Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 16
Penelope the Party Pooper
[ open on exterior, two-story house, night ]
Nicole V/O: Oh, Sue — this house is so beautiful![ dissolve to interior, dining room, Nicole with her arms around Anthony as she speaks to Sue during an elegant party ]
Glenn: Yeah. Thank you so much for inviting us.
Sue: Of course! Excuse me, guys — I have to go check on the caterer, so relax, have another drink, and please eat!
Nicole: Oh, thank you.[ Sue exits the scene, as Nicole and Glenn step closer to the food ]
Nicole: Wow! She got a caterer!
Glenn: They really went all out. I’ve never seen this many hors d’oeuvres.[ Penelope enters frame, endlessly twirling her fingers within the dangling curls of her hair in a semi-bored fashion ]
Penelope: I have. Yeah, I’ve seen more hors d’oeuvres than this, so — I’ve just really been to a lot of big parties before, so —
Nicole: Oh, maybe you can help us out. I don’t even know what half of these things are —
Penelope: I do. I know all of them. I’ve had all of these before, at other parties I’ve been invited to, so — I’ve just been to a lot of parties. [ points to an hors d’oeuvres ] That one has crab in it.
Glenn: I’m sorry. We haven’t met. I’m Glenn, this is my wife Nicole.[ Penelope and Nicole shake hands ]
Penelope: Happy to meet you.
Nicole: It’s nice to meet you. So, how do you know sue and Anthony?
Penelope: We’re really good friends. So — we’ve known each other for a really long time. I just know them really well. Probably better than a lot of people here, so —
Glenn: Oh — oh, well, uh — we met them at Lamaze class, six months ago.
Penelope: [ quickly ] I’ve known them for, like, seven years. So, just a little bit longer. I’ve just known them for a relaly long time, so — longer, just better friends. So — longer than you guys. So —[ Anthony enters the scene ]
Anthony: Hey, guys! Glad you could make it! [ shakes hands with Glenn and hugs Nicole ]
Glenn: So are we. This is the first time we’ve been out of the house since Rachel was born.
Nicole: Yeah, my mom’s in town. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her.
Glenn: She’s really been a big help.
Penelope: [ butting in ] My mom helps me out a lot, too! So — she helps me a lot, she’s always helping me with anything. So, my mom helps me a lot, too, so —
Anthony: I see you guys have, uh, had the pleasure of meeting Penelope?
Penelope: Yeah — [ chuckles ] And we met earlier tonight, so we know wach other — we’ve known each other for a while, so I know everyone at this party now. So — so, I know everybody.
Anthony: Nicole, you can’t even tell you just had a baby. You look great!
Nicole: Oh, thank you! I lost the first fifteen pounds pretty easily, the doctors —
Penelope: [ leans into frame ] I just lost twenty pounds! So — twenty.. twenty-five pounds, so — a little over twenty. So — [ leans out of frame ]
Nicole: Um — we were just telling Sue how much we love your new house!
Penelope: [ leans in again ] I do, too — it’s my favorite house — it’s my favorite house I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s my favorite house. So — [ leans back out ]
Glenn: You really went all out wih this party.
Anthony: Yeah, a little overboard. I even flew out, uh — [ point to Penelope ] Sue’s cousin, to surprise her.
Penelope: Yeah, I have a lot of cousins, too, so — More than one. Just a lot of cousins. We’re really close, too. Just anniversaries, holidays — just parties. One time, they flew me out for a tea party, so —
Glenn: Great. Uh — [ to Anthony ] How’s your brother, Jim, doing?
Anthony: Jim? He’s good. He’s really good. Just started Law school.
Penelope: I have a brother, Jim, too. He’s in Law SChool — started a log time ago, though, so — top of his class.
Glenn: Tell Jim I said Hi.
Penelope: I already told him you said Hi, so — I told him.
Sue: [ calling out ] Hey! Attention! Attention, everyone! Um — can I have everyone’s attention? Uh — first of all, I just want to say Thank You —
Penelope: [ squeezes into frame ] I also want to thank everybody for coming.
Sue: Um — on behalf of Anthony and I, I just wanted to thank all of you for coming tonight —
Penelope: Thank all of you for coming tonight.
Sue: We-we feel so blessed —
Penelope: I feel really blessed, too — a lot of really good things in my life, you know?
Sue: Not only for this new home —
Penelope: I have a new house, too — it’s really big.
Sue: But for all of our amazing friends —
Penelope: I have a lot of friends, too — a lot of friends —
Sue: Penelope, why do you always do this? You totally embarrassed yourself.
Penelope: I did it, that’s me — I embarrassed myself, so, everybody, look at me —
Glenn: She really doesn’t stop, does she? [ steps closer to Penelope ] Hey, Penelope? Guess what. I have a cousin that lives in space, and I recently lost five-hundred pounds, and you know what? My wife and I got here by paddling a kayak down the street, and two minutes after my baby was born, she spke French.
Nicole: Glenn! [ embarrassed ]
Penelope: That’s — all I have to say is: I have sixty cousins that live in space and other dimsensions, um — I just lost seven-hundred pounds, and, um, I invented kayaks, and I invented the streets, so — um — I have six babies now, who spoke forty-four languages before they came out of my stomach, um — and, uh — I can fly, so — [ she continues to ramble on as the group quickly disperses ]
Glenn: Honey, let’s get our coats.
Nicole: Yeah. [ they exit the room, as most of the other guests follow suit ]
Anthony: I’m sorry! Guys, don’t go! [ chases after his friends ]
Sue: Thanks a lot, Penelope.
Penelope: She’s thanking me, so — [ a couple stands next to her ] I have this table — I have that putfit, too, so —[ fade ]