Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 17
Maya & Shia
[ open within the halls of Studio 8-H, outside of Maya Rudolph’s dressing room, as make-up people doll her up for the Goodnights. Shia Lebouf strolls past. ]
Maya Rudolph: Hey, Shia!
Shia Lebouf: [ stops ] Oh. Hey, Maya — hey, you know what I was just thinking? Our names rhyme.
Maya Rudolph: Hey, that’s right, they do! I never even thought about that!
Shia Lebouf: Yeah. Yeah, me neither.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah — I was lying. I really have thought about it — a lot. [ to the make-up people ] Beat it![ the make-up people exit her dressing room ]
Maya Rudolph: [ stands and wraps her arms around Shia’s shoulders ] Why don’t we go in my dressing room?
Shia Lebouf: But — but —
Maya Rudolph: Shh! Shh! Shhia! [ pulls him into her dimly-lit dressing room, where a fully-dressed table flanked with dinner awaits ] Have a seat, youngster. Come on — don’t be shy-a! Get it? I just made that up right now! [ tosses her hair back ]
Shia Lebouf: Oh. It’s pretty good.
Maya Rudolph: Actually, I was lying, Shia. I’ve had that joke for two weeks now — and I NAILED it!
Shia Lebouf: [ nervous ] Well, I should probably get back —
Maya Rudolph: [ places a drink in front of him ] Drinking? Good idea!
Shia Lebouf: I don’t really drink —
Maya Rudolph: Yeah? [ clinks their glasses ] Well, I do. [ sips her drink, then lets the glass crash to the floor. She stands immediately and begins to massage Shia’s shoulders with her elbows. ] Ohhhh, Shia! Oh, you make me feel so alive! Oh, you are something else, buster! Hey, you know what my favorite movie of yours is?
Shia Lebouf: Uh — is it “Holes”?
Maya Rudolph: [ nods ] Big time! [ walks across the room ] Hey, Lebouf — you like music?
Shia Lebouf: Uh — uh — yeah —
Maya Rudolph: [ as the music pots up ] You know what this song is?
Shia Lebouf: No.
Maya Rudolph: It’s called: [ recites a title in a high-pitched Japanese voice ] Mmm. You hungry? I could cook you something. [ lights up a cigarette ]
Shia Lebouf: Really? You have time to cook during the show?
Maya Rudolph: [ sits ] They know how important this is to me! [ picks up a bowl filled with an unidentifiable food product ] Here. Have a bite. [ feeds a bite to Shia ]
Shia Lebouf: Wow.. it’s pretty good.
Maya Rudolph: You like it?
Shia Lebouf: Yeah.
Maya Rudolph: It’s baked cereal! Ohh, Shia! [ rubs noses with him ] I’m very attracted to you! Have you guessed that yet?
Shia Lebouf: [ nervously ] I think I have —
Maya Rudolph: Good! [ with a high-pitched squeal: ] Ohhhhhh, SHI-AAAA!!! You make me feel like a SCHOOLGIRL again!! Can I propose something to you? After the show tonight, you.. and me.. private plane.. Mexico City!
Shia Lebouf: Um – hold on, hold on — [ spits out the baked cereal ] Let me just stop you right there. Alright? Maya, will you stop it right there?
Maya Rudolph: What, you don’t like it?
Shia Lebouf: You think you’re the first older woman to hit on me? Huh? Yuo don’t think this happens to Shia Lebouf all the time?
Maya Rudolph: [ shakes her head ] Shia, what is this? What are you saying?!
Shia Lebouf: Let me guess, huh? Yuo want to settle down somewhere, say some sleepy little Mexican fishing village where we get married and pop out a couple puppies, huh? WE’ll call the boy “Esteban.” And an old local man will take me under his wings and teach me how to fish, using only guacamole and.. [ holds up his hands] these. I’ll make a meager ten pesos a week catching gorato [?], while you sit on your FAT ASS all day eating cream cheese with a spoon!
Maya Rudolph: [ frantic ] But, Shia!! I don’t understand!!
Shia Lebouf: Let me TELL you something, woman — !![ a stagehand opens the door ]
Stagehand: Maya —
Maya Rudolph: [ throws a glass of wine at the open doorway ] GET OUT OF HERE!!! [ the stagehand shuts the door and shirks away ]
Shia Lebouf: [ laughs in spite of himself ] If you thought I’d go for this hairbrained scheme of yours.. then, you thought right. The answer.. is Yes. Whatever you say. I’ll see you later, Maya.. Lebouf. [ touches her chin, stands, and exits the room ]
Maya Rudolph: [ reaches her hand out toward his wake ] Adios.. mi amor.[ the camera pans over to a reflection of the Andy Warhol-inspired prints of Maya-as-Versace, as we fade ]