SNL Transcripts: Peyton Manning: 03/24/07: 300



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16





06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

300

Director….Jason Sudeikis
Mitch….Peyton Manning
Blaine….Fred Armisen
Cameraman….Kenan Thompson
A.D. ….Kristen Wiig
Extra on a rock….Will Forte

[Opens with a building. Stage 18 Studio. Cut to theinside of it. They are shooting the epic flick 300.There’s a set with a blue screen in the back. A rockformation in the back also with a Spartan soldierwearing a red cape on it. Mitch is dressed up and madeup as a shirtless, bald, humongous freak. Blaine playsa regular Spartan soldier, red cape etc. The directoris giving them instructions]

Director: All right, Mitch, Mitch. Here’s what’s gonnahappen, all right. Huge battle is going on. We’ll begoing blue screen on a storm back here, all right? Youpick up this gigantic rock. You raise it over yourhead and you smash it down on Blaine’s head here.

Mitch: Gotcha.

Blaine: I’m like, cowering?

Director: Yeah, you’re terrified Blaine.

Blaine: I’m like freaking out cause this guy is gonnasplatter my brains everywhere.

Director: Correct. Yes.

Mitch: I’m on full-on monster mode?

Director: Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Let me see thosechompers. Give me a big snarl.

Mitch: Urrggghh!!!

Director: Beautiful, wonderful. All right, let’s shootthis thing. Let’s get into position.

[Walks away, stands by the cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take one.[clack]

Director: And action!

[Blue screen is a stormy sky now. Mitch holds the fakegiant rock over his head. Blaine acts like he’sterrified of getting hit]

Blaine: Whooaa!!

Director: Action!

[Mitch just stands there holding the rock over his head]

Director: Ok, throw the rock, Mitch. Mitch, throw the rock!

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Blaine: Ahhhh!!!

[Mitch is just frozen with the rock over his head]

Director: All right, throw it! Throw the rock, Mitch!Mitch, throw it!! Ok, let’s cut, let’s cut.[Goes overto Mitch] Ok, what happened?

Mitch: Oh, I’m supposed to throw it?

Director: Yes.

Mitch: Oh, so it’s not like special effects?

Director: No, no, no. This shot is you killing him with this rock.

Mitch: Right.

Director: Ok, so you’re good?

Mitch: Yeah, I’m good. Throw the rock.

Blaine:[playfully] Yeah, not too hard.

Director: Ok, let’s do it again.

[Walks back besides cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take two.[clack]

Director: And action! Throw it!!

[Mitch just stands there. Big rock over his head]

Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!

Director: Throw the rock down on him, Mitch!! NOW!!Throw the rock, Mitch!! Can you hear me?!!

Mitch: Yeah.

Director: THROW THE ROCK THEN!!!!

Blaine: Ahhh!

Director: Augh! All right, cut it, cut it, cutit.[Goes over to Mitch] Mitch, Mitch. Are youphysically not able to throw the rock?

Mitch: I can throw it. Look.

[Throws fake rock, bounces off of Blaine]

Director: Ok, that’s great, that’s great! That’sexactly what I want! After I say action do exactlywhat you just did.

Mitch: Throw it down on him.

Director: Right on his head. All right? Show me those chompers.

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Director: Ok, good. Let’s go, let’s go. Let’s do itagain.[Goes back besides cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 3.

Director: All right! Are you ready Mitch?!!

Mitch: Ready!

Director: Ok, after I say action what are you going to do?

Mitch: Throw the rock!

Director: All right. I’m getting ready to say action!

Mitch: Go ahead!

Director: Action!

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Blaine: Aaahhh!!

[Mitch just stands there with the rock over his head]

Director: Mitch, come on! Throw the rock!!! Ple-e-e-ase!!!

Cameraman: Hey, throw the rock, man!!

Extra on a rock: Throw the rock!

Blaine: Do it, man! Throw the rock at me. Aaaahhh!!

[Nothing, Mitch is frozen]

Director: Oh, my God! CUT![goes to Mitch] Ok, what areyou doing to me, Mitch?

Mitch: I was gonna throw the rock. I was waiting for your cue.

Director: What cue are you waiting for?

Mitch: You tell me!

Director: What??!!

Blaine: What if I pull it down on my own head? Like, aaahh….

Director: No, that’s a stupid idea. Who would pull aboulder down on his own head?

Blaine: To hide from him or something….

Mitch: No, that’s totally dumb. I’ll get it this time.Let’s try it again.

Director: All right.

Cameraman: We got only 30 seconds of film left, man.We got to get this.

Director: Ok, Mitch. Seriously, please, dear God!!Just throw the boulder down on Blaine when I tell youto. Ok? Then we all get to go home.

Mitch: I heard you the first time. I’m not an idiot.

Director: Ok, we’re gonna shoot this one. Let’s go,let’s go. [Stands next to cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 4. [clack]

Director: Action!!

[Mitch frozen with the boulder over his head]

Director: OH MY GOD!!!Mitch!!Mitch!! It’s a battlescene! You are trying to kill Blaine! What you’regonna use? That rock, right? It’s got to come down!So, just throw it!!!

Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!

Cameraman: 10 seconds.

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

[Mitch frozen]

Director: Augh! THROW THE BOULDER!!!

Cameraman: Roll out. No more film.

Director: Cut!! Damn it!!

Mitch: How was that?

Director: You did great, yes, that was great, that wasgreat. Hey, everyone! This scene is cut from the film.

Mitch: Everyone! That’s a picture wrap for Mitch!Check the gate![leaves]

Blaine:[claps] C’mon guys, you did great.

Director: No, don’t clap.

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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