Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 16
06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood
300
Director….Jason Sudeikis
Mitch….Peyton Manning
Blaine….Fred Armisen
Cameraman….Kenan Thompson
A.D. ….Kristen Wiig
Extra on a rock….Will Forte
[Opens with a building. Stage 18 Studio. Cut to theinside of it. They are shooting the epic flick 300.There’s a set with a blue screen in the back. A rockformation in the back also with a Spartan soldierwearing a red cape on it. Mitch is dressed up and madeup as a shirtless, bald, humongous freak. Blaine playsa regular Spartan soldier, red cape etc. The directoris giving them instructions]
Director: All right, Mitch, Mitch. Here’s what’s gonnahappen, all right. Huge battle is going on. We’ll begoing blue screen on a storm back here, all right? Youpick up this gigantic rock. You raise it over yourhead and you smash it down on Blaine’s head here.
Mitch: Gotcha.
Blaine: I’m like, cowering?
Director: Yeah, you’re terrified Blaine.
Blaine: I’m like freaking out cause this guy is gonnasplatter my brains everywhere.
Director: Correct. Yes.
Mitch: I’m on full-on monster mode?
Director: Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Let me see thosechompers. Give me a big snarl.
Mitch: Urrggghh!!!
Director: Beautiful, wonderful. All right, let’s shootthis thing. Let’s get into position.
[Walks away, stands by the cameraman]
A.D.: 300, scene 208, take one.[clack]
Director: And action!
[Blue screen is a stormy sky now. Mitch holds the fakegiant rock over his head. Blaine acts like he’sterrified of getting hit]
Blaine: Whooaa!!
Director: Action!
[Mitch just stands there holding the rock over his head]
Director: Ok, throw the rock, Mitch. Mitch, throw the rock!
Mitch: Grrrr!!!
Blaine: Ahhhh!!!
[Mitch is just frozen with the rock over his head]
Director: All right, throw it! Throw the rock, Mitch!Mitch, throw it!! Ok, let’s cut, let’s cut.[Goes overto Mitch] Ok, what happened?
Mitch: Oh, I’m supposed to throw it?
Director: Yes.
Mitch: Oh, so it’s not like special effects?
Director: No, no, no. This shot is you killing him with this rock.
Mitch: Right.
Director: Ok, so you’re good?
Mitch: Yeah, I’m good. Throw the rock.
Blaine:[playfully] Yeah, not too hard.
Director: Ok, let’s do it again.
[Walks back besides cameraman]
A.D.: 300, scene 208, take two.[clack]
Director: And action! Throw it!!
[Mitch just stands there. Big rock over his head]
Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!
Director: Throw the rock down on him, Mitch!! NOW!!Throw the rock, Mitch!! Can you hear me?!!
Mitch: Yeah.
Director: THROW THE ROCK THEN!!!!
Blaine: Ahhh!
Director: Augh! All right, cut it, cut it, cutit.[Goes over to Mitch] Mitch, Mitch. Are youphysically not able to throw the rock?
Mitch: I can throw it. Look.
[Throws fake rock, bounces off of Blaine]
Director: Ok, that’s great, that’s great! That’sexactly what I want! After I say action do exactlywhat you just did.
Mitch: Throw it down on him.
Director: Right on his head. All right? Show me those chompers.
Mitch: Grrrr!!!
Director: Ok, good. Let’s go, let’s go. Let’s do itagain.[Goes back besides cameraman]
A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 3.
Director: All right! Are you ready Mitch?!!
Mitch: Ready!
Director: Ok, after I say action what are you going to do?
Mitch: Throw the rock!
Director: All right. I’m getting ready to say action!
Mitch: Go ahead!
Director: Action!
Mitch: Grrrr!!!
Blaine: Aaahhh!!
[Mitch just stands there with the rock over his head]
Director: Mitch, come on! Throw the rock!!! Ple-e-e-ase!!!
Cameraman: Hey, throw the rock, man!!
Extra on a rock: Throw the rock!
Blaine: Do it, man! Throw the rock at me. Aaaahhh!!
[Nothing, Mitch is frozen]
Director: Oh, my God! CUT![goes to Mitch] Ok, what areyou doing to me, Mitch?
Mitch: I was gonna throw the rock. I was waiting for your cue.
Director: What cue are you waiting for?
Mitch: You tell me!
Director: What??!!
Blaine: What if I pull it down on my own head? Like, aaahh….
Director: No, that’s a stupid idea. Who would pull aboulder down on his own head?
Blaine: To hide from him or something….
Mitch: No, that’s totally dumb. I’ll get it this time.Let’s try it again.
Director: All right.
Cameraman: We got only 30 seconds of film left, man.We got to get this.
Director: Ok, Mitch. Seriously, please, dear God!!Just throw the boulder down on Blaine when I tell youto. Ok? Then we all get to go home.
Mitch: I heard you the first time. I’m not an idiot.
Director: Ok, we’re gonna shoot this one. Let’s go,let’s go. [Stands next to cameraman]
A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 4. [clack]
Director: Action!!
[Mitch frozen with the boulder over his head]
Director: OH MY GOD!!!Mitch!!Mitch!! It’s a battlescene! You are trying to kill Blaine! What you’regonna use? That rock, right? It’s got to come down!So, just throw it!!!
Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!
Cameraman: 10 seconds.
Mitch: Grrrr!!!
[Mitch frozen]
Director: Augh! THROW THE BOULDER!!!
Cameraman: Roll out. No more film.
Director: Cut!! Damn it!!
Mitch: How was that?
Director: You did great, yes, that was great, that wasgreat. Hey, everyone! This scene is cut from the film.
Mitch: Everyone! That’s a picture wrap for Mitch!Check the gate![leaves]
Blaine:[claps] C’mon guys, you did great.
Director: No, don’t clap.
[fade]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
