Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 17
06q: Shia LeBeouf / Avril Lavigne
An SNL Digital Short: The Shooting
Keith…..Bill Hader
Dave…..Andy Samberg
Eric….Shia Lebouf
Police Officer 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Police Officer 2…..Fred Armisen
Sister….Kristen Wiig
Dave: Hey, man. What’cha doin’?
Keith: Nothing. Just, uh — writing a letter to my sister.
Dave: Cool.
Keith: It’s pretty crazy. I, uh — I haven’t seen her in years. It’s, uh — it’s weird, because —
[ a gunshot sounds, as we cut to a close-up of a pistol being held by Dave ]Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]“Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that you only meant well?
well, of course you did
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s all for the best?
Ah, of course it is
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s just what we need
You decided this
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, what.. did.. she.. say?”
Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]“Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that you only meant well?
well, of course you did
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s all for the best?
Ah, of course it is
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s just what we need
You decided this
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, what.. did.. she.. say?”
Eric: Ha ha! Guys, I just thought of the funniest thing! —
[ the gun is fired again, this time being held by Dave ]Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]“Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that you only meant well?
well, of course you did
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s all for the best?
Ah, of course it is
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s just what we need
You decided this
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, what.. did.. she.. say?”
Keith V/O: “Dear, Sister: By the time you read this –“
Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]“Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that you only meant –“
Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]“Mmm, what you say?
Mmm –“
Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]“Mmm, what you say? –“
[ the soundtrack begins to skip, as, in rapid succession, shots are fired by Eric, Keith, Dave, Eric, Dave, Keith, Eric, Keith, Dave, Eric, Keith, then Eric again ] [ Keith’s sister finally falls facefirst to the floor, her eyes wide open and staring directly at the camera ] [ police sirens sound in the background ] [ a pair of police officers step over the bodies ]Police Officer 1: [ whistles sharply ] We’ve goto urselves a bloodbath.
Police Officer 2: [ holding Keith’s notebook ] Hey, Sarge – listen to this: “Dear Sister: By the time you read this, I’ll be dead. This is how I think it’s gonna happen: Dave will shoot me, then I’ll shoot Dave, then Eric will enter and get shot by Dave. Then, you’ll come in and get shot by Eric, Dave, and I multiple times. Love: your brother, Keith.” [ chuckles ] “P.S.: Then two cops will read this letter and shoot each other.” Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve —
[ the soundtrack again skipa, as the two police officers repeatedly shoot one another and eventually fall facefirst onto the floor next to one another ] [ fade ]