Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 17
Factory Worker…..Shia LaBeouf
Businessman: [walking into a convenience store] Whoo! What a hard day at the office! How was your job at the factory?
Factory Worker: Hard and long. Long day down at the factory, where Ive worked for years.
Businessman: How long has it been?
Factory Worker: Oh me, down at the factory? Id have to say six, seven years.
Businessman: Since you were eighteen?
Factory Worker: Thats right, and Im 24 now, so that makes six years down at the factory, working.
Businessman: Wow! [grabs case of beer from shelf] Im still one year older than you, [hands case of beer to Factory Worker] so that makes me 25. [grabs another case of beer and starts walking up to the cashier with Factory Worker].
Factory Worker: Were a couple of old timers. Hello, my man, looks like well be having these two old cases of beer today.
Cashier: You guys got some I.D.?
Businessman: You bet. [starts looking in pockets, you know he is obviously faking it] Oh, shoot. I just remembered something. I was on the golf course this morning with some business associates and we were exchanging business cards and I must have given one of the guys my drivers license by mistake. Its a true story, or else how could I have these three business cards from real businesses? [fans out three cards in front of cashiers face] I ask you that. [sets cards on counter]
Cashier: Its not a problem as long as one of you guys has an I.D.
Factory Worker: Uh, that would be my department. [Starts rustling his pockets and pulls out wallet] Yeah, there it is, hold on just a second. I got it renewed a couple of days ago. Oh! It was here and now its gone. Oh shoot. I guess one of the kids must have stolen it again. They think its a toy.
Businessman: How old are those little guys now?
Factory Worker: Well, I got a 7, got a 6 year old, and I got a 3 year old. One of them must have gotten in my wallet and grabbed my I.D. [slaps Businessmans shoulder] You know what, I bet it was Kevin.
Businessman: Oh, that Kevin! Always up to no good. Anyways, we should just get these beers and get on out of here.
Factory Worker: Yes indeed, time to settle up.
Businessman: Oh, do you need any smokes?
Factory Worker: Oh no, I got plenty of smokes at the other store where we were just at five minutes ago.
Businessman: Oh, where we bought the other cases of beer!
Factory Worker: Thats the one! Listen to us go on about all the cases of beer we buy all the time.
Businessman: So anyways, how much do we owe you, partner?
Cashier: Yeah, I still need to see some I.D. [pulls beer toward him] [Police enters store]
Police: Good work, guy! You passed the test!
Cashier: What are you talking about?
Police: Im Agent Parker with the ATF. Agent Ron Harris and Pat Richards here work for the ATF and weve been running sting operations trying to catch store clerks selling alcohol to underage kids.
Cashier: Well, Im just doing my job.
Police: You wouldnt believe how many store clerks dont even check I.D. Thats why, on behalf of the ATF, I would like you to have this Certificate of Responsibility. [rolls out certificate] You can just hang this up anywhere. [hands certificate to cashier]
Factory Worker: Should we get going, guys? [starts pulling beer toward him]
Police: [puts hand on Factory Workers shoulder] Back to the ATF office.
Businessman: Yeah, but lets first put this beer away since we wont need it.
Factory Worker: Hey, look at that, its after 5. You guys up for a couple of beers?
Police: Well, I am off-duty, but how much for just the two cases?
Cashier: Its 12 a case.[Everyone starts nodding and looking in their pockets. They hand all of their money to Police and pool it up.]
Police: [puts money on counter] Here you go. And once again, thanks for being responsible.
Cashier: [pulls beer toward him] And I need to see some I.D.
Police: Of course.[Burglar enters]
Burglar: Okay, this is a robbery.
Police, Businessman, and Factory Worker: [robotically] Oh no! A robbery! [they all hand over their wallets]
Factory Worker: Here, take my wallet!
Burglar: I just want this one wallet, thank you. [takes Polices wallet and looks inside] Hmm, 24. You look younger, but this is a valid I.D. I used to work as a bouncer. See you later, suckers. [waves]
Businessman: Wow, that was close.
Police: I wish that robber hadnt stolen my wallet. It had my I.D. in it, but now you know Im 24, so [takes beer]
Cashier: Yeah, I still need to see some I.D.
Businessman: How about this crisp 5 dollar bill for an I.D?
Cashier: Sold! See you guys back at the dorm. [High five]
Police: Whoo![all walk out]
Submitted by: Sophie