SNL Transcripts: Peyton Manning: 03/24/07: ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party

Chris Graham…..Jason Sudeikis
Ted Trimble…..Peyton Manning
Mandy Jensen…..Amy Poehler

[ open on stock footage of a professional basketball game ]

Chris Graham V/O: I guess it must be March!

[ graphic: “ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party” appears onscreen ]

[ dissolve to Chris Graham and his guests seated behind a desk in the ESPN Studios ]

Chris Graham: Hello, everybody! And welcome to ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party! I’m Chris Graham! Now, take out your office pool sheets, Class — I’ve got your midterm grades right here! [ holds up a basketball pool sheet ] Some huge upsets in this tournament, and, unless you picked them, you’re looking at a D or C-minus. Not so with tonight’s guests — they did see those upsets coming, and that’s why, out of 25,000 contestants, they’re currently the top two leaders in ESPN’s National NCAA Tournament Pool. They are: [ show a grinning Ted Trimble ] Ted Trimble, sports writer for the Raleigh News & Observer; he also edits the weekly college basketball hotline, and is the author, with Dick Vitale, of “College Basketball: A to Z.” [ show smiling Mandy Jensen ] And Mandy Jensen, a recent graduate of Sweetbrier College, and currently a receptionist at the corporate headquarters of Teen Vogue Magazine. Incidentally, this is Mandy’s first NCAA Tournament Pool. Alright.

[ show stock footage of a professional basketbal game ]

Chris Graham: Last Sunday, USC stuns the tournament by beating Texas. A SHOCKER! But, TEd, you called it.

[ cut to Ted, then show his pool sheet with check marks around USC and Texas ]

Ted Trimble: Chris, I have said all year that USC played GREAT tracking defense. The very type of defense that’ll give Texas fits, and it did!

Chris Graham: Mmm-hmm. Mandy, you picked Texas to lose as well — what was your thinking?

Mandy Jensen: Um.. well.. first of all, Texas uniforms are orange.. so, right there, Texas and I have a BIG problem! [ smiles, laughs ]

Chris Graham: Uh-huh.

Mandy Jensen: This is not a tough call.

[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, complete with a pink heart around USC and the notes “Orange” and “Hideous!!!” surrounding Texas ]

Chris Graham: I see.

Mandy Jensen: Texas, if you’re listening: We do Tangerine, we do Coral, but, I’m sorry, we do NOT do Orange!

Chris Graham: Okay. Another huge upset last week for virginia Commonwealth — an eleventh-seat beating sixth-seated Duke. Ted, how did you pick that?

[ show Ted’s pool sheet as he speaks ]

Ted Trimble: Chris, Duke could crush any other eleventh-seat, but, with VCU, it’s a tough match-up.

Chris Graham: Mmm-hmm. Alright, Mandy, you also had Duke losing.

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Oh, I would never pick Duke!

Chris Graham: Uh, why?

Mandy Jensen: Because, in college, I had a roommate named Duke — Catherine Duke. A total BITCH, and a WHORE. [ smiles awkwardly ] And I found out she’d been sleeping with, like, five of my boyfriends!

[ show college photo of Catherine Duke ]

Chris Graham: Well, that must have been devestating.

Mandy Jensen: I cried for a whole semester. Because of that, I HAD to go with Virginia Commonwealth the first round! [ smiles ]

[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, complete with a caricature of Catherine Duke labeled “Huge Whore!!!!!” and a pink heart around VCU ]

Chris Graham: I can see that, I guess. [ awkwardly ] Well, you made the right call. Of course, nobody’s right all the time. Ted, last week, in an upset, Butler beat the heavily-favored Terps of Maryland.

Ted Trimble: I know.

Chris Graham: You picked Maryland.

Ted Trimble: I never imagined Maryland losing.

Chris Graham: Hmm. Well, don’t feel bad — nobody saw that coming. [ a beat ] Mandy, you saw that coming? How?

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Uh, this was tough at first. But then I learned that Butler are the BULLDOGS! How cute is that!

Chris Graham: [ confused ] Uh, it is very cute.

Mandy Jensen: SO cute!

[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, with a pink heart around Butler and the words “Bulldog So Cute!!!” next to it ]

Chris Graham: So.. in this game, you went with Butler over Maryland — the right pick — because, in your analysis, Bulldogs are cuter than Terps?

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Exactly! I don’t know what Terps are, but NOTHING is cuter than a bulldog! Except turtles.

Chris Graham: Oh. [ smiles ] Well, actually, a Terp is a turtle.

Mandy Jensen: Seriously? [ smiles ] It’s a good thing I didn’t know that! [ laughs ]

Chris Graham: [ nods his head ] Uh-huh.

Mandy Jensen: Oh! But can I add something about Butler? Instead of the Bulldogs, they should be called the Miniature Bulldogs!

Chris Graham: [ thinking ] Because.. that would be even cuter?

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Exactly!

[ cut to Ted, who looks extremely pissed about Mandy’s sports logic ]

Chris Graham: In another First Round upset, Arizona losing to Purdue, and it wasn’t even close. Ted, you stumbled here as well, picking Arizona.

Ted Trimble: Arizona really let me down!

Chris Graham: Well, they always do. This year, Arizona was supposed to make the Elite Eight. Instead, once again, they turned out to be the Tournament’s Peyton Manning.

[ Ted shoots a confused glance at Chris ]

Ted Trimble: What do you mean?

Chris Graham: Well, you know how, every year, Arizons comes in with impressive stats and all the hype, and, every year, they.. fizzle out!

Ted Trimble: Yeah.. sure. But why is that a Peyton Manning?

Chris Graham: You know that expression.

Ted Trimble: No.

Mandy Jensen: Um.. it’s like — how do I put this? when someone has this great reputation, but you always wonder why, because, when it really counts, they can’t deliver?

Chris Graham: Exactly! Exactly!

Ted Trimble: Yeah, fine, but.. still — why a Peyton Manning? I don’t get it!

Chris Graham: [ chuckles ] I think you’re missing the point! Uh — basically, the point is: like the rest of us, you bought the Arizona hype, and, when they did their usual Peyton Manning, you got burned! But, hey — on this one, you’re hardly alone. Who thought Arizona would lose? [ turns to Mandy ] Mandy, you thought Arizona wouldlose. [ Mandy smiles ] Any particular reason? Such as, for example, a sports-related reason?

[ Ted waves his arm ]

Ted Trimble: Oh, let me guess. Because Arizona Tea is, like, so fattening, is that it?

Mandy Jensen: [ nods sheepishly ] That sounds right! Yep, that was it!

[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, with the words “Iced Tea: So Fattening!!” next to Arizona and a pink heart around Purdue ]

Chris Graham: Oh, good call, Ted! Uh, Mandy, just so you know — there’s no connection between the University of Arizona and Arizona Iced Tea.

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles, surprised ] Really? Well, I guess on this one, I was just lucky! [ laughs ]

Chris Graham: [ stares silently at the camera ] With 58 games played thus far, Ted is off to a blistering 56-and-2 start. [ Ted fumes ] While Mandy is at an equally impressive 58-and-0. [ Mandy smiles ] Mandy, as you know, the winner of this pool will receive tickets — LIFETIME tickets — to the Final Four. [ Ted looks to the sky and sighs ] Are you a big college hoops fan?

Mandy Jensen: Not really! [ smiles ] Um, I’m gonna donate them to a charity called Fighting Chance.

Chris Graham: Which is?

Mandy Jensen: It’s a shelter for cats that have been overfed!

Chris Graham: Good for you, Mandy. Good for you. We’re about out of time, but, before we go, let’s talk about tie-breakers. Although you hold a slight lead over Ted, of course he could still catch you, if those Mayland and Arizona picks don’t come back to bite him! [ chuckles ]

Ted Trimble: Hey, Chris: [ gives an obscene hand gesture ]

Chris Graham: Whoa! Hey! Hey!

Ted Trimble: And, by the way — Peyton Manning? He is a great quarterback.

Chris Graham: Sure. Whatever.

Mandy Jensen: Who’s Peyton Manning?

Ted Trimble: You’ve never heard of Peyton Manning?

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] No. I thought that was just an expression.

Ted Trimble: No, he plays for the Colts, and he IS amazing!

Mandy Jensen: Is he cute?

Chris Graham: [ chuckles ] Well! I think it’s safe to say you’d never hear of Peyton Manning described as “cute”!

Ted Trimble: I have!

Chris Graham: Yeah, well, whatever!

Ted Trimble: I HAVE!!

Chris Graham: Okay! I believe you. Geez!

Ted Trimble: You know what? [ stands ] I’m done here!

Chris Graham: What? What are you doing, Ted?

Ted Trimble: You know, this pool used to be FUN! Back when it was a pool for MEN! Men who knew something about SPORTS!! [ throws his lapel mike across the desk and storms off ]

Chris Graham: Oh, Ted! Come on! You’re still in this!! Don’t quit, Ted!! Don’t pull a Peyton Manning!!! You’re better than that, Ted!!!

Mandy Jensen: [ sheepishly ] Did I say something?

Chris Graham: No, no, it’s not you. He was like this with the Oscar Pool.

Mandy Jensen: Oh. [ smiles ] I WON THAT!!

Chris Graham: Hmm. [ to the camera ] Anyway, that’s it for us tonight.

Mandy Jensen: That is so FUNNY!!

Chris Graham: I’m Chris Graham. For everybody here at ESPN — so long!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *