SNL Transcripts: Peyton Manning: 03/24/07: Coffee Chat


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Coffee Chat

Husband…..Peyton Manning
Porch Sitter…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, suburban front porch, night ] [ truck forward to Porch Sitter and her husband sitting on wicker furniture while sipping coffee ]

Porch Sitter: There’s nothing like a robust cup og joe after a big meal on Sunday night.

Husband: Mmm. I love this time of year. I can’t believe we’re sitting outside.

Porch Sitter: Spring has sprung!

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: Mmm. You know, I ran into Judy today.

Husband: Really?

Porch Sitter: She was wearing invisible braces.

Husband: I hadn’t heard that.

Porch Sitter: Well, I say good for her.

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: This coffee is so rich and DARK!

Husband: It’s Mexican.

Porch Sitter: Ooh.

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: Mmm.

Husband: Mmm. Oh. I, uh, saw Rick at the park today.

Porch Sitter: Oh, really?

Husband: Yes. He said he was jogging, but, when I saw him, he was sitting on a bench.

Porch Sitter: Well, he did just have a heart attack.

Husband: He was stretching, and wearing very short shorts. I think I saw his butthole.

Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] Well, that’s Rick for you!

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: You know what I’m going to use to fertilize my garden?

Husband: Your own poop?

Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] Yep!

[ they sip their coffee ]

Husband: Guess what Carl did for Janice’s birthday this year.

Porch Sitter: What?

Husband: He hung himself in their garage.

Porch Sitter: [ chuckles ] And you say we have problems!

[ they chuckle together and sip their coffee ]

Husband: Mmm. I walked around with a piece of sliced ham in my pants for the past couple of days, just to have my own secret.

Porch Sitter: [ smiles at him ] [ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: I enjoy coffee.

Husband: Me, too.

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: I’m thinking about buying a bunch of baby clothes to dress up all our plants.

Husband: I slow-danced with the dog today.

Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] I have a pig’s vagina! [ a beat ] I love this porch.

Husband: Me, too.

[ truck back, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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