Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 18
Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on a stage filled with various shapes of marble columns, as Mike steps into frame ]
Mike: Mawble cawlums! [ runs his hands up a marble column ] Elegant, sturdy, and bursting with class! Nothing says “I’ve got money and power!” like a mawble cawlum! How do I know? Because I’ve been selling mawble cawlums to rich people for over TEN YEARS! I’m talkin’ MILLIONAIRES! With mawble cawlums in your house, that place is gonna look like a MANSION! Transform your living room![ cut to photo of three marble columns separating spaces within a living room ]
Mike V/O: The bathroom![ cut to photo of three marble columns separating spaces within a bathroom ]
Mike V/O: Even your driveway!
Mike: How much you wanna bet the car pullin’ up to that driveway is a ROLLS-ROYCE?! You GOTTA get yourself some.. mawble cawlums!![ cut to black man eating breakfast at a small table in a modest-looking kitchen ]
Mike V/O: You like eating breakfast?[ Black Man nods his head, as two marble columns suddenly surround his chair ]
Mike V/O: How about eating breakfast in a kitchen with mawble cawlums? Ooh-la-la! Now, that’s a fancy meal![ cut to couple lying in bed, ignoring one another in favor of reading material ]
Mike V/O: Could you use a little help in the bedroom department?[ the couple nods, as a marble column materializes at the foot of their bed ]
Mike V/O: Try some mawble cawlums! [ the lights dim, as the couple begins making love under the sheets ] you’ll be goin’ at it like the King and Queen of France!
Mike: Ya’ GOTTA get yourself some.. mawble cawlums!! You don’t believe me? Just ask my daughter Lexie![ cut to Lexie standing in front of four screens with rotating images of marble columns ]
Lexie: Look at dese cawlums! [ randomly points in the directions of the screens behind her ] Look at dis one, look at dat one. Can you believe it? You can stick dese dings EVERYWHERE! Dey make your house look like a PALACE! Like a CASTLE! People are gonna look at your house and go, “Who lives dere? The Pope?!” “What is dat? The Playboy Mansion?” It’s ridiculous! Imagine going up to your house and seein’ dese and goin’, “Oh, my God! I live here!” [ randomly points in the directions of the screens behind her ] How nuts would it be to own dis one, or dat one? Dis one, or DAT one! [ poses and smiles ] [ cut back to Mike ]
Mike: [ smiling ] Yeah! Yeah! Ya’ GOTTA get yourself some mawble cawlums!! The Romans had ’em — and they didn’t do too bad, right? Hey, you know what? Take a good look at the White House! Notice anything classy on the porch? CAWLUMS!! So, come on down to Mikes Marbleopolis, and get yourself some CAWLUMS!![ cut to exterior, Mike’s Marbleopolis, a high-class mini-mall location with endless marble columns standing inside. Older model cars are parked in front. ]
2941 Central Avenue in Lynbrook!
Together: Ya GOTTA get yourself some mawble columns!![ fade ]