SNL Transcripts: Peyton Manning: 03/24/07: United Way


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

United Way

…..Peyton Manning

[ open on slow pan across a group of kids ]

Announcer: Being a kid can be harder than it looks. Sometimes, it helps to have an adult around.

[ cut to Peyton Manning running to join the kids on a football field ]

Peyton Manning: Alright! Alright! Alright!

That’s why Peyton Manning takes time out to volunteer with local youth groups.

[ Peyton wraps the kids in a huddle ]

You guys ready to play some FOOTBALL?!!

Kids: YEAH!!!

Put your hands in! We’re gonna have fun, we’re gonna encourage each other — teamwork, on three! One, two, three!


[ Peyton and the kids spread across the field ]

Announcer: Peyton uses football to teach valuable lessons of communication.

[ Peyton and the kids set up a play and go into action ]

Peyton Manning: [ yells toward kid running across the field ] Open! Get open!

[ Peyton hurls the football at the kid, hitting him in the back and knocking him to the grass ]

Peyton Manning: Get your head out of your ASS!! You SUCK!!

[ another play begins ]

Peyton Manning: Alright, let’s go! Let’s go! Get back IN here!! [ to the kid he just knocked down ] Except you. I can’t even look at you. You know what? Go sit in the Port-o-let for twenty minutes. [ the kids walks away, ashamed of his performance ] That’s right. Just STAY in there!

[ a new play begins — Peyton hurls the football at another kid’s stomach, knocking him to the grass as well ] [ the first kid peeks out from inside the Port-o-let ]

Peyton Manning: Why is the door open? CLOSE the door!! [ the kid closes the door ] STAY in there!!

[ a new play begins — this time, Peyton hurls the football at a third kid’s head, knocking him to the grass, too. Peyton throws his arms in the air in exasperation. ]

Peyton Manning: [ talking to a fourth kid ] Okay, I’m sorry — do you want to lose? I throw, you watch. It’s NOT that hard! Okay? [ the kid nods ] Alright. Get the f–k out of here!

[ cut to Peyton and the kids standing over the body of the third kid, the one who was hit in the head with the football ]

Peyton Manning: I think he’s really hurt —

[ cut to Peyton reading an entertainment magazine to the kids, showing off the pictures of the latest kid adopted by Angelina Jolie ]

Announcer: There’s no substitute for the hands-on guidance a mentor can provide.

[ cut to Peyton showing the kids how to jimmy his way into a locked SUV ]

Peyton Manning: Then, if you just push it a little further, you should hear a little CLICK!

Boy: Why don’t we just use your key?

Peyton Manning: I told you — I forgot ’em. [ a siren from a cop car sounds ] Cops! Cops! [ starts running ] Everybody for himself!

[ cut to Peyton holding his belt in his hands, as a young boy clamps down on the belt with his teeth ]

Announcer: Just a few hours of Peyton’s time helps create childhood memories that will last a lifetime —

Peyton Manning: Just keep biting down. It’s looking good.

[ reveal that a tattoo artist is inking a head shot of Peyton Manning on the kid’s leg ]

Peyton Manning: That’s a handsome tattoo. Uh-huh. It’s gonna be there forever.

Announcer: — as well as skills for life. Such as: asseriveness —

[ show woman sitting on park bench, as a young girl runs toward her ]

Girl: Mommy! Mommy!

Peyton Manning: [ right behind the girl ] No, Sally! Mommy’s dead, remember? Don’t bother the pretty lady. [ the lady extends her hand ] Hi, I’m Peyton!

Announcer: — ethics —

[ show Peyton addressing the kids while clutching a beer bottle ]

Peyton Manning: Alright, I’ll KILL a snitch! I’m not saying I have, I’m not saying I haven’t. you know what I mean. [ shrugs ] Whatever. You’re getting on my f–king nerves.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: The NFL and the United Way. Spend time with your kids.. so Peyton Manning doesn’t.

[ cut back to Peyton addressing the kids ]

Peyton Manning: You kids all want to live with me in my mansion?

Kids: YEAHHH!!!!

Peyton Manning: Calm down, calm down. There’s no f–king way!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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