SNL Transcripts: Shia LeBeouf: 04/14/07: Knife Salesmen


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 17

06q: Shia LeBeouf / Avril Lavigne

Knife Salesmen

Blade P. Cutsworth….Will Forte
Bernard Throttleland….Shia Lebouf
Melanie Ginsu….Kristen Wiig

[Opens with a man in a business suit and his youngprotegee in a shirt and tie standing on a porch. Manin the business suit knocks on the door.]

Blade P. Cutsworth: How are you doing Bernard?

Bernard: Well, I’m a little nervous, sir. It’s my first day.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Look don’t worry. You’re gonna dojust fine. Slice-Co is a wonderful product. This knife practically sells itself.

Bernard: I just want to do my best, sir.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. You will. Motivational work hug?

Bernard: Sure. Why not?

Blade P. Cutsworth: Great.

[Mr. Blade hugs Bernard just as a woman answers the door]

Bernard:[a little embarrassed]Oh, there she is. She’s right there.

Melanie Ginsu: Can I help you?

Blade P. Cutsworth: No, but we may be able to helpyou, ma’am.[ Mr.Blade closes her door.]I am Blade P.Cutsworth, not my legal name, and this is my protegeeBernard Throttleland. Ma’am, this is Bernard’s firstday on the job and you must know that I’m proud as apeacock to be standing next to him. But that’s anothertale for another day. We’re here to sell you someknives. Now, I’ll put you down for one thousandknives. Would you like to add on to that order?

Melanie Ginsu: Actually I’m pretty well set in the knife department.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. No, you’re not!

Melanie Ginsu: Yes, I am.

Blade P. Cutsworth: No, you’re not.

Melanie Ginsu: Yes, I am.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard help me out here.

Blade and Bernard: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade and Bernard: Are not

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade and Bernard: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too

Blade P. Cutsworth: No you don’t! You need moreknives! You need a lot of knives! Every kitchen needs more knives!

Bernard: No!, no!, no!

Melanie Ginsu: I have plenty of knives!

[Talk over each other]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Hold on a minute! What the heckare we doing here? I mean we have a grade-A qualityknife to sell and you’re in obvious need for knives.

Melanie Ginsu: No, I don’t.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Yes, you do.

Melanie Ginsu: No, I don’t.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Yes, you do.

Melanie Ginsu: My husband is Ronald Ginsu. He is the inventor of the Ginsu knife.

[Bernard and Mr.Blade are caught off guard]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Hmmm, Bernard. Please demonstratethe blade on a frozen carrot for Ms. Ginsu.

Bernard: Yes, sir. Just a second there.

[Bernard sets up the demonstration table. Knives slam a little on the table]

Bernard: Behold the awesome power of the Santoku carrot knife.

[Chops carrot in half]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Shazzam!!

Bernard: Bam!!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Zzam!!

Bernard: Bam!!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Zzam!!

Bernard: Wham!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Right?!

Melanie Ginsu: Sorry, I already got knives that cut through frozen carrot.

Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have one that can slice through a ream of paper? Bernard?

Bernard: Yep, behold the awesome power of the Slice-Copaper cleaver.[Cuts ream of paper in half] Ma’am!, ma’am!, ma’am!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Wham!, pow!, pow! What a tool!!!

Melanie Ginsu: I already have a paper cleaver.

Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a paper cleaver-cleaver?

Melanie Ginsu: Yes.

Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a paper cleaver-cleaver-cleaver?

Melanie Ginsu: Look, I am Melanie Ginsu. I have like every knife in existence.

Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a knife that caneffortlessly cut through a grown man’s pinky finger?

Melanie Ginsu: Actually, I don’t.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, please effortlessly cut through your pinky finger.

[Bernard is freaking out]

Bernard: Oh, sir…

Melanie Ginsu: Well, the pinky finger is really not that tough of a bone to cut through.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, that’s a good point! Bernard, please locate the thickest of your finger bones and effortlessly cut through that. That more to your liking, ma’am?

Melanie Ginsu: Well, I can’t promise a sell but I’m listening now.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, great! We have your attention now!

Bernard:[Scared] Ummm, sir. I’m not gonna cut off my finger.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. One moment, please.

[Mr. Blade takes Bernard aside]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, what are you doing?

Bernard: But I need my fingers, sir!

Blade P. Cutsworth: For what?!

Bernard: For a lot of things!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, we almost have a friggin’sale, now effortlessly cut off your biggest finger!

Bernard: I can’t do it, sir!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Do I have to do everything myself??!! Give me the knife!

[Gets the knife]

Bernard: Oh, sir…

Blade P. Cutsworth: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Mr. Blade cuts his thumb off on the demonstration table, jets of blood spurt from the wound]

Bernard: AAAAHHH!!!! OH, GOD!!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Look at that! Cuts right through the bone! Look at that!

Melanie Ginsu: Oh, my God! I will take two of those knives!

Blade P. Cutsworth: You hear that Bernard! 2 knives! That’s a double sale! Ma’am, that’ll be $13 dollars even! What do you think?!

[Blood keeps spurting. Staining with red everybody’s clothes]

Melanie Ginsu: Oh, no. I’m sorry, 13 dollars? I didn’t realize it was so expensive. I can’t buy those knives from you.

[Blood keeps flowing and spurting from Mr. Blade’s hand]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, that’s unfortunate.[Scratches his head, colors his face red with blood] 13…

Bernard: Sir, sir….

Blade P. Cutsworth: That’s unfortunate cause umm….it’s really starting to hurt!

[Mr. Blade, sucks his gaping wound, drinks blood from it like from a fountain. Shia almost cracks up]

Bernard: Sir, sir. I’m going to take off now. All right, sir. [Leaves]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, ok. [In excruciating pain]Nice working with you Bernard! Oh, ma’am. Could youpoint me in the direction of the nearest hospital?

Melanie Ginsu: Oh, sure. You’re gonna go down thisroad about two miles… [Blood is staining her clothes]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Go down there, two miles….[Points with his thumb less hand, blood flows]

Melanie Ginsu: Then you’re gonna take a quick rightand go down that road 150 miles….

Blade P. Cutsworth: Ok…

Melanie Ginsu: And there’ll be a hospital on yourleft. But that’s been closed for years.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oooh, so its abandoned.

Melanie Ginsu: Yes, its abandoned.

[Blood keeps flowing]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, man. I do thank you for your time.

Melanie Ginsu: Ok, have a good day. [Goes inside]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Ok. Well at least I know that itcannot get any worse than this.

[Loud growling. A dog jumps on his leg and rips it off]

Blade P. Cutsworth: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Dog continues to rip Mr. Blade apart in a pool of blood] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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