Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 16
Locker Room Motivation
Teammate 1….Bill Hader
Teammate 2….Kenan Thompson
Teammate 3….Fred Armisen
Teammate 4….Jason Sudeikis
Teammate 5….Andy Samberg
[Opens with a demoralized basketball team entering thelocker room. Some sit on a bench, some stand behind. Amustached coach enters, clipboard in hand]
Coach: All right, listen up! I see a lot of mopeyfaces around here. Granted, we’re down by 34 points,McMillan broke his ankle and our cheerleaders havestarted to cheering for the other team. That doesn’tmean we can’t come back and win this thing. Wally, yougot something you wanna say?
Wally: Yeah, coach. Guys, this is my senior year andas team captain this is not how I wanna end my lastgame. So you guys listen up and listen good. Let’s getthe “f” outta here. I mean, there’s an exit near theshowers. We can get back to the bus and get back toDes Moines before they even know we’re gone.[The team agrees, they start to head out.]
Coach: Come on, sit your buns back down.[Team sitsdown] Ok, we can’t just give up.
Wally: But coach this guys are so good and I’m very,very scared of them. Can I be real with you right now?I mean like really, really, really real.
Wally: I just thought about going out there for thesecond half and a little bit of pee came out.
Coach: Guys, if I gave up every time I’ve peed mypants out of fear I would not be married. I would nothave 3 out of my 4 kids and I definitely would not bestanding here in front of you right now. No, feel mypants. They’re soaking with urine. Seriously, feelthem. Somebody? Anybody? They are soaking.
Wally: Look coach it’s no use, all right. We suck. AndI know for a fact that we can’t win this game. And I’dmuch rather head home. Bake some snicker-doodles witha few of my bro’s and then practice french-kissingwith my french-kissing puppet. So, all in favor ofgetting the “f” outta here say “Aye”.
Wally: All opposed?
Coach: Nay!!![throws clipboard to the floor] You know,one time I was on a team that was down by 56 points inhalf-time. 56 points! But then Coach John Wooten.Coach John Wooten! Came in on the locker room and heplayed us a song. And that song got us so fired upthat we went out there and managed the biggestcomeback in college basketball history![shows a tape] I brought that song with me tonight. And all I ask ofyou is to listen to this song once and then decide ifyou’re gonna run home with your tail between your legsor if you want to go back out there and kick the snotout of those bastards.[Pop tape into radio. Casino Royale theme plays. Think60’s instrumental supermarket or elevator music. Coachtakes the song in. He is getting into it. Beat picksup, he gets more into it and cannot contain himself.Smiles big, dances moving side by side, arms extended,eyes closed, jumps up and down, makes like a gateclosing down with his arm, cups his hand up to hisear, jump in one place, he’s ecstatic. Song climaxes,he’s more happy than before, he’s in rapture, turnsaround, jumps, twirls.] [At this point Bill Hader is cracking up hard. Hecovers his face with his hand. Peyton Manning is alsolaughing, he covers his smile with a towel. KenanThompson smiles too so does Fred Armisen. JasonSudeikis and Andy Sandberg are the only ones that keepa straight face]
Coach: Whooooa!!! Boys, can you feel it!! Wally??!!
Wally: I’m feeling it, Coach![Wally gets up, starts dancing around, moves his hips,snaps his fingers. Coach and Wally do circles, armslocked into each other, they playfully bump eachothers hips. Wally plays air guitar with the coach’sleg. The coach pretends to play air drums.]
Coach: Ok, now who’s ready to kick some BUTT!!!
Wally: Let’s do it!!!![Coach and Wally get out of the locker room towardsthe basketball court dancing and jumping around. Thewhole team stays behind.]
Teammate 1: Let’s get the “f” outta here!!
Teammates: Yeah!![Team leaves] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel