SNL Transcripts: Shia LeBeouf: 04/14/07: Maya & Shia



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 17







06q: Shia LeBeouf / Avril Lavigne

Maya & Shia

…..Maya Rudolph
…..Shia Lebouf

[ open within the halls of Studio 8-H, outside of Maya Rudolph’s dressing room, as make-up people doll her up for the Goodnights. Shia Lebouf strolls past. ]

Maya Rudolph: Hey, Shia!

Shia Lebouf: [ stops ] Oh. Hey, Maya — hey, you know what I was just thinking? Our names rhyme.

Maya Rudolph: Hey, that’s right, they do! I never even thought about that!

Shia Lebouf: Yeah. Yeah, me neither.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah — I was lying. I really have thought about it — a lot. [ to the make-up people ] Beat it!

[ the make-up people exit her dressing room ]

Maya Rudolph: [ stands and wraps her arms around Shia’s shoulders ] Why don’t we go in my dressing room?

Shia Lebouf: But — but —

Maya Rudolph: Shh! Shh! Shhia! [ pulls him into her dimly-lit dressing room, where a fully-dressed table flanked with dinner awaits ] Have a seat, youngster. Come on — don’t be shy-a! Get it? I just made that up right now! [ tosses her hair back ]

Shia Lebouf: Oh. It’s pretty good.

Maya Rudolph: Actually, I was lying, Shia. I’ve had that joke for two weeks now — and I NAILED it!

Shia Lebouf: [ nervous ] Well, I should probably get back —

Maya Rudolph: [ places a drink in front of him ] Drinking? Good idea!

Shia Lebouf: I don’t really drink —

Maya Rudolph: Yeah? [ clinks their glasses ] Well, I do. [ sips her drink, then lets the glass crash to the floor. She stands immediately and begins to massage Shia’s shoulders with her elbows. ] Ohhhh, Shia! Oh, you make me feel so alive! Oh, you are something else, buster! Hey, you know what my favorite movie of yours is?

Shia Lebouf: Uh — is it “Holes”?

Maya Rudolph: [ nods ] Big time! [ walks across the room ] Hey, Lebouf — you like music?

Shia Lebouf: Uh — uh — yeah —

Maya Rudolph: [ as the music pots up ] You know what this song is?

Shia Lebouf: No.

Maya Rudolph: It’s called: [ recites a title in a high-pitched Japanese voice ] Mmm. You hungry? I could cook you something. [ lights up a cigarette ]

Shia Lebouf: Really? You have time to cook during the show?

Maya Rudolph: [ sits ] They know how important this is to me! [ picks up a bowl filled with an unidentifiable food product ] Here. Have a bite. [ feeds a bite to Shia ]

Shia Lebouf: Wow.. it’s pretty good.

Maya Rudolph: You like it?

Shia Lebouf: Yeah.

Maya Rudolph: It’s baked cereal! Ohh, Shia! [ rubs noses with him ] I’m very attracted to you! Have you guessed that yet?

Shia Lebouf: [ nervously ] I think I have —

Maya Rudolph: Good! [ with a high-pitched squeal: ] Ohhhhhh, SHI-AAAA!!! You make me feel like a SCHOOLGIRL again!! Can I propose something to you? After the show tonight, you.. and me.. private plane.. Mexico City!

Shia Lebouf: Um – hold on, hold on — [ spits out the baked cereal ] Let me just stop you right there. Alright? Maya, will you stop it right there?

Maya Rudolph: What, you don’t like it?

Shia Lebouf: You think you’re the first older woman to hit on me? Huh? Yuo don’t think this happens to Shia Lebouf all the time?

Maya Rudolph: [ shakes her head ] Shia, what is this? What are you saying?!

Shia Lebouf: Let me guess, huh? Yuo want to settle down somewhere, say some sleepy little Mexican fishing village where we get married and pop out a couple puppies, huh? WE’ll call the boy “Esteban.” And an old local man will take me under his wings and teach me how to fish, using only guacamole and.. [ holds up his hands] these. I’ll make a meager ten pesos a week catching gorato [?], while you sit on your FAT ASS all day eating cream cheese with a spoon!

Maya Rudolph: [ frantic ] But, Shia!! I don’t understand!!

Shia Lebouf: Let me TELL you something, woman — !!

[ a stagehand opens the door ]

Stagehand: Maya —

Maya Rudolph: [ throws a glass of wine at the open doorway ] GET OUT OF HERE!!! [ the stagehand shuts the door and shirks away ]

Shia Lebouf: [ laughs in spite of himself ] If you thought I’d go for this hairbrained scheme of yours.. then, you thought right. The answer.. is Yes. Whatever you say. I’ll see you later, Maya.. Lebouf. [ touches her chin, stands, and exits the room ]

Maya Rudolph: [ reaches her hand out toward his wake ] Adios.. mi amor.

[ the camera pans over to a reflection of the Andy Warhol-inspired prints of Maya-as-Versace, as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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