SNL Transcripts: Peyton Manning: 03/24/06: Peyton Manning’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Peyton Manning’s Monologue

…..Peyton Manning

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Peyton Manning!

Peyton Manning: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s such an honor and a thrill to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live.” It’s been a fun year for me, as I’ve accomplished two of my lifelong goals: 1) I appeared in over half of America’s television commercials, and, uh, 2) my team, The Colts, won the Super Bowl. So, uh —

[ audience cheers loudly ]

You know, when you win the Super Bowl, the biggest challenge is not having a letdown year the next year, and so you ask, “How do I stay motivated?” Well, let me tell you a little story. I was recently visiting a Veteran’s Hospital in Boston, and I sat with Joe O’Malley — 85 years old, an incredible guy — and he said to me, “Peyton, what do Tom Brady and the circus have in common?” I said, “What’s that, Joe?” He said, “They both have two more rings than you do.” [ audience reaction is mixed between laughter and groans, which Peyton shrugs off ] You know, I really — Joe, honestly, I want to say Thanks, because of that comment I’m gonna go back and work hard to be sure and kick y’all’s ass next year! [ audience cheers ]

You know — and I have to say, finally getting a Super Bowl ring has helped me realize what’s most important in my life, and that’s family. for those of you who don’t know, I come from a football family. They mean the world to me, and some of them are here tonight. I’d like to introduce them to you, if I could. First, there’s my father — Archie Manning is here! Dad, stand up!

[ the audience cheers as Archie Manning, New Orleans Saints, Houston Oilers, Minnesota Vikings, stands among them ]

My dad was an NFL quarterback for fifteen years — he taught me everything I know! My brother, eli Manning, is here!

[ the audience cheers as Eli Manning, New York Giants, stands among them ]

Of course, you know Eli is a quarterback for the New York Giants. My wonderful mother, Olivia, is here!

[ the audience cheers as Olivia Manning stands among them ] [ somber ] She didn’t make it to the NFL, uh — she didn’t have what it took. She got cut by the Dolphins, she tried in Canada for a bit, uh — she’s a real disappoint to all of us, uh, you know — she’s still a great lady, and we love her.

I am happy they’re here. I’m happy you’re here. Carrie Underwood is here, also. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

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