SNL Transcripts: Peyton Manning: 03/24/07: Penelope the Party Pooper



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16







06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Penelope the Party Pooper

Nicole…..Maya Rudolph
Glenn…..Peyton Manning
Sue…..Amy Poehler
Penelope…..Kristen Wiig
Anthony…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, two-story house, night ]

Nicole V/O: Oh, Sue — this house is so beautiful!

[ dissolve to interior, dining room, Nicole with her arms around Anthony as she speaks to Sue during an elegant party ]

Glenn: Yeah. Thank you so much for inviting us.

Sue: Of course! Excuse me, guys — I have to go check on the caterer, so relax, have another drink, and please eat!

Nicole: Oh, thank you.

[ Sue exits the scene, as Nicole and Glenn step closer to the food ]

Nicole: Wow! She got a caterer!

Glenn: They really went all out. I’ve never seen this many hors d’oeuvres.

[ Penelope enters frame, endlessly twirling her fingers within the dangling curls of her hair in a semi-bored fashion ]

Penelope: I have. Yeah, I’ve seen more hors d’oeuvres than this, so — I’ve just really been to a lot of big parties before, so —

Nicole: Oh, maybe you can help us out. I don’t even know what half of these things are

Penelope: I do. I know all of them. I’ve had all of these before, at other parties I’ve been invited to, so — I’ve just been to a lot of parties. [ points to an hors d’oeuvres ] That one has crab in it.

Glenn: I’m sorry. We haven’t met. I’m Glenn, this is my wife Nicole.

[ Penelope and Nicole shake hands ]

Penelope: Happy to meet you.

Nicole: It’s nice to meet you. So, how do you know sue and Anthony?

Penelope: We’re really good friends. So — we’ve known each other for a really long time. I just know them really well. Probably better than a lot of people here, so —

Glenn: Oh — oh, well, uh — we met them at Lamaze class, six months ago.

Penelope: [ quickly ] I’ve known them for, like, seven years. So, just a little bit longer. I’ve just known them for a relaly long time, so — longer, just better friends. So — longer than you guys. So —

[ Anthony enters the scene ]

Anthony: Hey, guys! Glad you could make it! [ shakes hands with Glenn and hugs Nicole ]

Glenn: So are we. This is the first time we’ve been out of the house since Rachel was born.

Nicole: Yeah, my mom’s in town. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her.

Glenn: She’s really been a big help.

Penelope: [ butting in ] My mom helps me out a lot, too! So — she helps me a lot, she’s always helping me with anything. So, my mom helps me a lot, too, so —

Anthony: I see you guys have, uh, had the pleasure of meeting Penelope?

Nicole: Yes.

Penelope: Yeah — [ chuckles ] And we met earlier tonight, so we know wach other — we’ve known each other for a while, so I know everyone at this party now. So — so, I know everybody.

Anthony: Nicole, you can’t even tell you just had a baby. You look great!

Nicole: Oh, thank you! I lost the first fifteen pounds pretty easily, the doctors —

Penelope: [ leans into frame ] I just lost twenty pounds! So — twenty.. twenty-five pounds, so — a little over twenty. So — [ leans out of frame ]

Nicole: Um — we were just telling Sue how much we love your new house!

Penelope: [ leans in again ] I do, too — it’s my favorite house — it’s my favorite house I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s my favorite house. So — [ leans back out ]

Glenn: You really went all out wih this party.

Anthony: Yeah, a little overboard. I even flew out, uh — [ point to Penelope ] Sue’s cousin, to surprise her.

Penelope: Yeah, I have a lot of cousins, too, so — More than one. Just a lot of cousins. We’re really close, too. Just anniversaries, holidays — just parties. One time, they flew me out for a tea party, so —

Glenn: Great. Uh — [ to Anthony ] How’s your brother, Jim, doing?

Anthony: Jim? He’s good. He’s really good. Just started Law school.

Penelope: I have a brother, Jim, too. He’s in Law SChool — started a log time ago, though, so — top of his class.

Glenn: Tell Jim I said Hi.

Penelope: I already told him you said Hi, so — I told him.

Sue: [ calling out ] Hey! Attention! Attention, everyone! Um — can I have everyone’s attention? Uh — first of all, I just want to say Thank You —

Penelope: [ squeezes into frame ] I also want to thank everybody for coming.

Sue: Um — on behalf of Anthony and I, I just wanted to thank all of you for coming tonight —

Penelope: Thank all of you for coming tonight.

Sue: We-we feel so blessed —

Penelope: I feel really blessed, too — a lot of really good things in my life, you know?

Sue: Not only for this new home —

Penelope: I have a new house, too — it’s really big.

Sue: But for all of our amazing friends —

Penelope: I have a lot of friends, too — a lot of friends —

Sue: Penelope, why do you always do this? You totally embarrassed yourself.

Penelope: I did it, that’s me — I embarrassed myself, so, everybody, look at me

Glenn: She really doesn’t stop, does she? [ steps closer to Penelope ] Hey, Penelope? Guess what. I have a cousin that lives in space, and I recently lost five-hundred pounds, and you know what? My wife and I got here by paddling a kayak down the street, and two minutes after my baby was born, she spke French.

Nicole: Glenn! [ embarrassed ]

Penelope: That’s — all I have to say is: I have sixty cousins that live in space and other dimsensions, um — I just lost seven-hundred pounds, and, um, I invented kayaks, and I invented the streets, so — um — I have six babies now, who spoke forty-four languages before they came out of my stomach, um — and, uh — I can fly, so — [ she continues to ramble on as the group quickly disperses ]

Glenn: Honey, let’s get our coats.

Nicole: Yeah. [ they exit the room, as most of the other guests follow suit ]

Anthony: I’m sorry! Guys, don’t go! [ chases after his friends ]

Sue: Thanks a lot, Penelope.

Penelope: She’s thanking me, so — [ a couple stands next to her ] I have this table — I have that putfit, too, so —

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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