SNL Transcripts: Peyton Manning: 03/24/07: 300

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood


Director….Jason Sudeikis
Mitch….Peyton Manning
Blaine….Fred Armisen
Cameraman….Kenan Thompson
A.D. ….Kristen Wiig
Extra on a rock….Will Forte

[Opens with a building. Stage 18 Studio. Cut to theinside of it. They are shooting the epic flick 300.There’s a set with a blue screen in the back. A rockformation in the back also with a Spartan soldierwearing a red cape on it. Mitch is dressed up and madeup as a shirtless, bald, humongous freak. Blaine playsa regular Spartan soldier, red cape etc. The directoris giving them instructions]

Director: All right, Mitch, Mitch. Here’s what’s gonnahappen, all right. Huge battle is going on. We’ll begoing blue screen on a storm back here, all right? Youpick up this gigantic rock. You raise it over yourhead and you smash it down on Blaine’s head here.

Mitch: Gotcha.

Blaine: I’m like, cowering?

Director: Yeah, you’re terrified Blaine.

Blaine: I’m like freaking out cause this guy is gonnasplatter my brains everywhere.

Director: Correct. Yes.

Mitch: I’m on full-on monster mode?

Director: Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Let me see thosechompers. Give me a big snarl.

Mitch: Urrggghh!!!

Director: Beautiful, wonderful. All right, let’s shootthis thing. Let’s get into position.

[Walks away, stands by the cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take one.[clack]

Director: And action!

[Blue screen is a stormy sky now. Mitch holds the fakegiant rock over his head. Blaine acts like he’sterrified of getting hit]

Blaine: Whooaa!!

Director: Action!

[Mitch just stands there holding the rock over his head]

Director: Ok, throw the rock, Mitch. Mitch, throw the rock!

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Blaine: Ahhhh!!!

[Mitch is just frozen with the rock over his head]

Director: All right, throw it! Throw the rock, Mitch!Mitch, throw it!! Ok, let’s cut, let’s cut.[Goes overto Mitch] Ok, what happened?

Mitch: Oh, I’m supposed to throw it?

Director: Yes.

Mitch: Oh, so it’s not like special effects?

Director: No, no, no. This shot is you killing him with this rock.

Mitch: Right.

Director: Ok, so you’re good?

Mitch: Yeah, I’m good. Throw the rock.

Blaine:[playfully] Yeah, not too hard.

Director: Ok, let’s do it again.

[Walks back besides cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take two.[clack]

Director: And action! Throw it!!

[Mitch just stands there. Big rock over his head]

Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!

Director: Throw the rock down on him, Mitch!! NOW!!Throw the rock, Mitch!! Can you hear me?!!

Mitch: Yeah.


Blaine: Ahhh!

Director: Augh! All right, cut it, cut it, cutit.[Goes over to Mitch] Mitch, Mitch. Are youphysically not able to throw the rock?

Mitch: I can throw it. Look.

[Throws fake rock, bounces off of Blaine]

Director: Ok, that’s great, that’s great! That’sexactly what I want! After I say action do exactlywhat you just did.

Mitch: Throw it down on him.

Director: Right on his head. All right? Show me those chompers.

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Director: Ok, good. Let’s go, let’s go. Let’s do itagain.[Goes back besides cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 3.

Director: All right! Are you ready Mitch?!!

Mitch: Ready!

Director: Ok, after I say action what are you going to do?

Mitch: Throw the rock!

Director: All right. I’m getting ready to say action!

Mitch: Go ahead!

Director: Action!

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Blaine: Aaahhh!!

[Mitch just stands there with the rock over his head]

Director: Mitch, come on! Throw the rock!!! Ple-e-e-ase!!!

Cameraman: Hey, throw the rock, man!!

Extra on a rock: Throw the rock!

Blaine: Do it, man! Throw the rock at me. Aaaahhh!!

[Nothing, Mitch is frozen]

Director: Oh, my God! CUT![goes to Mitch] Ok, what areyou doing to me, Mitch?

Mitch: I was gonna throw the rock. I was waiting for your cue.

Director: What cue are you waiting for?

Mitch: You tell me!

Director: What??!!

Blaine: What if I pull it down on my own head? Like, aaahh….

Director: No, that’s a stupid idea. Who would pull aboulder down on his own head?

Blaine: To hide from him or something….

Mitch: No, that’s totally dumb. I’ll get it this time.Let’s try it again.

Director: All right.

Cameraman: We got only 30 seconds of film left, man.We got to get this.

Director: Ok, Mitch. Seriously, please, dear God!!Just throw the boulder down on Blaine when I tell youto. Ok? Then we all get to go home.

Mitch: I heard you the first time. I’m not an idiot.

Director: Ok, we’re gonna shoot this one. Let’s go,let’s go. [Stands next to cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 4. [clack]

Director: Action!!

[Mitch frozen with the boulder over his head]

Director: OH MY GOD!!!Mitch!!Mitch!! It’s a battlescene! You are trying to kill Blaine! What you’regonna use? That rock, right? It’s got to come down!So, just throw it!!!

Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!

Cameraman: 10 seconds.

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

[Mitch frozen]

Director: Augh! THROW THE BOULDER!!!

Cameraman: Roll out. No more film.

Director: Cut!! Damn it!!

Mitch: How was that?

Director: You did great, yes, that was great, that wasgreat. Hey, everyone! This scene is cut from the film.

Mitch: Everyone! That’s a picture wrap for Mitch!Check the gate![leaves]

Blaine:[claps] C’mon guys, you did great.

Director: No, don’t clap.


[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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