Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 16
[ open on slow pan across a group of kids ]
Announcer: Being a kid can be harder than it looks. Sometimes, it helps to have an adult around.
[ cut to Peyton Manning running to join the kids on a football field ]
Peyton Manning: Alright! Alright! Alright!
That’s why Peyton Manning takes time out to volunteer with local youth groups.
[ Peyton wraps the kids in a huddle ]
You guys ready to play some FOOTBALL?!!
Put your hands in! We’re gonna have fun, we’re gonna encourage each other — teamwork, on three! One, two, three!
[ Peyton and the kids spread across the field ]
Announcer: Peyton uses football to teach valuable lessons of communication.
[ Peyton and the kids set up a play and go into action ]
Peyton Manning: [ yells toward kid running across the field ] Open! Get open!
[ Peyton hurls the football at the kid, hitting him in the back and knocking him to the grass ]
Peyton Manning: Get your head out of your ASS!! You SUCK!!
[ another play begins ]
Peyton Manning: Alright, let’s go! Let’s go! Get back IN here!! [ to the kid he just knocked down ] Except you. I can’t even look at you. You know what? Go sit in the Port-o-let for twenty minutes. [ the kids walks away, ashamed of his performance ] That’s right. Just STAY in there!
[ a new play begins — Peyton hurls the football at another kid’s stomach, knocking him to the grass as well ]
[ the first kid peeks out from inside the Port-o-let ]
Peyton Manning: Why is the door open? CLOSE the door!! [ the kid closes the door ] STAY in there!!
[ a new play begins — this time, Peyton hurls the football at a third kid’s head, knocking him to the grass, too. Peyton throws his arms in the air in exasperation. ]
Peyton Manning: [ talking to a fourth kid ] Okay, I’m sorry — do you want to lose? I throw, you watch. It’s NOT that hard! Okay? [ the kid nods ] Alright. Get the f–k out of here!
[ cut to Peyton and the kids standing over the body of the third kid, the one who was hit in the head with the football ]
Peyton Manning: I think he’s really hurt —
[ cut to Peyton reading an entertainment magazine to the kids, showing off the pictures of the latest kid adopted by Angelina Jolie ]
Announcer: There’s no substitute for the hands-on guidance a mentor can provide.
[ cut to Peyton showing the kids how to jimmy his way into a locked SUV ]
Peyton Manning: Then, if you just push it a little further, you should hear a little CLICK!
Boy: Why don’t we just use your key?
Peyton Manning: I told you — I forgot ’em. [ a siren from a cop car sounds ] Cops! Cops! [ starts running ] Everybody for himself!
[ cut to Peyton holding his belt in his hands, as a young boy clamps down on the belt with his teeth ]
Announcer: Just a few hours of Peyton’s time helps create childhood memories that will last a lifetime —
Peyton Manning: Just keep biting down. It’s looking good.
[ reveal that a tattoo artist is inking a head shot of Peyton Manning on the kid’s leg ]
Peyton Manning: That’s a handsome tattoo. Uh-huh. It’s gonna be there forever.
Announcer: — as well as skills for life. Such as: asseriveness —
[ show woman sitting on park bench, as a young girl runs toward her ]
Girl: Mommy! Mommy!
Peyton Manning: [ right behind the girl ] No, Sally! Mommy’s dead, remember? Don’t bother the pretty lady. [ the lady extends her hand ] Hi, I’m Peyton!
Announcer: — ethics —
[ show Peyton addressing the kids while clutching a beer bottle ]
Peyton Manning: Alright, I’ll KILL a snitch! I’m not saying I have, I’m not saying I haven’t. you know what I mean. [ shrugs ] Whatever. You’re getting on my f–king nerves.
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: The NFL and the United Way. Spend time with your kids.. so Peyton Manning doesn’t.
[ cut back to Peyton addressing the kids ]
Peyton Manning: You kids all want to live with me in my mansion?
Peyton Manning: Calm down, calm down. There’s no f–king way!
[ fade ]