’m gonna cry — I might cry a little bit. [ sniffs twice ] First name — [ sniffs, holds back his tears ] First name — [ sniffs some more ] is this poor guy from New Mexico, U.S. Attorney David Iglesius — [ begins to boo-hoo-hoo and taps his pencil on the desk ] From Arkansas, Bud Cummins — [ sniffs ] You know, I’ll tell you something, you guys — [ sniffs ] This reminds me of the time I got fired once! You know — you know, when I was a little kid, and I worked at the Bronx Zoo! Selling peanuts!! And, you know, it was a good job, and I worked really hard! This was before I was a cab driver! [ taps his pencil ] I worked hard! Really hard! And one day I was pushing the cart through the zoo, and the monkeys got out of the cage!! And they ATTACKED me!! You know those monkeys — not the regular ones, but the ones with the plastic asses? You know those ones? They were all around me, these monkeys!! And then they knocked over my cart, and one of them punched me in the face, and drug me all around the zoo — it was humiliating!! They were so MEAN to me! You know these monkeys, the one with the plastic asses — the — the RED ones?! The red asses? You know what I’m TALKING ABOUT, SETH!!
Seth Meyers: Yeah. I think so.
Judge Larry Seidlin: You know which monkeys they are, Amy?!!
Amy Poehler: Yes. Yeah. I know.
Judge Larry Seidlin: They’re mean as Hell!! And when they’re hungry, they’re TEN TIMES AS MEAN!! So’s — so’s — so’s when I come to, I’m in the flamingo pen! [ slumps in his seat, begins to cry ] And right there — RIGHT THERE — I got fired. IN FRONT OF THE FLAMINGOS!! [ slumps back in his chairs and wells up with tears ]
Seth Meyers: Judge, so you have anything to say about Karl Rove and the Attorney General?
Judge Larry Seidlin: Seth.. I ain’t coming off too good, am I?
Seth Meyers: No.
Judge Larry Seidlin: But they can splice this out, right?
Seth Meyers: No.
Judge Larry Seidlin: Well, I’ll tell you what they should do with these guys, Karl Rove and Gonzales: they should give them a peanut cart! And make them walk around the monkey cage! So the monkeys can throw PEANUTS at them!! SEE HOW THEY FEEL!! Seth and Amy, you know which monkeys I’m talking about, right?
Amy Poehler: Yes.
Seth Meyers: Yes. Judge Seidlin, everybody. [ to the judge ] Take care of yourself.
Amy Poehler: In an interview with “60 Minutes”, “American Idol” judge Simon cowell said he was once offered $100,000 to watch a couple have sex and then critique their lovemaking. But, then at the last minute, Paula and Randy changed their minds.
Seth Meyers: A new law was signed in New Mexico, Monday, that outlaws cockfighting in the state, as chickens everywhere deserve the right to live free — in a two-foot cage, before a machine cuts off their heads so we can eat them. [ light titters among the audience ]
Amsterdam City Council gave permission for the owner of a 150-year old chestnut tree, that comforted Anne Frank while she was in hiding, to cut it down. Well, it’s official: Anne Frank cannot catch a break. [ light laughs amidst a few groans ] I knew I was in trouble when you guys didn’t like the chicken joke!
A new study says that eating salmon is not only good for your heart, but can improve your disposition, making you more agreeable. Defeating ths study: grizzly bears.
Amy Poehler: Well, today is St. Patrick’s Day — happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! [ the audience cheers ] And, you know what? [ takes out a bottle ] I figured it would be fun to take a moment and celebrate the holiday with shots. Huh? [ she pours two shots ]
Seth Meyers: Whoa, whoa, whoa — I don’t think it’s a good idea to do shots during the show. Remember what happened last time?
Amy Poehler: [ smiles ] I do not! [ chugs her shot ]
Seth Meyers: Yeah. Yuo got hammered, and thenyou drunk-dialed everyone on your phone.
Amy Poehler: Mmm. Do you want your shot or not?
Seth Meyers: No.
Amy Poehler: Okay. [ holds up Seth’s shot ] To my health! [ chugs the shot ] Mmm! See? I’m fine?
Seth Meyers: Okay. [ show image of tree frog ] A new study was released earlier this week in — [ Seth’s cell phone rings ] No. It’s Amy — I’m not going to answer it. Just ignore it. [ begins again ] A new study was released — [ cell phone continues to ring ] You know what? I am just — ’cause she’ll keep calling. [ answers his cell phone ] Hello.
Amy Poehler: [ on her cell phone ] Heeeeyyyy!! What are you doing! Are you OUT?? Are you having fun??
Seth Meyers: No, uh — actually, I’m at the Update desk telling a joke right now, so I’m going to hang up on you.
Amy Poehler: [ quickly ] No, I’m going to hang up on you! [ hangs up her cell phone and smiles ]
[ Seth puts his cell phone away ]
Seth Meyers: Sorry about that. [ show image of tree frog ] A new study was released earlier this week, and —
Amy Poehler: [ leans into Seth’s frame ] You don’t hang up on me, Meyers.. you’re not better than me.. what, do you think you’re so great? I’m from New Hamps-hiiiiiiire!! I’m on Up-daaaate!!
Seth Meyers: Alright, you know what? Here, have some coffee. [ holds up a cup ]
Amy Poehler: No! I want some COFFEE!! [ grabs the cup ] This is MY idea! [ chugs the coffee ]
Seth Meyers: [ to the audience ] This will sober her up. It usually works pretty soon.
Amy Poehler: [ returns to her position at the desk, shakes her head ] Where am I..? What did I do, where are my pants?
Together: [ smiling ] Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody!!
[ the audience cheers ]
Amy Poehler: A Connecticut man is wearing a ski mask around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is a bank robber, terrorist or prowler. But, just to be safe, I’m gonna shoot him. [ audience groans ]
James Brown was finally laid to rest Saturday, at the home of one of his daughters. The body was placed in a mausoleum, with the simple inscription “I felt good.”
Seth Meyers: To help celebrate the 30th anniversary of “Star Wars”, the Postal Service is preparing new mailboxes painted to look like R2D2, even though everyone knows that it’s C3PO that really wants to hold your package.
This year’s Iditarod sled dog race was won by Lance Mackie — or, as his sled dogs call him: “Dead Weight.”
Amy Poehler: Angelina Jolie arrived in Vietnam on Wednesday, where she adopted a three-year old boy. The boy is excited to ocme to America, but a little bummed about having to quit his job.
Police in Nebraska say that two stray cats got into a house and attacked three people inside — while Brian Seltzer waited in the car.
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!
[ fade ]