SNL Transcripts: Shia LeBeouf: 04/14/07: An SNL Digital Short: The Shooting

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 32: Episode 17

An SNL Digital Short: The Shooting

Keith…..Bill Hader
Dave…..Andy Samberg
Eric….Shia Lebouf
Police Officer 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Police Officer 2…..Fred Armisen
Sister….Kristen Wiig

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to a close-up of a pen scribbling a message in a notebook ] [ pull back to reveal Keith sitting on a sofa scribbling thie message, as Dave enters and sits to his side ]

Dave: Hey, man. What’cha doin’?

Keith: Nothing. Just, uh — writing a letter to my sister.

Dave: Cool.

Keith: It’s pretty crazy. I, uh — I haven’t seen her in years. It’s, uh — it’s weird, because —

[ a gunshot sounds, as we cut to a close-up of a pistol being held by Dave ]

Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]“Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that you only meant well?
well, of course you did
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s all for the best?
Ah, of course it is
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s just what we need
You decided this
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, what.. did.. she.. say?”

[ in slow-motion, Keith looks down at where he’s been shot and holds up his bloody fingers. Dave maintains his stance, as a surprised Keith turns his head in disbelief, then drops to the floor facefirst, with his wide-open eyes staring directly at the camera. ] [ distraught, Dave drops the gun to the floor and begins gasping in an attempt to catch his breath ] [ suddenly, Keith is pointing the gun, and fires a shot at Dave ]

[ Dave reacts to the shot just as Keith did moments ago, and falls to the floor lying next to Keith. Both men are sprawled side-by-side on the carpet, the gun now just out of Keith’s reach. ] [ Eric enters the room, laughing ]

Eric: Ha ha! Guys, I just thought of the funniest thing! —

[ the gun is fired again, this time being held by Dave ]

[ Eric reacts accordingly, holding his hands over his bloodied stomach, then drops to his knees and falls facefirst to the floor lying next to his buddies. Dave drops the gun and falls back on the floor again. ] [ Keith’s sister enters the room, sees the three men spread dead across the carpet, then notics Keith’s notebook and begins to read it ]

Keith V/O: “Dear, Sister: By the time you read this –“

[ this time, Eric fires the shot ]

Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]“Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that you only meant –“

[ Keith’s sister slowly turns around in disbelief, as, suddenly, Dave fires a shot at her ]

Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]“Mmm, what you say?
Mmm –“

[ Keith’s sister reacts to this second shot, as, incredibly, Keith fires a shot at her as well ]

Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]“Mmm, what you say? –“

[ the soundtrack begins to skip, as, in rapid succession, shots are fired by Eric, Keith, Dave, Eric, Dave, Keith, Eric, Keith, Dave, Eric, Keith, then Eric again ] [ Keith’s sister finally falls facefirst to the floor, her eyes wide open and staring directly at the camera ] [ police sirens sound in the background ] [ a pair of police officers step over the bodies ]

Police Officer 1: [ whistles sharply ] We’ve goto urselves a bloodbath.

Police Officer 2: [ holding Keith’s notebook ] Hey, Sarge – listen to this: “Dear Sister: By the time you read this, I’ll be dead. This is how I think it’s gonna happen: Dave will shoot me, then I’ll shoot Dave, then Eric will enter and get shot by Dave. Then, you’ll come in and get shot by Eric, Dave, and I multiple times. Love: your brother, Keith.” [ chuckles ] “P.S.: Then two cops will read this letter and shoot each other.” Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve —

[ the soundtrack again skipa, as the two police officers repeatedly shoot one another and eventually fall facefirst onto the floor next to one another ] [ fade ]

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