SNL Transcripts: Peyton Manning: 03/24/06: Peyton Manning’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Peyton Manning’s Monologue

…..Peyton Manning

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Peyton Manning!

Peyton Manning: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s such an honor and a thrill to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live.” It’s been a fun year for me, as I’ve accomplished two of my lifelong goals: 1) I appeared in over half of America’s television commercials, and, uh, 2) my team, The Colts, won the Super Bowl. So, uh —

[ audience cheers loudly ]

You know, when you win the Super Bowl, the biggest challenge is not having a letdown year the next year, and so you ask, “How do I stay motivated?” Well, let me tell you a little story. I was recently visiting a Veteran’s Hospital in Boston, and I sat with Joe O’Malley — 85 years old, an incredible guy — and he said to me, “Peyton, what do Tom Brady and the circus have in common?” I said, “What’s that, Joe?” He said, “They both have two more rings than you do.” [ audience reaction is mixed between laughter and groans, which Peyton shrugs off ] You know, I really — Joe, honestly, I want to say Thanks, because of that comment I’m gonna go back and work hard to be sure and kick y’all’s ass next year! [ audience cheers ]

You know — and I have to say, finally getting a Super Bowl ring has helped me realize what’s most important in my life, and that’s family. for those of you who don’t know, I come from a football family. They mean the world to me, and some of them are here tonight. I’d like to introduce them to you, if I could. First, there’s my father — Archie Manning is here! Dad, stand up!

[ the audience cheers as Archie Manning, New Orleans Saints, Houston Oilers, Minnesota Vikings, stands among them ]

My dad was an NFL quarterback for fifteen years — he taught me everything I know! My brother, eli Manning, is here!

[ the audience cheers as Eli Manning, New York Giants, stands among them ]

Of course, you know Eli is a quarterback for the New York Giants. My wonderful mother, Olivia, is here!

[ the audience cheers as Olivia Manning stands among them ] [ somber ] She didn’t make it to the NFL, uh — she didn’t have what it took. She got cut by the Dolphins, she tried in Canada for a bit, uh — she’s a real disappoint to all of us, uh, you know — she’s still a great lady, and we love her.

I am happy they’re here. I’m happy you’re here. Carrie Underwood is here, also. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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