Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 16
ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party
Chris Graham…..Jason Sudeikis
Ted Trimble…..Peyton Manning
Mandy Jensen…..Amy Poehler
[ open on stock footage of a professional basketball game ]
Chris Graham V/O: I guess it must be March!
[ graphic: “ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party” appears onscreen ]
[ dissolve to Chris Graham and his guests seated behind a desk in the ESPN Studios ]
Chris Graham: Hello, everybody! And welcome to ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party! I’m Chris Graham! Now, take out your office pool sheets, Class — I’ve got your midterm grades right here! [ holds up a basketball pool sheet ] Some huge upsets in this tournament, and, unless you picked them, you’re looking at a D or C-minus. Not so with tonight’s guests — they did see those upsets coming, and that’s why, out of 25,000 contestants, they’re currently the top two leaders in ESPN’s National NCAA Tournament Pool. They are: [ show a grinning Ted Trimble ] Ted Trimble, sports writer for the Raleigh News & Observer; he also edits the weekly college basketball hotline, and is the author, with Dick Vitale, of “College Basketball: A to Z.” [ show smiling Mandy Jensen ] And Mandy Jensen, a recent graduate of Sweetbrier College, and currently a receptionist at the corporate headquarters of Teen Vogue Magazine. Incidentally, this is Mandy’s first NCAA Tournament Pool. Alright.
[ show stock footage of a professional basketbal game ]
Chris Graham: Last Sunday, USC stuns the tournament by beating Texas. A SHOCKER! But, TEd, you called it.
[ cut to Ted, then show his pool sheet with check marks around USC and Texas ]
Ted Trimble: Chris, I have said all year that USC played GREAT tracking defense. The very type of defense that’ll give Texas fits, and it did!
Chris Graham: Mmm-hmm. Mandy, you picked Texas to lose as well — what was your thinking?
Mandy Jensen: Um.. well.. first of all, Texas uniforms are orange.. so, right there, Texas and I have a BIG problem! [ smiles, laughs ]
Chris Graham: Uh-huh.
Mandy Jensen: This is not a tough call.
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, complete with a pink heart around USC and the notes “Orange” and “Hideous!!!” surrounding Texas ]
Chris Graham: I see.
Mandy Jensen: Texas, if you’re listening: We do Tangerine, we do Coral, but, I’m sorry, we do NOT do Orange!
Chris Graham: Okay. Another huge upset last week for virginia Commonwealth — an eleventh-seat beating sixth-seated Duke. Ted, how did you pick that?
[ show Ted’s pool sheet as he speaks ]
Ted Trimble: Chris, Duke could crush any other eleventh-seat, but, with VCU, it’s a tough match-up.
Chris Graham: Mmm-hmm. Alright, Mandy, you also had Duke losing.
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Oh, I would never pick Duke!
Chris Graham: Uh, why?
Mandy Jensen: Because, in college, I had a roommate named Duke — Catherine Duke. A total BITCH, and a WHORE. [ smiles awkwardly ] And I found out she’d been sleeping with, like, five of my boyfriends!
[ show college photo of Catherine Duke ]
Chris Graham: Well, that must have been devestating.
Mandy Jensen: I cried for a whole semester. Because of that, I HAD to go with Virginia Commonwealth the first round! [ smiles ]
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, complete with a caricature of Catherine Duke labeled “Huge Whore!!!!!” and a pink heart around VCU ]
Chris Graham: I can see that, I guess. [ awkwardly ] Well, you made the right call. Of course, nobody’s right all the time. Ted, last week, in an upset, Butler beat the heavily-favored Terps of Maryland.
Ted Trimble: I know.
Chris Graham: You picked Maryland.
Ted Trimble: I never imagined Maryland losing.
Chris Graham: Hmm. Well, don’t feel bad — nobody saw that coming. [ a beat ] Mandy, you saw that coming? How?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Uh, this was tough at first. But then I learned that Butler are the BULLDOGS! How cute is that!
Chris Graham: [ confused ] Uh, it is very cute.
Mandy Jensen: SO cute!
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, with a pink heart around Butler and the words “Bulldog So Cute!!!” next to it ]
Chris Graham: So.. in this game, you went with Butler over Maryland — the right pick — because, in your analysis, Bulldogs are cuter than Terps?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Exactly! I don’t know what Terps are, but NOTHING is cuter than a bulldog! Except turtles.
Chris Graham: Oh. [ smiles ] Well, actually, a Terp is a turtle.
Mandy Jensen: Seriously? [ smiles ] It’s a good thing I didn’t know that! [ laughs ]
Chris Graham: [ nods his head ] Uh-huh.
Mandy Jensen: Oh! But can I add something about Butler? Instead of the Bulldogs, they should be called the Miniature Bulldogs!
Chris Graham: [ thinking ] Because.. that would be even cuter?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Exactly!
[ cut to Ted, who looks extremely pissed about Mandy’s sports logic ]
Chris Graham: In another First Round upset, Arizona losing to Purdue, and it wasn’t even close. Ted, you stumbled here as well, picking Arizona.
Ted Trimble: Arizona really let me down!
Chris Graham: Well, they always do. This year, Arizona was supposed to make the Elite Eight. Instead, once again, they turned out to be the Tournament’s Peyton Manning.
[ Ted shoots a confused glance at Chris ]
Ted Trimble: What do you mean?
Chris Graham: Well, you know how, every year, Arizons comes in with impressive stats and all the hype, and, every year, they.. fizzle out!
Ted Trimble: Yeah.. sure. But why is that a Peyton Manning?
Chris Graham: You know that expression.
Ted Trimble: No.
Mandy Jensen: Um.. it’s like — how do I put this? when someone has this great reputation, but you always wonder why, because, when it really counts, they can’t deliver?
Chris Graham: Exactly! Exactly!
Ted Trimble: Yeah, fine, but.. still — why a Peyton Manning? I don’t get it!
Chris Graham: [ chuckles ] I think you’re missing the point! Uh — basically, the point is: like the rest of us, you bought the Arizona hype, and, when they did their usual Peyton Manning, you got burned! But, hey — on this one, you’re hardly alone. Who thought Arizona would lose? [ turns to Mandy ] Mandy, you thought Arizona wouldlose. [ Mandy smiles ] Any particular reason? Such as, for example, a sports-related reason?
[ Ted waves his arm ]
Ted Trimble: Oh, let me guess. Because Arizona Tea is, like, so fattening, is that it?
Mandy Jensen: [ nods sheepishly ] That sounds right! Yep, that was it!
[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, with the words “Iced Tea: So Fattening!!” next to Arizona and a pink heart around Purdue ]
Chris Graham: Oh, good call, Ted! Uh, Mandy, just so you know — there’s no connection between the University of Arizona and Arizona Iced Tea.
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles, surprised ] Really? Well, I guess on this one, I was just lucky! [ laughs ]
Chris Graham: [ stares silently at the camera ] With 58 games played thus far, Ted is off to a blistering 56-and-2 start. [ Ted fumes ] While Mandy is at an equally impressive 58-and-0. [ Mandy smiles ] Mandy, as you know, the winner of this pool will receive tickets — LIFETIME tickets — to the Final Four. [ Ted looks to the sky and sighs ] Are you a big college hoops fan?
Mandy Jensen: Not really! [ smiles ] Um, I’m gonna donate them to a charity called Fighting Chance.
Chris Graham: Which is?
Mandy Jensen: It’s a shelter for cats that have been overfed!
Chris Graham: Good for you, Mandy. Good for you. We’re about out of time, but, before we go, let’s talk about tie-breakers. Although you hold a slight lead over Ted, of course he could still catch you, if those Mayland and Arizona picks don’t come back to bite him! [ chuckles ]
Ted Trimble: Hey, Chris: [ gives an obscene hand gesture ]
Chris Graham: Whoa! Hey! Hey!
Ted Trimble: And, by the way — Peyton Manning? He is a great quarterback.
Chris Graham: Sure. Whatever.
Mandy Jensen: Who’s Peyton Manning?
Ted Trimble: You’ve never heard of Peyton Manning?
Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] No. I thought that was just an expression.
Ted Trimble: No, he plays for the Colts, and he IS amazing!
Mandy Jensen: Is he cute?
Chris Graham: [ chuckles ] Well! I think it’s safe to say you’d never hear of Peyton Manning described as “cute”!
Ted Trimble: I have!
Chris Graham: Yeah, well, whatever!
Ted Trimble: I HAVE!!
Chris Graham: Okay! I believe you. Geez!
Ted Trimble: You know what? [ stands ] I’m done here!
Chris Graham: What? What are you doing, Ted?
Ted Trimble: You know, this pool used to be FUN! Back when it was a pool for MEN! Men who knew something about SPORTS!! [ throws his lapel mike across the desk and storms off ]
Chris Graham: Oh, Ted! Come on! You’re still in this!! Don’t quit, Ted!! Don’t pull a Peyton Manning!!! You’re better than that, Ted!!!
Mandy Jensen: [ sheepishly ] Did I say something?
Chris Graham: No, no, it’s not you. He was like this with the Oscar Pool.
Mandy Jensen: Oh. [ smiles ] I WON THAT!!
Chris Graham: Hmm. [ to the camera ] Anyway, that’s it for us tonight.
Mandy Jensen: That is so FUNNY!!
Chris Graham: I’m Chris Graham. For everybody here at ESPN — so long!
[ fade ]