Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 16
Porch Sitter…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on exterior, suburban front porch, night ] [ truck forward to Porch Sitter and her husband sitting on wicker furniture while sipping coffee ]
Porch Sitter: There’s nothing like a robust cup og joe after a big meal on Sunday night.
Husband: Mmm. I love this time of year. I can’t believe we’re sitting outside.
Porch Sitter: Spring has sprung!
Porch Sitter: Mmm. You know, I ran into Judy today.
Porch Sitter: She was wearing invisible braces.
Husband: I hadn’t heard that.
Porch Sitter: Well, I say good for her.[ they sip their coffee ]
Porch Sitter: This coffee is so rich and DARK!
Husband: It’s Mexican.
Porch Sitter: Ooh.[ they sip their coffee ]
Porch Sitter: Mmm.
Husband: Mmm. Oh. I, uh, saw Rick at the park today.
Porch Sitter: Oh, really?
Husband: Yes. He said he was jogging, but, when I saw him, he was sitting on a bench.
Porch Sitter: Well, he did just have a heart attack.
Husband: He was stretching, and wearing very short shorts. I think I saw his butthole.
Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] Well, that’s Rick for you![ they sip their coffee ]
Porch Sitter: You know what I’m going to use to fertilize my garden?
Husband: Your own poop?
Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] Yep![ they sip their coffee ]
Husband: Guess what Carl did for Janice’s birthday this year.
Porch Sitter: What?
Husband: He hung himself in their garage.
Porch Sitter: [ chuckles ] And you say we have problems!
Husband: Mmm. I walked around with a piece of sliced ham in my pants for the past couple of days, just to have my own secret.
Porch Sitter: [ smiles at him ] [ they sip their coffee ]
Porch Sitter: I enjoy coffee.
Husband: Me, too.[ they sip their coffee ]
Porch Sitter: I’m thinking about buying a bunch of baby clothes to dress up all our plants.
Husband: I slow-danced with the dog today.
Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] I have a pig’s vagina! [ a beat ] I love this porch.
Husband: Me, too.[ truck back, fade ]