SNL Transcripts: Peyton Manning: 03/24/07: United Way

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

United Way

…..Peyton Manning

[ open on slow pan across a group of kids ]

Announcer: Being a kid can be harder than it looks. Sometimes, it helps to have an adult around.

[ cut to Peyton Manning running to join the kids on a football field ]

Peyton Manning: Alright! Alright! Alright!

That’s why Peyton Manning takes time out to volunteer with local youth groups.

[ Peyton wraps the kids in a huddle ]

You guys ready to play some FOOTBALL?!!

Kids: YEAH!!!

Put your hands in! We’re gonna have fun, we’re gonna encourage each other — teamwork, on three! One, two, three!


[ Peyton and the kids spread across the field ]

Announcer: Peyton uses football to teach valuable lessons of communication.

[ Peyton and the kids set up a play and go into action ]

Peyton Manning: [ yells toward kid running across the field ] Open! Get open!

[ Peyton hurls the football at the kid, hitting him in the back and knocking him to the grass ]

Peyton Manning: Get your head out of your ASS!! You SUCK!!

[ another play begins ]

Peyton Manning: Alright, let’s go! Let’s go! Get back IN here!! [ to the kid he just knocked down ] Except you. I can’t even look at you. You know what? Go sit in the Port-o-let for twenty minutes. [ the kids walks away, ashamed of his performance ] That’s right. Just STAY in there!

[ a new play begins — Peyton hurls the football at another kid’s stomach, knocking him to the grass as well ] [ the first kid peeks out from inside the Port-o-let ]

Peyton Manning: Why is the door open? CLOSE the door!! [ the kid closes the door ] STAY in there!!

[ a new play begins — this time, Peyton hurls the football at a third kid’s head, knocking him to the grass, too. Peyton throws his arms in the air in exasperation. ]

Peyton Manning: [ talking to a fourth kid ] Okay, I’m sorry — do you want to lose? I throw, you watch. It’s NOT that hard! Okay? [ the kid nods ] Alright. Get the f–k out of here!

[ cut to Peyton and the kids standing over the body of the third kid, the one who was hit in the head with the football ]

Peyton Manning: I think he’s really hurt —

[ cut to Peyton reading an entertainment magazine to the kids, showing off the pictures of the latest kid adopted by Angelina Jolie ]

Announcer: There’s no substitute for the hands-on guidance a mentor can provide.

[ cut to Peyton showing the kids how to jimmy his way into a locked SUV ]

Peyton Manning: Then, if you just push it a little further, you should hear a little CLICK!

Boy: Why don’t we just use your key?

Peyton Manning: I told you — I forgot ’em. [ a siren from a cop car sounds ] Cops! Cops! [ starts running ] Everybody for himself!

[ cut to Peyton holding his belt in his hands, as a young boy clamps down on the belt with his teeth ]

Announcer: Just a few hours of Peyton’s time helps create childhood memories that will last a lifetime —

Peyton Manning: Just keep biting down. It’s looking good.

[ reveal that a tattoo artist is inking a head shot of Peyton Manning on the kid’s leg ]

Peyton Manning: That’s a handsome tattoo. Uh-huh. It’s gonna be there forever.

Announcer: — as well as skills for life. Such as: asseriveness —

[ show woman sitting on park bench, as a young girl runs toward her ]

Girl: Mommy! Mommy!

Peyton Manning: [ right behind the girl ] No, Sally! Mommy’s dead, remember? Don’t bother the pretty lady. [ the lady extends her hand ] Hi, I’m Peyton!

Announcer: — ethics —

[ show Peyton addressing the kids while clutching a beer bottle ]

Peyton Manning: Alright, I’ll KILL a snitch! I’m not saying I have, I’m not saying I haven’t. you know what I mean. [ shrugs ] Whatever. You’re getting on my f–king nerves.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: The NFL and the United Way. Spend time with your kids.. so Peyton Manning doesn’t.

[ cut back to Peyton addressing the kids ]

Peyton Manning: You kids all want to live with me in my mansion?

Kids: YEAHHH!!!!

Peyton Manning: Calm down, calm down. There’s no f–king way!

[ fade ]

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